I’m not really what you would call a huge sports fan. Though I played soccer and basketball in high school, in recent years, my interests have diverged more towards other, less physically demanding hobbies- like watching animal-themed YouTube videos… and writing about my feelings.
My older sister Marija, on the other hand- is a sports fanatic. Whenever she comes to visit me in Toronto, she always insists on going to a sports game (that, and a musical. She’s an enigma, I guess). Even though it’s not really my thing, I always oblige, because, well, I’m the best sister ever basically. So this past weekend, when she was in town, I took her to see a Toronto Raptors game.
The Raptors were playing the Charlotte Bobcats, who suck almost as much as they do…. and that combined with the fact that I know basically nothing about basketball anymore (that doesn’t start with “Jeremy” and end with “Lin“), well, you can imagine what a riveting experience this was for me.
So, instead of paying attention to the actual game, I occupied myself by thinking about past sporting events I’ve attended. Besides the Raptors, I’ve been to a Maple Leafs Game, a Blue Jays game, and travelled to Buffalo to see the Bills play. Through all of this, I’ve developed a number of insightful and ground-breaking observations about major league sporting events, which I’m going to share with you all today. (You’re welcome.)
- Athletes on TV are WAY HUGER than they appear.Seriously. These guys are freaking ginormous.. to the point where I don’t even think they’re real humans. They’re like 150% better versions of humans. “Humans 2.0” you might say. Watch for it in 2013.
- People will do anything for free shit. There’s just something about free shit that reduces us all to our lowest common denominator. Age, gender, occupation, how much money you make- none of it matters. Dangle something free in front of us, and we all dance like the monkeys we are. It doesn’t even have to be anything good. People go ape-shit for an ugly ass t-shirt or a free slice of Pizza Pizza the same way they will for a laptop.
- Beer makes everything way more fun. There is an undeniable correlation between the number of beers consumed, and the amount of fun had as a sporting event… as seen here on this highly detailed and legitimate graph:
- Open Air stadiums can get really effing cold.
……… and, on a related note:
- A Garbage bag, no matter how durable, will never adequately protect you from the elements. Take my advice –> invest in some northface.
- You will find the most interesting people you’ll ever meet at a tailgate. Don’t let those pajama pants/dated leather bomber jacket fool you- these people are true salt of the earth. Not only are they fun to hang out with; they can also teach you a lot of cool things…like how to wear your moustache in interesting ways… or how to build a fire in an old-trash can.
- It’s all about the pageantry. For a non-sports fan like myself, it doesn’t really matter if you’re talking penalties or three pointers- my disinterest remains pretty much at a constant. What does make a difference, however, is the pageantry. Just give me some dancing kids, some jokers dressed up in animal costumes and a rigged shooting contest, and I’m eternally yours.
- Wach yo mouth. Dude. Sports fans are agressive. I’ve literally seen fights break out at every game I’ve been to- typically instigated by some clown in a visiting team’s jersey talking smack about the homegrown heroe’s RBI (<— don’t actually know what that acronym means). These situations are known to escalate quickly, and can lead to prolonged chirping, insults about one’s mother, and spilled beverages. Best to just mind yo’ business.
- If you buy the t-shirt, prepare to back that sh*t up. Girls are particularly bad for this- buying a tshirt in an effort to look “cute” and “sporty”, with no actual knowledge of the person whose name is emblazoned on the back. To give you a real life example, I bought a “Rios” t-shirt at a Jays game a while back, and wore it around for a good year afterwards, oblivious to the fact that his ass was traded shortly after the game. When someone chirped me that I needed to get a new t-shirt, I responded, in a shocked tone: “why?? is there a hole in it ??”
Appearances on the jumbotron are best reserved for cute kids and ridiculous dancing…NOT marriage proposals. And if you don’t believe me, check out this vid: