I’m a Big Kid Now

So I got a little bit drunk last night. And not in a “teetering on her heels like an adorable little deer” sort of way… no, it was more of  the “bitch is belligerent and wants to start a fight” variety. I went to a Foster the People show, and distinctly remember picking a fight with a hipster kid who wouldn’t move out of my way, while verbally abusing him about his “stupid fucking glasses”. This is particularly ironic given the fact that just 2 days ago I was waxing blogetic about how “I’m not a particularly bitter or angsty person.”  I’m an enigma ,wrapped in a riddle ,wrapped in a vest my friends. 

Image from Wikipedia

Anyway.. needless to say, the majority of my day was spent in a semi-comatose state on the couch. Except for one brief visit to my friendly neighbourhood Asian nail salon.. where nobody but the owner speaks english, and they were playing an English dvd of the  show “Breaking Bad” with French subtitles. The whole thing was wigging me out a little, I’m not gonna lie. 

During all of this, I had a lot of time to think about the fact that tomorrow marks my first day as a real, live, full-fledged lawyer. I’m so woefully unprepared that I haven’t even bothered to dry-clean any of my suits, let alone peruse the business section of The Globe and Mail (*cough* in 4 months). I’m so screwed for cocktail parties.

I google imaged "Awkward Cocktail Party" and this picture came up. I thought it only right to include it.

Maybe its the booze blues, or maybe I’ve just been reading too many novels… but  I can’t help but feel a little bit sentimental and melancholy that I am on the cusp of beginning my professional career. Particularly, there are a few thoughts that keep running through my head:

  1. How did I get to this point?  
  2. What would I be doing with my life if I wasn’t a lawyer?
  3. I really wish the word “cusp” made me think of something other than teetering precariously on a narrow ledge before falling to my death….

So why don’t we indulge these questions? Let’s feel feelings for a little while, shall we?

How did I get to this point? AKA: The road, opposite of less, travelled.

Apparently it all started the day my parents brought me home. My grandmother, “Baba”, as we called her, famously held me for the first time, and prophesized in broken english that someday, I would be a lawyer  ( in the interest of full disclosure, the Croatian Nostradamus over there also said that my geologist brother would be a doctor; and my teacher sister would be a nurse… so I wouldn’t go betting the farm on that one).

I wish I could say my life trajectory had been more interesting – that I went on some sort of glamorous Parisian exchange in high school; or that I flunked out of university and had to beg the Dean to let me back in… But sadly, my life has followed a pretty dull and  predictable path. I went through life like I was checking off items on a to-do list: high school,undergrad, law school, articling, writing the bar exam.. check.check.check.check.check.

Looking back now, I wonder if  Baba’s decision that I was going to be a lawyer set off this whole series of events, leaving me with no choice in the matter. Telling me I could do anything I want after that would have been, to quote Nick Hornby, “like pulling the plug out of the bath and then telling the water it can go anywhere it wants”. Baba decided for me- and there was no other direction I could have taken. So thanks Baba, for ruining my ENTIRE LIFE. I kid, I kid (I’m not kidding)… my life ain’t so bad.. I could be living in a van down by the river. And I mean, I guess I have to cut her some slack due to the fact that she’s from a communist country and all, and that’s just the way shit worked over there. But COME ON, man…let a kid dream.  

What Could Have Been……

So yeah, if Baba hadn’t gone and stunted my development as a person, maybe my life would have turned out totally differently. I can’t help but wonder what else I might have been. Based on my neurotic childhood and current babysitting tactics, I might hazard such guesses as “Dictator”; “Army General”;  “Chess game timekeeper”; or “Committed to a Mental Institution”;  but if we put those aside and look at the remaining, non insane portion of my personality- it gets a little tougher.  I did my undergrad in Finance, and always thought I wanted to be some sort of hotshot stockbroker.. that way I could talk about “managing portfolios” and “internal rates of return” and impress people. Buuut I chose law instead, because I have a self-loathing issue there was more “variety” in it or some shit like that. I know they say the grass is always greener, but I do sometimes wish I had gone that route… I comfort myself in the fact that in my current job I don’t have to be surrounded by quite so many dudes with Scott Disick haircuts.

