A Hairy Situation

Here’s the thing about my hair: I have about 4 ounces of it.

Literally. I’ve seen newborn babies with more hair than I have.

Stop showing off, baby.

Unlike the biblical passage suggests, my hair is by no means my “crowning glory”. Fine, limp, and impervious to growth, it’s really more of my cross to bear in this life. In fact, I’d probably rank it #3 on my running list of nemeses (nemesi?), right after stairs and the subway turnstile.

When I was a child I had no hair at all until I was 3 years old. Seriously. I’d show you a pic, but no one wants to see that sh*t. Trust me when I say it was freaky. A walking, talking, bald-headed human-child, I was sort of like Stewie from family guy. Only without the british accent. Or the evil genius.

Eventually, after being the recipient of enough horrified glances and people running away screaming, my mom got wise to the situation and sprinkled some chia seeds on that noise, allowing me to sprout out a few, feeble spaghetti-like strands and to make it through the rest of my childhood without being mistaken for an alopecia patient.

Exhibit A: Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia

But it was never ideal. Paper thin and mousey brown, I remember envying all the girls in school with long, thick beautiful hair and wishing I had been similarly blessed.

Eventually, after almost 20 years of trying, my hair finally grew long when I was in university. Must’ve been all that non-exercise and balanced diet of wine coolers and frosted mini wheats.

For a few years, I was in the hair sweet-spot:

Exhibit B: Long, flowing locks. I also apparently grew a third hand.

But for some ridiculous reason, in third year I decided to cut it all off.

Like choosing milk on a hot day, I immediately regretted my decision, and left the salon in a puddle of tears and anxiety.

Exhibit C: What was I thinking

For the next 2.5 years, I tried desperately to grow it back, while at the same time dealing with the awkward aftermath of a short haircut (All those in-between stages? yikes.) But it’s still nowhere near the length it once was.

Fearing that I was destined to spend the rest of my life looking like that sad, “before” girl in the Pantene Pro-V commercials, I decided to get to the root of the matter (pun intended) and explore some new methods of getting my hair to grow:

#1. The Shank Braid.

At my last hair appointment, I told my hairdresser about my plight and she suggested that I try braiding my hair while running, rather than tying it back in a ponytail, as it is much easier on your hair.

Sounded like a good idea. But here’s the problem: Given that I can’t even look at a treadmill without sweating like a wh*re in church, halfway through my run my braid got so heavy and water-logged that it became somewhat of a weapon, swinging back and forth on my head and hitting my fellow gym goers with a powerful sweat-blast every stride I took.

Exhibit D: The Shank Braid. You’re welcome for this beautiful pic of me in my sweaty gym clothes, by the way.

Back to the drawing board.

#2. The Friend-Repeller.

A little internet research told me that for fuller, healthier hair, you should cut down on the number of times per week you wash it. This appealed greatly to my lazy side (aka: my only side), so I immediately rushed out to Sephora and picked up some dry shampoo.

Now, although this method works quite well at making your hair fuller and more voluminous:

Exhibit E: Day four, unwashed. So dirty, yet oh-so bouncy.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t help the fact that you’re a dirty mofo the entire time.. and even Oscar Blandi can’t get the stench of four days worth of smog, oil, and run-sweats out of your hair.

What else we got?

#3. Diet.

It’s no secret that diet can affect hair growth, and the fact that I’m a seafood-vegetarian with chronically low iron could be impacting my hair in a negative way. Google tells me that salmon, beans, and leafy greens can help this, so I’ve been eating nothing but Salmon/Kale/Lentil smoothies for every meal. The verdict? I hate my life. But I swear I can already feel the hair growing.

#4. Weird Foreign Remedies.

Yesterday over brunch, I was describing my hair-woes to my girl Karen, and she suggested I try the traditional Indian remedy of coating your hair in extra virgin coconut oil. She’s even going to bring me some to our next date brunch meeting.

She tells me it feels gross, smells awful, and that I won’t want to be around anyone for at least a few days afterwards. I can’t wait!

Question of the Day: Do you have hair troubles?

.. or are you all like that smug baby in the first picture. Just don’t even bother answering if so.

PS: Thanks to all of my new followers and for those of you who read, commented and liked my TIFF post that was Freshly Pressed last week! You guys are seriously jokes. (<;– I don’t know what this means but I heard someone say it the other day and liked the way it sounded. I think it’s a good thing.)


