So good news everybody: I survived my whirlwind long weekend in Las Vegas!
The bad news? I am once again freezing my tuckus off in a subarctic Canadian climate. Also, the Easter bunny seems to have forgotten about me completely. I wonder if this has anything to do with the epic diss I gave him in my last post?
I still blame him for being so creepy.
So I must admit, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about Vegas at first. As my friend Jane so eloquently put it, “I didn’t think Vegas was leftist enough for you“.
I take her point,
But I still really enjoyed it. As Steve Wynn, owner of half the Las Vegas strip (and that creepy voice inside all the cabs) once famously said: “Las Vegas is sort of like how God would do it if he had money.”
I have a feeling God might have made a few changes- but if his son`s tweets are any indication, a Las Vegas run by the holy family would still be a pretty fun place to be:
Since I promised my fellow bachelorette-goers I wouldn’t get into too much of the nitty-gritty of our trip, I’m tailoring my Vegas recap to a few things I learned about the city in general. So here goes:
6 Things Everyone Should Know About Las Vegas
1. There’s Something For Everyone
Based on my limited knowledge of Vegas, I expected the crowd to be mainly party-goers, eloping couples and Kim Kardashian.
Au contraire bonjour! Apparently everyone goes to Vegas! Families, couples, grandparents, these guys:
At first I was confused by all the little kids running around,
It’s also way less glamorous than I expected. I thought people would be dressed to the nines everywhere I went- but let’s just say….. they weren’t. (Hey, I’m practicing cutting people some slack here!)
2. You Can Literally Do Whatever You Want. Except Bring Gum Inside Wet Republic.
My first thought about Las Vegas was that there were no rules whatsoever. Everywhere I looked people were walking around with alcoholic drinks, wearing bikinis, smoking INSIDE.
I even saw one guy drinking his walktail (<– see what I did there) out of a full-sized plastic guitar. It was awesome.
My perception shifted, however, after my first visit to MGM’s famously raucous party pool Wet Republic.
With security so thick it rivaled Bieber’s entourage, guards double-checked your ID and vigorously inspected the contents of your purse at the entrance- removing any prohibited or nefarious looking items. Advil? No bueno. Bottled water? Fuhhhgettabout it. I even had my pack of Dentyne Ice confiscated. I still don’t know why. Maybe they thought I was some sort of gum weilding assassin?? Or maybe they just didn’t want me to get it stuck in my own hair. That makes sense.
3. It’s In The Desert, Yo!!
I know what you`re thinking, and yes, I have seen a map before. But it was in that movie National Treasure and I couldn’t make it out very well.
Anyway, I kinda had an inkling that Vegas was in the middle of the desert, but I guess I didn’t fully appreciate this until my skin started shrivelling up like a California Raisin.
My hair quickly followed suit, leaving me resembling one of those sad “before” girls from hair commercials.
4. If You Move There, You Will Gain 300lbs.
Ummm.. HOLY PORTION SIZES BATMAN. The American “bigger is better” philosophy was really drilled home to me during my several trips to McDonalds and In-and-Out Burger. Did you know a standard McNugget meal in the U.S.is 10 McNuggets, while in Canada, it`s only 6??
And as if that weren’t enough, my hotel also had the world-famous Jean Phillippe Bakery right downstairs. Nutella brioche??almond croissants? CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN? Heart… Beating… Faster.
You guys, it was a bad scene for BreezyK. Think Homer Simpson in the land of chocolate,
But worse. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
5. There is always a “List”- And you need to be on it.
For girls, this basically means just leaving your hotel room. For guys, it means putting on your best Burberry knockoff and spending hours in line haggling with some glorified bouncer to let you and your buddies spend a grand on a bottle of Grey Goose. Which you will then ultimately give to a group of cute 20-somethings, who will drink every last drop before running off to find the next table of suckers. The b*tches probably won’t even say goodbye.
And they say life isn’t fair 😉
6. There`s a Good Chance It Was All Just A Mirage
I mean, it was in the middle of the desert. And the whole thing did sort of feel like a dream. The only evidence I have of even being there are a few instagram pics and a quick-fading tan. But that doesn’t prove anything. I could have just been abducted by aliens with a penchant for vitamin D and social media.
………If I ever made any sense, I have clearly ceased to do so.
Lets get to the winner of my East-Vegas giveaway! Congratulations (drumroll pleaaaaase):
E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your address!