A wise woman once said, “It takes a village to raise a child”.
That, and “You can never have enough pantsuits”
…but we won’t hold that against her.
In honor of this maxim (the village, not the pantsuits), this Mother’s Day, I’ll be celebrating not only to my own mom, but also all of the amazing TV moms who helped raise me. Claire Huxtable, Elyse Keaton, Vivian Banks, Kitty Foreman- where would I be without all of their sage advice, no-non sense attitudes and witty one-liners? (Well, maybe a little more well- read. But that’s beside the point.)
Here, with the help of a few GIFS, are 10 lessons I learned from TV moms:
1. Stand Up For Yourself
…. you show those b*tches who’s boss
2. You only have one family, so you might as well make the most of it.
3. Not everything that’s good for you is fun
4. Don’t worry so much about your appearance
………..You can have a harelip, crunchy bangs, or look like Mama June and someone will still love you.
5. It’s Important To Always Be a Lady
6. Every once in a while, you need to eat a piece of humble pie
Well kids, I’m here to tell you that if you stalk work hard enough, dreams really do come true!
That’s right ladies- read ’em and weep: Brandon Walsh and I are officially an item. (Just kidding. I don’t think his wife would like that very much. But our heads are touching in this pic, which basically means we’re besties now.)
The pic above was taken at the wrap party for the play Race by David Mamet, in which Jason starred as a morally conflicted criminal lawyer.
My friend Jane and I went to see it a couple of weeks ago, and afterwards received an e-mail inviting us to schmooze with Jason and the cast at the wrap party. Obviously we couldn’t let the opportunity to hang with 90210’s resident moral compass pass us by,
so we got dolled up and went.
There were only about 75 people in attendance, so stalking opportunity = prime. Jason was hanging with the DJ and taking some photos with fans, so we made our way up to talk to him.
I will admit, I had a total fangirl moment was unable to form words for the first few seconds,
But eventually I pulled it together and eeked out “I loved your play!” (lie, it was terrible) “you made a very convincing lawyer!” (another lie, he didn’t), and then we chatted for a few minutes – mostly about Nova Scotia, where I’m from, and he films his TV show Call me Fitz. He said he loves it and has been thinking of buying a home there (!!!!). Note to self: move back to Nova Scotia.
Things were just getting good when his handler came over and asked “if I could I please hurry it up because they needed to move along.”
Ummm.. RUDE. Could she not see we clearly had a connection?
Anyway, we shared a wistful embrace (if you’re wondering, he smelled like expensive cologne and nostalgia) and then Jane and I left and headed to another bar. We were debriefing about our brush with celebrity when lo and behold, Jason and his assistant walk into the VERY SAME BAR!
On the inside I was like:
But on the outside, I’m just like:
We asked them if they were stalking us (because, you know, we touched heads, so we can joke like that now) and they laughed, and then drank with us for the rest of the night. (And by “with us” I mean at the table next to us, and we didn’t speak another word- but close enough for me!)
Anyway, I see this all as a very positive development in our relationship. Am I disappointed things didn’t progress more? Sure. But it’s Brandon Walsh, I’ve learned he likes to take things slow.
Don’t worry Brandon Jason- I’ve got time.
Question of the Day: Were you a 90210 fan? What celeb from your youth would you want to meet?
Well, it’s Thursday- and you know what that means: time to check in on some of our favourite has-beens celebrities from days gone by!
In my last edition of Throwback Thursday, I solicited recommendations for more celebrities to exploit follow up on, and man, you guys did NOT disappoint. You came up with some real, certified, D-List gems- and that’s saying something, considering I thought most of them were on Celebrity Rehab or Couples Therapy already.
Anyway, your wish is my command Google search! For each of these artists I’ve answered the age-old question “Where are they now?” – so grab some popcorn and watch as the train wrecks unfold!
If you were alive in 1997 and still had functioning ear drums after being subjected to “My Heart Will Go On” eleventy billion times, then you are undoubtedly familiar with this song:
With these amazing lyrics, cheekbones for days, and hair that defied all natural laws of gravity, it seemed Jimmy Ray was destined for superstardom.
Alas- it was not meant to be. Apparently Jimmy suffered some “creative differences” with his label, and after producing a few more ill-fated singles, they dropped his ass. The English rockabilly crooner was left to join the ranks of such other one-hit wonders as Chumbawamba and Lou Bega (Mambo No. 5 anyone?).
So what’s a boy with nothing but a dream, some perfectly cuffed jeans and a glamorous novelty belt buckle to do?
Well I’ll tell you what he’s NOT doing: sitting at home, clutching his solid gold single and crying into his brylcreem.
Instead, Jimmy marched his signature pout and devil-may-care attitude down the street to someone who actually gave a damn. Now he’s a member of the Airplayers, a song production team producing pop acts mainly in the UK and Europe. (He also has a LinkedIn profile, so you know he’s serious.)
