The Terminator’s OTHER Mortal Weakness

Man, working out is hard. I should have been alerted to this years ago, given that the word “work” appears right there in the title, and promptly quit that noise…. but for some reason, I still persist in my masochism.

Now, getting my ass out the door and to the gym in the first place is hard enough, let alone when there are people there acting a fool and messing up my exercise chi.  And yet it happens. Almost every GD time.

Some of these eff-tards include:

If Snooki and Jwow went to my gym, I'm pretty sure they'd annoy me too.
  • The man running on the treadmill beside me who recently took a bath (or perhaps has been trying to pickle himself) in a vat of oldspice and Axe body spray. Your advances are not working on me, buddy.
  • Girl who runs 80 zillion miles on the treadmill. A) You’re hogging it, and B) You’re giving me a complex. Just get the hell off.
  • Anyone who asks to “work-in” with you. Shit’s just awkward.

But above all else- the #1 thing at the gym that makes me uncomfortable is:

Nudity.

Call me a prude- but I was raised in a home where modesty was paramount (which is obviously why I started this blog… HI MOM!) and nakedness was like a fictional creature- heard of, but never seen. Because of this, I have issues with nudity. Just ask my former roommate. On the several occasions I inadvertently saw her in the buff, I ran from the room  screaming at the top of my lungs and covering my face with my hands. Looking back, I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings, and that she understood that my problem with nudity was in general.. not hers in particular.

Anyway, I realized the first time I stepped foot in a YMCA as a child and saw all of the free-roaming lady parts that not everyone shares my Victorian modesty. But I’ve learned to adapt. I’ve developed a system where, when I enter the changeroom at my gym, I pretend that I am wearing a set of goggles that obscure my peripheral vision completely, and allow me to sense out nudity and chart a new path in order to avoid it. It’s sort of like Terminator Vision.  

Or Geordi LaForge’s glasses. Except he was blind. Whatever.

Anyway- the other day, I encountered a situation that rendered even my trusty terminator vision useless. As I was lacing up my shoes and mentally preparing myself for the moving deathmobile treadmill,  I heard a voice say “Nice sneakers!” 

There is a term used in Corporate Law to describe a transaction where both parties give one another unfettered access to information. It’s called “Open Kimono”. Well, let me tell you- when I looked up, and my eyes met the originator of this statement-context flew out the window, and all I could think about were those two little words playing  on a continuous loop in my brain, like a flashing red warning sign:

OPEN KIMONO OPEN KIMONO OPENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN KIMONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An elderly lady- naked as the day she was born, save for what appeared to be a hand towel on her lower half, attempting unsuccessfully to conceal her nether regions- stood before me.

omgomgomgomgomgomg. Nakedness. In front of me. Naked body TALKING TO ME. whatdoido!!!  First, I thought to myself that the Open Kimono- besides the hydraulic press- is apparently the Terminator’s only weakness. Then I remembered that this lady had said something to me, and was probably looking for some actual words back, rather than just nervous shuffling and darting eyeballs gazing longingly towards the door. 

“Oh thanks” I said sheepishly.

“You gonna go for a run today?” She asked, sauntering ever so slightly closer. 

“oh haha! yeah maybe I dont know haha im kinda tired but haha we’ll see!!!” I’m sweating profusely at this point, and my speech was 10x its normal volume.

“Yeah, Mondays.. I know how those can be” she said, stretching her arms over her head.

oh jesus. Keepittogether. Keeeeeeeep itttt tooooogether.

“I always hated when they had tests on Monday in school” she continued, lifting one leg onto the bench and stretching. “You need some time to get all geared up for the week, you know?”

“mhmmm yah oh totally” I responded. “Mondays! ha! such a useless day! well anyway, gotta go!” I proclaimed, rushing past her towards the cardio room.

I got almost all the way there, when I had a thought: Who was I was really running away from, here? This bad-ass old bitch rocking her 80-year-old nakedness up in the gym? Or myself, and my ridiculous fear of all that God gave us?

An idea struck me, and I turned on my heel and went back to my locker. “Forgot my ipod!” I said… feigning opening the lock and reaching into my gym bag.   As I closed my locker and turned around- I gave myself a little pep talk: Just do it….What have you got to lose??

Mentally, I switched off my terminator vision, and stared this lady down: full frontal.

Huh. So THAT’s what she was working with.

I hadn’t really planned out what I would do next, and as I stood there, mouth agape and staring blankly, I realized I had to make some sort of move. I considered giving her a high-five, since, bitch clearly had more confidence in her pinky finger than I have in my entire body- but something told me that might be sort of creepy. 

So I went with: “Well- it was nice to see you!”, as I left the changeroom. And I realized that, strangely- I meant it.  

Question of the Day: How do YOU feel about nudity?  

P.S. Check out my new sidebar- Thanks to all of your great feedback on my post Twitter: The 21st Century Haiku, BreezyK is now tweeting! I might not tweet any Haikus, but I probably WILL tweet in real time about all the reality TV I’m watching and bottles of wine I am drinking. So do yourself a favour and follow that sh*t

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17 thoughts on “The Terminator’s OTHER Mortal Weakness

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  1. Great post! Very funny.

    I used to be very fearful of nudity. I still guess I am. I’m fine walking around naked myself, but if I was in a room full of nudes I think I might need a bag to breathe into.

    I’m thinking this might be something to do with the YMCA itself. I had a membership there when I was like 13 and would never shower because well, I was a soft shaped 13 year old boy. I could be bought and sold for millions by perverts. One time I did go in there though when I went with a friend, maybe at 17-18 years old? It was filled with naked old men wandering about. I knew the song YMCA is the gay anthem, but this is too much.

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    1. haha thanks! And I agree- I think it IS a problem with the YMCA in general… that song created a monster. Luckily my current gym has fewer creepy old men than it does corporate d-bags… though I can’t decide which is worse

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  2. Bwahahaha! LOVE the part about the stretching of the limbs. Knowing you as I do- you must have been losing your brain!!! I actually had to stop reading cause I was laughing so hard picturing you in that situation…

    Way to be brave though, breezy. At least it made for a good story.

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  3. You are braver than I am. The dressing room at the gym still creeps me out and I doubt I’m ever getting over it. I’m fine in the privacy of my own home, but public nudity just kind of sucks the air right out of me.

    Grand story.

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  4. I like nudity on good looking people. Ugly people need to keep their clothes on. I was once sitting on a bench in a gym changing room tying my shoe laces when an ugly nude man decided to stretch by putting his naked foot on the bench and bending his knee back and forth against it while waving his thing in my face. I couldn’t help but stare blankly mouth agape – and NOT in admiration. It was one of the most disturbing experiences of my life. Even if I would have said it was nice to see him, I would not have meant it.

    This is an awesome blog – love the hilarious stories!

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    1. hahahaha I’m sorry your experience with nudity wasn’t quite as enlightening as mine. Well, maybe it was… but in a creepy way. Thanks for reading and I’m glad you are enjoying it! 🙂

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  5. I feel the same way about nudity! Makes my stomach tie up in knots thinking about it. I have been sporting those glasses for YEARS. And yea, I’m that girl who goes into the little change room to change into my gym clothes. If NO one is in the room, I might change there, but facing the lockers, in an inconspicuous corner.

    Great blog!

    Kat

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  6. Love the modesty poster, wish I’d used it in my blog about gym-nudity!
    The worst is when people feel the need to casually moisturise their inner thighs in the changing room. Then you certainly get an eyeful. Ick.

    Like

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