Ain’t Got No Love For the Ding Dong?

So I know you’ve probably had enough of me after that long-ass diatribe I wrote last night about my experience at Sleep No More, but shockingly, I’ve got a few more things left to say.
Let’s just call this the “Friday Roundup of Randomness” shall we? (Or don’t, because that’s awful. )

1. Can we talk about Jamie Foxx hosting SNL last weekend?

JamieFoxx

Nailed it. From his monologue featuring 2 Chainz, to his portrayal as host of the game show “B*ttch, What’s the answer?” to his performance as a disgruntled Hostess Ding Dong, 2 thumbs way up.

2. I have no time for impatient people (<;;— see what I did there?). Especially the ones in line behind you at the grocery store who load all their stuff onto the belt and then push their empty carts alongside the register and edge you out completely as you're trying to pay. God FORBID you want to go back and get that package of mentos you've been eyeing, because face it buddy, you're f*cked now. You have nowhere to go but OUT.

3. My new favourite person to Twitter-stalk is Judd Apatow. Not only does he tweet back all of his fans, he posted like 100 self-pics from the This is 40 premiere. I’m working on the perfect tweet to him as we speak. I’m thinking something short, sweet, and to the point. i.e.:

“@juddapatow: Who’s Leslie?”

juddap

3. Instagram tells me that Lena Dunham and Aubrey Plaza are friends now.

aubreylena

WHY AM I NOT IN THIS PICTURE

4. I tuned into Real Housewives of New York the other night after a brief one-season hiatus. Apparently, I missed a lot. Like who are all these new b*tches? Where’s crazy Jill Zarin? And wtf is “Yummy Tummy”? Someone fill me in.

5. (This one I’m really excited about): My dad is coming to Toronto this weekend! Frequent blog readers know him as the crazy, reindeer print making husband of the even crazier neat freak/religious zealot that is my mother.. but I just know him as dear old dad. He’s in town for the Buffalo Bills game in Tdot on Sunday and we’re gonna paint the town red. (And by that I mean visiting the hockey hall of fame, going to church and eating at diners).

6. I wrote this post on my iPhone with my WordPress app. #sotechy

And finally, who wants to hear track 2 from my highly anticipated year in review mixtape??

EVERYONE? Ok, here it is:

Question of the Day: What are you doing this weekend? or, any random things to complain about?

P.S. for all you techies out there : in the words of Drunk Uncle: twitter me! Twitter me! @thecamellife
Or, holla at my Instagram: @breezyk1

Twitter: the 21st Century Haiku?

Writing a blog can be a bit of an invitation for self-doubt. I often find myself wondering: How much posting is too much? Too little? Will people think this is funny? Does anybody but me actually care about burrata cheese and D-List reality tv shows? 

One question in particular has been weighing on my mind since I began blogging:

To tweet? Or not to tweet?

I’ve noticed that a lot of other bloggers use twitter to advertise their blogs and get the word out, and this seems to be a pretty effective strategy. But I just can’t seem to get out of my own way on this one.  

I’ve always been scared of twitter. I don’t know what it is exactly- maybe its all those threatening looking hashtags with so many sharp angles… or the constant feeling of alienation I get from in-jokes formed through @ signs…  that’s not to say I haven’t tried to embrace it. In a momentary burst of bravery back in 2009, I signed up for a Twitter account. But I guess I got performance anxiety, because to this day I have not tweeted a single tweet. My account sat untouched for almost two years- until a few months ago when I discovered  you could follow celebrities. Side note: how had I not heard of this before?? I can’t believe I went so long without knowing that Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey’s favourite Jamba Juice is Acai with multi-vitamin boost (I should have guessed though, given her propensity to always “keep it real”).

Anyway. One of the things I worry about with Twitter is overexposure- that people will grow tired of hearing what I have to say if they are inundated with too many blasts. I never want to be lumped into the same category as that annoying facebook girl who updates her status everytime she goes to the bathroom. Plus, I’ll be honest- I’ve wondered  what is really worth saying in only 140 characters?

But then I stumbled upon One Forty Fiction.com, a website that encourages writers to send in their stories that are 140 characters in length or less for publication on the site.

 The website gave the following description:

“The name “one forty fiction” refers to the 140-character limit imposed on users by the online service Twitter. It is the 21st century haiku. Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry that consists of 3 metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables; a complete piece, rendered small. But poetry.”

I can’t tell if this is extremely profound, or extremely offensive to the Japanese, but in any event- some of these stories are pretty cool. If you can believe it, they all have a beginning, middle and an end- and pack a major punch in just a small number of words. 

