Love Coldplay? Careful- It might just be a relationship deal-breaker

Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

On a scale from 1-10 for music snobbery (one being a Belieber, 10 being Rob from High Fidelity), I’d rate myself at about a 7.  Sure I read Pitchfork; listen to bands that most people have never heard of; and go to gigs at questionable establishments with fellow shoe-gazing hipsters-  but I’m also a sucker for a good pop tune. I have been known to rock out to Nicki Minaj and Rihanna on the treadmill, and have a serious love for both the X-Factor and American Idol.

While I allow myself certain inconsistencies in this regard, I have some pretty high standards for indie credibility when it comes to potential suitors. If you refer to a “progressive trance element” when describing your favourite musical genre, or if your idea of a good time involves fist-pumping at a college bar to “Don’t Stop Believing”– then things between us probably aren’t going to work out. (I’m even more harsh with my comedy-I once famously dropped a guy for not knowing who Jason Schwartzman was).  That being said- I’m not an absolutist. If a guy is cute enough, all can be overlooked- I’ll just inundate him with a steady stream of mix-tapes and hope that he will one day eventually adopt all of my musical taste through auditory osmosis.

It appears that  I am not alone  in my quest for a musical soulmate: as evidenced by the online dating site, Tastebuds.fm, that matches people based on their musical preferences. Turns out these indier-than-thou online daters are MUCH more discerning than I am about taste, and have compiled a list of the Top 10 music turnoffs– Artists they say that are most likely to destroy your chances at dating.

According to them, you should never, EVER admit to liking these artists on a first date if you don’t want to end up alone, surrounded by too many cats and the stench of your own romantic failures:

10. Britney Spears

Mirrorpix / Splash News

Oh Brit Brit. The world has not been kind to you, my cheeto-loving shampoo-hating friend.  What happened to the days when you were the number one pop princess in the world?? Now you’re even last  on the list  of biggest cock-blocks. Ultimate burn.

 

9. Lil’ Wayne

Alexander Tamargo/Getty Images

100% agree on this one. Homeboy is all wiry and tattooed, and angry.. quite frankly even the mention of his name scares the sh*t out of me…. .

8. Katy Perry

Buda Mendes/STF/LatinContent WO/Getty Images

Self-explanatory.

7. Creed

Ethan Miller/Getty Images

Aah Creed. I sort of forgot about their existence until I read this article… and it of course it prompted me to go back and watch all of their videos for the hard-rock-yet-subtly-Christian classics such as “Higher” and “With Arms Wide Open“. … after all of this, I’ve decided that,  while listening to Creed may not get you laid, having a haircut like Scott Stapp’s definitely will.    

6.  U2

Michael Ochs Archives / Getty

This one is a little surprising to me, because I don’t think U2 actually suck that badly. Is it all of Bono’s humanitarian efforts?? I get that philanthropy can sometimes be a buzz-kill, but c’mon guys..

5. Coldplay

Dave Hogan/Getty Images

Sigh. So much potential.

4. Ke$ha

Kevin Winter/Getty Images

I think the takeaway here, really, is don’t replace any of the “S”‘s in your name with dollar signs, and people won’t hate you. It’s just that simple.

3.  Lady Gaga

Nick Ansell

My heart breaks a little on this one, as I love me some Gags. Oh well, good thing I’m supremely dateable in all other aspects of my life.

2. Justin Bieber

Kevin Winter/NBCUniversal/Getty Images

Insert Mariah Yeater/ Baby Daddy/One Less Lonely Girl/ Selena Gomez/ joke here ________.

1. Nickelback

Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images

I think we can all agree on this one.  Chad Kroeger- just stop. Seriously. In the name of love.

Question of the Day: What musical act(s) do you think are the biggest cock-block?

P.S. Don’t forget to enter my Lucky Charms giveaway below- you know you waaaant to….

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20 thoughts on “Love Coldplay? Careful- It might just be a relationship deal-breaker

Add yours

  1. Love that Nickelback is number one! I think their biggest crime is that Mr. Chad has helped a lot of other really shitty Nickelback soundy bands get record labels. I forget their names, as my therapist suggested I do so.

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    1. haha its absolutley not complete! I would add:
      – LMFAO
      – Paramore
      – Fallout Boy
      -David Guetta
      – MGMT
      – 30 Seconds to Mars
      The list could go on and on really.. which is why I am going to be alone forever. What would you add?

      Like

      1. Every name starting with DJ, that’s for sure. Further on Avril Lavigne, Bruno Mars, and any group that feels really rough, but isn’t. But actually I don’t really pay attention to today’s music, I mostly ignore it. So yes, I’m going to be alone forever too :).

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  2. I don’t want to be with a man if I need to take my Britney Spears dance parties outside of the house for life. And I may own the movie crossroads.

