Who Keeps Stealing All My Hairbrushes? And Why?

I lost another hairbrush today. That’s two so far this month. Three if you count back to December.


I keep forgetting them at the gym; leaving them behind after I’m done getting ready. By the time I go back, they have inevitably vanished- the lost and found box holding nothing but bitter disappointment.

This concerns me for a couple of reasons:

  1. Who is keeping these? And why would they want some random stranger’s hairbrush? Isn’t that kind of gross?

……Unless he or she is using it to make a hair doll in my likeness. In which case, this may be the last post I write to you.


But more importantly,

2. Because it exemplifies a broader pattern of behaviour.

While I would like to blame these missing items on some sort of mystical, nefarious hairbrush elf, I have to admit that my general lack of conscientiousness is probably part of the problem. A quick mental tally reveals that over the past few months, I have left all of the following items at the gym:

  • Two bottles of dry shampoo
  • One pair of iPod headphones
  • One MAC eyeliner pencil in “Ebony”
  • Two earrings (alas; each from a separate pair)
  • One bottle of Dermalogica face wash (I cried real human tears over this one. Sh*t is ex$pensive)
  • Three single socks
  • A banana I planned to eat later that afternoon
  • One glove.

I now moonwalk everywhere.


This list doesn’t even include the pair of perfectly broken-in Saucony’s I left at my local YMCA in 2003. I’m still pining over those bad boys.

Sadly, this is more than just a gym-related problem. I’d lose my head if it wasn’t permanently glued to a reality TV show. (Or however that expression goes.)

While jewellery, clothing and personal items all seem to vanish under my watch, I have a particular knack for losing really important documents. When I get an official looking letter in the mail, I immediately take this as a cue to haphazardly discard it onto my desk. It invariably gets buried under a stack of US Weeklys, or old concert tickets I planned to file in my Museum of Innocence (aka: my memory box), never to be seen again.


Doing my taxes then becomes a nightmare, as I have to call every single person who has ever given me a T4, Student Loan, or charitable tax receipt (ha. Just kidding, I don’t get any of those) and ask for a new one. Sometimes, I try and be all “well you never sent it to me in the first place” but they never buy it. They’ve seen my kind before. We’re flagged in the system.

I also have no idea where my birth certificate is. But I do carry my Passport around with me at all times. Even when I go to the bar. I’m basically an identity theft victim waiting to happen.

I guess I take after my mother, who is a bit of a Linda Loses-sh*t herself. She misplaces at least 5-6 Christmas presents every year, and the whereabouts of her reading glasses is a perpetually unsolved mystery. She will spend hours frantically looking for them, only to find them dangling inconspicuously from the chain hanging around her neck.

Come to think of it, that chain thing is sort of a good idea. Maybe that’s what I need: a series of tethers attaching all of my worldly possessions to various parts of my body.

Like this, only instead of the pole, it's my body. And instead of the ball, it's all my stuff. Napoleon Dynamite may or not be there.
Like this, only instead of the pole, it’s my body. And instead of the ball, it’s all my stuff. Napoleon Dynamite may or not be involved.

I might look a little weird, but at least I won’t lose any more sh*t.

And to the person who stole all my hairbrushes: I forgive you. I understand that the lure of an impeccably coiffed mane can be nearly impossible to resist. But should you ever change your mind and decide to return the treasures you have taken, know that I, and my limp, lifeless hair, will be eternally grateful.

Yours in styling,


Question of the Day: Are you a Linda or Larry Loses-Sh*t? Or are you more of an Organized Ophelia? A Conscientious Connie?


Ain’t Got No Love For the Ding Dong?

So I know you’ve probably had enough of me after that long-ass diatribe I wrote last night about my experience at Sleep No More, but shockingly, I’ve got a few more things left to say.
Let’s just call this the “Friday Roundup of Randomness” shall we? (Or don’t, because that’s awful. )

1. Can we talk about Jamie Foxx hosting SNL last weekend?


Nailed it. From his monologue featuring 2 Chainz, to his portrayal as host of the game show “B*ttch, What’s the answer?” to his performance as a disgruntled Hostess Ding Dong, 2 thumbs way up.

2. I have no time for impatient people (<;;— see what I did there?). Especially the ones in line behind you at the grocery store who load all their stuff onto the belt and then push their empty carts alongside the register and edge you out completely as you're trying to pay. God FORBID you want to go back and get that package of mentos you've been eyeing, because face it buddy, you're f*cked now. You have nowhere to go but OUT.

3. My new favourite person to Twitter-stalk is Judd Apatow. Not only does he tweet back all of his fans, he posted like 100 self-pics from the This is 40 premiere. I’m working on the perfect tweet to him as we speak. I’m thinking something short, sweet, and to the point. i.e.:

“@juddapatow: Who’s Leslie?”


