5 Summer Trends I’ll Be Skipping This Year

Summer is finally upon us, and you know what that means! Goodbye polar vortex– hello picnics, pool parties and patio drinks!

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……But with all of this all excitement comes one pesky little problem:

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Realizing my summer wardrobe was in serious need of an upgrade (read: I “outgrew” most of it) I hit up the mall last week in search of some new threads. Unfortunately, what started out as a fun outing quickly turned sour when I realized that pretty much everything out there was either made for:

a) a 17-year-old;

b) Kate Moss; or, worse

c) a 17-year-old Kate Moss.

Needless to say, it was a bit disheartening.

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So what’s a girl on wrong side of 27 25 to do? While I still haven’t quite figured that out yet, here are some trends I know I won’t be rocking this summer:

1. Crop Tops

In the words of the great Mugatu, Crop Tops are “so hot right now”. Everyone and their dog is wearing them. So when Mindy Kaling, champion of not-so-skinny-girls everywhere, recently sported one,

The Paley Center For Media's PaleyFest 2014 Honoring "The Mindy Project"

I was finally inspired to try it out for myself. Unfortunately, what I didn’t factor in was the key element in crop-top wearing- confidence.

I spent the entire evening all:

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Pulling my top down, my skirt up or both; praying for the moment I could go home and crawl into oversized sweatpants.

Still, I can’t quite bring myself to throw it out. It now takes up space in my drawer of broken dreams, along with my tutu, ill-advised harem pants and many rhinestone-encrusted belt buckles. So, so many rhinestones.

2. Super-Short Jean Shorts

Despite the fact that approximately 0.1% of the population can actually pull them off, these babies somehow continue to be ubiquitous. Everywhere I look, I see girls of all shapes and sizes sporting super-short cut-offs with their pockets – and everything else- hanging out.  And I just ask myself one question:

I don’t get it. Not only are they almost universally unflattering, they are uncomfortable to boot. (Trust me- I owned a pair for a hot minute. I spent half the time I wore them feeling extremely self-conscious, and the other half tending to the worst wedgie known to mankind.)

Plus, if I really wanted my butt to hang out, I’d just buy a pair of these novelty butt shorts.

Hehe. Butt shorts.

3. Supertight Maxi Dresses

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some maxi dresses- provided they are of the flowy, patterned, Mrs. Roper variety:

What I can’t get behind, are these minimal pieces of stretchy polyester that would make even the aforementioned 17-year-old Kate Moss look like she had a paunch.

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4. Floral Headbands

I almost- ALMOST- subscribed to this trend back in the summer of 2013. I was headed to Lollapalooza (you can read about it here) and needed some boho-chic festival attire. I remember picking up a flower crown in Urban Outfitters and thinking.. “Can I rock this?”  but ultimately deciding to go with some multi-coloured sunglasses and 500 bracelets instead. And boy am I glad I did. There were so many 18-year-olds sporting these halos of fabric daisies that it looked like some kind of flower girl army. (Which, theoretically shouldn’t have been scary, but it totally was.)

Now let me just say I don’t really mind this trend when it is done modestly, e.g.

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but the problem is, they just keep getting bigger..

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…and bigger

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…. and BIGGER

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Pretty soon flowers are going to be engulfing these b*tches whole heads. And then we’re gonna have a whole species of Human/Floral cyborgs running around….and no one wants that.

 5. Complicated One-Pieces

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While they might look chic, these puppies are damn near impossible get on. I once tried to wedge myself into one for nearly 20 minutes before ultimately collapsing into a pile of sweat, tears and self-loathing on the change room floor.

And if my cautionary tale wasn’t enough to dissuade you, then I’ve got one word for you ladies: TANLINES.

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Unless you want to look like a human checkerboard or like you’e got some sort of weird, unidentifiable skin condition- I suggest you steer clear of this one.

Question of the Day: What Summer Trends will you be skipping this year?

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Fancy A Spot of Tea?

I don’t know about you guys, but I love a good tea party.

