Friday Five

So it’s only my fourth day of consecutive posting, and I’m already exhausted. Remind me again why I signed up for this??

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Since writing a post about one coherent topic feels like A LOT right now, here instead are a bunch of random things I’ve been thinking about lately, all wrapped up under one alliterative title! Enjoy!

1. SNL

(and the amazingness that is BLERTA)

This past Saturday, SNL debuted for it’s 39th season; and because I’m kind of a loser die hard, I skipped out on a party to stay home and watch it. (Yes, I am aware I’m dying alone.)

Hosted by Tina Fey, it was the first episode in what has been dubbed a “rebuilding year” after the departure of Bill Hader, Fred Armisen, and mah boo Jason Sudeikis, and the addition of 6 new white guys cast members.

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Although I expected the night to be a total disaster, there were actually a few standout moments – like this parody of HBO’s “Girls” introducing Blerta, the Albanian refugee who keeps all those whiny white b*tches in check with her truth-telling. (and should 100% be made into a full-time cast member.. just saying).

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(Canadians can watch the full clip here)

Blerta is seriously my homegirl.

Side note: does anyone else remember those t-shirts?

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I bought one circa 2004 pretty much solely to shock my Catholic parents, and when I wore it I thought I was the SH*T. I also had a t-shirt with Jimi Hendrix’s face on it, despite never actually having listened to Jimi Hendrix. All of this serves as further proof that I am, in fact, a fraud.

2. Fall Weather

I hate to be one of those girls who just can’t S.T.F.U. about fall, but guys, I honestly can’t help it. October is f*cking amazing. Thanksgiving, Halloween, my BIRTHDAY, pumpkins, not sweating Whitney Houston styles on the subway every morning.. I mean, life really doesn’t get much sweeter than that.

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Plus, with this weather I am actually motivated to get out and run for a change. You see, since the Treadmill, Cold Weather and Too Hot Weather are BreezyK Public Enemies #1, 2 and 3, there is really only a short window of opportunity during which running doesn’t completely make me want to kill myself.

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Since we’re currently in the sweet spot, the other day, I decided to go for a run on the Lakeshore path in Toronto and it was glorious. I of course had to instagram it to show all of my friends how superior I am for exercising:

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And in doing so, nearly fell into Lake Ontario. Don’t ever let anyone tell you karma isn’t a b*tch, kids.

3. This

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4. The Return of Primetime TV

With the notable exception of Big Brother, it was a long, dry summer for TV up in here. I was seriously beginning to worry I was going to have to find a hobby or something… Or worse, actually leave my apartment.

On a weeknight?!

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Alas, I can continue my sloth-like ways, because all of my stories have returned to their rightful place inside my dream box. There’s

The New Girl,

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The Mindy Project

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Parks and Recreation, X FACTOR. I could go on. There are also a few new shows that I think might have potential- like Seth MacFarlane’s Dads starring Seth Green and Giovanni Ribisi, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, starring Andy Samberg as a wise-cracking cop.

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I can’t tell if it’s going to be good or garbage but I will support the co-creator of Laser Cats until the day I die.

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5. Fresh New Tracks

Besides just being the season where outfits look the best on me and my skin glows most luminous, fall is also an amazing season for music. Some of my favourite artists are out with new stuff, like Arcade Fire, and Drake (even though he jacked my outfit) as well as some cool new bands I hadn’t heard before, and I’ve got a few sweet concerts lined up. Here’s a track I’ve had on heavy rotation lately to help carry you into the weekend…..and also make you vaguely crave a pumpkin spice latte.

No? Just me on the latte then?

Question of the Day:

(get ready- because it’s a really deep one)

What’s your favourite season?

You Had Me At “Showstopper”

I bought something from The Shopping Channel the other day. I’m not proud of it. 

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Actually, f*&k that, I’m totally proud. It was a sweet-ass deal.

