I noticed today that Canada has won a measly 5 medals so far this Summer Olympics.
5 medals. For a whole country! That’s like, not even one medal per Brangelina kid. Michael Phelps HIMSELF won almost twice that many in 2008.
If you ask me, this lackluster performance can be attributed to two main factors:
1) I’m not on the team; and
2) They’ve chosen all the wrong sports to be part of the Olympics.
….. the hell, IOC?
No wonder we Canucks aren’t busting out any medals in synchronized swimming or the Pommel Horse. We’re all too busy trying to keep our igloos warm and catch falling groceries out of Charter planes to engage in that foolishness.
In all seriousness, I think the problem with Olympic sports is overall more an issue of inaccessibility. How is the average Canadian supposed to afford all those fancy equestrian Jodhpur, or 18 years of gymnastics lessons with the Bella Karoli? Don’t those b*tches know it’s a recession?? And who has 8 hours a day to devote to weight lifting or swimming laps in an indoor pool? Not me, my friends. That would totally cut into my reality tv time.
If I had my way, in addition to swimming, tennis and gymnastics, the Summer Olympics would also include some activities that cater not only to elite athletes, but to the average Canadian as well. And since I’ve had some experience at being both average and Canadian… I figured I’d help the IOC out by giving them a few suggestions:
1) Beer Drinking
If there’s one thing we Canadians are good at, its drinking beer. And although we may face some stiff competition from our American cohorts, I’m confident that Canada still maintains the upper hand for a few reasons:
- Our beer has a stronger alcohol content on average = increased resiliency of our athletes.
- Longer winters = increased level of training.
- umm… Have you seen the movie FUBAR?
- Or this guy?
I rest my case.
While again, some might argue that this activity is not specifically Canadian, let me just ask you all you non-Canadians out there a couple questions: Ever fired up the grill when its 50 below zero outside? Cooked a moose steak the size of your own head? Didn’t think so.
3) Being Affable
Everyone loves a Canadian- what with our friendly, welcoming nature and our adorable little accents. Who else says crazy shit like “eh” and “aboot”? #goldmedalshooin.
4) Going For Long Drives.
Canada is the second largest land mass in the world. Translation? Everything is really f*&cking far away. While in Europe you might drive for two hours and be in another country, in Canada, you might drive for 2 hours just to reach your closest neighbour. Or the liquor store. Undaunted by what some might perceive to be a challenge, we Canadians have embraced the fact that, as Tom Chochrane so aptly said, life for us, is a highway. Give us a few double doubles, a good friend, and some Tragically Hip CDS and we’ll drive that sh*t all night long.
……….gimme gimme gimme yeah…
If fence sitting were an olympic sport, Canadians would be the world champions. While some countries like to invade others and spend billions of dollars on defence, we aren’t really big on the whole “confrontation” thing. Sure, we’ll keep the peace and get involved if we have to, but for the most part, us Canadians like to stay home, watch old reruns of SCTV and generally just give zero f*&ks about everything else.
And if that’s wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.
6) Canoe Sex
I don’t even think I need to comment on the extremely high degree of difficulty and technical skill required here.
We Canadians have got the art of lounging dockside with a magazine and an ice cold drink down to a science. Sure, it might get a little boring for the at-home audience, but combine it with one or more of #1, 2, 5 and 6 and its bound to make for some serious must-see tv.
8) Road Hockey
Like maple syrup and original CBC programming, road hockey is yet another integral part of any Canadian upbringing. Best experienced in cul-de-sacs, this quintessential Canadian activity, which requires one or more players to carry the net offsite and re-set every time someone yells “CAR!”, combines the elements of speed, endurance, perseverance and most of all camaraderie.
9) Poutine Eating
There are few things Canadians take more pride in than this home-grown concoction of french fries, cheese curds and gravy. And what better way to show this pride than by eating copious amounts of it? (Best results achieved when combined with #1.)
10) Sewing Flags on Backpacks
Almost as famous as our poutine is our Canadian tradition of sewing miniature flags onto our backpacks and travelling around the world with them. Combined with both #4 (our affable nature) and #1 (our experienced beer drinking), we have made a reputation for ourselves worldwide as being both impeccable houseguests, and just generally super awesome.
It’s true. Ask anyone.
So there you have it folks! If that list doesn’t get more Canadians atop the podium in 2016, then I don’t know what I’ll do.
……..Drink more beer probably.