Humour / Life / Ranting

Turn Up the Good, Turn Down the Suck: Vol 2.

Back by popular demand and sh*t (Ok, so maybe there was  no actual  “demand” per se… but I’m just going to take your silence on this matter as a form of tacit acceptance) this Friday I bring you a second edition of Turn Up the Good, Turn Down the Suck (click here for Vol.1): A showcase of  a few of the things I am loving, and a few things that make me want to crawl into a hole and die a slow, painful death.

As a friend said to me in response to my last edition, “this is a good segment, because some things are always good, and some things always suck”. True that. This week, however, I’m doing things a bit differently. During one of our training exercises at work (i think it was “Micromanaging Effective Communication Synergies Effectively with Intuitive Flow Charts“) I learned that pieces of information are apparently best remembered/ received in threes…. like “lights, camera, action” “ready, set, go” ; “Kim, Kourtney, Khloe” (you getting tired of these Kardashian jokes yet? Cause I’mmmmm notttt) – So, taking that into consideration, I present to you what I like to call:

THE DOUBLE TRIFECTA OF GOODNESS AND SUCKINESS 

Translation: three things that are good. three things that suck.

Lesss go!

Turn up the Good:

1. The Return of Arrested Development 10 new episodes and a movie?? I am pretty sure I was so excited when I heard this news that  my symptoms paralleled a Lucille 2 inspired bout of vertigo… or that time this summer when I thought I  saw Jeffrey Tambor in the Montreal Airport. I did several, non-discreet walk-bys to confirm if it was him, the whole time trying to decide what I would say if I approached him. In my head, this would be a cool & collected encounter… I would be extraordinarily charming, sidle up beside him casually and say: “Jeffrey Tambor? Big fan of your work”… while I flipped my hair and batted my eyelashes. In reality, however it would probably end up sounding a little bit more like this:

“OMG JEFFREY TAMBOR I LOVE YOU!!!! OMG I love Arrested Development and you are by far my favourite Bluth* except for Oscar which is also you “Win Win” was underrated. I forgive you for being a scientologist because you were hilarious on Entourage  and OMG I JUST REALIZED YOU WERE SULLY IN “THERES SOMETHING ABOUT MARY!!!” 

*This is completely untrue.  Everyone knows Michael is the best Bluth.

I never did end up talking to him. In hindsight, its clear he was simply an angel,  not unlike Gabriel, foretelling me of the good news.  he did look sort of shiny.

2. Burrata Cheese:   WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? I recently had a pizza at the fancy-schmancy Italian Restaurant Buca that featured this cheese, and I loved it so much that I was prompted to ask the waiter “Um excuse me.. where did you get this cheese?? Heaven??”. I wanted to dip my entire life in its ooey gooey drippy goodness. Do it. As soon as you can.  

3. Movie Man Candy: Again this week, I must apologize to all of my male readers… but hot DAMN. Has anyone else noticed the overabundance of male hotness in movies as of late? So much so, that my friend and I have  instituted a “Hot Guy Movie Friday”, where we go to a new movie every friday featuring a hot guy. It’s possible. There are THAT many.  Ryan Gosling in “Drive” and with Clooney in “The Ides of March”… Brad Pitt in “Moneyball”.. Seth Rogan and Joseph Gordan Levitt in “50/50″…..Jason Statham- aka  the love of my life- in “Killer Elite”… ok, so this one looks terrible… but if Turkish is in it, I’m sure as hell going to see it.

Turn down the Suck:

1. Running on the Treadmill at 6:00a.m.  I have been waking up at 6am all week to get my run in before work, and have decided that what I am doing is basically “sleep-running”.  My entire body is numb throughout most of the process, and I would say I have a good 5-6 mini hallucinations before my 5k is through.  Sometimes I can’t believe that it is actually ME, voluntarily inflicting this world of hurt on myself, as opposed to some Karmic Superlord smiting me for all those times I made fun of ugly people. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like its the sort of behavior that should be featured on an episode of TLC’s “My Strange Addiction”.  The one good thing about all of this is that I get to watch Breakfast Television during it, and get all my breaking news for the day..  like this story about a zoo saving a bird named “Frasier the Crane” (<– see what they did there??)