3. Instagram tells me that Lena Dunham and Aubrey Plaza are friends now.



4. I tuned into Real Housewives of New York the other night after a brief one-season hiatus. Apparently, I missed a lot. Like who are all these new b*tches? Where’s crazy Jill Zarin? And wtf is “Yummy Tummy”? Someone fill me in.

5. (This one I’m really excited about): My dad is coming to Toronto this weekend! Frequent blog readers know him as the crazy, reindeer print making husband of the even crazier neat freak/religious zealot that is my mother.. but I just know him as dear old dad. He’s in town for the Buffalo Bills game in Tdot on Sunday and we’re gonna paint the town red. (And by that I mean visiting the hockey hall of fame, going to church and eating at diners).

6. I wrote this post on my iPhone with my WordPress app. #sotechy

And finally, who wants to hear track 2 from my highly anticipated year in review mixtape??

EVERYONE? Ok, here it is:

Question of the Day: What are you doing this weekend? or, any random things to complain about?

P.S. for all you techies out there : in the words of Drunk Uncle: twitter me! Twitter me! @thecamellife
Or, holla at my Instagram: @breezyk1

Bomb So Hard

So remember when I told you guys how great it feels when people laugh at your jokes?

Well you know what really doesn’t feel great? When no one does.

My worst fears were realized last night when I read my newest story aloud in my writing class and heard crickets. Then I killed those noisy crickets. And then I heard nothing.

Guys, I’m not exaggerating when I say my story totally bombed. Like, Hiroshima meets Green Lantern meets that NBC show Whitney style bombed.

If my story were a Young Money track, it would be called “Bomb so Hard“.

feat. Lil Wayne

If you don’t believe me, go and check out  YouTube, where a video of me reading my story is currently trending as the #1 worst fail of all time.

…Just kidding. That’s these people:

Aah. The Wedding one kills me.

Anyway, naturally, I went home after class and drowned my sorrows in an entire jar of olives. (Don’t  question the many forms that emotional eating may take.) And then Hocus Pocus was on TV, so it was sort of ok.

But it still sucked.

It really blows when you work so hard on something  only to have it not work out. But I guess as the late 90’s Irish girl group B*witched once said, C’est La Vie!

My Youtube recommended videos are gonna be all sorts of random after this post.

Anyway, I was planning to share Bomb so Hard with you guys today, but given that it, well, bombed so hard, I decided to take some time to lick my wounds and reassess.

In the meantime , I’ll just go back to spending 90% of my time and mental energy putting the finishing touches on my Halloween costume.

Any guesses as to what it might be?

*HINT: There is a second clue embedded somewhere in this post. Can you find it??

Side note: I love seeing people in their Halloween costumes and pretending that’s who they actually are in real life.

Last night, for example, I saw Gilligan and Nacho Libre holding a pizza and trying to hail a cab together.  That’s just crazy.

I mean, first of all, logistically speaking, Nacho libre and Gilligan could never hang out. Unless maybe Marty McFly picked them both up in his DeLorean and brought them to a neutral, dyland location or something. Also, I find it hard to believe that a bad-ass Mexican Luchador like Nacho would ever be friends with a Milquetoast like Gilligan. I mean, dude throws an anchor overboard with no rope attached. Need I say more? Plus, everyone knows Mexican luchadors have a taste for high-quality ingredients and would never eat that Dominoe’s filth. They prefer crepes, caviar and the tears of small children.

Silly Gilligan.

Question of the Day: What are you being for Halloween?

… and for the brave: Have you had any epic fails lately?

Uptown Problems

So as I mentioned in this post, I’ve recently started taking a writing class, and our assignment this week was to write a humorous piece about something in the news.

A la J-Stew

Guys, this was HARD. Mostly because I’m a shame to my generation and never pay attention to the news (unless you count the People.com Twitter feed.) In the end, I decided to do a sort of satirical news piece lampooning The 1%, and thought I would share it with you guys. Mostly because I’m too lazy to write anything else. And I included links and pictures this time Enjoy!!


Welcome to Uptown Problems, the premiere news source highlighting the everyday struggles of the Bourgeoisie. At Uptown Problems, we bring you the top stories facing the 1% from around the globe, all in one place. Because let’s face it- your life is hard enough already.

In today’s news, the bitter court battle continues between Paul and Judy Bronfman of Canada’s wealthy Bronfman dynasty and their insurers over a $2 million claim for valuables stolen from their Forrest Hill home. The insurers refuse to satisfy the claim (which includes a 6 carat diamond, two Stanley Cup Rings and a number of family heirlooms) stating that the value of the stolen goods exceeds the coverage limits on their luxury items policy. “That’s just ridiculous,” testified Mrs. Bronfman. “Our platinum toilet wasn’t a luxury; it was a necessity. Paul has a very sensitive bottom. His buttocks can only handle the best.”