The incident occurred during a very frequent rare night in. I was sipping my Night Wine and flipping between “Guiliana and Bill” and “Dancing With The Stars” when something glittery and gold caught my eye.

Behold- the “So Status” watch and bracelet set –

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The newest piece by R.J. Graziano- jewellery designer TO THE STARS (uhhhh like MEL B., people), this gold (plated) multi-piece set was on for the “Showstopping” price of only $69.99! That’s almost 50% off regular price! Obviously I needed this pre-packaged elegance in my life.

I’ll admit, I was a little nervous about buying a “luxury” item from a TV infomercial, but I told myself that if it was good enough for Scary Spice, then it was good enough for me.

shop3 I quickly logged online, created a profile and after agreeing to just 3 easy payments of $23.33 (interest free maaaahf*ckas!) my instant glamour was on its way. 

As I waited for my package to arrive, I started receiving daily e-mails from The Shopping Channel featuring the day’s “Showstopper” deal. The products piqued my interest, if only because they were so incredibly random.

There was a Wolfgang Puck cookware set:

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Egyptian cotton sheets: 

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One VERY special Joan Rivers Collection Houndstooth Signature Blazer

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* Available in FOUR DIFFERENT SHADES OF HOUNDSTOOTH!

…. and if Old Lady Chic isnn’t your thing, what about these luxurious drapes? (With Beaded tiebacks!!!)

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…. or how about this thermal back pain pack?

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Oh, and don’t forget the fur-trimmed Mukluks!!

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I started questioning  just what target demographic The Shopping Channel was trying to achieve here. A glamorous Octogenarian housewife with a penchant for entertaining, chronic back pain, and a love of comfortable/yet stylish footwear? Sounded about right. 

Anyway, despite their complete and total irrelevance to my life, I found myself actually considering buying each day’s Showstopper because it was such an “amazing deal”. Didn’t I need new sheets anyway? And I’d been meaning to get into cooking ……Who cares if I have no outfits that go with fur-trimmed Mukluks? At this price, I could afford to buy more!

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Needless to say, my virtual shopping cart continues to pile up at an alarming rate, and I’m beginning to feel the weight of all of those compounded “easy” payments. Clearly there is some sort of void deep down inside me that I’m trying to fill with material things, but in my own delusional way, I completely blame The Shopping Channel and their genius marketing for all of this. I mean, guys.. these deals are for a LIMITED TIME ONLY!!! 

I know an easy solution would be simply to unsubscribe from the newsletter, but I can’t help but feel FOMO that I’m passing up on the next really sweet deal. At some point, I’m probably going to need a shop-tervention- but in the meantime, I’ll just be rocking my Houndstooth blazer, sleeping on Egyptian Cotton and feeling up my fancy-ass drapes in the corner. 

Question of the Day: Have you Ever

bought anything from TV?

How did it turn out? 

10 Inventions From Pop Culture I Wish Were Real

Few films have left such a lasting impact on my life as the 1999 cult classic Office Space.

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Not only are its characters hilarious and its lines highly quotable, its tongue-in-cheek (yet painfully accurate) depiction of corporate culture continues to haunt me in my day-to-day life.

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Anyway, while catastrophizing about my life the other day, I was reminded of one of my favourite anecdotes from the film-  the “Jump To Conclusions Mat”.

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Conceived by the bumbling Tom Sizemore, the Jump to Conclusions mat was, quite simply, a mat that you put on the floor with different CONCLUSIONS that you could JUMP TO.

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I wished I had a jump to conclusions mat myself. Things would be so much simpler (especially if I landed on “moot!” every time).

All of this got me thinking: what other inventions from popular culture would I love to see come to life?  

1. The Delorean Time Machine

Back To The Future

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Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.

Man, what I wouldn’t give to go back in time. On second thought-  I don’t know if I could handle the responsibility. What if it was like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer time travels through a toaster and Ned Flanders becomes dictator of the universe? Or we all end up with giant lizard tongues? Actually, the lizard tongues would be kinda cool. One Delorean, please.

