Mmm. Wine. What’s not to love? A nice crisp Sauvignon Blanc on a hot summer day…. the way a glass of Pinot makes all of your problems melt away like Kim K’s face when she sits too close to a burning candle… the fact that just holding a glass increases your overall panache and classiness by at least 50%? (shhh don’t ruin this for me).
Since I love wine so much, I was obviously pumped when, last night, my friend Stephanie offered me an extra ticket to attend Toronto’s annual Gourmet Food and Wine Expo with her and her sister.
The catch here is that while I love wine, and drink it like grapes are an endangered species- I actually know very little about it. A year spent living with a wino sister allows me to vaguely tell you which brands I like (mostly based on how pretty the label is) and which ones will get you drunk the fastest (Answer: all of them. See?? how can you not love it?). So since Stephanie’s sister, Anna, is currently in school for wine making, and offered to be our tour guide and private sommelier for the evening, this seemed like a good learning opportunity.
summarily dismissing all of the credibility I had built up with my ignorant and plebian comments. I felt like the Eliza Doolittle of wine.. or like Tom Hanks in Big, pretending to be a grown up when all I really wanted to do was play chopsticks on the foot-operated electronic keyboard (ok so there actually wasn’t one there…but that would have been awesome).
At least I was in good company- Stephanie, a beer drinker by trade, knew just as little about wine as me, and together, our discerning palates allowed us to come up with some of the following observations on the wines we tasted:
- “This wine smells like cheese. Yep. Definitely cheese.. like an old, mouldy cheddar”.
- “This tastes like Christmas”
- “My mouth feels like its inside a Sauna. Hey, remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine accidentally feels up Teri Hatcher’s boobs in the Sauna? Yah that was a good one”
- “This tastes like cat pee….. but in a nice way”
- “Would I be wrong in saying that from this one, I get a slight hint of white-out?”
And the following astute observations about wine-making and the wine show in general:
- “Do you guys think the Molson Canadian promo girls feel like lower class citizens?”
- “I wonder if wine people get insurance for their tongues… like Beyonce has for her legs. Like, what if you burn your tongue on hot soup? Is that a potentially career debilitating injury?”
Although Anna did her best to reassure me that the winemakers “like it when you engage with them”, I can’t help but feel like she was just trying to make me feel better about my highly offensive wine-related verbal diarrhea. And that’s cool- I’ll just take it in stride, knowing that my journey towards cultural enlightenment is about as many steps away from being complete as I am from looking like Giselle Bunchden…. and plus I have this theory that actually taking time to taste the wine probably interferes with your getting-drunkenness anyway. No?
Question of the Day: Are you a wino?
P.S. For any Torontonians out there- the Gourmet Food and Wine Show is taking place at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre through November 20. Check it out… get Kla$$y.