Mrs. Bronfman went on to state that the sentimental value of the items far outweighed any economic loss: “I used that 18k gold platter to serve tea to Jay-Z and Beyonce” Mrs. Bronfman testified. “Now all I have left are the memories. And that diamond encrusted bassinette was for Blue Ivy. What will she sleep in now?” She pleaded.

The jury remains out on whether the insurer will be on the hook for the claim, but in the meantime, it seems there is some silver lining to this tragedy: “I’m just lucky they didn’t take my grill” testified Mrs. Bronfman, flashing her silver and gold-plated teeth to the court. “Lil’ Wayne gave this one to me,” she said, pointing to her left incisor, “from his own mouth! It’s priceless.”

In other news, the New York Times ran a hard-hitting article this week highlighting the increasingly marginalized Blackberry user population.

According to the article, those who still use the BlackBerry are embarrassed by their devices, and have become incredibly frustrated with the inferior capabilities their smartphones possess compared to iPhone users. “I see all these cool instagram pictures on Facebook and I can‘t even participate,” said 26 year-old investment banker Marcus Waldorf. “When I take pictures of my brunch with my BlackBerry, it just looks like regular old eggs and bacon. Not artsy, unattainable, OMG YOU WISH YOU HAD THIS eggs and bacon. I don’t want regular brunch. I want brunch washed in a 1970’s filter!”

“The Blackberry GPS feature is also unreliable,” added 25-year-old Sarah Crawford. “The other night when I tried to check into (Toronto hotspot) Lee, it mistakenly posted my location at the Jack Astor’s down the street. I was mortified,” she recounted.

To combat this growing social issue, support groups have been popping up all over the country to help BlackBerry users deal with their feelings of frustration, shame and anxiety. These groups, which include users of other dated electronic and social media devices, including MSN, AOL and the VCR, focus on celebrating the lingering merits of dead technology, while at the same time restoring a sense of dignity to its users. Donations to the program can be made at www.stopblackberryshame.org.

Presidential Candidate and Uptown Problems regular Mitt Romney was also in the news this week following Tuesday’s US Presidential Debate, where he made the now infamous remark about the “binders full of women” presented to him when trying to fill cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts. The comment instantly went viral; setting the internet ablaze with memes and parodies. We reached out to Mitt to get his thoughts on the the internet firestorm it created:

“People make jokes about it,” said Romney, “But they don’t understand how difficult it was for me. Do you know how many paper cuts I got flipping through all those pages? I ran out of band-aids and had to use Tagg’s special Spider Man ones. I looked ridiculous at the RNC. Thank Joseph Smith Clint was there to steal the spotlight.”

“And just trying to deal with all those rings,” Mitt continued. “They never closed properly. I had to buy 3M just to get a better model.” When asked about the women in the binders themselves, Romney responded “Meh, most of them were 6’s. 7’s at best. I thought when I told my staff “qualified” they understood that meant 9.5 or higher. Not Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich’s illegitimate female love child.”

No word yet on whether Mitt’s paper cuts have fully healed.

And finally, in a recent Globe and Mail article, Toronto women claim to be suffering from a new form of exhaustion: that brought on by endless hours of pampering. “It’s a nightmare,” Said 25-year-old Christina Chen. “I just got a mani/pedi and my eyebrows done yesterday, only to realize my roots now need retouching. I’m spending so much time on maintenance that I have no time left for shopping or clearing out my Netflix queue.”


To make matters worse, in order to obtain optimal service, many women are trekking all over the city to various appointments: “It’s a logistical nightmare,” said 29 year old Jessica McClintock. “Just last week I got the heel of my Louboutin caught in a sidewalk grate en route to my eyebrow appointment in Rosedale, then had to treck all the way back downtown to my cobbler before my 4:00 p.m. at King and Bathurst. The whole thing was simply traumatizing. Almost as bad as that time they put too much goat cheese in my salad at Canoe. It totally messed up the whole flavour profile.”

If there’s one thing we here at Uptown problems can relate to, it’s the stress of outsourcing. To the women trawling the streets of Toronto in 5 inch heels in the name of beauty, we salute you.

That’s it for this week’s edition of Uptown Problems. Join us next week when we grapple with such important issues as “Hermés bracelets: how many is too many?” and “Is that $20,000 piece of Charles and Diana’s wedding cake I bought still edible? “ Until next time!

Question of the Day: What’s the worst Uptown Problem you’ve heard lately?

