Holla peeps- I am currently en route home to Nova Scotia for Christmas, and blogging to you live from my oversized armchair at the Toronto City Centre Airport.. enjoying some free chocolate shortbread cookies and a refreshing diet coke. A girl could get used to this. Well, minus the 80,000 other extremely agitated Christmas travellers who all have somewhere to be “like, YESTERDAY”, and by the smells of things have just recently completed really hot and sweaty workouts. I don’t blame them. The treadmill makes me agitated too.
Anyway, apologies for being MIA this past week… I could give you a lot of excuses about why I was absent, but really, it’d be more accurate to say I was just drinking.
Literally. I’ve been drunk this entire time.
Jokes. Well that did happen, but a lot of other sh*t went down too. Like my ghetto-ass laptop deciding to finally up and quit itself a few days ago… and being balls to the wall busy at work this past week.
So as a result of all this I ended up doing all of my Christmas shopping in one day.. 4 days before Christmas. Kidz- lemme tell ya. This is not an advisable strategy. At least if you want to maintain any modicum of sanity whatsoever. True to character, shit was ridiculous at the mall and the place was just teeming with crazies. I even had 3 (count em – 3) separate couples ask me to take their picture in front of the Swarvoski Crystal Christmas tree at the mall. I strongly considered silently taking their cameras, karate chopping them over my good knee, and directing their asses to this post…. but in the spirit of Christmas, I just smiled and said “Say cheese, motherf**ckers”.
*Update: my flight was just delayed for 30 minutes. Which is awesome, because my new nextdoor neighbour is really rocking an intoxicating combo of Purr by Katy Perry mixed with stale cagrettes and Aussie extra hold hairspray.
Anyway… just because I know you want to hear them, here are some more
stream of consciousness really important thoughts I had while Christmas shopping:
- Where do they find the people who work at “The Source”? (or, likely any other electronics stores). I was in there the other day (re: my janked up laptop) and with the exception of Michael McDonald being blasted from all of the TV screens, the whole thing was eerily similar to that scene from the 40 year old virgin. During the course of my shopping experience, I was helped by 4 customer service representatives, all of which whose seriousness I questioned. Like, are you really serious about that haircut right now? that exasperated sigh.. those fingernails that haven’t seen the business end of a good pair of clippers in quite some time now? Honestly- if anyone can tell me where they do their recruiting, I’d be pleased to know. I have a few questions for these people.
K gotta get on the plane. BRB
Travel, travel update y’all: BreezyK now coming at you from the glamorous, and super French Montreal Trudeau Airport. (Yes, I took a connecting flight from Toronto to Nova Scotia. That’s cause youngest child over here couldn’t get her shit together to book a direct flight before they went up to $80 million dollars and a bag of cocaine a pop. Don’t judge). Not much to report from the first flight,, except that it was hella turbulent, and a french dude in a suit sat beside me and read the Financial Post the whole time like his job depended on it. (It probably did. He had an air of importance about him). He did lend me a pen though, which I proceeded to use to write these jokes about him down on paper. Sucka.
Anyway, back to stuff about the mall that makes me go whaaaayt?
- Bath and Body Works. Why does anybody even like this place? People go apeshit for it, but I kinda think it sucks the big one. It’s not cheap, but the labels look budget- and to be honest, it all smells like something my prior next door neighbour would wear. (See above).
- I think I might start buying lottery tickets. I walked by a lottery kiosk at the mall just as some bitch was winning $10. she looked happy. I’d like to feel that way.
Anyway- shit’s getting ready to board here, so that’s gonna have to be all. If you’ve made it this far- then thanks for sticking through the extended bout of schizophrenia that was this post. Next time you hear from me I’ll be breathing in fresh Nova Scotia air, followed by hiding all the sharp objects in my house so I don’t kill myself/other members of my family. (Kidding.
I’m not kidding)