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As a little girl, I hosted them on the reg. I had a miniature table and chairs in my bedroom solely for that purpose, and had no fewer than 6 different tea sets on rotation at any given moment. I would serve “tea” (Sunny Delight) and “crumpets” (cut up Toaster Strudels) to my distinguished guests; a rotating cast of my favourite toys du jour. Regulars included:

  • my Cabbage Patch doll Celine Ilse (apparently she was French Canadian??);
  • a talking Teddy Ruxpin, that, looking back was completely terrifying;
  • an incredibly sexist Teen Talk Barbie that said things like “Math is hard!” and “Will we ever have enough clothes?”;
  • myriads of My Little Ponies;
  • Quints;
Remember these weirdos?

…and just to add a little masculinity to the mix, several of my brothers’ G.I. Joe figurines.

Yep, it was a real equal opportunity affair. 

Since apparently throwing lavish gatherings for your stuffed animals is no longer “socially acceptable” after the age of 12, I’ve experienced a marked decline in the number of tea parties I attend in my adult life. 

That’s why I was beyond excited when one of my coworkers invited me to an afternoon tea party at her house last weekend. With real live humans!!

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The invitation indicated that the dress code was casual, but that “Fascinators were encouraged”.

Challenge: accepted. 

Somehow, despite being neither British nor fancy, I have managed to accumulate a sizeable collection of obnoxious head pieces over the years. (I don’t know what this says about me as a person. I don’t care to find out.)

I thought about pulling out this one from the tickle trunk:

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But instead opted for this more understated headband variety:

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….paired with a giant (faux) fur vest and a fancy-ass brooch with a horse on it.

What? Don’t be such a neigh-sayer. 

I also upped my accessory game with my new bracelet stack; because nothing screams
class  like 18 lbs of gold-plated joo-ree you bought from the Shopping Channel.

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I arrived,dripping in elegance, to discover that the hostess had prepared an amazing spread of treats:

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Seriously-  it was insani-tea!! (Sorry. I’m done with the puns now).

Besides all of this glorious food, she also brewed some delicious loose leaf tea which she served in these fancy little cups.

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There were seven girls in attendance, and we snuggled up in the living room and spent a few cozy hours munching on macarons and dishing about men. The weather outside was terrible and rainy, but I didn’t really mind, because it sort of made me feel like Carey Mulligan in The Great Gatsby.

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Because I am delusional.

………..And then the Chardonnay came out. And I think my story ends here.

Question of the Day: Have you ever been to a tea party? High Tea?

Throwback Thursday: High School Style

Aah High school: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

……..But mostly the worst of times. At least when it came to my fashion sense.

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What I WISH I looked like in high school

Looking back on the years 2001- 2004, there are many outfits of which I’m not proud… and by that I mean all of them. But who wants to peak in high school anyway? As Ashley Cardiff puts it in her book “Night Terrors: Sex, Dating, Puberty, and other Alarming Things“:

“As soon as anyone ever says that high school years are the best of your life, you should just X them permanently. They’re done; they don’t have anything to offer you”.

True dat. Here are just a few of the things I wore in high school that make me never want to relive those years:

1. All Puma Errthang

So back in high school I had a slight (ok, huge) obsession with Missy Elliot.

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My love for the irreverent female rapper manifested itself in several different ways – all of which equally unfortunate. Like my desire to, despite being a white girl from small-town Nova Scotia, collect and wear as much Puma gear as humanly possible.

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I had at least half a dozen puma handbags and several track jackets; all of which I saved up for and bought with the money I made working as a cashier at a Sobeys grocery store (which mostly involved taking extra-long breaks and flirting with the tattooed parcel pick-up guy). I would get decked out in all my Puma and drive to school in my parents huge Dodge Ram truck, blasting Under Construction at eardrum-shattering decibels.

….uh, yeah. I was THAT cool.

2. Sk8Er Shoes

My fashion identity as a teen (if you could even call it that) was schizophrenic at best. Despite being a hip-hopapotamuswanna be, I also fancied myself as a bit of a skater girl. (What can I say, Avril Lavigne was big at the time).