And the Plot Thickens

So this morning I got on the treadmill in my apartment building and found this in the cup holder:

My first thought was, why is this book here and not in its rightful place of honour on my bookshelf beside my Silver Blades and Babysitters Club collections? But secondly, that this must be some sort of clue. I mean, first I find a mysterious bouquet of roses in my hallway, and now this? There had to be a connection.

The whole thing was especially strange because I was the only person in the gym at the time. Immediately, my eyes darted in every direction, searching for signs of activity. If someone had planted this, surely he or she must have stuck around to witness my reaction.

But nothing. Just me, some free weights and the annoying Breakfast Television personalities babbling away on closed caption. Resignedly, I turned on the treadmill, and as I ran, searched the contents of the book for clues. No inscription on the cover. No notes in the margin. At least as far as I could tell. They could have been written in invisible ink. I made a mental note to pick up some lemon juice and sodium carbonate on the way home. (Thank you PBS and your high-quality educational 90’s programming:

Take that, Mitt!

Nope, no clues. Just good old’ Jigsaw, the precocious little detective and his adorable Asian sidekick, Mila Yeh. It was actually kind of a good story.

But I digress.

I told my sister what happened, and she was all “Settle down Nancy Drew, it’s probably just a coincidence”. But I’m not convinced. I’m starting to think it might be The Riddler messing with me, because this is like, the hardest brainteaser ever. What the hell do you get when you combine a jigsaw and a rose? Some sort of misguided horticultural experiment? The work of a disgruntled Bachelor contestant?

Was it Kacie??

I’ll keep you apprised of all further developments. And in the meantime, I’ll be skulking around my apartment in all black and hiding in air vents. That always looks so cool on TV.

Question of the day: Can you help me solve my mystery?

Cue the Exit Music

Over the past week, I have been the lucky recipient of three (count ’em- 3) different blog awards. All I can say is:


Just kidding. We all know I have a lot to say and would never let a GIF (even one as awesome as this) speak for me.  Sorry in advance.

First off, I was given the One Lovely Blog Award by my [military] man Dan Bohmer.

Dan blogs about his deployment in Afghanistan and takes fabulous photos.  Go check him out!

I’m not sure what the point of the award is, other than to getting “One Love”  by Bob Marley stuck in my head for about 3 days now.. but the rules are that I have to post 7 things about myself and nominate 7 other bloggers. So here goes-

7 things you didn’t want to know about me!

1.I won the “Little Miss Stellarton” homecoming pageant when I was four years old. It involved an onstage interview, a swimsuit competition, and a lipsynch to “California Girls” by the Beach Boys. I still have my crown and sash. I like to wear them sometimes while I’m watching Toddlers and Tiaras.
2. I’m dying to go to Chicago. Mostly because so many John Hughes movies are set there.

3. Sometimes, when I put my workout clothes on, I like to pretend its my superhero costume. I’m convinced this makes me run faster and longer.

I can’t believe I actually just admitted that.

4.  When I was four, I was also the mascot for my sister’s high school soccer team.

it was a busy year.

5. My absolute least favourite household chore is cleaning the bathtub. And vacuuming. That damn cord gets me every time.

6.  For as much as I need constant attention update my blog, I’m relatively inactive on facebook.  I only update my status once every month or so. You wish you guys were that lucky.

7. It’s really embarrassing when a cute guy comes to talk to you at the gym and you look like a sweaty swamp monster and are blasting One Direction on your Ipod.  Not that this has ever happened to me.

baby you light up my world like nobody else….

Now- for 7 blogs!

1. KarensLatte: because it was in our Marriage Contract that I pass on every blog award I receive to her.

2. Adventurespirit. Because she’s a cool cat. And from CHICAGO. I bet her high school was just like the one in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

3. The EyeLife. An eye surgeon by day, hilarious blogger by night.

4. The Misadventure Journals.  Girlfriend does all kindsa cray sh*t!

5. MooseLicker. Cause he’s really great at writing about just one thing. Even if it is Sneeze Guards.

6. YourDaily Dose. I met her in real life, and yes.. she really is that beautiful. b*tch.

7. Coffee and Chaos. Because even though I’m totally delinquent on a guestpost I’m writing for her, she still hasn’t written me off yet. Oh, and she loves drinking wine on Sunday mornings. #mykindofgirl.

Next up, Erin at Erin’s DC Kitchen (who cooks lots of delicious looking stuff) gave me both the Kreativ Blogger award and the Blog on Fire award.

For these ones, I have to say 6 random facts about myself. But to be honest, after doing the 7 above, I just plain ran out of steam. So I thought it might be fun to ask each person in my family to come up with one for me.

I may regret this….

