The Fantasy Boyfriend Draft

It’s that time of year again, folks- when body paint, beer and tailgate parties abound, and the men in your life fall into a state of temporary insanity for the next few months.


That’s right it’s football season!


How do I, a girl whose only knowledge of football stems from the movie The Water Boy, even know this, you might ask?


Because for the past two weeks, I have listened to nothing but my male coworkers and friends discuss their fantasy football leagues.


While at first I sat there bored to tears, praying for imminent death, after a while the idea of a fantasy draft started to sound kind of appealing to me. Not the football part of course – more the plotting, scheming, strategizing and overall shit-talking involved. I thought, wouldn’t it be cool if there was a fantasy draft focused on something I actually cared about?

…. like boys.

You guys… what if there was A FANTASY BOYFRIEND LEAGUE??

A dream-like place where a roster of all of your ideal boyfriends would compete against teams of other ladies’ choosing in all of the manliest of activities? I’ m talking wood chopping, moustache growing, outdoor survival skills, shirtless acoustic guitar playing, and of course- the manliest of all artisinal crafts: furniture making.

Or maybe they would just fan you with palm fronds and feed you bunches of grapes all day. I haven’t quite figured it all out just yet.

But what I HAVE figured out, is who would make up my team. Hold onto your hats ladies, because the draft is about to begin!

Round 1: Ryan Gosling


You knew it was coming. Like 99.999% of the other women on the planet, I’ve loved this piece of sexy Canadian man-candy since he first stole my heart as Sean on Breaker High.


That pleather jacket! My heart be still.

Round 2: Bradley Cooper


In the event that the reigning Sexiest Man Alive happened to still be available, you better believe he’d be coming home with me as a second round draft pick. Not only has homeboy got the whole rugged, charmingly befuddled thing going on, he also loves his mama.


Round 3: Seth Meyers


The lovable SNL head writer and Weekend Update host always had a special place in my heart- despite the fact that he is already engaged to a (different) sexy lawyer. Well, Seth- I just have one thing to say about that:

Really? Really?


Round 4: Joseph Gordon Levitt


Hey JGL, what’s that vest made of? Oh yeah… BOYFRIEND MATERIAL.

Ever since I saw him rocking out to The Smiths in 500 Days of Summer, I knew the indie heart-throb had to be mine. In fact, I’d take him even with this haircut:

That’s love.

Round 5: Rafael Nadal


Since every fantasy boyfriend team needs at least one professional athlete (<– I just made that rule up right now), I have chosen the 12-time Grand Slam winning tennis star and sexy Spaniard that is Rafa. Admittedly- his English is a bit touch and go – but something tells me I could learn look past that.

…..with these biceps. (Please ignore the fact that he looks a bit like Michelangelo in this pic)


Round 6: Jason Sudeikis


Damn you and your perfect cheekbones, Olivia Wilde! Why must you take my perfect man away from me!

Round 7: Colin Firth


This one needs no explaining. If my boy Mark Darcy isn’t the penultimate boyfriend, then I really don’t know who is.

Yes, I like you very much, Colin – just as you are.

Round 8: Chris O’Dowd


This one falls into my “up and comer” category. I first developed a crush on this Irish hottie when he portrayed Kristin Wiig’s love interest in Bridesmaids. This crush later blossomed into a full-on stalker flower while watching him HBO’s Family Tree. He’s cute, tall, funny, loveable- and I kinda wanna pinch his cheeks.

It’s not weird.

Round 9: Joel McHale


Joel for me falls into the “underrated” category. He cracks me up every day on The Soup and is hella handsome, but for some reason hasn’t reached leading man status just yet. Don’t worry Joel.. you’re a leading man in my heart.

Round 10: Thomas Mars


This might seem like a strange pick, given that he is not all that conventionally good-looking, but I’ve been seriously crushing on the Phoenix lead singer since I saw him crowd surf at Lollapalooza.


Plus, he’s married to Sofia Coppola which officially makes him 1/2 of the coolest couple of all time. Sigh.


P.S. Did I just use the expression “seriously crushing”?


Round 11: Jay Baruchel

I’ve loved the Canadian funny man since I used to watch him on “Popular Mechanics For Kids” alongside Elisha Cuthbert.

Popular Mechanics for Kids l-r Alisha, Jay
Yes, this really happened.

Since he only lives a few hours away in Montreal, I actually kind of like my chances on this one. It’s all about pipe dreams, kids.

Round 12: Prince Harry


I was about to cut it off at 11, but then I remembered that every fantasy boyfriend team needs a royal! Enter Prince Hot Ginge (or “PHG”). While the reality of ginger babies would be a risk I would have to take, I’m confident PHG’s playfullness, charm and winning smile would outweigh the potential downsides. Plus, I just love attention. Bring on the paparazzi!!