2. Transporter

Star Trek

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Oh, the places I would go with a Transporter.

……Mostly to Sephora and the bulk candy store down the street… but still, Beam me up, Scotty!

3. Mind Control Device

Family Guy

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The brainchild of diabolical toddler-genius Stewie Griffin, this ingenious device allows its holder to completely control the mind of anyone within aiming vicinity.

While Stewie used his  in an elaborate scheme to kill his mother, I’d use mine for much more benevolent purposes…. like convincing all of my coworkers to bring me cupcakes. Mmm. cupcakes.

4. Invisibility Cloak

Harry Potter

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Because I’m inherently 7 years old, I often think about what I would do if I could be invisible for a day. Eavesdropping, sneaking onto international flights and stealing expensive items are all high on my list; but more importantly, I’d probably just pull a lot of people’s pants down.

5. The Transformation Chamber

Family Matters

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Like Steve Urkel’s debonair doppleganger Stefan Urquelle,
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I like to think I have an alter ego inside me just waiting for a Transformation Chamber to come out as well. Her name is Breeyoncé, She is a 5’11 Spanish pop star/diplomat/fugitive who is wanted in several countries for her suggestive on-stage dancing. Recently divorced from Charlie Sheen, she bides her time as Karl Lagerfeld’s muse and has a taste for expensive champagne and wealthy Italian race car drivers. She also rarely sweats, has long, thick, luxurious hair, and never feels awkward at cocktail parties.

6. The Lazy Man Toilet Chair

The Simpsons

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This spectacular device was created by Homer as a way of going to the bathroom while watching TV; because, as he rightly proclaimed, going upstairs is  “the hardest thing in the world.”  I feel you, Homer- and applaud your ingenuity- even if it is really gross.

7. The Hair Helmet

Flight of the Conchords

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While this invention might not be as useful as, say, a teleporter or time-travelling DeLorean,  I still think I’d look pretty bad-ass riding around Toronto in one of these puppies.

Especially if worn in conjunction with Brett’s other inventions: the “camera phone”

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……….and gloves that look like hands.

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8. Everything by Kramerica Industries

Ah Cosmo Kramer. One of the most inventive, yet misunderstood minds of our generation. How could I choose just one invention when we’ve got:

  • The Coffee Table Book about Coffee Tables

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  • the Mansiere (or “the bro”)

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  • the pizza restaurant where you make your own pie

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  • cologne that smells like the beach; and last but definitely not least:
  • Fusilli Jerry
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“I chose Fusilli… because you’re silly”

9. Neutralyzer

Men In Black 

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When you say and do as many awkward things as I do, having a device to easily eradicate others’ memories of your ridiculousness sounds pretttty pretty good. Especially if it comes with a side of Will Smith.

10. The Cornballer

Arrested Development 

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Invented by George Bluth in the mid-1970s,  the Cornballer is.. well, a device used to make cornballs.

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It was made illegal after it was found to cause serious burns, however George continued to market it in Mexico with the help of Richard Simmons.

3rd degree burns or no 3rd degree burns, cornballs are damn delicious. I could use one of these bad boys in my life.

Question of the Day:

What fictional invention(s) do you wish were real?

10 Lessons From TV Moms

A wise woman once said, “It takes a village to raise a child”.

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That, and “You can never have enough pantsuits”

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…but we won’t hold that against her. 

In honor of this maxim (the village, not the pantsuits), this Mother’s Day, I’ll be celebrating not only to my own mom, but also all of the amazing TV moms who helped raise me. Claire Huxtable, Elyse Keaton, Vivian Banks, Kitty Foreman-  where would I be without all of their sage advice, no-non sense attitudes and witty one-liners? (Well, maybe a little more well- read. But that’s beside the point.)