Here’s what they said about me:

My mom:

……..”You always have to get the last word in arguments.. and you won’t let me throw away any of your old prom dresses”

uhh.. mom… 

My dad:

…. “You had a set of encyclopedias when you were little, and whenever you wanted to know something you’d rush to one and look it up”

All I can say is thank God for google. Now I have way more time for reality tv.

My brother, Kristin:

…..”You always have to be done-up with jewelery on, and your nails are always painted”. 

Whatever, Kristin. Just for that, imma blow out the candles on your 10th birthday cake:


My sister, Marija: 

….”You were incredibly clumsy as a child”. 

“Child” is generous. Pretty sure that shit continued way into adolescence. 

My sister, Sherene:

….”You wanted to be a fashion designer when you grew up… “

No wonder. Just look at this eye for style.

My brother, Stephen:

…..”you used to torture our 2 cats by dragging them around by their front paws. They tried to mutiny on you once and surrounded you in the basement. I had to save you with my ninja skills”.

I’m positive that’s exactly how it happened.

Does this look like torture to you?? Actually.. don’t answer that.

My 7-year-old niece, Lola: 

…..”you like to run a lot”

Why didn’t I just ask her to do all of these??

For their snarkiness, I am posting this highly flattering family photo.

Now for 6 more blogs:
1. Brunch for Every Meal. She’s fiery, and always makes me laugh.

2.The Local Traveller, NS: A great blog about Nova Scotia. Represent!

3. Tris and Trials. My real life law school friend who just killed a half-ironman. Girlfriend is a freaking inspiration.

4. Average In Suburbia. She likes celebs, books and Bon Jovi. Word.

5. Drunk Good Idea/Sober Bad Idea.  The whole blog is a genius idea, really.

6. Foodimentary. Did you know today was national fried chicken day? Now you do!

Phew. I’m spent. You’re not supposed to work this hard on vacation! Time to go do a little of this to celebrate:


Jk. I’m actually just gonna go for a cruise around town with my sister and get a coffee at Tim’s. I really am living the dream.

Question of the Day:  What is the biggest/best award you’ve ever received in real life?

Turn up the Good, Turn Down the Suck: Vol 3

Well, it’s Friday- and you know what that means- time for another unsolicited recap of some of this week’s things that make me go “yaayyyy”, and some  things that make me want to join the cast of Dancing With The Stars and hide out under one of Chaz Bono’s man-boobs until they go away.

This week, surprisingly, I have a disproportionate amount of Good things… which is fortunate, because Chaz Bono’s nether regions are an area I do not really wish to explore.

So without further adieu, let’s get started (And P.S. don’t forget to check out Vol. 1 and Vol. 2. if you missed ’em- I talk about some really important and life-changing stuff… like mascara… and cheese)

Turn Up the Good:

Bored to Death Season 3:   If you have never seen this HBO gem, now is the perfect time to jump on the bandwagon… the show is written by Jonathan Ames, and stars Jason Schwartzman as Jonathan Ames (modesty is apparently not one of his biggest virtues)- a struggling author who also doubles as a private detective for hire on craigslist. Only he’s really bad at it. And his sidekicks; “George” (played by Ted Danson), a narcissistic magazine publisher, and “Ray” (played by Zach Galifianakis), a mildly successful cartoonist with a penchant for drawing penises, are even worse. I’ll let you fill in the blanks.

*Sidenote – Have any of you read any of Jonathan Ames novels?? Are they worth it? At the risk of thoroughly pissing off my DVR, I’m considering actually reading a book for a change…

Misadventures In Zombie Film-making: Since I got a bit of a positive response to “Frasier the Crane” last week,  I thought I’d share with you this week’s breaking news story gleaned from watching Breakfast Television on the treadmill.  Apparently, they are currently filming Resident Evil 5  in Toronto, and a few days ago a platform collapsed during filming, injuring 12 extras who had to be rushed to the hospital. The catch?

They were all dressed as zombies,   

The doctors apparently couldn’t tell which of that shit was real, and which of it was just the magic of film.

I mean… it’s kind of a sin and everything, but it’s also extremely hilarious and ironic. I would love to be a fly on the wall in that hospital when a truckload of zombies gets carted in… is it just me or does this sound like the plotline to the Grey’s Anatomy Halloween special?? ( Who’s got the rights to that shit? Call me.) And while we’re on the subject- what is it with Zombies, anyway? Why do people love them?? I liked Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” Video just as much as the next girl…  but really? Zombie Walks? Any Zombie fans out there who can explain this to me?