    I think there is a backlash against this too cool for school hipster thing – I think people should proudly add Aqua, S Club 7 and B44 back to their ipods and enjoy their morning run without judgment 🙂

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    1. $ara,
      I feel so ble$$ed that someone as overtly cool as yourself- with a REAL LIVE DOLLAR SIGN in her name- would comment on my blog. Now that we are besties, I can only hope that you will find it in your heart to mentor me in the ways of all things Ke$ha and being trashy-awesome.
      Your$,
      Breezyk$ (for good measure)

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  3. hey…people like what they like…everyone has the right without being judged.

    ok, disclaimer accomplished.

    um…now…who else? i’m a former college radio music manager and dj, from back in the early 90s. i broke pearl jam’s first single on my radio show. (how cool am I????) ahhh. those were the days. i didn’t think i was a cool kid back then (now commonly referred to as “hipster”), and i’ve always been shy around the zine music review writers or my best friend’s music collection.

    but foiled against, oh, i don’t know, the “mainstream” casey kasem list above, i guess i am a music snob. i almost didn’t marry my ex-husband because he had a nelly furtado cd and…duh duh DUH….sixpence. pay attention to those red flags people!!! i think there was a celine dion christmas record involved too, but i’ve since blocked out the details of how that came to pass.

    i, like you, flooded him with music…and cuter clothes…until (and now that we aren’t together), he’s totally acceptably cute and tasteful. my new man…well, we like to joke about my music snobbery and the things i put up with for him. he at least has sirius radio and listens to indie…even before meeting me…but i can’t bring myself to type out some of his tastes. in fairness, he’s 50, so him getting excited to see wilco with me is quite remarkable, along with his interest in all the indie stuff i send him as our growing soundtrack of luuuuuv. of course, i think wilco is no longer cool…to be indie-cool you have to hate everything since jeff tweedy’s uncle tupelo records in the late 80s.

    can i add some other currents to your list? these are indies whose appeal i can’t wrap my brain around: interpol, death cab for cutie, incubus (ok, not indie, but djs pretend), pavement…i could go on, like you, forever i think (and your list runs a great gamut of pop deuchebaggery).

    http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMS0xZmJiMWQ3ZDc3ZjVmNjMw

    Like

    1. hahaha I love the part about you almost not marrying your husband because of Nelly Furtado. I make snap judgments like that too- its important for me to see it doesnt always pay off!! These are also good additions to the list- Death Cab for Cuties latest album especially.. atrocious.

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  4. speaking of coldplay and relationship deal-breakers, uh this looks really weird…

    News of the World, Feb. 11, 2012 – Steven Hedges, !Pop Band Word Puzzle Mystery!

    Chris Martin and the other members of the British band Coldplay, set to play at tomorrow night’s Grammy Awards, have a mighty big secret they’re hiding in their genes. And it’s not just what the kooky name of their latest album, Mylo Xyloto, means.

    It turns out that Chris, Will, Guy, and Jonny are secretly half-brothers, all the offspring of sixties film star, Keir Dullea. He’s the pretty blond floating in an astronaut’s outfit in Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. (Methinks the film’s sequel, 2010, has a wee something to do with the naming of MX, though the bonus points come for spotting an odd possible link to Canadian hockey!)

    While one can imagine the Coldplay chaps enjoying their secret connection to each other and such a famous pretend space explorer, Keir Dullea had a little secret, too. His own secret parents were early Hollywood actors, who met while filming “Romeo and Juliet”.

    His mother was a famed beauty and his father a quirky character actor with a two-toned voice. Yes, two notes came out at the same time when he spoke or sang! It was so unusual that folks were worried he wouldn’t make the leap from silent movies to sound. Silly folks! Freakishness always pays off in life!

    Which explains those great Coldplay harmonies. The band members are not only singing with the same voice, but all potentially share a genetic oddity that produces a rich double-tone, letting Chris Martin warble the simplest of sad melodies with a curiously undulating richness.

    And whoever was in charge of bring Keir Dullea’s musical boys together also had some fun with naming them. Each is the son of an actress who was in a film with Keir Dullea that was released the year of their birth.

    Due to some clever wordplay and spitting-image resemblances, it’s not hard to figure out from whose womb Chris, Will, Guy, and Jonny sprang forth. Only frontman Chris Martin lacks a label suggesting a clear co-star connection, though his mum’s short and snappy first name does make a shuffled show in his last.

    Here’s a clue: Chris Martin and his lovely wife Gwyneth Paltrow share the same stunning Hollywood beauty for a mum. She had a gaggle of kids and was married to Woody Allen, and accounts for Chris and Gwyneth producing adorably blond haired identi-children with noticeably ethereal Great Gatsbyesque looks. Great-grandparents were Mel Ferrer and Ruth Nelson, connecting Keir’s mother and Gwyneth’s grandmother back to music hall stunner, Ruth Vincent, curiously making the couple second cousins, too.

    Though in my humble opinion, little Apple Martin looks a tidy bit more like that astronaut grandfather of hers as he floats through space envisioning a future pop band of handsome sons, each with a half-sister wife and their secret dad’s identity cleverly anagrammed into their globally-recognized moniker.

    Steven Hedges writes each Saturday on pop culture riddles. This is his first column.

    ###

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