20 thoughts on “A Hairy Situation

Add yours

  1. one thing that I may suggest would be a pro for not having a lot of hair?

    It doesn’t end up everywhere. It’s not clogging your shower drain, looking disgusting in your trash can, ending up all over your jackets, in your purses, in your food (which is incredibly embarrassing) all over your car, and anywhere else you happen to grace with your presence.

    I would hope since you don’t have a lot in the first place, it’d shed a lot less, and that is one annoyance I would love to be rid of with mine.


    1. I wish that were true! I shed like a beast too unfortunately.. It’s the worst. I always feel embarrassed when I’m a guest at someone’s house because I inevitably leave a trail.. Lol


  2. Yeah, I have TOO MUCH facking hair. Always did. Far too thick. Far too long. When I went to have my hair done (poor me – it was like every 2 weeks b/c my mother had the genius idea of having it relaxed/chemically straightened), I spent at LEAST 3 hours under the dryer with a roller set. That is STUPID, ok? I had enough, and in ’05, I cut ALL that shit off. All of it. I let it grow back like 3 times since then, but I’m back to being a baldy. SO much better. I don’t understand why anyone would want long hair in this ridiculous heat (Bahamas). But for you, I totally get it. I don’t think you really ant it thicker though. You have enough fullness. You can always fake it if you want more by roller setting (hot rollers) and ish like that. I think your hair is awesome.


  3. Although I’ve never had thin hair, my current hair trouble revolves around the fact that three weeks ago my stylist (who took my 2 years to find!!) went to the ER and hasn’t been back since. I have no idea when she’ll be back, gulp, if at all. I know this is super shallow… but my hair is atrocious right now!
    P.S That rainbow jacket you have rocks hard.


    1. Haha I know right? I ruled the first grade with that technicolour dream coat of amazingness. And I totally understand your plight.. Losing a stylist is like going through a breakup. You have my condolences!


  4. My most consistent hair problem is getting it to behave and grow where I want it to instead of less savory locales. On the bright side, my shampoo bill last year was non-existent.

    For the record, I can’t imagine anyone looking at any of your photos and having a derogatory thing to say about your tresses, but then, I’m a blog fan, so what would I know?


  5. You’re hilarious and, for the record, I think you have a fine head of hair. I was also bald until an embarrassing advanced age and now I have a frizzy mop to make up for all that lost time. Btw LOVING the Anchorman reference – “milk was a BAD choice”. I wish you continued good fortune on all your hair-related endeavours.


  6. Most relatable! I too have fine, limp hair that gets so flat after one day, I feel like I have to wash it everyday, which is, as everyone says BAD BAD BAD. I’m trapped in this cycle. Le sigh… My hair is the bane of my existance! Love this post. Today I has thisclose to chopping it! Do you know of a good hairdresser in Toronto that works well with fine hair?? I’m single and looking πŸ˜‰


  7. I have the same batshit crazy problem you do. I have really thin hair and sometime’s its not even a matter of trying to grow it out. It’s just too thin and I never have any volume. Try that coconut thing, you might have to do it for a month before you see any clear results, but I know friends who do it and they swear by it. Just massage it into your scalp like a deep conditioner, leave it in for 20-30minutes and wash it out. An Asian remedy also suggests pre-washing your hair with salt water every other wash. I’m doing this right now and I see significantly less hair around the apartment. Woe is me.

    I hate skipping a shampoo because my hair gets so nasty. How can anyone stand having all that oil around their face? Dirty, dirty! Even if it promotes less hair loss your face will start breaking out. Yuck.


  8. I’m hair is thinning up top and in the front. It may have always been this way, I just get haircuts less so I notice. I used to have a cow lick above my right eye. I think my hair has pushed itself back far enough where I won’t have to worry about that anymore.

    It’s funny how vain we get about such strange things other people would never notice or care about. Nobody’s ever insulted my hair. Maybe it’s because they start at my toes with their insults and I run away crying by the time they get to my knees.


  9. This made me laugh. My hair is exactly the same. It’s super thin and sheds all over the damn place. Whenever I sweep the floor, it looks like the remnants of a dead animal. I worry that people think I’m actually losing my hair because it’s so thin. Seriously, Barbie has thicker hair than I do.
    Volumizing products are a joke… And those “thicker, fuller, hair” products did nothing except make my hair even flatter. Bastards.


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