Kim Kardashian’s Wedding Special:  You didn’t think I was going to let this go by without comment did you??? As much as in my heart I know this is a made-for-tv wedding publicity stunt, I just can’t help but love it. I’ll spare those of you who aren’t completely obsessed fans the recap of the full four hours, and  I’ll just share a few of my thoughts (*but if any of you are interested in  a full-on, scene by scene recap of the entire episode, please do not hesitate to e-mail me at thecamellife@gmail.com) :

  • The emphasis placed on Rob’s binge eating problem was completely gratuitous, and clearly just PR for his appearance on “Dancing with the Stars”… but I still loved watching him order 12 tacos and then cry about it on camera.
  • Kris Humphries acts like a 12 year old… and is clearly a scrub. “Ohhh something happened with my Air Miles Kim and now I can’t afford to fly my pastor in to the wedding” yahuh. Likely story, buddy
  • Someone should probably give Vera Wang a sandwich.
  • “Kris & Bruce Jenner in a sex toy shop” is right up there on the list of things I didn’t need to see in my lifetime. Bible.


Honourable Mentions (or “Half Blast”, if you will)

A few of this week’s gems that didn’t quite make the cut… presented without (much) comment:

Turn Down the Suck:

Footloose, The Remake- The suck knob is definitely cranked up to 10 on this one. Why does Hollywood insist on always messing with good things? First  “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights”, and now this? Not only do we have to watch Julianne Hough attempt to act, we also have to listen to  Blake Shelton (yah, that guy from “The Voice”) massacre Kenny Loggins official title track by “putting a country spin on it”  .  Plus, that dude they hired to replace Zach Efron? A little piece of me dies every time I watch the preview and hear him say “this is OUR time”.  Kevin Bacon, I implore you- use as many degrees of separation as you need to put an END to this nonsense.

Blackberry:  More like WHACK berry. Constant service interruptions this week? No BBM?? No bueno. I don’t really understand how service could be down for so long worldwide though… my only guess is that a group of disgruntled shareholders have been performing voodoo on an 8700-series in some back room somewhere. Damn you Apple and your projected $700 share price!!! That iphone is starting to look better and better. But oh wait- guess what else is on the list: 

The Iphone 4S – Since my blackberry screen has been cracked for ages now, I decided I was finally going to replace it with the new iphone coming out this month..  but then we get the big announcement: Introducing… the Iphone 4S!

WTF? Wasn’t this supposed to be the Iphone 5?? What, do I have to wait for T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z first, now?

Also, on a related note why is there ALWAYS a line at the Apple Store?? It’s not like they don’t sell Ipods anywhere else… Are all of the sales associates Victoria Secret models?? Do they give you cocaine-laced beverages while you wait?I’ve never stuck around long enough to find out… (And P.S., I’m sorry if this I-rant is insensitive given the recent passing of Steve Jobbs…. I think he was a great guy, and I wish I had’ve been like Forrest Gump and got in on Apple early… then I could just torture you all with blog entries on a full-time basis)

Hope your weekends are all heavy on the good- and low on the suck…. I know mine will be, if I can manage to get home without being bludgeoned to death by Occupy Wall Street protestors…. wish me luck.

Question of the Day: It’s your turn… what’s good this week? what sucks?

I’m a Big Kid Now

So I got a little bit drunk last night. And not in a “teetering on her heels like an adorable little deer” sort of way… no, it was more of  the “bitch is belligerent and wants to start a fight” variety. I went to a Foster the People show, and distinctly remember picking a fight with a hipster kid who wouldn’t move out of my way, while verbally abusing him about his “stupid fucking glasses”. This is particularly ironic given the fact that just 2 days ago I was waxing blogetic about how “I’m not a particularly bitter or angsty person.”  I’m an enigma ,wrapped in a riddle ,wrapped in a vest my friends. 

Image from Wikipedia

Anyway.. needless to say, the majority of my day was spent in a semi-comatose state on the couch. Except for one brief visit to my friendly neighbourhood Asian nail salon.. where nobody but the owner speaks english, and they were playing an English dvd of the  show “Breaking Bad” with French subtitles. The whole thing was wigging me out a little, I’m not gonna lie. 

During all of this, I had a lot of time to think about the fact that tomorrow marks my first day as a real, live, full-fledged lawyer. I’m so woefully unprepared that I haven’t even bothered to dry-clean any of my suits, let alone peruse the business section of The Globe and Mail (*cough* in 4 months). I’m so screwed for cocktail parties.

I google imaged "Awkward Cocktail Party" and this picture came up. I thought it only right to include it.

Maybe its the booze blues, or maybe I’ve just been reading too many novels… but  I can’t help but feel a little bit sentimental and melancholy that I am on the cusp of beginning my professional career. Particularly, there are a few thoughts that keep running through my head:

  1. How did I get to this point?  
  2. What would I be doing with my life if I wasn’t a lawyer?
  3. I really wish the word “cusp” made me think of something other than teetering precariously on a narrow ledge before falling to my death….

