Do you ever feel completely overwhelmed by the weight of your own stuff?
I feel like this sometimes. Most notably, on my way to work in the mornings.
I’m not sure if it’s out of legitimate need- or because in a past life I was some sort of hoarder or nomad, but I find I prepare for my days at work as if I am going on a cross-country hiking expedition. Quite simply- I bring way too much STUFF.
Let’s break it down, shall we?
1. The Purse.
Like most women, I carry around a rather large and obtrusive purse. This thing (which approximates both the size and weight a 7 year old child) houses all of my little daily “necessities”: wallet,two blackberrys (you know, in case I want to call myself), “travel-size” make-up kit, several tubes of blistex, unmentionable lady items, hand cream, gum/mints, my notebook (for writing down brilliant thoughts like these ones), two iPods (ummm what if one dies??), approximately 600 pieces of loose change, and finally- a large stack of receipts that I’m still counting on needing some day.
2. The Gym Bag
Y’all know working out is pretty much my #1 nemesis in life… but I just can’t seem to quit that shit…and so every day I load my (also extremely large) gym bag with my sneakers, workout clothes, more unmentionable lady items (I’m just gonna keep saying it, so you’re just gonna have to deal with it), and- since I’ve taken to working out at lunch time lately, a whole host of miniature shower products. Sometimes, when I’m using them, I pretend that I’m in a diorama of my own life…. except everything else, including me, is still regular size…..it’s not a very good one.
If I’m feeling incredibly ambitious (which is never), I pack a lunch…but I almost always bring several pieces of fruit, various spillable snacks wrapped haphazardly in saran wrap.. and a bottle of water…. whose cap I proceed to tighten about 100 times in an OCD-like fashion to ensure it is not spilling on any of my electronics. It’s this whole thing.
Because I am never 100% pleased with anything, I often find myself packing some type of “contingency” outfit each morning. A cardigan (in case mid-day my blazer feels too “corporate”), an extra pair of tights, an alternate necklace and/or earring choice… flats…let’s just say, should I be forced to spend several nights in a row at the office (which in my line of work, is not uncalled for), I would do it without ever having to repeat an outfit.
Together, this equals about 18 bags and 75lbs of excess luggage to carry each morning. I’m pretty sure that if it weren’t for my designer coat I can’t afford (thanks Family!), everyone I encounter on the way to work would think I was homeless. But it doesn’t end there. Oh no- there are still a number of other hurdles to overcome.
First, As my fellow Canucks can attest – venturing outdoors during a Canadian winter requires an extensive “bundling up” process…heavy coat, boots, hat and mitts, etc.
But couple this with an intense physical load to carry, and about 5 minutes into your commute, you find yourself getting suddenly and unbearably hot. And as you feel the sweat seeping through your Banana Republic lightweight wool; there’s nothing you can do but pray that you don’t have any 9am meetings, to leave adequate time for the tell-tale wet spots to dry.
Then, there’s the subway turnstyle. Every morning I have the same thought as I stare at this angry looking motherf**ker: how is all of this going to fit through that?
I know, I know…this problem is about as predictable as Paula Deen’s type two diabetes.. but as I awkwardly maneuver my hobo-ass life through a 6 inch wide gap that cuts you off at the waist, all I can do is pray that no one I know is there to witness my pride slipping slowly away.
Then finally, there’s the Elevator. Each morning, I say a silent prayer that I will not have to bear an awkward elevator experience with anyone I know. It doesn’t usually work, and I often end up making small talk while shifting bags from arm to arm and hoping rogue sweat droplets don’t make their way onto anything Harry Rosen. To make matters worse, the whole time intrusive thoughts are pulsating through my brain… like: F*&k…. where is my security pass?? Can everyone else hear this Biebs playing on my ipod? and I”M SO UNBELIEVABLY HOT RIGHT NOW!!!!
Often by the time I get to my office I feel like hurling myself, belongings first, out of the skyscraper window (which might be a blessing in disguise should I land on some other commuters below and put them out of their misery, too).
With this painful and stress-inducing start, It’s a wonder I make it through the day ever. I fear it’s only going to get worse, too as I age.. my arsenal of beauty and grooming products will only grow bigger and more burdensome…. and what happens when I have kids, and am forced to start carting their sh*t around too? Maybe I should think about becoming a minimalist. At the very least, it will make for a good blog post, since I will undoubtedly fail at it.
Question of the Day: Do you have excess baggage?