Question of the Day: Who would be on your fantasy boyfriend (or girlfriend) team?


27 thoughts on “The Fantasy Boyfriend Draft

Add yours

  1. Catherine Zeta Jones
    Kate Beckinsale
    Maureen Dunlop ‘cos she can fly planes.

    I haven’t heard of many of your hearthrobs, but I was surprised to see Gordon Levitt thingy – he looked disturbingly young and skinny in Inception.

    Also, I don’t why, but I reckon Prince H. has had a go on Kate Middleton a few times.


  2. My celebrity crushes go down more every day. So many of them just make me so bitter. But Anna Kendrick is one of the few who is not only cute, but really sarcastic/bitter funny that I feel I can identify with.


  3. I will not comment on such foolishness πŸ˜‰ other than to note the coincidence that I just watched The Place Beyond the Pines last night (it stars your top two picks). I suppose you’ve seen it(?) It’s a great film, although I suspect our interest in it would be for different reasons πŸ˜‰


  4. I love this idea! Most of my picks mirror yours, but I’d swap out Nadal for anyone on the Olympic swimming teams and throw Ryan Reynolds in there somewhere.

    May need to do some Google Image research now … what an excellent afternoon distraction.


  5. I’m not one to pick fights, but Seth Meyers, really?! And Prince Harry was relegated to a last round draft pick? No! πŸ™‚ Channing Tatum, Tom Hardy, The Brawny Man (post make-over), Richard Ayoade and Joe Manginello would be on list!


    1. Seth is amazing!! So funny, smart, humble and charming… no worries if you’re not a fan tho more for me πŸ˜‰
      Joe Manginello is the shit though I agree.. he was so hot in the JLO baby movie


  6. You know, I figured you lost me after Portlandia (brilliant) and there was Ryan GROSSling (amiright, fellas?). But your unpredictability lured me back, much like my first serious girlfriend after she dumped me, only to have me dump her right on back. BAM! In closing: PMK! Loved watching that show with my kids.
    I think I sprained something writing this comment…


  7. I’ll overlook the fact Adam Brody didn’t make the cut (and accept the gif as your apology) because I too think JGL is boyfriend material! Swoon. I feel like the Goslings and the Tatums have had their day & it’s time the less obvious hotties got some attention – I think your picks are almost spot on!


    1. Consider Adam Brody an honorable mention πŸ™‚ I see he is in a new movie coming out soon so hopefully that will console you πŸ˜‰
      I agree on the less obvious hotties.. although I’d still take Gosling. Channing Tatum kind of looks like a thumb.


  8. OMG I love this idea. It sounds way more fun than boring old football! I agree with you on Ryan Gosling. I believe I fell in love with him once I saw the notebook, and I doubt I will ever fall out of love with him πŸ˜› So is 12 the number you have to pick? Are they supposed to be in some kind of order? I want to do this now.


  9. Thick like Vin Diesel, calm like Morgan Freedom, clever like Jon Stewart, private like Anthony Hopkins, vulnerable like Ryan Reynolds, educated like Richard Dawkins, eyes like Jeffrey Dean Morgan, lips like Brendan Fraser, patience like Richard Attenborough, spaz like Gabriel Iglesias, eyebrows like Liev Schreiber, energy like Neil deGrasse Tyson, voice like Mike Rowe, sweet like Michael Clarke Duncan, subtle like David Hyde Pierce. And likes to cook.


  10. I agree with almost all of your picks. Thomas Mars is in my Fantasy Boyfriend League too! I’ve never been one for celebrity couples, but he and Sofia Coppola are THE COOLEST COUPLE EVER. But there is one on your list (and on pretty much every other woman’s list in the world) that I don’t understand. Jason Sudeikis? Why do people like him?? He always has hot girlfriends too, so I’ve got to be missing something. But I tend to go for nerd hot, i.e. Joseph Gordon-Levitt… also in my league is pretty much every guy who’s ever appeared on Supernatural (except for Bobby and Chuck) and, maybe this is weird, Stephen Colbert.


  11. You have amazing taste in men. After each picture I exclaimed “YES” so yeah, I approve. And I nominate myself to take whoever is left over from the pack. Please tell me you’ve seen “This Is The End”. Jay Baruchel is in it and he’s so cutie patootie. Also, if you’re into the soup and all things Joel McHale, you should start watching Community because there’s a lot of him in it and he occasionally takes of his shirt. Jus’ sayin’.


  12. That guy was totally on Popular Mechanics For Kids!! He would definitely not be on my list. His voice is so annoying! JGL would probably only come up to my shoulder, but I don’t care – have you seen the lip sync with Jimmy Fallon? And when he sings with Zooey Deschanel – he’s a charmer for sure.


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