So why don’t we indulge these questions? Let’s feel feelings for a little while, shall we?

How did I get to this point? AKA: The road, opposite of less, travelled.

Apparently it all started the day my parents brought me home. My grandmother, “Baba”, as we called her, famously held me for the first time, and prophesized in broken english that someday, I would be a lawyer  ( in the interest of full disclosure, the Croatian Nostradamus over there also said that my geologist brother would be a doctor; and my teacher sister would be a nurse… so I wouldn’t go betting the farm on that one).

I wish I could say my life trajectory had been more interesting – that I went on some sort of glamorous Parisian exchange in high school; or that I flunked out of university and had to beg the Dean to let me back in… But sadly, my life has followed a pretty dull and  predictable path. I went through life like I was checking off items on a to-do list: high school,undergrad, law school, articling, writing the bar exam.. check.check.check.check.check.

Looking back now, I wonder if  Baba’s decision that I was going to be a lawyer set off this whole series of events, leaving me with no choice in the matter. Telling me I could do anything I want after that would have been, to quote Nick Hornby, “like pulling the plug out of the bath and then telling the water it can go anywhere it wants”. Baba decided for me- and there was no other direction I could have taken. So thanks Baba, for ruining my ENTIRE LIFE. I kid, I kid (I’m not kidding)… my life ain’t so bad.. I could be living in a van down by the river. And I mean, I guess I have to cut her some slack due to the fact that she’s from a communist country and all, and that’s just the way shit worked over there. But COME ON, man…let a kid dream.  

What Could Have Been……

So yeah, if Baba hadn’t gone and stunted my development as a person, maybe my life would have turned out totally differently. I can’t help but wonder what else I might have been. Based on my neurotic childhood and current babysitting tactics, I might hazard such guesses as “Dictator”; “Army General”;  “Chess game timekeeper”; or “Committed to a Mental Institution”;  but if we put those aside and look at the remaining, non insane portion of my personality- it gets a little tougher.  I did my undergrad in Finance, and always thought I wanted to be some sort of hotshot stockbroker.. that way I could talk about “managing portfolios” and “internal rates of return” and impress people. Buuut I chose law instead, because I have a self-loathing issue there was more “variety” in it or some shit like that. I know they say the grass is always greener, but I do sometimes wish I had gone that route… I comfort myself in the fact that in my current job I don’t have to be surrounded by quite so many dudes with Scott Disick haircuts.

All of the other things I would want to be are so far removed from what I am actually doing that its sort of frightening. Like a makeup artist… or a stylist..  or in the entertainment industry, maybe on some sort of show about celebrities.. hey, it could still happen… look at  Harvey Levin from TMZ.. he’s a lawyer. I have big dreams of leaning over a half-wall and sipping on a travel mug all day in the near future.  


And as for that whole “cusp” thing….

Yeah, I’m pretty much screwed.

Question of the Day: What did you want to be when you grew up? Are you doing it? 

Are you “living your best life”, as Oprah would say? (oh god I think I just threw up a little in my mouth…..)

I’ll take: “You Sound like a Tool” for $100, Alex

I like to think of myself as being on a constant  journey of self-improvement. Granted, this journey is generally somewhat static- but every once and a while, I’ll attempt a bit of a surge forward.

One of these such attempts happened about a year ago, when I signed up to receive the “word of the day” through e-mail. My rationale for this was as follows: I like words. I use them sometimes. Why not use even BIGGER ones.

This was going to be great, I thought to myself as I filled in my information. My vocabulary will  increase 10-fold, and even small children (haaay Lola) and household pets will be impressed by my cunning vernacular. Only, I needed some sort of measure to keep myself accountable; something to ensure that this endeavour didn’t fall by the wayside like my previous attempts at self-improvement, such as flossing (over-rated) using reusable grocery bags (annoying) and learning to play the guitar (callused fingers? not so much a time). I decided that a good idea would be to challenge myself to use each day’s word at least once in a sentence- no excuses.

Sounds easy enough…..right?

Friends, let me tell you- if you have ever attempted to use a word you have just learned in general conversation for the first time, you know what a stressful, and humbling experience this can be.

If your use of the word is pre-meditated, you might spend an enormous amount of time plotting potential conversations you might casually drop it into; or practice saying the word in front of the mirror repeatedly in order to ensure proper pronunciation when the moment arises. If your use of the word is spur of the moment (a “crime of passion”,you might say), you will likely spend the following  15 minutes after you say it feeling self conscious; much like the first time you use the name of that-random-friend-of-yours-new girlfriend, praying to god that it was indeed Carolyn and not Caroline. 

