“You take it,” she said, looking down at the delicious, albeit calorie laden, chocolate croissant posited between us. “I’m going to L.A. this weekend, and I need to be in a bathing suit”.
I gazed suspiciously at the innocuous-looking pastry. It was the end of our weekly breakfast meeting at work, and the one paltry croissant was all that remained of a tray once filled with tantalizing treats. One by one, we had watched as men had approached the table, picked a breakfast item, and devoured it without so much as a second thought.
And now here we were- the two lone females at the party- painstakingly agonizing over this croissant, and guessing its exact calorie count like we were trying to win a raffle prize.
“I don’t know…” I finally replied. “I had pretty solid plans of emotionally eating a medium pizza later”.
“Just do it”, she said. “One of us might as well enjoy it”.
My rubber arm for baked goods is easily twisted, and before I knew it, I was placing the croissant on a napkin, looking both ways, and fleeing back downstairs to my office. No sooner had the last morsel passed my lips, when an e-mail popped up in my inbox:
“How was it??” she asked. “I’ve been thinking about it ever since you left”.
I took a moment to reflect on this. “It was ok,” I replied “But I kind of wish I hadn’t eaten it. I have total carb face right now”.
Her response? “Please write a blog post about carb face”.
Well, here you go, Linds- Merry Christmas. Not quite as good as Rob Ford hitting you in the face with a candy cane, but it’ll have to do.
“Carb face” is a concept I first learned from a friend in law school. It is a term used to describe the puffiness/swelling of your face, and the associated feelings of fatness and general malaise brought on by eating too many carbohydrate filled foods. Think post- Thanksgiving family pictures. Or Britney Spears post Me Against the Music. Oh, and boys- don’t think you’re off the hook on this one either- I’ve got two words for you: Val Kilmer.
The sister affliction to carbface is, of course, “Booze Face”- the facial rotundness that develops as a result of too much liquor consumption. If you need an example of what this looks like- I suggest you check out some old undergraduate pictures of yourself. You know the ones where you are posing provocatively with a 2L bottle of wine cooler, wearing hip hugger flares and an extra 15 lbs? Or the male equivalent- ironic t-shirts and playing/singing along to Dave Matthews? Yah, you’ve probably got booze face in those.
Once you discover the concepts of carb face/ booze face, it’s all over for you. You will examine your face at length in the mirror, in a desperate attempt to identify the genesis of the problem. You start thinking you have carb face even when you don’t. Like a phantom limb, your chin begins to tickle in the spot you perceive fatness to be growing, and you imagine your face to look akin to Violet Beauregarde’s after chewing a piece of three-course-dinner gum.
There’s no point in going out during a flare-up of carb face. A form of social leprosy- it’s best to stay home, drink plenty of water, and put down the dinner rolls until that shit subsides. I spent most of my university career trying to avoid all carbs before any events where photos would be taken (sidenote: carbface can also be minimized by strategic posing. Chins down, ladies). It even got to the point where, while running on the treadmill, I would actively shake my face from side to side in an effort to shrink its growing mass at a faster rate (spoiler alert: this doesn`t work). I even considered joining the carb face support group on facebook.
As if this weren’t enough- I have another friend who refers to the “sodium paws” and “feta feet” she gets when she eats too much salt. I find this idea hilarious (humans with paws? it’s just too much)… but also a little disheartening. Must all of my favourite foods be sacrificed in the name of hotness??
Sigh. Guess its back to carrot sticks and ice pops for this chick.
Question of the Day: Have YOU been victimized by Carb Face?
P.S. Thank you, thank you thank you to all of you who read, commented and liked my post “Twitter: The 21st Century Haiku?” which was Freshly Pressed on Monday. I love all of your thoughts on twitter, and keep em coming! A special thank you also goes out to all of my new followers- hope you bitches like the Kardashians and recycled jokes!!