When Carb Face Attacks

“You take it,” she said, looking down at the delicious, albeit calorie laden, chocolate croissant posited between us. “I’m going to L.A. this weekend, and I need to be in a bathing suit”.

*No croissants were harmed in the making of this post.

I gazed suspiciously at the innocuous-looking pastry. It was the end of our weekly breakfast meeting at work, and the one paltry croissant was all that remained of a tray once filled with tantalizing treats. One by one, we had watched as men  had approached the table, picked a breakfast item, and devoured it  without so much as a second thought.

And now here we were- the two lone females at the party-  painstakingly agonizing over this croissant, and guessing its exact calorie count like we were trying to win a raffle prize.

“I don’t know…” I finally replied. “I had pretty solid plans of emotionally eating a medium pizza later”.

“Just do it”, she said. “One of us might as well enjoy it”.

My rubber arm for baked goods is easily twisted, and before I knew it, I was placing the croissant on a napkin, looking both ways, and  fleeing  back downstairs to my office.  No sooner had the last morsel passed my lips, when an e-mail popped up in my inbox:

“How was it??”  she asked.  “I’ve been thinking about it ever since you left”.

I took a moment to reflect on this. “It was ok,” I replied “But I kind of wish I hadn’t eaten it. I have total carb face right now”.

Her response?  “Please write a blog post about carb face”.

Well, here you go, Linds- Merry Christmas. Not quite as good as Rob Ford hitting you in the face with a candy cane, but it’ll have to do.

“Carb face” is a concept I first learned from a friend in law school. It is a term used to describe the puffiness/swelling of your face, and the associated feelings of fatness and general malaise brought on by eating too many carbohydrate filled foods.  Think post- Thanksgiving family pictures. Or Britney Spears post Me Against the Music. Oh, and boys- don’t think you’re off the hook on this one either- I’ve got two words for you: Val Kilmer.

oh Batman- where did it all go so wrong??

The sister affliction to carbface is, of course, “Booze Face”- the facial rotundness that develops as a result of too much liquor consumption. If you need an example of what this looks like- I suggest you check out some old undergraduate pictures of yourself. You know the ones where you are posing provocatively with a 2L bottle of wine cooler, wearing hip hugger flares and an extra 15 lbs? Or the male equivalent- ironic t-shirts and playing/singing along to Dave Matthews? Yah, you’ve probably got booze face in those.  

Once you discover the concepts of carb face/ booze face, it’s all over for you. You will examine your face at length in the mirror,  in a desperate attempt to identify the genesis of the problem. You start  thinking you have carb face  even when you don’t.  Like a phantom limb, your chin begins to tickle in the spot you perceive fatness to be growing, and you imagine your face to look akin to Violet Beauregarde’s after chewing a piece of three-course-dinner gum.

There’s no point in going out during a flare-up of carb face. A form of social leprosy- it’s best to stay home, drink plenty of water, and put down the dinner rolls until that shit subsides.  I spent most of my university career trying to avoid all carbs  before any events where photos would be taken (sidenote: carbface can also be minimized by strategic posing. Chins down, ladies). It even got to the point where, while running on the treadmill, I would  actively shake my face from side to side in an effort to shrink its growing mass at a faster rate (spoiler alert: this doesn`t work). I even considered joining the carb face support group on facebook.

As if this weren’t enough- I have another friend who refers to the “sodium paws” and “feta feet” she gets when she eats too much salt. I find this idea hilarious (humans with paws? it’s just too much)… but also a little disheartening.  Must all of my favourite foods be sacrificed in the name of hotness??

Sigh. Guess its back to carrot sticks and ice pops for this chick.

Question of the Day: Have YOU been victimized by Carb Face?

P.S.  Thank you, thank you thank you to all of you who read, commented and liked my post “Twitter: The 21st Century Haiku?” which was Freshly Pressed on Monday. I love all of your thoughts on twitter, and keep em coming! A special thank you also goes out to all of my new followers- hope you bitches like the Kardashians and recycled jokes!!

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23 thoughts on “When Carb Face Attacks

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  1. hahahah love it! Such an appropriate post for the upcoming holiday season. I laughed at the Rob Ford candycane video. His picture should have been put up right there with Batman.

    Also, I think along with Feta Feet, Carb face, booze face (which is my weekend alter ego) and sodium paws, you should add dairy queens…for those of us who really need to learn to put down Ben, Jerry, Chapman and goat cheese and get on a stairmaster.

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  2. haha I give you full credit on the Rob Ford joke!! The video is hilarious though eh he is so awkward.
    I love dairy queen- and will now be adding it to my repertoire. How is the mass consumption of calcium going, anyway?

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  3. Hilarious because it’s true! Every time I eat way too much in one sitting, I call it a “food coma”….you know, when you have to stay horizontal and feel like the only thing separating you from utopia is closing your eyes for a nap.

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    1. haha I have a feeling you are in store for some of that with Thanksgiving. I also get “food hangovers” the day after eating like that… so your body image actually has TWO really bad days to look forward to this weekend!

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  4. i go from skeletor to carb face and back depending on my state of health, mental well-being and formerly, offsetting drug cosumption rate…all without the slightest impact on the cup size of my bra. i might like the carb-, feta-, booze- and/or munchie face- looks a little better on myself if even a half-ounce of that water weight or good ol’ fat would land in my bra instead of under my chin and and soggy post-baby batwing arms.

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    1. carb face is much more fun eh? at least in the moment! And totally agreed on the wishing you could direct the fact…. now there’s somethign I have to invent- Think I can find some investors for that one?

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  5. Holy fat face Batman! That’s really Val Kilmer?

    I remember Peter Wentz mentioning something about “fat face” before. I don’t know why I ever read anything Peter Wentz said. She’s not my style of music. Maybe some guys are into her, not me.

    You really have to pick your poison with foods. I’ve come to learn that it’s impossible to eat perfectly without spending $60 a day. You have to settle for high sodium, high cholestoral, high carb, or high sugar. As long as people still want to have sex with you, I think it’s all good.

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    1. yes!! Have you seen the movie MacGruber? he sort of looks like a puffy, more wannabe suave Kurt Russell in it. soooo not batman.
      Peter Wentz= hilarious.
      And I totally agree on something having to give on the whole food thing… unless you’re gonna not eat, which is infinitely harder.

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  6. I think this comment is relevant- speakIng of bodily reactions to food intake.

    Two words. Meat sweats.

    It kind of makes my stomach turn when I hear the phrase, but I have witnessed it first- hand and it’s real folks… It’s real.

    Happy eating!!

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    1. Joey feels your pain Sherene!

      For all my american friends out there- try not to eat an entire turkey this halloween to avoid this!!
      Also, actionfiguretrish- I agree! I don’t speak meat myself- which makes it all the more repulsive.. eww

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  7. LMAO!!!!!!! Can’t believe I just read this gem. SO FUNNY. I totally get sodium paws. Snorting re: “I had pretty solid plans of emotionally eating a medium pizza later”. Good, good stuff 🙂

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  8. Holy shit! IS THAT what it is??? LMAO! seriously, I snorted while reading….I almost spit out my beautiful Heineken….that would have been a tragedy,being Thirsty Thursday and all…. You are so hilarious…. I just totally am in love with your blog and I would marry it if I could… cheers!

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  9. Wait… WHAT? I have never heard of this. I think when I was overweight though my face was permanently a carb face, and now… I’ve just never noticed it before.

    …I hope I never do.

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