It’s that time of year again, folks- when body paint, beer and tailgate parties abound, and the men in your life fall into a state of temporary insanity for the next few months.
That’s right it’s football season!
How do I, a girl whose only knowledge of football stems from the movie The Water Boy, even know this, you might ask?
Because for the past two weeks, I have listened to nothing but my male coworkers and friends discuss their fantasy football leagues.
While at first I sat there bored to tears, praying for imminent death, after a while the idea of a fantasy draft started to sound kind of appealing to me. Not the football part of course – more the plotting, scheming, strategizing and overall shit-talking involved. I thought, wouldn’t it be cool if there was a fantasy draft focused on something I actually cared about?
…. like boys.
You guys… what if there was A FANTASY BOYFRIEND LEAGUE??
A dream-like place where a roster of all of your ideal boyfriends would compete against teams of other ladies’ choosing in all of the manliest of activities? I’ m talking wood chopping, moustache growing, outdoor survival skills, shirtless acoustic guitar playing, and of course- the manliest of all artisinal crafts: furniture making.
Or maybe they would just fan you with palm fronds and feed you bunches of grapes all day. I haven’t quite figured it all out just yet.
But what I HAVE figured out, is who would make up my team. Hold onto your hats ladies, because the draft is about to begin!
Round 1: Ryan Gosling
You knew it was coming. Like 99.999% of the other women on the planet, I’ve loved this piece of sexy Canadian man-candy since he first stole my heart as Sean on Breaker High.
That pleather jacket! My heart be still.
Round 2: Bradley Cooper
In the event that the reigning Sexiest Man Alive happened to still be available, you better believe he’d be coming home with me as a second round draft pick. Not only has homeboy got the whole rugged, charmingly befuddled thing going on, he also loves his mama.
Round 3: Seth Meyers
The lovable SNL head writer and Weekend Update host always had a special place in my heart- despite the fact that he is already engaged to a (different) sexy lawyer. Well, Seth- I just have one thing to say about that:
Round 4: Joseph Gordon Levitt
Hey JGL, what’s that vest made of? Oh yeah… BOYFRIEND MATERIAL.
Ever since I saw him rocking out to The Smiths in 500 Days of Summer, I knew the indie heart-throb had to be mine. In fact, I’d take him even with this haircut:
Round 5: Rafael Nadal
Since every fantasy boyfriend team needs at least one professional athlete (<– I just made that rule up right now), I have chosen the 12-time Grand Slam winning tennis star and sexy Spaniard that is Rafa. Admittedly- his English is a bit touch and go – but something tells me I could learn look past that.
…..with these biceps. (Please ignore the fact that he looks a bit like Michelangelo in this pic)
Round 6: Jason Sudeikis
Damn you and your perfect cheekbones, Olivia Wilde! Why must you take my perfect man away from me!
Round 7: Colin Firth
This one needs no explaining. If my boy Mark Darcy isn’t the penultimate boyfriend, then I really don’t know who is.
Yes, I like you very much, Colin – just as you are.
Round 8: Chris O’Dowd
This one falls into my “up and comer” category. I first developed a crush on this Irish hottie when he portrayed Kristin Wiig’s love interest in Bridesmaids. This crush later blossomed into a full-on stalker flower while watching him HBO’s Family Tree. He’s cute, tall, funny, loveable- and I kinda wanna pinch his cheeks.
It’s not weird.
Round 9: Joel McHale
Joel for me falls into the “underrated” category. He cracks me up every day on The Soup and is hella handsome, but for some reason hasn’t reached leading man status just yet. Don’t worry Joel.. you’re a leading man in my heart.
Round 10: Thomas Mars
This might seem like a strange pick, given that he is not all that conventionally good-looking, but I’ve been seriously crushing on the Phoenix lead singer since I saw him crowd surf at Lollapalooza.
Plus, he’s married to Sofia Coppola which officially makes him 1/2 of the coolest couple of all time. Sigh.
P.S. Did I just use the expression “seriously crushing”?
Round 11: Jay Baruchel
I’ve loved the Canadian funny man since I used to watch him on “Popular Mechanics For Kids” alongside Elisha Cuthbert.
Since he only lives a few hours away in Montreal, I actually kind of like my chances on this one. It’s all about pipe dreams, kids.
Round 12: Prince Harry
I was about to cut it off at 11, but then I remembered that every fantasy boyfriend team needs a royal! Enter Prince Hot Ginge (or “PHG”). While the reality of ginger babies would be a risk I would have to take, I’m confident PHG’s playfullness, charm and winning smile would outweigh the potential downsides. Plus, I just love attention. Bring on the paparazzi!!