Here, with the help of a few GIFS, are 10 lessons I learned from TV moms: 

1.    Stand Up For Yourself

…. you show those b*tches who’s boss 

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2. You only have one family, so you might as well make the most of it.

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3. Not everything that’s good for you is fun

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4. Don’t worry so much about your appearance

………..You can have a harelip, crunchy bangs, or look like Mama June and someone will still love you.

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5. It’s Important To Always  Be a Lady

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6. Every once in a while, you need to eat a piece of humble pie

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……………….Unless of course you’re Tina Fey

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7. Choose your friends wisely

…….because apparently, everyone is an asshole

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8. Don’t ever forget where you came from

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9. And When it comes to boys….

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But if you really can’t help yourself…

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And when you find that special someone… 

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10. Don’t be afraid to let loose every once in a while:

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… and when all else fails,

Sometimes, you need something a little stronger

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Happy Mother’s Day!!

Question of the Day: Who Is Your Favourite TV Mom?

Throwback Thursday: Where Are They Now?

I’m a sucker for a good Friends re-run.  Anytime I hear an episode playing, or catch a glimpse of it on TV, I automatically feel compelled to watch it.

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It’s like I’m being pulled by some sort of centrifugal force. Kind of like how Kramer felt about Mary Hart…. only exactly the opposite.

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Anyway, the other day I found myself watching an episode;  and as the iconic theme song filled the room, and my heart with nostalgia, I got to thinking about The Rembrandts.

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Remember them? They had a massive hit back in 1995 with the mind-numbingly awful yet unbelievably catchy ”I’ll Be There For You” , but what have they done since?

A quick Google search informed me that The Rembrandts (otherwise known as Phil Solem and Danny Wilde) had one other hit: the emo slow jam “That’s Just the Way it is (Baby”). Apparently, however, the stress of 2 hit songs was too much for them, and they split up shortly thereafter. Solem wanted to concentrate on his own band Thrush, while Wilde released his own solo album.

Both of these solo efforts met with about as much success as David Schwimmer’s movie career:

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So they eventually got back together in 2000, and have since released about 17 greatest hit(s?) albums. They also  write and produce music for other really current and relevant bands, like The Gin Blossoms. Other than that, I think they’re probably just busy hot oiling their hair, wearing round sunglasses, and cashing in on all their Friends royalties.

Syndication, baby! Ca-Ching! $$

Syndication, baby! Ca-Ching! $$

Incidentally, that episode also guest-starred Jennifer Grey as Barry’s fiance, Mindy. Obviously I needed a little refresher on what Baby was up to as well.

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Well, apparently that nose job wasn’t so “career ending” after all because home girl won Dancing with the Stars in 2010 and is now starring in lifetime movies! Holla!

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Take that, haters!

All of this got me thinking back to some other forgotten has-beens celebrities from my past.. like:

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Canadian ladies of my vintage will undoubtedly remember the hot mess of seashell necklaces, spiky hair and sub-par vocals that was B4-4.

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The band, which consisted of Toronto twins Ryan and Dan Kowarsky and their friend Ohad Einbinder,  hit it big in 2000 with their single “Get Down”:

WARNING: This video contains scenes some viewers might find disturbing. Like Orange and yellow parachute pants.. and Mank Tops.

I never heard much of them after this, but Wikipedia tells me that they went on to become a giant hit in Germany.

David Hasselhoff and B4-4? Germany, I may never understand you.

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They also used their fledgling celebrity status for a good cause by promoting an anti- frosted tips Smoking Campaign for the European Union alongside Moby.

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The band broke up shortly thereafter, and Ryan and Dan decided to branch out on their own and form the inventively named pop/opera duo “RyanDan” .

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I just can’t even.

According to the RyanDan website, they are releasing a new album soon. Get ready ladies!!

And as for Also-ran (I mean, Ohad Einbinder), apparently he works in music production now and developed a pair of headphones that transform into a boombox. Watch out for the film adaptation in 2014 starring Shia Labeouf.

