Humour / Life / Uncategorized

This One is for the Boys With the Boomin System

So no one guessed what I was going to be for Halloween. Guess that’s cause no one cares I made the clues too hard.

If you couldn’t already tell from the title of this post, I was Nicki Minaj!

Or, as her friends (and crazy inner voice) sometimes call her.. Roman:

Let’s back up a bit first though, shall we?

Pulling off a Nicki Minaj costume as amazing and true-to-life as this one was no easy feat. First I had to find the perfect wig and accessories:

Then, I had to scour the mall along with all the other last-minute WhoreHall-o-weeners to find the outfit. The tank top and leggings are from American Apparel (which was basically extortion. $50 for leggings? I am wearing them every day to justify this) and the tutu I had from last year when I was a ballerina:

“Upcycling” at its finest.

Tutus are amazing, by the way, and should totally replace Spanx. They circumvent all that uncomfortable squeezing and smoothing by simply covering your entire midsection with layers of fluffy pink tule.

#tutudietplan.

Then I spent a good 2 hours putting makeup on:

Seriously. I had so much makeup on that it actually hurt my face. I don’t know how b*tch does it.

In the end I think I pulled off a respectable Nicki. Although I was no Sophia Grace…

I was all ready to go and then… disaster struck. I opened the fridge to get my bottle of wine for the party, and it tumbled off the condiment shelf, cascading towards the ground. I dove to save it like a wide receiver, screaming “Nooooooooooo” in a sort of slow motion, distorted groan… but it was too late. It hit the ground and smashed into a million pieces, the wasted sweet nectar spilling all over the floor. It felt like this scene in The Spy who Shagged me when Austin Powers drops his Mojo.

I realize that this analogy is actually sad on many levels.

Since lapping it up would have been too dangerous (even for me), I was left to pick up the pieces.. both literally and figuratively. I mourned all of the good times we could have had together while sweeping. That particular bottle was extra special to me because, while buying it, I had bonded with the checkout lady at the liquor store over my nails.

She complimented me on my great manicure, and I was like “oh, It’s not actually a manicure, it’s these new Sephora nail polish strips”. Then she was all “Cool! it’s perfect for Halloween, without being too over the top”. and I was like “that’s EXACTLY the look I was going for!”

………And then the guy in line behind me got pissed off. So we parted ways. But I’ll always have the memories.

I searched my fridge for something to take its place, and found half a bottle of vodka in my freezer. I worried that it might no longer be good, because, as Lucille Bluth taught us, if you don’t drink the whole bottle after you open it, it goes bad.

But I am happy to report that all worked out OK. Depending on your definition of “OK”..

My friends were dressed as “birds of a feather” and luckily tolerated having Nicki in their presence even though that makes no sense and would never happen IRL.

After a little pre-game, where I forced everyone to listen to “My jams” while I rapped (badly), we hit up a Halloween party at the Toronto hipster bar Parts and Labour.

I had a few reservations going in, given that the theme of the event was “A Smithfits Halloween”; a tribute to british indie-rockers The Smiths and horror-punk group The Misfits.

I wasn’t quite sure how Nicki and all of her VaVa Voom would fit in.. but agreed to go anyway.

Man, they took this theme seriously. Those who weren’t dressed as Danzig or Morrissey had cool, indie costumes… like John Travolta from Pulp Fiction or Scully from the X-Files.

Trying to fit in by instagramming everything in sight.

The downstairs bar, which is usually a sweaty hip-hop dance party, had been transformed into an emo post-punk shoegazing fest, full of kids with painted skull faces swaying to “There is a Light That Never Goes Out.”

And I’m just there in my tutu, like “Can we get some SuperBass up in here?”

Morrissey would not have been impressed.

Anyway we bailed pretty soon to get poutine. Then stood on Queen Street West trying to hail a cab for almost an HOUR. Torontonians are mad serious about Halloween. Mad.

Then, when I got home I watched last week’s episode of Parks and Recreation which made me CRY LIKE A BABY.

And as I sat there, eating my saline-tinged french fries, openly weeping over Lesley Knope and Ben Wyatt’s engagement… I thought maybe, just maybe, this is a new low for me.

Then I remembered the smashed wine bottle.

Sigh. What could have been

Question of the Day: Did you celebrate Halloween this weekend? How? If not, what are your plans for Wednesday?

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29 thoughts on “This One is for the Boys With the Boomin System

  1. Hey, you looked awesome!! πŸ™‚
    No, did not celebrate Halloween. Might hand out some candies on Wed to the kiddies if they actually come out in the rain πŸ™‚

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  2. I never quite made it to the party I was going to.
    …spent a few hours at the emergency room getting x-rayed for a broken foot, which turned out to be a bad sprain.

    Note to self: before standing and racing to another room, make sure both your legs are awake!

    Time to take some more Advil and ice the ankle again…

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  3. Thanks for sharing. I think I’m keeping my weekend a secret, but there was wig wearing involved… and no wine wasting… geesh! Just kidding, hope your friends had just as much fun as you did.

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  4. “And as I sat there, eating my saline-tinged french fries, openly weeping over Lesley Knope and Ben Wyatt’s engagement… I thought maybe, just maybe, this is a new low for me.”
    Replace the poutine fries with greasy chinese take out and Parks & Rec with Alicia Florrick and Will Gardener’s painfully tragic love affair (The Good Wife) and you have my regular Saturday night. I think we should both start perfecting Lucille Bluth’s drunken wink. At this rate, it may be the only thing we have going for us when we hit our 70’s.

    Did I mention how much I loved your costume? And your nails?

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  5. My plan: Dress up! Wait until Hubby and Little Guy go to Little Guy’s party at the church, turn off all the lights, and eat all the candy! I only bought the good stuff…I’ve already stashed an entire box, just in case any kids do make it to the door before I’ve turned off the light and hid in the basement with my Xbox and guinea pigs! The stashed box may not last until Wednesday…no promises!

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    • Well done! That sounds like a plan if I’ve ever heard one. What kind of candy constitutes “the good stuff” for you? A friend and I were brainstorming on what our ultimate Halloween chocolate bar mix would be. I said Reese peanut butter cups, snickers, cookies and cream and twix. But I don’t really discriminate

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  6. Ahh ahh this is just too fantastic! I have three tutus (one was my Nana’s, two I made myself) and so I could totes steal your idea… I’m going to be Wednesday Addams this Halloween, though. Feel like embracing my dark side.

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  7. Good costume choice. Tutus should be an acceptable clothing option for the workplace, it would make my desk job more bearable. I celebrated Halloween this weekend by going on a whiskey/wine tour and hitting up a haunted house. I also hung out with a couple from Toronto who were pretty cool.

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