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Luckily, I kept it skater-light, so this mostly involved wearing skater shoes and the occasional pocket chain. I had a pair of baby blue suede Vans with maroon V’s that were my prized possession. I used to clean them every night meticulously with a toothbrush. I also had a pair of black Etnies with bubblegum pink accents.

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I told you I am not proud of this.

3. Hawaiian Ginger Body Spray

If there’s one thing every 16-year-old girl needs, it’s more self-esteem a signature scent- and Calgon Hawaiian Ginger body spray was mine.

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Though I dabbled in both Satsuma from the Body Shop and Gap Dream, Hawaiian ginger was my tried, tested and true.

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A pungent mix of exotic fruit, white orchids and broken adolescent dreams, the stench was enough to put hair on your chest.

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 I can’t even smell this sickeningly sweet concoction without being transported back to a time of secret parties, bottles clinking in backpacks (sorry mom & dad) and Pony by Ginuwine.

4. Low-Rise Jeans

If there is one thing I have learned in my old age, it’s that low-rise jeans flatter no one. Except for maybe pre-2007 Britney Spears.

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Now, if I just had that DeLorean I’ve been asking for, then I could go back in time and tell my high-school self this and save us all a lot of embarassment.

Dear 17-year-old BreezyK: Hip Hugger flares have never been, nor will they ever be, your friend. Love: 27-year-old BreezyK.

5. American Eagle

I grew up in a small town where, aside from a sad Sears department store and a Northern Reflections, there was no clothing shopping whatsoever.

After 16 years of wearing nothing but Point Zero jeans and sweaters with loons on them,

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I was stoked when an American Eagle Jeans store opened up about two hours away in Halifax.

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For the rest of high school, I wore nothing but graphic tees and pre-distressed jeans.

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I remember once while shopping, another customer asked me if I worked there. It was hands down the best moment of my life.

6. Chunky Highlights

Why, pray tell, did anyone ever think THIS was a good idea?

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I could go on- but I think we’ve all suffered enough. Oh, and don’t even get me STARTED on my prom dress. That’s a whole other post right there.

Question of the Day: What embarrassing things did you wear in high school?

B*tch Stole My Look

So I know this blog has been limping along like Lohan’s career, but I am finally here to break my prolonged silence with  a very important announcement:

You guys…..

DRAKE JACKED MY OUTFIT

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That’s right. DrizzyDrake pilfered my swag.

Let me explain.

I took this selfie of my amazing (and expertly styled) Wu-Tang Clan t-shirt on my way to a fashion show/design competition here in Toronto called The Art of Fashion.

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….Because I do cool things like go to fashion shows all the time. See, look, here’s me at Paris fashion week with Kim and Kanye (and Ciara? WTF?).

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Just kidding. I’ve never actually been to a fashion show. (Sorry, Lily Collins for superimposing my head over your spectacular eyebrows). But my friend’s sister was organizing this one, and there was an open bar, so… you know…..

Anyhoo, shortly after posting the aforementioned selfie, I noticed that Drake instagrammed a pic of himself wearing suspiciously similar threads.

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ummmm can you say BITCH STOLE MY LOOK??

Not cool, Drizzy, Not cool.  I’ve decided the only possible explanation for this is that Drake is in love with/obsessed with me and has been monitoring my Instagram feed (@breezyk1 holllaaaa) for all of the latest trends.

Who knew Wheelchair Jimmy was such a biter?

JUST KIDDING DRAKE I LOVE YOU AND YOUR NEW ALBUM!!! NWTS4LIFE!

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Sorry for all the caps lock. I’ve clearly been spending too much time on Kanye West’s twitter feed.

Anyway, since all of you need more gems like this one in your life (and I clearly need more practice writing coherent sentences), I’ve decided to do a blog post a day for the entire month of October!*

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*Monday to Friday. Ain’t nobody got time for that on weekends.

Don’t expect much. 95% of my posts are probably going to be about pumpkin spice lattes.

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There’s a reason they call them clichés.

Question of the Day:

Has a b*tch ever stolen your look? What did you do about it?

Also: How often do you post on your blog? What do you think is the optimal amount?

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