A few months ago, I got engaged.
Exciting for sure, but also a little bit terrifying.
Because with my shiny new accessory, I was thrust into the weird and wonderful world of wedding planning – a veritable parallel universe where words like “charmeuse” and “pave” abound, and everything is made from precious unicorn hair and costs $10 thousand dollars.
For a girl who has spent more time envisioning her ideal rap name than her dream wedding (“DJ Breezy Beatz”, in case you were interested), this was completely overwhelming.
So to save you from the same shock I experienced, here are 10 things that happened to me- and will very likely happen to you- after getting engaged.
1. You Will Have To Use The Word “Fiancé “
2. You Will Join The Pinterest Army
Even if you’ve never considered joining the visual bookmarking site; even if- to borrow a phrase from Lena Dunham- you think you’re “not that kind of girl”, within weeks of getting engaged, chances are you’ll be pinning your little heart out- perusing photos of elaborate centerpieces and DIY crocheted ring pillows until your eyes cross. You will feel a new-found sense of social media validation every time someone follows your carefully curated “Rustic-Modern-Victorian-Tropical-East-Meets-West Wedding” board. You will question what this says about you, but you won’t be able to stop. Before you know it you will be down a rabbit hole of mason jar snow globes and mini lights; seriously contemplating giving your guests live Maltipoo puppies as wedding favors.
RESIST the urge, ladies.
3. You Will Watch Wedding Shows with a new-found purpose and enthusiasm.
Because staying in on Friday night to watch Say Yes To The Dress is no longer sad.. it’s productive. (Ok, it’s actually still just sad).
4. You Lean More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Flowers
If you’re a horticultural rookie like I was, prepare to be SCHOOLED in the art of wedding flowers. Hydrangeas, Calla Lillies, Amarylis, Briar Rose, Gladiolus, Sage Moonblood.
(Ok, so at least two of those are actually celebrity baby names. But god help you if you can guess which ones).
By the time you’re finished visiting with florists and decorators you will feel like you’ve received an unofficial Bachelor’s Degree in botany. And, incidentally, the perfect name for the protagonist in that Victorian Romance Novel you’ve been working on.
5. You Will Discover “The Wedding Premium”
The bridal industry is one giant racket. Like the world’s suckiest magic, whenever you attach the word “wedding” to a good or service, the price skyrockets 300%. No matter your budget, chances are you’re probably going to blow through it. Hope you like eating Campbell’s soup for every meal!
6. You Will Become an Expert At Telling Your Proposal Story
Like an unofficial ToastMasters class, getting engaged teaches you the art of telling the same damn story 17,000 times over- condensed, edited, and maybe even hyperbolized to its pithy, climactic perfection. Which is great, because for a while, it’s all you’ll want to talk about.
But no matter how amazing your story is, you will eventually begin to feel a simultaneous sense of dread and validation every time someone asks you about it. It’s how I imagine Tony Bennett must feel every time he gets on stage with Lady Gaga.
7. You Will Realize How Horrible and Sexist Most Wedding Publications Are.
Guys, I’m convinced the target audience for wedding magazines is solely Aspiring Disney Princesses and contestants on The Bachelor.
With their glossy-paged depictions of elaborate, $100,000 celebrations, and articles like: “How to Lose 6 Pounds in 6 Days!” and “Choosing the perfect scent for your big day!“, these publications seem to suggest that if you’re not absolutely losing your sh*t about your wedding 24 hours a day and dreaming of giant Kim-and-Kanye-inspired flower walls, well then my friend, you’re doing it wrong.
8. You Will Surrender All Privacy
Wearing a ring on your left hand is like an unofficial beacon that screams “Please, come ask me detailed questions about my personal life!” Before you know it you will be awkwardly navigating questions with near complete strangers about whether you’re going to change your last name, when you are planning to have kids, and- in the case of your Great Aunt Martha- if you’re nervous for the “big night”.
9. You’re Going to Think You Lost Your Ring… Like All The Time
76% of brides-to-be suffer from (<— made up statistic) Hyper Ring Awareness- a manic, irrational condition where you constantly check your left hand to make sure you haven’t somehow lost your ring (Spoiler Alert- You didn’t. You’re just crazy.)
10. You Will Feel A Compelling Desire To Use The Bride Emoji Gratuitously
Fight this compulsion at all costs.