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Natalie Imbruglia

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The Australian sensation had a giant hit here in North America in 1997 with her song “Torn”, which I was legitimately obsessed with back in grade 6.

I made an entire mixtape of it just this song, and listened to it so much that my mom and dad tried to impose a two-times-a-day limit. I also got my hair cut just like hers; failing to consider that the effect might be slightly different on a prepubescent, mildly overweight 12-year-old than on an Australian pop star.

Once I had my haircut, I would put on my matching grey hoodie and Chinese print tee, set my mixtape to “play” and lip sync in front of the mirror for hours. I had all the moves from the video down pat.. which mostly involved flailing my arms around and looking distressed.

This was not a proud time in my life.

So what has she been up to since? Well, apparently she was a judge on Australian X-factor and was married to Daniel Johns from Silverchair, but is now divorced. Currently, she is an  unsigned artist.

I also stumbled across her Instagram the other day, which didn’t tell me much, except that she has long hair now, and really likes Koala Krisp:

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Damn, that b*tch looks good in anything. Off to buy my own box of cereal and mimic this pose.

Question of the Day: Any forgotten celebs you’re wondering about?

(I’ll save you the 30 seconds and Google them for you)

The 5 Most Annoying Celebrities of 2012

With the Holiday season quickly drawing to a close and 2013 fast approaching, the internet is ablaze with “2012 year in review” posts. My favourite, of course, being the ones about annoying celebrities.

And since the 100 scotch cookies I’ve eaten over the past week have completely turned my brain to mush (that’s right, mom. I found your secret stash. muhahaha), I figured I’d weigh in with my own list of utterly unbearable celebrities in 2012.

1. Bethenny Frankel

I love hate to be gratuitously mean here, but there is just something about Bethenny Frankel’s face I really don’t like. Actually, it’s everything about her face. And her voice. And her personality.

via People.com

I feel sort of bad harping on her, since her made-for-tv marriage just broke up and everything, but I really can’t help it. She just grinds my gears. Bethenny please, for the love of God, pack up your 8 TV shows, cookbook collection and SkinnyGirl Margaritas (which are gross, by the way) and just go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it’s not in my living room.

2. Lindsay Lohan

Oh, Lilo. It’s just a sin, really. There’s not much I can say here that hasn’t been beaten to death already..so instead I’ll just focus this portion of the post on the travesty that is her hair extensions.

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I mean, really, Linds. I know you’ve been experiencing some financial difficulties as of late, but couldn’t you just pawn a stolen fur or something and get yourself some new ‘stensions? It’s the least you could do after making us sit through Liz and Dick. Plus, that nasty weave of yours sure as hell ain’t inspiring no confidence in any judges. Trust me. I know these things.

3. Rihanna & Chris Brown

If you, like me, have made the mistake of following BadgalRiRi on Twitter or Instagram, then you already know what I’m talking about. Her newsfeed, which, at the best of times, is a schizophrenic combo of ganja posts, half-naked selfies and “inspirational mantras”, has recently played host to her grade 8 style make-up/break-up/meltdown cycle with Chris Brown.

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Plus this whole Karreuche Tran love triangle element. RiRi seriously needs to pull a Mary J Blige, cut the drama, and stick to doing what she does best: writing killer pop songs and performing them in front of Windows Screensavers on SNL.

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Work that screensaver, girl

4. Honey Boo Boo

Y’all know I have shockingly low standards when it comes to my reality-tv (Ex-Wives of Rock, anyone?), but even I draw the line at Honey Boo Boo.

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Never has anything so mentally and physically repulsed me within a 30 minute time period. Except for maybe my performance on the treadmill yesterday. But let’s not talk about that.

From the gourmet ‘sketti dinners, to the Go Go Juice, to Mama June’s “forklift foot” (for the love of God, do NOT google this), I just can’t even. It’s actually shocking to me how spoiled and ill-behaved this child is. The last thing homegirl needs is a renewed contract. What she really needs is a speech pathologist.

