7 Slang Words I Learned in 2014 (And How To Use Them)

At the ripe old age of 29, I am slowly coming to the realization that I may no longer be “hip”.

Evidence of this includes:

  • my growing reluctance to stay awake past 10pm
  • unfamiliarity with the majority of award show performers (Ariana who now?)
  • increased disillusion with music festivals and all other non-seated events
  • the fact that I used the word “hip” in quotations in the preceding sentence.

Perhaps the biggest, and most troubling sign, however, is my complete and utter hopelessness when it comes to today’s slang. This was made clear to me recently when a friend described an online date she went on as “a total catfish”.  Say what? “You went on a date with a sea creature??” I asked, imagining the two of them at a fancy restaurant, plates full of plankton.   

“Uh, no” she said looking at me like I had three heads “it means when someone pretends to be someone they’re not online… like the MTV show?”

I wish I could say that was the only time this happened – but alas, over the past year, there have been a number of times I’ve been left with a blank stare, scrambling to urbandictionary.com to break the code, like a less-cool, worse-cheekboned Alan Turing. 

Because I love you and don’t want you to suffer the same fate, I’ve compiled a list of the top 6 slang words I learned in 2014, together with definitions, and how to use each in a sentence so you can be just like the cool kids.

1. Salty

Bitter; angry; used to connote a general bad attitude.

E.g. “She was salty when she discovered Real Housewives of Miami had been cancelled” 

2. Basic

Common; unsophisticated; transparent; generally unoriginal

e.g. “Homegirl bought a year’s supply of Pumpkin Spice Latte Mix. She’s so basic” 

3. Sharewithal

An inherent understanding of what to share on social media, when, and on what platform.

E.g. “Did you see that terrible status Alyssa posted on Facebook? Girl has ZERO sharewithal” 

4. Webisode

Overly dramatic

E.g. “Sorry for being such a webisode last night, I had way too much Pinot Grigio” 

5. Bae 

I’m sure most of you know  this one now that Pharrell has sung it to death, but did you guys know it is actually an ACRONYM? It stands for “Before Anyone Else” and can be used to describe your significant other, bestie, something incredibly cool etc.

E.g. “Nutella is, and always will be my bae” 

6. Turnt Up

Getting loose/wild; crazy partying

E.g. “I drank TWO glasses of wine while watching Extreme Weightloss Last Night. Sh*t was turnt UP”

7. Swerve

To Dodge or dismiss someone.

E.g.

My Friend: “Do you want to do a juice cleanse with me?”

Me: “SWERVE, b*tch!”

Question of the Day: What Slang Words have you learned recently?

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The 5 Most Annoying Celebrities of 2012

With the Holiday season quickly drawing to a close and 2013 fast approaching, the internet is ablaze with “2012 year in review” posts. My favourite, of course, being the ones about annoying celebrities.

And since the 100 scotch cookies I’ve eaten over the past week have completely turned my brain to mush (that’s right, mom. I found your secret stash. muhahaha), I figured I’d weigh in with my own list of utterly unbearable celebrities in 2012.

1. Bethenny Frankel

I love hate to be gratuitously mean here, but there is just something about Bethenny Frankel’s face I really don’t like. Actually, it’s everything about her face. And her voice. And her personality.

via People.com

I feel sort of bad harping on her, since her made-for-tv marriage just broke up and everything, but I really can’t help it. She just grinds my gears. Bethenny please, for the love of God, pack up your 8 TV shows, cookbook collection and SkinnyGirl Margaritas (which are gross, by the way) and just go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it’s not in my living room.

2. Lindsay Lohan

Oh, Lilo. It’s just a sin, really. There’s not much I can say here that hasn’t been beaten to death already..so instead I’ll just focus this portion of the post on the travesty that is her hair extensions.

stensions

I mean, really, Linds. I know you’ve been experiencing some financial difficulties as of late, but couldn’t you just pawn a stolen fur or something and get yourself some new ‘stensions? It’s the least you could do after making us sit through Liz and Dick. Plus, that nasty weave of yours sure as hell ain’t inspiring no confidence in any judges. Trust me. I know these things.

3. Rihanna & Chris Brown

If you, like me, have made the mistake of following BadgalRiRi on Twitter or Instagram, then you already know what I’m talking about. Her newsfeed, which, at the best of times, is a schizophrenic combo of ganja posts, half-naked selfies and “inspirational mantras”, has recently played host to her grade 8 style make-up/break-up/meltdown cycle with Chris Brown.

ririchrisin

Plus this whole Karreuche Tran love triangle element. RiRi seriously needs to pull a Mary J Blige, cut the drama, and stick to doing what she does best: writing killer pop songs and performing them in front of Windows Screensavers on SNL.

ririsnl
Work that screensaver, girl

4. Honey Boo Boo

Y’all know I have shockingly low standards when it comes to my reality-tv (Ex-Wives of Rock, anyone?), but even I draw the line at Honey Boo Boo.

honeyboo

Never has anything so mentally and physically repulsed me within a 30 minute time period. Except for maybe my performance on the treadmill yesterday. But let’s not talk about that.

From the gourmet ‘sketti dinners, to the Go Go Juice, to Mama June’s “forklift foot” (for the love of God, do NOT google this), I just can’t even. It’s actually shocking to me how spoiled and ill-behaved this child is. The last thing homegirl needs is a renewed contract. What she really needs is a speech pathologist.

5. Tom Cruise

This one is also kind of gratuitous, because Tom didn’t really do anything in particular to piss me off in 2012; besides get his “heart broken” spectacularly. I just kind of can’t stand him. His voice. His smile. His glibness. I mean, just look at him:

tomc

Leave the “charmingly befuddled” thing to Hugh Grant, would you Tom?

There is a Scientology building in Toronto, and whenever I pass by it I like to imagine it as a 24-hour “Tom Cruise New Wife” screening centre. I always do a quick scan of the entrances for tall, endomorph midwestern girl next-door-types. No luck yet, though. They must be hiding them well.

Phew. Ok. End rant. I feel I can enter 2013 marginally less bitter now. Marginally.

Question of the Day: What celebrities do you find the most annoying?

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