This forced me to look at twitter in a different light. I had always thought of it as a form of self promotion; another byproduct of our confessional culture – but now here it is being suggested that tweeting is art form in and of itself.  Hmmm. If that really is the case, then I guess that goes a hell of a long way towards legitimizing the $10,000 Kim Kardashian is paid per tweet…. and I guess it also makes Ashton Kutcher’s publicist guilty of extreme poetic censorship. (not to mention a buzzkill. jeeze).

ok so this photo is somewhat (ok completely) gratuitous.. don't act like you don't like it

I’m not really surprised by all of this. In our day and age  there’s an increased pressure to be relevant, funny, and charming in a shrinking amount of space and time.  140 characters in a tweet. A sentence in a Facebook status. A 30 second audition for x-factor. 800 words in a blog post. 20 minutes in an interview. 15 minutes of fame. I guess it’s a kind of social media Darwinism- learn to be pithy, and to reduce yourself to tiny morsels that can be digested in a nanosecond; or step aside, Larry Longwinded, and be replaced by the 14-year-old speed texting champion from Illinois who has mastered the art of virtual shorthand. 

In the end, maybe  I’m no farther ahead on the age-old question of whether I’m going to grab the twitter bird by the wings and start  tweeting.. ..but in the meantime, I’ll just keep reading People.com gossip bites and Kanye West’s delusions of grandeur, and take comfort in the fact that at least I’ve thought about it for more than a nanosecond.

Question of the Day: How do you feel about Tweeting?

#cliché is the new funny

If any of you read my blog on a regular basis, you know that I am a big fan of using strikethrough text to get a few cheap laughs. Despite the fact that most of these involve me  confessing my “Stan”-like obsession love for Kim Kardashian, I still thought they went over pretty well. That was, until I read a post a few days ago by fellow blogger, AshleyJillian - where she said that “people who make jokes like this  are lame”.

LAME?

A million glitter ponies just burst into tears at the sound of my heart breaking. Here I thought I was being all witty and clever- and as it turns out I’m nothing but a big, fat, cliche.

I admire AshleyJillian’s opinion a lot- girlfriend is a legit comedian who actually gets on stage every night, rather than just cowering behind her computer screen.. and she usually gets it right (twins wearing matching outfits ARE lame, I agree) But my constant need for praise, and unwillingness to accept any type of criticism led me straight into the arms of my old friend google- the king of  always telling you what you want to hear- so long as you use the proper string of booleans.

I think google might have had it with reassuring me (given that my last search string was something to the effect of “Does wanting to see the new Twilight movie make me a loser??”) because the first hit that came up was  Cracked.com’s  list of the “Top 5 Overused Jokes on the Internet”.

Fuck.  There it was- #5 on the list :

Strike Throughs/Cross Outs“It is incredible to me that this comedic convention still persists. It goes a little something like this. You write down the truth that you’re hiding or the truth that you actually want to say, but can’t, and then cross it out. And just like that, comedy!”

My mind went into immediate damage control mode. OK- this is bad, I thought, but at least its not #1. What else is there?

#4. TMI/Thanks for Sharing:
“The old “Too Much Information/TMI” and its cousin, “thanks for sharing” are used by all sorts of horrible people who should never be allowed to reproduce sexually. But I see bloggers using it too by talking about people’s “TMI moments.” Even that annoys me. People keep saying it, but when was the last time anyone has laughed at it?
 
Ok this one I agree with- phew. (ignoring the fact that this is likely because I am always the one unknowingly giving TMI.. sin for me)
 
#3. _____. _____. Ever!
 
Why use italics or bold or, y’know, words, when you can just use too many periods? Waterworld? Worst. Movie. Ever!”
 
Strike two.
#2. Interwebz/Series of Tubes
the term “Interwebz” is a deliberately awkward mixture of Internet and the Web put in the plural form which is also awkard….. Bloggers use it incessantly. First it was annoying because much like TMI, the facetious use of the term implies that the writer is hip enough to know how to pronounce the Internet and understand what it does. Congratulations. My father is pushing 80 and recently installed all new drivers to run 64 bit programs. You’re awesome.
 
Guiltyyyy
 
 
#1. ______y Mc________
the device where you insult/describe someone, usually with an adjective ending in “y” and a noun with a “Mc” pre-fix…. it’s just too easy, and we’ve all used it just too damn much”
 
Yeah…. “Spilly McSpills a Lot” over here has heard of this one before. Le sigh. All these years I prided myself on making fun of the weak & the lame; and now, my friends, it  seems the Huntress- has become the HUNTED.  Oh well…. everyone loves a good cliche right??  No? Clearly trying to save face here? Ok fine. Ashleyjillian –it’s clear you need take me to your improv classes  and teach me your ways!  
 

Question of the Day: What other comedic devices are as tired as Tyra’s use of the word “fierce”?

At the very least- we all love to hate them. Personally, I can’t stand:

  • LOLZ- it took me years to embrace the acronym for “laugh out loud” - now they want me to pluralize that shit?  I’m gonna need some warming up on that one.
  • the use of twitter hashtags OUTSIDE of twitter- #itsannoying
 

 Read more: The 5 Most Overused Jokes On the Internet | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-5-most-overused-jokes-internet/#ixzz1bpzOWyLU