Food / Humour

Turn Up the Good, Turn down the Suck: Halloween Candy

Halloween is by far my favourite holiday of the year.  Not only does it give you free license to wear whatever the hell you want and call it a “costume”, it’s also the day on which such A-List celebrities as Vanilla Ice, Rob Schnieder and (drumroll please)…. yours truly, were born.  So that’s why, for this edition of Turn Up the Good, Turn down The Suck – I thought I would focus on one of the best parts of this glorious day: CANDY.

Halloween breezyk circa 1989

You may already know from reading my prior posts that as a child  I put the “anal” in “analyze” (credit: BrainRants). This was especially true of Halloween. I would return from trick or treating, dump my goods out all over my bedroom floor, and proceed to spend hours poring over  my loot and categorizing its contents- determining which pieces were to be consumed first; which savoured for later. By the time I was done constructing all of my little piles, my room looked like a  hoarder with a bad case of OCD had temporarily taken up residence- but it was worth it. My rationing ensured that I would be adequately supplied with candy until Christmas- or at least until my older brothers got a hold of it. 

Sure they look cute… but these boys CANT BE TRUSTED

Anyway- as evidenced by my story, not all Halloween candy was created equal: so here I present to you a list of the best (turn up the good) and worst (turn down the suck) of Halloween candy: (And P.S. if you missed them- check out Turn Up the Good Turn Down the Suck vols 1, 2 and 3).

Turn Up the Good

1. Full Size Chocolate Bars: otherwise known as the holy grail of trick or treating. Like unicorns (yes, exactly like unicorns), these were scarce- some years you may only get one, or worse, none- while others you may be lucky enough to get several. It was often discussed by the children in the community who was known to be giving out these treats- and we would make special trips just to get them. God bless these generous individuals.

2. Reese Peanut Butter Cups: I realize this one is slightly subjective, and you can feel free to insert your favourite fun-size chocolate bar here- but damn I loved me some Reeses. Guaranteed to make the top cut of any sorting round, I savoured these bad boys for months

2. Full Cans of (NAME BRAND ONLY) Pop (None of that No-name cola shit): I hesitated to add this one, only because of the sheer amount of weight these puppies add to your treat bag. However, it’s a cross I was always willing to bear in order to have unlimited cans of Pepsi at my disposal throughout November….

4. Homemade Shit: This makes the list due to its elusive nature. Homemade cookies? Quaint little bags of popcorn tied up lovingly with ribbons? CANDY APPLES? Sure they all looked amazing- but kid, you might as well just forget about it. If your parents were anything like mine, all that gloriousness was being  thrown in the trash faster than you could say “this isn’t actually a costume“. 

 Homemade halloween treats- I salute you. Though your creators may be creepy, and you may contained concealed razor blades- your potential deliciousness transcends.

Turn Down the Suck

1. Rockets: AKA a cheap-ass waste of valuable treat bag space…. or, as a friend of mine rightly clarified: “a waste of EARTH space”. Does anyone even actually  like these?

2. Mollases Kisses:  You know the ones I’m talking about. A sort of caramel/tootsie roll/ black licorice hybrid that have been around forever, and for some reason still persists. These choking hazards shouldn’t be given to CHILDREN- they should be reserved for old men who are missing most of their teeth so they can kill some time. I’m not feelin it.

 

3. Unmarked bags of potato chips: This was always a crapshoot. Emblazoned only with the “Hostess” or “Humpty Dumpty” logo all over them, you never knew what you were going to get. You risked wasting potential treats if you opened it up and didn’t like that kind, and for the weirdo kids like me, this created a nightmare for categorization.

Like this... EXCEPT NOT

4. Non-Food Related Items

Pencils, erasers, religious pamphlets… basically anything that made you roll your eyes behind the mask of your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume and go “REALLY?”

Bitches be fundamentally misunderstanding the concept of Halloween, here…

Question of the Day: What were your favourite and least favourite Halloween Treats?

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13 thoughts on “Turn Up the Good, Turn down the Suck: Halloween Candy

  1. Favorite: Reeses Cups. Until they devise a way to inject them into my lungs, along with Steven Seagal kick formula, I’ll have to resort to eating them by the dozens. I love them forever.

    Worst: Unsalted crackers. Because the lady obviously couldn’t skip Halloween, despite how ill prepared she was.

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    • I could also go for a reeses IV that would inject a constant flow of chocolate and peanut butter into my bloodstream….. and unsalted crackers is an awesome “worst”… gotta give the ol’ girl points for trying

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  2. Pop? You actually got pop for Halloween? Not in my neighborhood! And I’m not sure I ever got a full size candy bar either. I do remember unmarked STALE potato chips one year. The next year we toilet papered that house!

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    • A woman after my own heart- I love it. Also, what is with the peanut addition thing?? When I was in elementary school I think there was maybe one kid I had heard of with it- now its every second kid… anyway- I agree, more peanuts for us!

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  3. I moved to the US at 27 and left at 37, so I have limited experience, but I have to tell you, the rockets I loved and the peanut butter cups I hated (er…this is of course theft from the contents of my sons Halloween stash, I was not trick or treating at 30). So it seems you and I could have spent many a blissful Halloween together in our youth, switching out our candy!

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  4. Might be dating myself here, but I trick or treated in the era of apples and toothbrushes – none of which we ever used of course (razorblades in apples, toothbrushes lame). But I have to say I actually LIKED the Rockets, but would prefer other stuff, like the choco bars.

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    • Haha you’re not alone- my rant on rockets has actually been one of the most controversial things I’ve written to date! I guess in hindsight “waste of earth space” was a little strong… and toothbrushes?? That was definitely at the dentist’s house wasn’t it… what a buzz kill

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