5 Foolproof Ways to Succeed In Business

I have a friend who likes to say that “we are all frauds”.  Not quite as catchy as  “I have a dream“, or “only you can prevent forest fires“, maybe.. but true just the same.

At least it is for me, anyway.

You see,  not too long ago, I found the idea of wearing a suit and talking about serious things all day to be downright depressing. I was a smart-assed youngest child who was prone to saying awkward and inappropriate things all the time- who was ever going to take me seriously?  Plus, why would I want to sit around talking about mergers all day when I could be watching cat videos instead?

Good question.  I still haven’t figured that one out yet.. but what I have figured out, is that sometimes it’s not actually about being something-  it’s about playing the part. Simply put: you gotta fake it till you make it.

I’ve spent about two years now drinking the corporate kool-aid, and in that time, I’ve learned that it’s easy to  trick people into taking you seriously.. you just have to follow these 5 simple steps:

1. Wear a blazer. It doesn’t matter what you have on underneath, or even what you’re doing while in it- it’s a scientific fact that anyone wearing a blazer is immediately perceived as being serious and responsible. Don’t believe me? Check out these examples:

Business People:

And you thought it was about the hair.

Comedians:

Will, Rocking a look that says "I wanna be formal, but I'm also here to party"

Babies:

I don't know about you, but I'd hire this baby

Lindsay Lohan:

...oh, well now that you've shown up in a BLAZER.... I guess I'll just give you house arrest.

Animals:

Bonus points for rocking a corncob pipe
Or an eye patch

2. Speak in Nothing but corporate buzzwords.

E.g. “Let’s circle-up later”…. “Why don’t you run that issue up the flagpole?” “I’ve got a few things coming down the pipeline“.

Barraging others with endless figurative phrases will not only make you sound clever, it will also just confuse people so much that they’ll think you’re so important, you’ve invented your own language.

3. Talk about stocks and/or the stock market:  Here’s the beauty of this one: you don’t actually have to know things. You just have to repeat them.  Simply peruse  Bloomberg, MorningStar, or the WallStreet journal online for a few minutes,  and then drop things you’ve read into conversations at random intervals. Start throwing terms like “basis points”, “Yield” and “NAV” around, and I guarantee everyone around you will be like:
Photobucket

Source: whatshouldwecallme

You can also keep it simple by just talking about the stock markets in general. Luckily, since the markets are always changing, this can be achieved through the use of various ambiguous terms and phrases. For example:  “Man, the markets are funny today!”… or: “Isn’t that TSX something!” Once you’ve mastered this,  its best to talk about the markets at all times, even when it’s completely irrelevant. Ex:

Coworker: “hey BreezyK, how’s it going?”

Breezyk:  “How’s it going? How’s it going is that the markets are SHIT today. That’s how its going”.

#winning.

Sometimes I even just walk down the halls yelling “buy sell!! buy sell!” at random intervals. aaand thats why everyone I work with hates me.

4. Keep a messy office.  Nothing says “I’m busy and important” like a desk littered with Venti Starbucks cups, piles of paper and empty take-out containers. Come to think of it, though, it probably also says “hey, I hate the environment!” .. so  if you work for Al Gore and/or David Suzuki.. maybe sit this one out.

5. Obsessively check your blackberry at all times.. especially during meetings. Everyone else might be able to put their phones away and pay attention for an hour-long meeting, but not you. You, my friend, are special. Not only special- but important.  Too important to let even one minute go by without investigating the source of that blinking red light. And that’s ok – last time I checked, being considerate didn’t pay the bills. Or at least it didn’t get you one of those $5 million Goldman Sachs bonuses, anyway. BONUS: setting your phone to “vibrate” rather than “silent”, or rushing out in the middle of a meeting declaring “… Sorry, I just gotta take this”.

In my head, I look like Gisele when I do this.

So there you have it, folks! Follow these tips and I guarantee you’ll be making partner before your ass can say “class-action.” And if not… well then, all the more time for cat videos.

Question of the Day: What are your tips for succeeding in business?

PS If you liked this post (or if you like cat videos) don’t forget to “Like” The Camel Life on Facebook!

