Who Keeps Stealing All My Hairbrushes? And Why?

I lost another hairbrush today. That’s two so far this month. Three if you count back to December.


I keep forgetting them at the gym; leaving them behind after I’m done getting ready. By the time I go back, they have inevitably vanished- the lost and found box holding nothing but bitter disappointment.

This concerns me for a couple of reasons:

  1. Who is keeping these? And why would they want some random stranger’s hairbrush? Isn’t that kind of gross?

……Unless he or she is using it to make a hair doll in my likeness. In which case, this may be the last post I write to you.


But more importantly,

2. Because it exemplifies a broader pattern of behaviour.

While I would like to blame these missing items on some sort of mystical, nefarious hairbrush elf, I have to admit that my general lack of conscientiousness is probably part of the problem. A quick mental tally reveals that over the past few months, I have left all of the following items at the gym:

  • Two bottles of dry shampoo
  • One pair of iPod headphones
  • One MAC eyeliner pencil in “Ebony”
  • Two earrings (alas; each from a separate pair)
  • One bottle of Dermalogica face wash (I cried real human tears over this one. Sh*t is ex$pensive)
  • Three single socks
  • A banana I planned to eat later that afternoon
  • One glove.

I now moonwalk everywhere.


This list doesn’t even include the pair of perfectly broken-in Saucony’s I left at my local YMCA in 2003. I’m still pining over those bad boys.

Sadly, this is more than just a gym-related problem. I’d lose my head if it wasn’t permanently glued to a reality TV show. (Or however that expression goes.)

While jewellery, clothing and personal items all seem to vanish under my watch, I have a particular knack for losing really important documents. When I get an official looking letter in the mail, I immediately take this as a cue to haphazardly discard it onto my desk. It invariably gets buried under a stack of US Weeklys, or old concert tickets I planned to file in my Museum of Innocence (aka: my memory box), never to be seen again.


Doing my taxes then becomes a nightmare, as I have to call every single person who has ever given me a T4, Student Loan, or charitable tax receipt (ha. Just kidding, I don’t get any of those) and ask for a new one. Sometimes, I try and be all “well you never sent it to me in the first place” but they never buy it. They’ve seen my kind before. We’re flagged in the system.

I also have no idea where my birth certificate is. But I do carry my Passport around with me at all times. Even when I go to the bar. I’m basically an identity theft victim waiting to happen.

I guess I take after my mother, who is a bit of a Linda Loses-sh*t herself. She misplaces at least 5-6 Christmas presents every year, and the whereabouts of her reading glasses is a perpetually unsolved mystery. She will spend hours frantically looking for them, only to find them dangling inconspicuously from the chain hanging around her neck.

Come to think of it, that chain thing is sort of a good idea. Maybe that’s what I need: a series of tethers attaching all of my worldly possessions to various parts of my body.

Like this, only instead of the pole, it's my body. And instead of the ball, it's all my stuff. Napoleon Dynamite may or not be there.
Like this, only instead of the pole, it’s my body. And instead of the ball, it’s all my stuff. Napoleon Dynamite may or not be involved.

I might look a little weird, but at least I won’t lose any more sh*t.

And to the person who stole all my hairbrushes: I forgive you. I understand that the lure of an impeccably coiffed mane can be nearly impossible to resist. But should you ever change your mind and decide to return the treasures you have taken, know that I, and my limp, lifeless hair, will be eternally grateful.

Yours in styling,


Question of the Day: Are you a Linda or Larry Loses-Sh*t? Or are you more of an Organized Ophelia? A Conscientious Connie?


32 thoughts on “Who Keeps Stealing All My Hairbrushes? And Why?

Add yours

  1. Sometimes it’s hairbrushes, sometimes cooking utensils, etc.
    I’m pretty sure it’s beings from a parallel universe. Somehow, they’ve found a way to slip in and out of our universe and take things. Obviously they can save a lot of money that way, but I don’t think it’s very nice.


  2. I recently lost my wedding ring! I insisted I never took it off, but realized after my son’s 3rd b-day party that I probably did and some felonious toddler took off with one seriously pricey favor bag!


  3. Okay I admit it! I did not steal your hairbrush, because gross. I do however, lose things all the time. Luckily I don’t lose my keys, I just lock them in my car, while running. I’m pretty good at losing my Ipod on a regular basis and wallet only lost that twice, once when I was in college and it had my ID. So I couldn’t go anywhere on campus but class. (Who does that?). So I guess you could just say that I am a loser (of things).


    1. Did anyone ever return your wallet? I left my entire purse at a bar once in undergrad, it had my wallet ,cell phone, digital camera, everything in it, and no one returned it ever. I lost a little bit of faith in humanity that day.


      1. I actually found it on my last day there. It was hiding in the couch at my girlfriend’s apartment. The one that made me cry the bitterest of tears was when I was on my Senior Trip to Cincinnati. I had saved up all my money and probably had $160 to buy souvenirs and I lost it. No one every returned it. I’m still bitter about it to this day.


  4. Hahaha, it sounds like you need to bring less stuff to the gym so you have less things to lose! Also, maybe write a list of what you always bring with you to double check you have everything… although you may just lose the list in which case it won’t help you. I am highly organized but I lose things all the time and I have no idea why. I don’t think I’m quite as bad as you 😛 (no offence haha) but it’s still a pain to lose stuff you need.


    1. I’m too high maintenance to bring less stuff! Lol the list thing would work.. Or even just a quick mental Scan. I’m always in such a rush to get back to work I dash out and leave things behind. Good for you for being organized tho.. Teach me more of your ways lol


      1. Lol, I suggest the list, or like you said a quick mental scan of what you’ve brought. And try not to be in such a rush! Give yourself some extra time 🙂


  5. “I now moonwalk everywhere.” You should totally videotape that sh*t and post it. I promise a thumbs-up. Great post! Good luck with the hairbrush location project… Question though… Would you actually use it again if it was returned to you??


  6. That is a lot of stuff to lose. I would go absolutely bananas if I lost anything. Thank you for the entertainment. You remind me of my best friend who has to do the pat down dance, every time he is looking for his cell phone, car keys, thoughts, etc.


    1. Hahaha – Whenever I am on my way home I start looking for my keys a good 10 minutes before I arrive, because I know they are going to be buried at the bottom of my purse somewhere. I need one of those handy purse organizers you see on infomercials.. despite the fact that they are straight-up hideous


  7. I’m an organized Ophelia. But mostly because I never take anything full-sized on a trip, to the gym, a bar, etc…that way if I leave my small bottle of Frederic Fekkai shampoo behind, I only get misty-eyed. Not full on bawl mode.


    1. I love that you used my alliterative title, so thank you for that.
      The sample size idea is a good tip- I’ve cried enough shampoo and facewash related tears to last a lifetime


    1. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I also lose my dignity pretty much every time. (The treadmill and I have a difficult relationship)
      Sorry about your ipods… do you workout with no music now?


  8. In Ebony! Hahah. Damn girl I gotta start hanging out at your gym and steal all your free stuff. I hope it’s the same person that’s taking all of it too. She’s just waiting for the other two earrings to be left behind to complete her collection.

    I’m more organized, so when I do lose something, it’s extra horrible. Like panic attack central.


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