The holiday season is filled with a plethora of emotions: from the excitement and anticipation of Christmas Eve, to the rush of Christmas morning, to the inevitable food coma and the boxing day
hangover blues. (Stick close to your Russell Stovers for this one, folks.)
When all is said and done, you’re left with that long stretch of idle time between boxing day and New Year’s, where the days feel 80 hours long and it’s a struggle just to get out of your PJS, let alone think about anything besides those delicious scotch cookies your mom hid in the downstairs fridge (ostensibly, from you).
So what’s a girl to do with all of this free time on her hands? I tried filling the empty space where Christmas used to be with daytime TV; but I could only watch Kathy Lee and Hoda drink so many glasses of pinot grigio before I got
too jealous tired of it. Then I tried watching Holiday films, but they just made me angry. Like, what classifies The Sound of Music as a Christmas film anyway? Cause I’m pretty sure it’s about Nazis.
And why there is so much conflict in the Polar Express? I tried asking Tom Hanks this directly on twitter, but he never got back to me.
Thankfully, I’ve found a new way to occupy my time: by perusing my mother’s seemingly endless collection of women’s magazines.
Women’s World, Chatelaine, Best Health, O. Her collection is enough to make Martha Stewart weak at the knees.
I decided to begin with the December 24th edition of First for Women magazine, since it featured my #3 life model, Marie Osmond, on the cover.
I was immediately struck by how this publication seemed to really identify with, and understand the plight of today’s modern woman. It contained so many helpful time-saving tips! Not to mention all of the groundbreaking, empirically proven, scientific studies and weight loss plans.
And since many of you are modern, self-actualized women yourselves (or at least have one in your life) I knew I had to share to share them with all of you.
So let’s get started, shall we?
First off, if you’ve been searching for a way to remedy that dusty holiday wreath of yours, then look no further, Cause First for Women has got you covered!
A paper bag and a salt shaker! Who knew?
If you’re anything like me, then while doing your daily 8 hours of lady-cleaning this Holiday season, you’ve thought to yourself: “Gee, I wish I had a festive use for all these piles of extra yarn I’ve got lying around!”
Well sister, you’re in luck- because I’ve got not one- but THREE festive uses for that yarn for you!
A picture frame! How delightful.
And it doesn’t stop there. First for Women is FILLED with time-saving tips: from Stain-Proof recipe cards, to 10 brilliant uses for orange peels, to decorative napkin folds, to a selection of “OH WOW! Holiday appetizers”, these tips will save you so much time, you’ll finally be able to get back to all of your other important lady tasks: like pumping out babies, honoring your period, and talking about your vaginas. Just think of how much more time you’ll have for Pinterest!
Not only does First for Women contain countless household time-savers, it also features some fail-proof diet plans.
Looking to shed a quick 5-7lbs to squeeze into that holiday dress of yours? Try the “Grapefruit diet!” So simple it’s foolproof; this involves eating nothing but grapefruits for several days. But won’t I get hungry? You might be asking.
Not according to Dr. Al Sears! “A grapefruit fast is surprisingly easy to do,” he assures. “Since grapefruit contains a fulfilling combo of carbs and fibre, I’m totally satisfied on 3-4 hours a day!”
There you have it ladies. And if grapefruit’s not your bag, how about the “Christmas Cleanse”? This involves drinking nothing but a combination of unsweetened cranberry juice, water and cloves for 24 hours before the big event. You might pass out after your first cocktail, but the results will be worth it!
There’s also a Q&A section, targeting some of your hardest-hitting women’s health issues. Like “What’s Causing my Itchy nipple?” and “Do PH-balanced tampons really make a difference?”
There is even a fashion section, featuring countess Holiday glam looks that can be achieved with items right from your own closet!
Like this timeless fab look, for example. Just start with “your own monochromatic pantsuit” and add some chunky accessories!
The only problem will be narrowing down which of your monochromatic pantsuits to choose from! I’ve got 8 just in the purple family alone!
Off to get started!