It’s Wine O’Clock Somewhere…

Mmm. Wine. What’s not to love?  A nice crisp Sauvignon Blanc on a hot summer day…. the way a glass of Pinot makes all of your problems melt away like Kim K’s face when she sits too close to a burning candle…  the fact that just holding a  glass increases your overall panache and classiness by at least 50%? (shhh don’t ruin this for me).

Since I love wine so much, I was obviously pumped when, last night, my friend Stephanie offered me an extra ticket to attend Toronto’s annual Gourmet Food and Wine Expo with her and her sister.

Rocking my post-work Kourtney Kardashian bun… I told you guys!

The catch here is that while I love wine, and drink it like grapes are an endangered species- I actually know very little about it.  A year spent living with a wino sister allows me to vaguely tell you which brands I like (mostly based on how pretty the label is) and which ones will get you drunk the fastest (Answer: all of them. See?? how can you not love it?). So since Stephanie’s sister, Anna, is currently in school for wine making, and offered to be our tour guide and private sommelier for the evening, this seemed like a  good learning opportunity.

 Well, I can tell you one thing I did learn, and it’s this: you can dress me up,  but you can’t take me out anywhere.  Honestly. I tried to be fancy, to learn to speak the language of wine- but that shit might as well have been in hieroglyphics, because I think I understood about -25% of it.  Ok ok, so I’m exaggerating.  Anna did a great job of picking out the best wines to try, explaining how each of them were made, telling us laymen the criteria you should be looking for when choosing a bottle (I specifically remember the word “Tannens”) but even still,  my inability to be serious/to act like a grown adult came out in full force, and I ended up
Exhibit A of my immaturity: I took a total of three pictures at this event. One of which was of myself (see above), and the second was of an ice sculpture. Fail.

summarily dismissing all of the credibility I had built up with my ignorant and plebian comments. I felt like  the Eliza Doolittle of wine.. or like Tom Hanks in Big, pretending to be a grown up when all I really wanted to do was play chopsticks on the foot-operated electronic keyboard (ok so there actually wasn’t one there…but that would have been awesome).  

At least I was in good company- Stephanie, a beer drinker by trade, knew just as little about wine as me, and together, our  discerning palates allowed us to come up with some of the following observations on the wines we tasted:

  • “This wine smells like cheese. Yep. Definitely cheese.. like an old, mouldy cheddar”.
  • “This tastes like Christmas”
  • “My mouth feels like its inside a Sauna. Hey, remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine accidentally feels up Teri Hatcher’s boobs in the Sauna? Yah that was a good one”
  • “This tastes like cat pee….. but in a nice way”
  • “Would I be wrong in saying that from this one, I get a slight hint of white-out?”

And the following astute observations about wine-making and the wine show in general:

  • “Do you guys think the Molson Canadian promo girls feel like lower class citizens?”
  • “I wonder if  wine people  get insurance for their tongues… like Beyonce has for her legs. Like, what if you burn your tongue on hot soup? Is that a potentially career debilitating injury?”

Although Anna did her best to reassure me that the winemakers “like it when you engage with them”, I can’t help but feel like she was just trying to make me feel better about my highly offensive wine-related verbal diarrhea. And that’s cool- I’ll just take it in stride, knowing that my journey towards  cultural enlightenment is about as many steps away from being complete as I am from looking like Giselle Bunchden…. and plus I have this theory that actually taking time to taste the wine probably interferes with your getting-drunkenness anyway. No?

Question of the Day: Are you a wino?

P.S. For any Torontonians out there- the Gourmet Food and Wine Show is taking place at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre through November 20. Check it out… get Kla$$y.


21 thoughts on “It’s Wine O’Clock Somewhere…

Add yours

  1. Wino eh? Nice to see in print how you REALLY see your eldest sister!!

    Glad to hear you got all cultured and shit at the wine outing. Speaking of shit, did you detect any flutterings of that in any wine you tasted? Or just the cat pee??

    Wishing you an evening of palette- appealing tastes.

    The wino.


  2. Breeee!!! Bloggin’, I love this!! You have inspired me to get back on the wordpress train. If you can make time for it, I have no excuses! Love that you are sharing your satire with the world heh looks great!


  3. Breezy! I love your wine observations. I wish my foot was well enough to venture out to the Metro Convention Centre but alas! If you love wine you should take your friend and go to Niagra-on-the-Lake. I did that last summer. Check yourself into a cute little bed n breakfast, rent a bicycle and ride from winery to winery tasting the good kind of cat pee lol.

    I’m gonna go gulp some Pinot now…in a classy way of course.


    1. I’m sorry you have to miss out on this blessed event too! And thanks for the tip- I’ve been wanting to go to Niagra since I moved to Toronto… i fear it might be dangerous for me though 🙂
      P.S. I applaud your commitment to keeping it kla$$y. (apparently I’ve just decided that all S’s will be dollar signs from now on. and that’s ok with me).


  4. This was so good! I feel your pain, sister. The wife and I visited her sister in San Francisco a few years back and did the Napa Valley Stagger-Around-And-Drink tour. It’s pretty amazing, actually, how defined all the flavors (sorry…”flavours”) are when you really concentrate. Never had the White Out or Cat Pee varieties, but did try a glass that tasted like cut grass and another that was very Chrstmas. Sooooo Christmas.

    Thanks for another outstanding read.


    1. Thanks Turner 🙂 I want to go on a “Stagger-Around-And-Drink tour”- especially if there is wine of the grass tasting variety. Hey remember a few years back when The Gap had that perfume, “Grass”? Didn’t work then either.


  5. Darn, I am from Toronto and I missed it! Just like I missed the whisky convention 😦 … Wouldn’t call myself a wino, but I sure love appreciate a good red wine 🙂


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