All of the other things I would want to be are so far removed from what I am actually doing that its sort of frightening. Like a makeup artist… or a stylist..  or in the entertainment industry, maybe on some sort of show about celebrities.. hey, it could still happen… look at  Harvey Levin from TMZ.. he’s a lawyer. I have big dreams of leaning over a half-wall and sipping on a travel mug all day in the near future.  


And as for that whole “cusp” thing….

Yeah, I’m pretty much screwed.

Question of the Day: What did you want to be when you grew up? Are you doing it? 

Are you “living your best life”, as Oprah would say? (oh god I think I just threw up a little in my mouth…..)


17 thoughts on “I’m a Big Kid Now

Add yours

    1. haha, this is a great post. If I were a Barbie, I think I’d be the “kind your government forces its companies to produce for dark-haired children that no one really wants” too. And yes- but could you HANDLE partying with me… It’s all kind of funny in retrospect… but I definitely bring the awkward to the party along with the laughs 😉


  1. Nice post, Bree! The belligerence due to drunkenness may well run in the family. I, too, had a few at a wine show yesterday and found myself being passively belligerent (oxymoron, I realize, but I managed to pull that off!) in regards to the poor form of the wine drinkers ahead of us. I found myself loudly saying to my friend Christine ( while facing the people I was referring to ) comments such as. Let’s move over here out of the way a bit so other people can get in to try this wine too! Get in and get out, people and if you see a long lost friend, please don’t squeal in that high- pitched nails against chalkboard kind of way cause No amount of wine can take the edge off that!! Just sayin’

    Oh- and FYI- baba proclaimed me to be the doctor… Not a nurse. Funny- talking about predestined paths. If she HAD said nurse instead if doctor, I may hAve been able to avoid the guilt complex that i now possess… Ahhh life!

    Have a good first week back at work!



    1. Somehow we still manage to be the same person even when we aren’t spending every waking minute together and are several provinces apart…..
      I just can’t quit you………….


  2. A doctor, and maybe I would have been a good doctor – I sure have my opinions on what’s wrong with everyone.
    Now I am an accountant. And it’s okay. It’s not hard and it pays okay. But I’d rather be a writer. And I get to be one via wordpress. So I guess I am a success.


    1. I thought about being an accountant as well! Oh, and of course I forgot to mention the writing thing… I would basically like to steal Sloane Crosley’s identity and continue my life as her… think she’d go for it?


  3. I just went with being a complete and utter disappointment to them (my family) early on, so anything I may do later is an improvement. Its a pretty good way to go, expectations are zero and applause is loud and mighty if I achieve anything at all! Good luck with your career


  4. Ahahahaha. Why are you so hilarious?!

    I wanted to be a writer, at some point. My family said I wouldn’t make any money. I said, “Eff that!” I decided to do it for fun. And therapy.

    Then, I decided I wanted to do something businessy, but make the world awesome. So far, I’ve had a bunch of crap jobs. A few good ones. And JUST landed what looks like the PERFECT one for me. I’ll be working with a non-profit org that does an annual bike-athon for cancer. WINNNNN! 😀

    Really, I wanna be a wife and mom, and work from home. Maybe in ten years? Yeah, let’s go with that…


    1. Congrats on landing the perfect job!! And I’m just gonna go ahead and ignore the fact that you are AGAIN rubbing in my face what a better person than me you are 😉


  5. Thanks for the afternoon laugh, lady. I am sitting in a swivel chair, again swiveling back and forth mindlessly while my hair hits my forehead while pretending to be a concierge when I should really be an elementary school principal or something. Life career choices are a real teeth kicker sometimes. Listen, go be a lawyer and be proud. If it doesn’t work out, do something else. I’ve done that a few times and am starting to think that I’m just not cut out for this fluorescent lit, cubicle walled, money driven kind of living. I should be a Sherpa in Nepal or a yoga instructor in Indonesia or something cool that impresses people with thoughts of impossibility. Anyway, I like your wit and spunk. Good luck with it all!



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