So I got a little bit drunk last night. And not in a “teetering on her heels like an adorable little deer” sort of way… no, it was more of the “bitch is belligerent and wants to start a fight” variety. I went to a Foster the People show, and distinctly remember picking a fight with a hipster kid who wouldn’t move out of my way, while verbally abusing him about his “stupid fucking glasses”. This is particularly ironic given the fact that just 2 days ago I was waxing blogetic about how “I’m not a particularly bitter or angsty person.” I’m an enigma ,wrapped in a riddle ,wrapped in a vest my friends.
Anyway.. needless to say, the majority of my day was spent in a semi-comatose state on the couch. Except for one brief visit to my friendly neighbourhood Asian nail salon.. where nobody but the owner speaks english, and they were playing an English dvd of the show “Breaking Bad” with French subtitles. The whole thing was wigging me out a little, I’m not gonna lie.
During all of this, I had a lot of time to think about the fact that tomorrow marks my first day as a real, live, full-fledged lawyer. I’m so woefully unprepared that I haven’t even bothered to dry-clean any of my suits, let alone peruse the business section of The Globe and Mail (*cough* in 4 months). I’m so screwed for cocktail parties.
Maybe its the booze blues, or maybe I’ve just been reading too many novels… but I can’t help but feel a little bit sentimental and melancholy that I am on the cusp of beginning my professional career. Particularly, there are a few thoughts that keep running through my head:
- How did I get to this point?
- What would I be doing with my life if I wasn’t a lawyer?
- I really wish the word “cusp” made me think of something other than teetering precariously on a narrow ledge before falling to my death….
So why don’t we indulge these questions? Let’s feel feelings for a little while, shall we?
How did I get to this point? AKA: The road, opposite of less, travelled.
Apparently it all started the day my parents brought me home. My grandmother, “Baba”, as we called her, famously held me for the first time, and prophesized in broken english that someday, I would be a lawyer ( in the interest of full disclosure, the Croatian Nostradamus over there also said that my geologist brother would be a doctor; and my teacher sister would be a nurse… so I wouldn’t go betting the farm on that one).
I wish I could say my life trajectory had been more interesting – that I went on some sort of glamorous Parisian exchange in high school; or that I flunked out of university and had to beg the Dean to let me back in… But sadly, my life has followed a pretty dull and predictable path. I went through life like I was checking off items on a to-do list: high school,undergrad, law school, articling, writing the bar exam.. check.check.check.check.check.
Looking back now, I wonder if Baba’s decision that I was going to be a lawyer set off this whole series of events, leaving me with no choice in the matter. Telling me I could do anything I want after that would have been, to quote Nick Hornby, “like pulling the plug out of the bath and then telling the water it can go anywhere it wants”. Baba decided for me- and there was no other direction I could have taken. So thanks Baba, for ruining my ENTIRE LIFE. I kid, I kid (I’m not kidding)… my life ain’t so bad.. I could be living in a van down by the river. And I mean, I guess I have to cut her some slack due to the fact that she’s from a communist country and all, and that’s just the way shit worked over there. But COME ON, man…let a kid dream.
What Could Have Been……
So yeah, if Baba hadn’t gone and stunted my development as a person, maybe my life would have turned out totally differently. I can’t help but wonder what else I might have been. Based on my neurotic childhood and current babysitting tactics, I might hazard such guesses as “Dictator”; “Army General”; “Chess game timekeeper”; or “Committed to a Mental Institution”; but if we put those aside and look at the remaining, non insane portion of my personality- it gets a little tougher. I did my undergrad in Finance, and always thought I wanted to be some sort of hotshot stockbroker.. that way I could talk about “managing portfolios” and “internal rates of return” and impress people. Buuut I chose law instead, because
I have a self-loathing issue there was more “variety” in it or some shit like that. I know they say the grass is always greener, but I do sometimes wish I had gone that route… I comfort myself in the fact that in my current job I don’t have to be surrounded by quite so many dudes with Scott Disick haircuts.
All of the other things I would want to be are so far removed from what I am actually doing that its sort of frightening. Like a makeup artist… or a stylist.. or in the entertainment industry, maybe on some sort of show about celebrities.. hey, it could still happen… look at Harvey Levin from TMZ.. he’s a lawyer. I have big dreams of leaning over a half-wall and sipping on a travel mug all day in the near future.
And as for that whole “cusp” thing….
Yeah, I’m pretty much screwed.
Question of the Day: What did you want to be when you grew up? Are you doing it?
Are you “living your best life”, as Oprah would say? (oh god I think I just threw up a little in my mouth…..)