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21 thoughts on “5 Foolproof Ways to Succeed In Business

Add yours

  1. These are a hoot!

    How about “that’s not in my wheelhouse” (see no. 2)…what are you, a ship’s captain?
    For jargon, try BRIC. If that’s too easy, use CIVET…You will be super smart and intimidating to those who have no idea what they are and in with those who get it.

    I do like the baby in the blazer!

    Like

    1. haha “wheelhouse” is a great one too! Whenever I hear people say it, it makes me think of “Road House”, the Patrick Swayze movie… then I just always wonder if the person saying it is actually a professional “cooler” named Willie Dalton with a mysterious past who breaks up fights at roadside bars in Missouri in his spare time…. probably.

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  2. Yelling at interns! It ALWAYS makes me feel like an important and effective leader.
    I also removed the copy machine troubleshooting guide so that I am the only one on our floor who knows how to fix it – I am indispensable and marvelous…oh, and I sometimes wear glasses to meetings to look/feel more intelligent 🙂 Fabulous post – happy Friday! …L

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  3. What about striding purposefully down hallways clutching a cellphone and speaking authoritatively in manner of Mark Darcy?

    I don’t know if he’s really all that important, or if he just strikes an important pose, because honestly, I don’t think anyone else can rock a reindeer jumper and still look snooty and self-important.

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    1. If you’re wearing a reindeer jumper, you’re important. It’s as scientific and documented a fact as babies wearing blazers.
      On that note, I will add clutching a cell phone and speaking authoritatively to my list 🙂

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  4. You forgot about touching base and thinking outside the box…

    “Sometimes I even just walk down the halls yelling “buy sell!! buy sell!” at random intervals. aaand thats why everyone I work with hates me.”

    Hilarious. I barked out a loud laugh at that one.

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    1. haha riiight… I think at one point I “flagged” those ones but decided to “park them for later”… maybe I was too busy “putting out fires” or “running issues to ground” … I’ll be sure to “keep you in the loop” next time on these things…

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  5. Always do the tasks that require an excel file. Nobody knows how long that will take and it’s the perfect cover for masking Internet Explorer windows behind it. I also find being very cold with people helps. That way they don’t bother you. Or do what I did and work really hard your first 3 years at the job then slack off the next 4. Also always say “I don’t know if I can get all of this done today” even when you know you can. That way when you get it done you look like employee of the day. Screw doing it all month. I live in the here and now.

    Is that a leopard or a tiger with the eye patch? Either way that gave me a hoot.

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    1. hahaha these are hilarious tips- and I will admit I have done most of these in various jobs. The excel one is so true… people just don’t fuck with you when you’re working on an excel spreadsheet… it’s like they think you’re trying to turn water into wine or something and you must not be bothered.

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  6. Hilarious!

    Every field has its own jargon. I should start muttering teacher jargon to myself. “Very busy. Have to write new objectives and align with state and national standards. Have to stretch students’ ZPD’s and create cognitive dissonance. . .”

    Like

    1. Do it- it impressed me anyway. I have no idea what that “ZPD” acronym could even possibly stand for.. mostly because I only know like two words that start with “Z”… and one of them is zebra.

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  7. I always like it when people come up to have you sign a document while you’re walking briskly down an office corridor. Best performed whilst wearing a blazer. Pay someone 5 dollars to come up and do this to you once an hour.

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    1. amazing.. obviously it has to be some measley intern type you make do this.. and then after you hastily sign the document, shove them out of them out of the way with so much force that they go flying into a nearby cubicle… then give your nails a quick check and continue your powerstrut down the hall.

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  8. I can tell you that coming in early has never worked for me…..so I gave it up!

    But if you want to talk some finance, how about some Options! No one will keep up with what you are talking about there. Like ‘buying some puts on Apple when it hits $700.00’ or soemthing like that. They’ll just say “uh-huh” as no one will know what that meant; selling things you don’t own or buying soemthing that doesn’t exist…except in the future.

    Fun post Breezy….I’m taking notes…..I need the help!

    Like

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