2. Restaurants who try to be cool by having no visible sign:  I cannot explain to you the frustration of standing on the exact corner google maps told you to go to, and finding no restaurant where, by all accounts, a restaurant should be. You stand there, perplexed for a few minutes, until you see your friend coming around the corner, entering into what appears to be a run-down dungeon/speakeasy hybrid. You follow her at a distance, thinking that maybe you don’t know her as well as you thought.. until you find yourself smack dab in the middle of the restaurant you were supposed to meet your friends at. WTF??? How does anyone ever find this place?? What are we, in Harry Potter?? Did I just pass through platform 9 and 3/4 without even knowing it?? I am willing to give a bit of leeway here for the fact that in Toronto, there appears to be an inverse correlation between the size/visibility of the restaurant’s sign and it’s indie cred… but NO SIGN AT ALL?? That’s just bad business people.

3. Annoying Facebook Girl who posts daily inspirational  statuses .. Annoying facebook girl is becoming a bit of a feature here on TUTGTDTS (creating an acronym was a bad choice).  We all have them. That girl who posts feel-good inspirational statuses every day… like “when you wake up- just smile 🙂 ” or… “you must be the change you want to see in the world”. These people confuse me. But what perplexes me even more, is the incredible volume of people who “like” these posts, and leave comments. What are they THINKING??? I don’t think it’s possible for that many people to hit the “like” button by accident, so there must be some sort of explanation for this.  The other day, a girl on my facebook posted the following status:

“To be honest, I don’t mind two faced people. I’m sure most of us have more than two. The challenge is to use them wisely without hurting others in order to climb higher. You never know who you meet on your way down”.

35 PEOPLE LIKED THIS SHIT!!!

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here.

Question of the Day:  In your opinion, what else needs to “Turn up the Good” or “Turn down the Suck”  lately??

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16 thoughts on “Turn Up the Good, Turn Down the Suck: Vol 2.

  1. I like this segment 🙂 I do have to admit that I have been that annoying facebook girl as well, only I post motivating pictures. I went through an “FML” phase and everyone made fun of me so I turned it around.

    Can’t wait to see Ides of March 🙂

    Like

  2. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade… Or buy a bottle of tequila!

    … Thought that inspirational but might be fitting. Get it? You suck the lemons? We’re turning down the suck? But then, who in their right mind would turn down a shot if tequila when life sucks? The whole circular- thinking bit gets a little confusing after a while.

    In any case… I can attest to the fact that Bree wigged out a little in the airport on our way home from Croatia when she thought Jeffrey tambor was sitting at the gate with us. I, on the other hand, after a 15- hour flight and severe lack of sleep (which I do REALLY poorly on) was completely underwhelmed by the potential siting. Jason Bateman was the only thing that could pull me out of that funkified state. However, it was during the ” is it him? Is it HIM????!!!! Look closely!!” one- sided conversation that I heard little mildly interesting snippets about “new episodes” and “arrested development movie”. I came out of my fog enough to verify that, indeed, this was happening and it made me very happy.

    I just want to sign off with this gem:
    When life closes one window, another one opens.

    …I’m about to close this window and do some serious dvr catching up!

    Get it? Windows? We’re on the Internet…?

    Bwahahahahaha

    Like

    • That’s ok that you missed out on the Jeffrey Tambor thing. Not all of us can be visionairies. Maybe our trip to Medjugorje had more of an effect on me than I thought…. hmmm

      PS GREAT joke about the windows…really.

      Like

  3. Is the Arrested Development thing true?!?!!? Man, oh man. In crazed frenzy I typed into the url bar “google.comarrested development” and hit Enter. Upon receiving my notification that the url did not exist, I realized I needed to calm down and take a breath. Love that show!! I rewatch the episodes every three months or “quarterly” if we are speaking in a professional office setting.

    I will also agree that Jason Statham is a sexy bit of man. He is my shiny lunch box.

    Like

  4. I find people that post inspirational status updates are usually the people with most horrific of lives or people that just need a good near-death experience. That goes double for people that ever say, “I’m living life to its fullest.” I mean, how would they even know? It’s more like they should say, “Hey, I’m saying something really uplifting so I don’t fall down in the floor and cry because my life sucks so hard.”

    Like

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