I can’t find a recent pic, but for the love of God, I hope he hasn’t lost all his hair.
Color Me Badd
… I mean, they really need no introduction. The early 90’s R&B group from Oklahoma sold over 12 million albums in the U.S. with such hits as “I Wanna Sex You Up” and “All 4 love” – all while rocking jewel-toned pantsuits.
A moment of silence for that trend, please.
Anyway, after schooling us all in the arts of synchronized dance routines and color blocking:
Color Me Badd broke up in 2000, and the four members went their separate ways.
Sam Watters became a record producer and married American Idol alum Tamyra Grey
Mark Calderon became a Christian recording artist
Kevin Thorton was ordained as a Minister, and
Bryan Abrams was up on domestic violence charges.
Although the R&B Angels sing no more, their legacy still lives on by inspiring such parody videos as Lonely Island’s “D*ck In A Box”.
… and at the end of the day, that’s what every band wants, isn’t it?
If you were a teenage girl in the late 90’s, then don’t even pretend you didn’t lose your sh*t every time “When The Lights Go Out” came on at your high school dance:
You know you rocked your kerchief top and cargo pants on the dance floor so hard at least one of your butterfly clips flew out and wedged itself in some unsuspecting kid’s braces.
It wasn’t your fault. These dudes were certified lady killers: “Slam Dunk Da Funk”, “Got the Feelin”, “If Ya Gettin Down” – need I go on??
Sadly, 5ive’s time in the spotlight was short-lived. The Brit boy band, which was created by the same producers as The Spice Girls (and included a member named “Abz Love”), split up in 2001 after- you guessed it- “creative differences”. The boys’ post-breakup history is pretty much par for the course: failed solo careers, stints at music production, domestic abuse allegations, oh- and of course a reality show.
So good news everybody: I survived my whirlwind long weekend in Las Vegas!
The bad news? I am once again freezing my tuckus off in a subarctic Canadian climate. Also, the Easter bunny seems to have forgotten about me completely. I wonder if this has anything to do with the epic diss I gave him in my last post?
I still blame him for being so creepy.
So I must admit, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about Vegas at first. As my friend Jane so eloquently put it, “I didn’t think Vegas was leftist enough for you“.
I take her point,
But I still really enjoyed it. As Steve Wynn, owner of half the Las Vegas strip (and that creepy voice inside all the cabs) once famously said: “Las Vegas is sort of like how God would do it if he had money.”
I have a feeling God might have made a few changes- but if his son`s tweets are any indication, a Las Vegas run by the holy family would still be a pretty fun place to be:
Since I promised my fellow bachelorette-goers I wouldn’t get into too much of the nitty-gritty of our trip, I’m tailoring my Vegas recap to a few things I learned about the city in general. So here goes:
6 Things Everyone Should Know About Las Vegas
1. There’s Something For Everyone
Based on my limited knowledge of Vegas, I expected the crowd to be mainly party-goers, eloping couples and Kim Kardashian.
Au contraire bonjour! Apparently everyone goes to Vegas! Families, couples, grandparents, these guys:
At first I was confused by all the little kids running around,
………..And then I saw this roller coaster:
It’s also way less glamorous than I expected. I thought people would be dressed to the nines everywhere I went- but let’s just say….. they weren’t. (Hey, I’m practicing cutting people some slack here!)
2. You Can Literally Do Whatever You Want. Except Bring Gum Inside Wet Republic.
My first thought about Las Vegas was that there were no rules whatsoever. Everywhere I looked people were walking around with alcoholic drinks, wearing bikinis, smoking INSIDE.
I even saw one guy drinking his walktail (<– see what I did there) out of a full-sized plastic guitar. It was awesome.
My perception shifted, however, after my first visit to MGM’s famously raucous party pool Wet Republic.
With security so thick it rivaled Bieber’s entourage, guards double-checked your ID and vigorously inspected the contents of your purse at the entrance- removing any prohibited or nefarious looking items. Advil? No bueno. Bottled water? Fuhhhgettabout it. I even had my pack of Dentyne Ice confiscated. I still don’t know why. Maybe they thought I was some sort of gum weilding assassin?? Or maybe they just didn’t want me to get it stuck in my own hair. That makes sense.
3. It’s In The Desert, Yo!!
I know what you`re thinking, and yes, I have seen a map before. But it was in that movie National Treasure and I couldn’t make it out very well.
Anyway, I kinda had an inkling that Vegas was in the middle of the desert, but I guess I didn’t fully appreciate this until my skin started shrivelling up like a California Raisin.
My hair quickly followed suit, leaving me resembling one of those sad “before” girls from hair commercials.