5. Tom Cruise

This one is also kind of gratuitous, because Tom didn’t really do anything in particular to piss me off in 2012; besides get his “heart broken” spectacularly. I just kind of can’t stand him. His voice. His smile. His glibness. I mean, just look at him:

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Leave the “charmingly befuddled” thing to Hugh Grant, would you Tom?

There is a Scientology building in Toronto, and whenever I pass by it I like to imagine it as a 24-hour “Tom Cruise New Wife” screening centre. I always do a quick scan of the entrances for tall, endomorph midwestern girl next-door-types. No luck yet, though. They must be hiding them well.

Phew. Ok. End rant. I feel I can enter 2013 marginally less bitter now. Marginally.

Question of the Day: What celebrities do you find the most annoying?

My Crazy Obsession

Don’t worry guys- this post isn’t about me. Otherwise the word “obsession” would for sure have been pluralized.

It’s actually about the tv show of the same name that premiered on TLC this week.  Like such other quality TLC programming as My Strange Addiction , Hoarding: Buried Alive, Extreme Couponing, and John and Kate Plus 8 before it, My Crazy Obsession aims to secure ratings and provide an exceptional experience for the viewer by exploiting those with seriously effed up psychological problems.

I question the continued use of the word "learning" in this acronym.

According to the TLC website:

My Crazy Obsession pulls back the curtains to reveal some of the nation’s most extreme and unique obsessions. The series takes viewers behind-the-scenes of homes that are dedicated entirely to the owners’ infatuation with various objects, people, or lifestyles.

These individuals go to great lengths to preserve the quality and authenticity of their jaw-dropping possessions and daily routines — and, for the first time, they’re allowing cameras to document their secret world of unbelievable, one-of-a-kind treasures and sometimes bizarre, never-before-seen habits and rituals.

Why would I be watching this, you might ask? (Or not, because it’s entirely predictable I would be watching this). Well, I’ve been battling flu-like symptoms for the past few days, and have had no energy to do anything but lie semi-comatose on the couch and send my friends 87,000 text messages about sh*t they don’t care about. So when this show came on tv, I had to make a decision: use my last scrap of energy to change the channel, or lift that last Lindor chocolate into my mouth. Guess what won out. It was either blog about this,  or Cat Crazed, the documentary about the feline over-population crisis that I also watched. You tell me whether I made the right choice.

Anyway- the first episode centred around a couple in their 50′s who are obsessed with Cabbage Patch Kid Dolls. Yes, you read that correctly. And from here on out, I won’t be using the “d” word anymore, because obviously, they are real children.

"Yo, what up boo... it's Kevin.. yah, just here with my dad."

This couple has over 5,0000 “kids” and has even built a 6,000 sq. ft. house just to hold them all (which is 6x the size of their own double-wide, I might add). They even treat their very first doll “Kevin”, like their actual child. EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE THEIR OWN GROWN CHILDREN!!! Kevin gets to go on all family trips and has playdates with other “kids”… Bitch even gets an ALLOWANCE. (Please leave your guesses in the comment section as to what he spends this on). Just watch the video below- your eyes will have the sads for the first 30 seconds, but it’ll be worth it, I promise:

I hate myself a little for watching this- but I just can’t stop.  Akin to watching a train-wreck, I just can’t turn my eyes away.

Obviously there’s something to it though- TLC has hit the ratings gold-mine by producing a series of shows that exploit dysfunctional famewhores with a CQ (crazy-quotient) of 175 or higher. For some unknown reason we get off on seeing people obsessed with eating drywall, planning their Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, or keeping every newspaper that ever was issued in their lifetime. 

I can’t really put my finger on exactly what the allure is- it could be curiosity, voyeurism, or simply a desire to feel better about our own lives by comparison. Whatever it is- it’s definitely twisted. But I for sure know I’m going to tune in next week to see the dude who collects mannequins (he prefers them to real people!) and the woman with a 2,000 deep wig collection. Cause let’s face it- that’s just quality tv right there.

