Halloween is by far my favourite holiday of the year. Not only does it give you free license to wear whatever the hell you want and call it a “costume”, it’s also the day on which such A-List celebrities as Vanilla Ice, Rob Schnieder and (drumroll please)…. yours truly, were born. So that’s why, for this edition of Turn Up the Good, Turn down The Suck – I thought I would focus on one of the best parts of this glorious day: CANDY.
You may already know from reading my prior posts that as a child I put the “anal” in “analyze” (credit: BrainRants). This was especially true of Halloween. I would return from trick or treating, dump my goods out all over my bedroom floor, and proceed to spend hours poring over my loot and categorizing its contents- determining which pieces were to be consumed first; which savoured for later. By the time I was done constructing all of my little piles, my room looked like a hoarder with a bad case of OCD had temporarily taken up residence- but it was worth it. My rationing ensured that I would be adequately supplied with candy until Christmas- or at least until my older brothers got a hold of it.
Anyway- as evidenced by my story, not all Halloween candy was created equal: so here I present to you a list of the best (turn up the good) and worst (turn down the suck) of Halloween candy: (And P.S. if you missed them- check out Turn Up the Good Turn Down the Suck vols 1, 2 and 3).
Turn Up the Good
1. Full Size Chocolate Bars: otherwise known as the holy grail of trick or treating. Like unicorns (yes, exactly like unicorns), these were scarce- some years you may only get one, or worse, none- while others you may be lucky enough to get several. It was often discussed by the children in the community who was known to be giving out these treats- and we would make special trips just to get them. God bless these generous individuals.
2. Reese Peanut Butter Cups: I realize this one is slightly subjective, and you can feel free to insert your favourite fun-size chocolate bar here- but damn I loved me some Reeses. Guaranteed to make the top cut of any sorting round, I savoured these bad boys for months
2. Full Cans of (NAME BRAND ONLY) Pop (None of that No-name cola shit): I hesitated to add this one, only because of the sheer amount of weight these puppies add to your treat bag. However, it’s a cross I was always willing to bear in order to have unlimited cans of Pepsi at my disposal throughout November….
4. Homemade Shit: This makes the list due to its elusive nature. Homemade cookies? Quaint little bags of popcorn tied up lovingly with ribbons? CANDY APPLES? Sure they all looked amazing- but kid, you might as well just forget about it. If your parents were anything like mine, all that gloriousness was being thrown in the trash faster than you could say “this isn’t actually a costume“.
Homemade halloween treats- I salute you. Though your creators may be creepy, and you may contained concealed razor blades- your potential deliciousness transcends.
Turn Down the Suck
1. Rockets: AKA a cheap-ass waste of valuable treat bag space…. or, as a friend of mine rightly clarified: “a waste of EARTH space”. Does anyone even actually like these?
2. Mollases Kisses: You know the ones I’m talking about. A sort of caramel/tootsie roll/ black licorice hybrid that have been around forever, and for some reason still persists. These choking hazards shouldn’t be given to CHILDREN- they should be reserved for old men who are missing most of their teeth so they can kill some time. I’m not feelin it.
3. Unmarked bags of potato chips: This was always a crapshoot. Emblazoned only with the “Hostess” or “Humpty Dumpty” logo all over them, you never knew what you were going to get. You risked wasting potential treats if you opened it up and didn’t like that kind, and for the weirdo kids like me, this created a nightmare for categorization.
4. Non-Food Related Items
Pencils, erasers, religious pamphlets… basically anything that made you roll your eyes behind the mask of your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume and go “REALLY?”
Bitches be fundamentally misunderstanding the concept of Halloween, here…