Humour / Life

Alert the Authorities…

So, it’s Mother’s Day.. and because I’m highly original, I’ve decided to write a blog post about (wait for it….) my mom!

Mostly because I know how much she loves it when I make fun of her on the internet. Seriously. It’s right up there with cleaning, shredding things, warming up a cup of coffee in the microwave and forgetting about it, and photocopying our passports on her Top 5 favourite things of all time list.

Now, if you’ve read my previous posts, you might be under the impression that my mother is some sort of religious zealot with an obsessive cleaning problem. But there’s much more to her than that. She also loves salad and the Today Show. Kidding.  She’s loving, and nurturing and all that good stuff.. but I think one of my favourite qualities about my mom is her assertiveness.

Maybe it’s because I’m pretty meek myself, but I’ve always looked up to her ability to stand up for herself and the people she loves. One particular vignette comes to mind that my sisters and I like to refer to as “Oniongate“:

Subway: yet another thing my mother and Michael Phelps have in common.

Not unlike myself, my mom has an affinity for Subway sandwiches. One day, the hankering struck, and she headed to her nearest sandwich shop.  As was her custom, she politely asked for extra onions, a request which was always granted in the past, but this time was met with resistance from the Sandwich artist. My mother said nothing; and stoically continued the process of selecting her remaining ingredients, even going so far as to ask for the sub toasted, and the bread to be “cut the old way”. The sandwich artist finished making the sub, wrapped it up, and rang it in. “That will be $5.75”, she said.

“Thank you,” My mother replied, calmly,  “but I will not be purchasing this sandwich today. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before denying your customers extra toppings”.

And then, like the badass she is, she turned promptly on one heel and sashayed her righteous ass on outta there.

Dayyyummmm. Let that be a lesson to you all- never, ever, mess with my momma’s onions. (not unless you wanna get told like that b*tch, anyway).

Where direct confrontation is not possible, or the opportunity has passed, my mother is a firm believer in “reporting” people for their offensive behavior. No matter what the problem- from getting jerked around by government officials, to being given regular coke instead of diet at the drive-thru,- her response is always the same:

“You should report them”

There are two immediate problems with this statement. 1) How?? and 2) To whom?? I mean, “reporting” someone isn’t as easy as crossing your arms and winking, genie styles…. and  is there really always someone to “report” the offending behavior to?

Well if you think that my mother hasn’t thought of all of these possibilities, then you’d be wrong.

My sister and I once called her bluff on this… and discovered that for every possible wrong that has/ could ever be done to us, she had already considered and determined the proper authority.

Depending on your particular situation, potential avenues of recourse might include:

  • the better business bureau
  • That “On your side” lady from the news
  • your local Member of Parliament and/or City Councillor
  • his/her parents
  • “the manager”
  • “head office”
  • word of mouth/public announcement

I’m convinced the woman lies awake at night thinking about potential injustices and how to solve them. That, and how much dust has accumulated in the living room since she last vacuumed it (which was 20 minutes ago).

Despite this just being hilarious, it has also taught me that you should never take being treated poorly lying down.. and that people should always be accountable for their behaviour. She has also taught me to always demand a certain level of respect and quality from other people..and more importantly, from myself.

I can only hope to someday be half the amazing woman and mother that she is.

The whole, crazy duggar brood. I heard the chick on the right is the coolest.

I could go on and on about the many ways my mom is incredible, and the positive influence she’s had on me and her other four children (but mostly me),  but I think she’s probably had enough of my embarrassing stories and having to close her eyes every time she sees a curse word for one day, so I’ll just leave you with this:

“All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.” 

―   Oscar Wilde

Now go hug your mothers!

Question of the Day: What are you Doing for Mother’s Day?

P.S. I’d be remiss not to also wish a Happy Mother’s day to my big sister (and frequent Camel Life commenter) Sherene, mom to my amazing niece, Lola. love you both! xo

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11 thoughts on “Alert the Authorities…

  1. Your mom is badass!! I wish i had the guts to do something like that. For mothers day I baked a ridiculously rich chocolate cake and smothered it in chocolate icing and then put some grated chocolate over that baby. Cuz it just didn’t seem like enough chocolate. I also cleaned the house from head to toe for the madre. Your mom would have been proud I think haha

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    • ummm that sounds DELICIOUS. And you’re absolutely right- she would have been proud! I hope she doesn’t read this or she’ll be on my ass to do the same 😉

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  2. I LOVE badass mom stories, especially ones that involve taking Sandwich Artists down a peg or two. Take THAT! My mom is also assertive (she calls herself “pleasantly frank”, but sometimes it’s more like “Whoopsies! That was supposed to be my *inside* voice”). I wish I had a little more of her badassedness and less of my father’s super meek/timid/oh, shucks! tendencies, but whatev. At least I’m (sort of) badass on the internet… 😉

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  3. Wow I’m wondering if the Subway your mom had trouble at was the same one I did. I’ve only ever walked out of one place ever because they didn’t meet my demands and it was a Toronto Subway. I asked the price of the sandwich about 4 times and the guy kept ignoring me. Then he put cheese on my sandwich which I did not want (it was summer, gal’s gotta watch her figure). That was it. My excuse for not paying $8 for a sandwich I was used to paying $5 for.

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