Question of the Day: Do you watch any of these shows? What do you think the allure is?

January TV: Honourable Mentions and The Ones to Avoid

So, I know the other day I graced all your inboxes and bookmark reels (I flatter myself) with a list of the top 8 shows I’m looking forward to this January- but there are just so many great shows coming up, I couldn’t help but add a few more. (Caption Obvious says: So then why didn’t you just make it a top 10 list in the first place, BreezyK? Answer: because intuitiveness is not my strong suit. Plus, I didn’t want to make Letterman look bad.)

Anyway, here are a few shows coming up this season that I think deserve an honorable mention, some that may have potential (touch and go) , and a few others I would recommend avoiding like the plauge.. or Lindsay Lohan in a hot tub. Eww communicable diseases.

Honourable Mentions:

Luck (HBO, January 29)

This new HBO drama centers around the world of horse racing, and stars some serious heavy hitters like Dustin Hoffman, Dennis Farina and Nick Nolte. It looks like it could have some serious potential… plus I’m just happy for the ol’ Hoff that he’s actually doing something good again. Things went a little wayward there for a while with all that Little Fockers and Kung Fu Panda business.

House of Lies (Showtime, January 8)

Don Cheadle is an amazing actor. Whether he’s garnering Academy Award noms for starring in genocide dramas, or tearing it up as Captain planet, you basically know it’s gonna be bomb. That’s why I’m excited about his new comedy on showtime, which follows a group of cut-throat management consultants who will do anything to get a deal done. It also stars Kristen Bell., who won me over in Forgetting Sarah Marshall ( that “When in Rome” blip with Josh Duhamel excluded) . Here’s the trailer

Touch and Go

These shows might take off- or might crash and burn- only God (and maybe the Mayans) know:

Betty White’s Off their Rockers (NBC, January 16)

A new hidden camera show, hosted by Betty White, where senior citizens play pranks on unsuspecting youngsters. I’m usually not a fan of hidden camera shows (what is this, 1975??), but I do love me some Betty White. I couldn’t find a good preview to post- so instead, I’ll just post a link of the timeless and amazing Rose Nylund, explaining how they play Monopoly in St. Olaf: (cause that’s the same thing)

Alcatraz (Fox, January 16)

A new drama on Fox about a homicide detective whose investigation leads her to Alcatraz, and its deep, dark past. If you like mystery/dramas, and shows like Prison Break- then this might be for you. But the acting looks a little touch and go, plus I’m probably just way too much of a fraidy-cat to actually watch it. (Let’s be honest, I thought Harry Potter was scary).

Avoid at all costs:

Work It (ABC, January 3)

The new ABC sitcom where two men dress as women to get jobs at a pharmaceutical company, after discovering that the recession is actually a “mancession” (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth).  Not only is this show angering LGBT rights groups in America, it’s also just angering my senses with its damn stupidity.

Oprah’s Next Chapter (OWN, January 1)

I’m probably gonna get a lot of flack for dissing Oprah’s new interview show from her legions of fans..but c’mon guys. Seriously?  enough’s enough. Hey Oprah- just because you’re not sitting in a chair anymore doesn’t mean you’re still not doing the EXACT SAME THING. Plus, I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to call it a “retirement” when you don’t actually RETIRE.

PS Does anyone else find it lame that George Lucas has named his place “Skywalker Ranch”? no? just me?

Question of the Day: What other shows are you looking forward to/ would rather sit through a Twilight saga marathon than watch this winter?

8 New TV Shows I’m Excited For This January

Well- 2011 (much like my girl Kim K’s short-lived marriage) is quickly coming to an end- and while we could be depressed about the years of our lives quickly slipping by (or the fact that  “tiger blood” made the top 10 twitter hashtags of 2011), instead why not look forward to all of the exciting things to come in 2012? Like some really great tv.

