Calling all Brain Donors..

"Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight? ".... "The same thing we do every night Pinky, try to take over the world".

Not all of us in life possess the same.. “capacities” ..if you will.  Some people, for example, have the ability to go all Russell Crowe in “A Beautiful Mind” and perform a series of Algorithms like nobody’s business. Others (not to mention any names) simply have the savant-like ability to tell you what Kim Kardashian wore to every red carpet event she ever attended (Kidding. I’m not kidding).

Recently I’ve been reading a collection of essays by Sloane Crosley called “How did you Get this Number?” (if you have never read her- check it out… she’s basically my hetero life-model) and in one of her essays, she tells the story of how when she was a child,  she was diagnosed with a spatial disorder where the right side of her brain permanently took a mental health day, leaving her unable to do certain things, like tell time on a clock,  or not get lost constantly.

This lead to some pretty hilarious encounters, but it also made me think about my own “cerebral deficiencies”. Or, to put it more bluntly: The Things I really Suck at.

"Alright brain- you don't like me, and I don't like you- but lets just do this, so I can get back to killing you with beer"

I enlisted my sister for assistance (because obviously I think far too highly of myself to ever be able to perform this exercise objectively) and we came up with the following short-list (although I’ll tell ya- narrowing it down was a bit of a  fun exercise in self-destruction in itself):

1. Coordination

When I first asked my sister this question, her immediate response was: “Well, coordination isn’t exactly your strong suit, honey”.  She’s got a point. Like Sloane, I too suffer from a bit of a spatial awareness problem. This has affected my life in a number of crippling ways. For example, I’m known to my family as “Spilly McSpills a Lot”, due to my propensity to spontaneously drop whatever it is I am holding; stairs are my nemesis; and my career as a competitive skier was cut tragically short after I careened into a tree during my first lesson.  This also has the potential of compromising my future “networking” opportunities, given that I will never, ever be able to git my shit together enough to play a round of golf. Guess I’ll just tag along anyway and  incessantly heckle my compatriots… that’ll work too.

2. Being Serious

Call it a “shield” – or maybe it’s a nervous tick- but  for some reason, I feel the need to work humor into everything. I use it to diffuse difficult situations (tell me your dog died- and I’ll be the first one to make a joke about it), or to entertain myself when things are dull. While this can be fun,  it also has its limits. It’s not a convenient problem to have, for example, when you work in a corporate environment, and your career depends on attending business lunches and engaging in (or at least not laughing at)  conversation topics such as “how many points the TSX dropped today“, or “that addition I just built onto my house for my swimming pool full of money”. In a situation where I can’t make a joke, I feel like my back is against the wall, and I proceed to sit there all mute-like, focusing on how I’m going to pronounce my fancy-sounding menu item without fucking it up. Fail. 

Come on Lloyd.. I'd be a way better boss than Ari

3. Administrative Life Tasks

My #2 goal in life (see my about page) is to be able to make enough money to hire my own personal assistant to do all of my inane, administrative life tasks for me. Preferably Lloyd from Entourage- but if he’s unavailable, I would also take any of Murphy Brown’s rejects, or Kris Jenner of course. Honestly guys- I’m really bad at it. It once took me 4 weeks to mail a letter. And that bad boy was already addressed, stamped and everything. This has gotta stop… now that I’m an adult I can’t really keep blaming the fact that my power got cut off on the concept of “the business day”.

4. Talking about feelings

I once had a friend who would say: “Let’s drink until we can’t feel feelings”. I liked this. Only, I would just as easily substitute any other verb for “drink”- just so long as it isn’t “talk”. Probably related to #2, I have an extremely difficult time talking about my feelings- so much so that when I have to, my skin starts  crawling, and I contemplate running out into oncoming traffic in order to avoid it.  I blame this partially on the fact that I come from a long line of feelings avoiders with a “suck-it-up” mentality. This makes us great at things like, coaching sports, and enduring extreme physical pain (which comes in handy at 6:00 a.m.), but unfortunately doesn’t score us very high on the “emotional intelligence” quotient of the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. Oh well, can’t win ’em all.

So, moral of the story here: Thanks, Sloane, for bringing to my attention the fact that I clearly need a brain donor. Or maybe just a lobotomy…  I think my future success depends on it.

Question of the Day: What part(s) of your brain have taken a perma vacation??


11 thoughts on “Calling all Brain Donors..

Add yours

  1. I think the mere fact that you’re so intelligent could literally wipe the rest away. The good thing is that you know what your weaknesses are, or perceived weaknesses and that you’d need help in certain areas! AT work? I have a horrible memory for certain things and I would definitely have an assistant when I own a business to help me with that. Because the reality is, the other trivial stuff I wouldn’t want to do. I would want to focus on the BIG Stuff… which is more fun.

    You know? I took that Myers Briggs test, it’s in a drawer over there… see it? LOL

    What parts of my brain have taken a permanent vacation. I’ll have to get back to you, it seems it’s not answering LOL 🙂


    1. Flattery will get you EVERYWHERE. I also wish I could just focus only on the “big stuff” in life … like blogging, and watching my PVR. I wonder if my fictional future assistant would end up resenting me if that’s all I did while he/she was out doing my bitch-work…..
      something to think about.


      1. hahaha! 🙂 So noted. Flattery. Gotcha.

        When I have a business, I like to focus on my files and the people. So, I would have someone do the bitch work, answer phones and all the things that would take time way from the really good productive stuff I need to be doing.

        I would blog all day if I could … my friend actually does, writes articles for people’s blogs, makes money for it too. But I think you’re talking more about your own blogging. So am I ! 🙂


  2. I like to call them “opportunities” rather than weaknesses baha… – but my brain just doesn’t want to grab the opportunity – I too have been supposed to mail a package for 5 weeks now, its all ready to go, but my brain just didnt get the message yet 😉


  3. I’m so glad other people have the same issue with mailing things! (this means you’ll understand if your birthday/ Halloween present doesn’t arrive on time). Bwahahaha!!

    Her birthday is on Halloween… Just an FYI for those who are following this blog 😉

    Have a great week, Breezy!


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