Ladies: 3 words: Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
4. If You Move There, You Will Gain 300lbs.
Ummm.. HOLY PORTION SIZES BATMAN. The American “bigger is better” philosophy was really drilled home to me during my several trips to McDonalds and In-and-Out Burger. Did you know a standard McNugget meal in the U.S.is 10 McNuggets, while in Canada, it`s only 6??
And as if that weren’t enough, my hotel also had the world-famous Jean Phillippe Bakery right downstairs. Nutella brioche??almond croissants? CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN? Heart… Beating… Faster.
You guys, it was a bad scene for BreezyK. Think Homer Simpson in the land of chocolate,
But worse. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
5. There is always a “List”- And you need to be on it.
For girls, this basically means just leaving your hotel room. For guys, it means putting on your best Burberry knockoff and spending hours in line haggling with some glorified bouncer to let you and your buddies spend a grand on a bottle of Grey Goose. Which you will then ultimately give to a group of cute 20-somethings, who will drink every last drop before running off to find the next table of suckers. The b*tches probably won’t even say goodbye.
And they say life isn’t fair 😉
6. There`s a Good Chance It Was All Just A Mirage
I mean, it was in the middle of the desert. And the whole thing did sort of feel like a dream. The only evidence I have of even being there are a few instagram pics and a quick-fading tan. But that doesn’t prove anything. I could have just been abducted by aliens with a penchant for vitamin D and social media.
………If I ever made any sense, I have clearly ceased to do so.
Lets get to the winner of my East-Vegas giveaway! Congratulations (drumroll pleaaaaase):
With the Holiday season quickly drawing to a close and 2013 fast approaching, the internet is ablaze with “2012 year in review” posts. My favourite, of course, being the ones about annoying celebrities.
And since the 100 scotch cookies I’ve eaten over the past week have completely turned my brain to mush (that’s right, mom. I found your secret stash. muhahaha), I figured I’d weigh in with my own list of utterly unbearable celebrities in 2012.
1. Bethenny Frankel
I love hate to be gratuitously mean here, but there is just something about Bethenny Frankel’s face I really don’t like. Actually, it’s everything about her face. And her voice. And her personality.
I feel sort of bad harping on her, since her made-for-tv marriage just broke up and everything, but I really can’t help it. She just grinds my gears. Bethenny please, for the love of God, pack up your 8 TV shows, cookbook collection and SkinnyGirl Margaritas (which are gross, by the way) and just go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it’s not in my living room.
2. Lindsay Lohan
Oh, Lilo. It’s just a sin, really. There’s not much I can say here that hasn’t been beaten to death already..so instead I’ll just focus this portion of the post on the travesty that is her hair extensions.
I mean, really, Linds. I know you’ve been experiencing some financial difficulties as of late, but couldn’t you just pawn a stolen fur or something and get yourself some new ‘stensions? It’s the least you could do after making us sit through Liz and Dick. Plus, that nasty weave of yours sure as hell ain’t inspiring no confidence in any judges. Trust me. I know these things.
3. Rihanna & Chris Brown
If you, like me, have made the mistake of following BadgalRiRi on Twitter or Instagram, then you already know what I’m talking about. Her newsfeed, which, at the best of times, is a schizophrenic combo of ganja posts, half-naked selfies and “inspirational mantras”, has recently played host to her grade 8 style make-up/break-up/meltdown cycle with Chris Brown.
Plus this whole Karreuche Tran love triangle element. RiRi seriously needs to pull a Mary J Blige, cut the drama, and stick to doing what she does best: writing killer pop songs and performing them in front of Windows Screensavers on SNL.
4. Honey Boo Boo
Y’all know I have shockingly low standards when it comes to my reality-tv (Ex-Wives of Rock, anyone?), but even I draw the line at Honey Boo Boo.
Never has anything so mentally and physically repulsed me within a 30 minute time period. Except for maybe my performance on the treadmill yesterday. But let’s not talk about that.
From the gourmet ‘sketti dinners, to the Go Go Juice, to Mama June’s “forklift foot” (for the love of God, do NOT google this), I just can’t even. It’s actually shocking to me how spoiled and ill-behaved this child is. The last thing homegirl needs is a renewed contract. What she really needs is a speech pathologist.
5. Tom Cruise
This one is also kind of gratuitous, because Tom didn’t really do anything in particular to piss me off in 2012; besides get his “heart broken” spectacularly. I just kind of can’t stand him. His voice. His smile. His glibness. I mean, just look at him:
Leave the “charmingly befuddled” thing to Hugh Grant, would you Tom?
There is a Scientology building in Toronto, and whenever I pass by it I like to imagine it as a 24-hour “Tom Cruise New Wife” screening centre. I always do a quick scan of the entrances for tall, endomorph midwestern girl next-door-types. No luck yet, though. They must be hiding them well.
Phew. Ok. End rant. I feel I can enter 2013 marginally less bitter now. Marginally.
Question of the Day: What celebrities do you find the most annoying?