In both situations, you may search the faces of those around you for non-verbal clues as to whether or not you have used the word correctly, anxiously misreading every smile, or chuckle by your friends as being directed at you and your glaring  illiteracy.  If, however, the requisite time has passed and no one has called you out on it, (or better yet, others actually nod in agreement) you might feel a sort of euphoric high- much like the sensation I imagine a criminal feels after getting away with the perfect crime.

Socially Awkward Penguin knows what I'm talking about....

I somehow managed to push these intrusive thoughts to the side by giving myself a little mental pep-talk (complete with a “YOU GOT THIS!“) before opening up my e-mail to uncover the first day’s word:  

Misnomer \mis·no·mer\
1.a misapplied or inappropriate name or designation.
2.an error in naming a person or thing.
Booya!! I thought to myself, as I did a silent little fist pump. Anyone who has been to law school (or likely any other professional program, for that matter) knows that this is probably one of, if not THE most overused words in the legal community. Since I was working as an articling student at a law firm at the time, I knew this was going to be a breeze. I casually let it drop that day during a lunchtime conversation with my fellow articling students about some vague political idea, and was met with several enthusiastic “OMG, I know, right?”‘s . 
Like shooting fish in a barrel.
Feeling overly confident, I approached the next day with the swagger of a legitimate wordsmith. Bring it on, Dictionary.com, I thought.
I opened my e-mail, and was greeted with the following:
bacchanalia \bak-uh-NAIL-yuh\, noun:

1. (plural, capitalized) The ancient Roman festival in honor of Bacchus, celebrated with dancing, song, and revelry.
2. A riotous, boisterous, or drunken festivity; a revel.

Well then. This looked like it was going to be a bit more of a challenge. 

It seemed unlikely that the literal, capitalized definition of this word was going to come up in everyday conversation (although, I wouldn’t put it past law students to shoot the breeze about the Ancient Romans), and so I realized I was probably going to have to creatively work it into some form of analogy. Maybe I could use my sense of humour to take the edge off, you know.. make it seem like a joke.

I waited patiently all day for an opportunity to use my new word to arise; and then finally, when someone at work began discussing their child’s birthday party that had taken place the previous weekend,  I sensed that my moment had come. I hesitated only slightly before deciding to go for it:

 “wow… what a ‘bacchanalia’ that mustve been!” I exclaimed, laughing nervously.

In a gametime decision, I had chosen to throw air quotes around the offending word, hopeful that this might lessen the blow. It quickly became obvious that this was a bad choice. If I didn’t know firsthand how meticulously our offices were cleaned each day (after having spent many a late night at work), I would have sworn I heard the sound of crickets. 

After that, things pretty much went downhill from there. Each day, I checked my email and found words that were more and more obscure:  

katzenjammer \KAT-suhn-jam-er\ , noun;

1.The discomfort and illness experienced as the aftereffects of excessive drinking; hangover.
2.Uneasiness; anguish; distress.
3. Uproar; clamor.
{Or, 4. that feeling that you, who have just heard me attempt to use this word, are likely experiencing right now}


braird \BRAIRD\, verb:

1. To sprout; appear above the ground.

{like the extra head you perceive me to be growing}

pleonasm \PLEE-uh-naz-uhm\, noun:

1. The use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; as, “I saw it with my own eyes.”
2. A superfluous word or expression.

{My thoughts exactly}

Autoschediasm  \aw-toh-skee-dee-az-uhm \ ,noun

 1. something that is improvised or extemporized
{Like your attempts to act like this didn’t just get weird right now. Thanks for that}.
Sockdolager  \sok-dol-uh-jer \ noun, Older Slang .
1. something unusually large, heavy, etc.

Opening my e-mail to find the word of the day began to feel less like a challenge and more like a sentence. What ridiculous word was I going to have to force awkwardly into conversation today? How many more people were going to avoid me in the servery??

Sadly, I realized that my use of these words was doing nothing to further my journey of self-improvement… rather i was REGRESSING, and steadily moving down the spectrum to becoming a complete and total douche bag. 

The fact of the matter is, that having an extensive vocabulary, like most other things in life- subscribes to the law of diminishing returns. Sure, its nice to be able to throw out words like “superfluous”; “trite”; and “Kim Kardashian” into conversation and impress people, but after a certain number of words, the benefits start to taper off.  Unless you know, you’re writing a 10,000 word essay on “Jane Eyre” and you haven`t been to class all semester; or if you’re a contestant on Jeopardy, and every category is “Wordplay“.

Or this one

Guess I’m going to have to take up a new avenue of self-improvement. Maybe I’ll go for something less ambitious this time… like Juicing. Or Planking. Not sure how much this one will really “improve” me, but I hear its pretty hot right now.  

Question of the Day: What attempts at self-improvement have YOU made recently?? Bonus points if  they failed miserably .

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