Frequent readers of The Camel Life already know that I love me some teev, and that  my PVR gets more action than a Michael Bay flick(or at least more action than me)- but this January it’s going to be doing double duty trying to catch all of these awesome new shows.. it’s like Christmas in January! (too soon?) So without further adieu I present to you 8 (because 8 is way better than 10) TV shows I’m excited for premiering this January:

1. Are you there, Chelsea? (NBC, January 11)

I’ve recently started watching Chelsea Lately (yes, mostly because it’s on right after Kim and Kourtney take New York) and man – that Chelsea Handler is one bad-ass, hilarious bitch. That’s why I’m excited for this new sitcom, based on her 2008 book of the same name. It stars Laura Prepon (aka Donna from That 70′s Show) and Chelsea herself in a supporting role. Looks like it might be a #winner. Aaaah damn you twitter!

2. Angry Boys (HBO- January 1, 2012)

I’ve talked about this show before on the Camel Life- but I’m hella excited for it, and thought it deserved another mention. Angry Boys is the new HBO comedy series from Chris Lilley, creator and star of the hilarious “Summer Heights High,” (Mr. G? Polynesian pathways? I die), which debuted on HBO in 2008. Shot in mock documentary style, the show explores the lives, dreams and aspirations of males in present-day society, spotlighting six characters, all portrayed by Lilley, from a pair of 17-year-old twin boys in Australia to a 24-year-old Los Angeles-based rapper. The series has already received widespread praise in Australia- and if its anything like Summer Heights High I know it’s gonna be a huge hit here too..after all, as Ja’mie would say: boys are so randommmmm.  Here’s a sneak peek of the first episode:

3. American Idol, Season 11 (Fox, January 22)

I’ve said it before- I’m a sucker for American Idol. I can’t help it. I get all tingly inside every time I hear those contestant sob stories, and watch as one by one they all conquer adversity. Plus, who doesn’t like watching  people make  fools of themselves on National Television?? (Alright, so really I just want to see all of J.Lo’s pretty outfits. Is that so wrong?)

4. Mr. D  (CBC, January 9)

I first fell in love with Canadian comedian Gerry Dee when he was a contestant on  NBC’s Last Comic Standing back in 2007. Over the next few years I watched him go from appearing in  KFC commercials; to selling out comedy shows at Yuk Yuk’s, to now starring in his very own show.  Though I normally cringe at most original CBC programming (Little Mosque on the Prairie? need I say more?) - this one actually looks pretty good:

5. Napoleon Dynamite: The Animated Series (Fox, January 15)

Who didn’t love the 2004 cult classic Napoleon Dynamite? It’s only like, the best comedy ever (like anyone could even know that). Well good news for all you fans out there- this January, Napoleon, Kip, Uncle Rico ,Pedro, and the rest of the original cast are back in a new animated series on Fox. If you like stupid comedies, and fox classics like Family Guy, American Dad, and King of the Hill- then this one’s for you.

6. The Bachelor: Season 16  (ABC, January 2)

If the next bachelor, Ben Flajnik, didn’t steal your heart as the runner up on Ashley’s season of the Bachelorette- then you must be a cold, heartless b*tch. Just kidding. Sort of. A wine maker with a sexy haircut, rock hard abs, and  a dead dad (which by default means he’s sensitive)… what’s not to love? Plus this season’s contestants look legit crazy – guaranteed to make for some quality TV.

7. Project Runway, All Stars (Lifetime, January 5)

I know every reality series and their purse dogs are doing an “All stars” season (ANTM, Top Chef, etc), but I’m still pretty excited for the return of Austin Scarlett, Mondo Guerra, and of course Michael Kors’ classic one-liners (e.g. “that outfit looks like something Peter Brady would wear to an Autumn Harvest“).  I can’t get a clip of the upcoming season since I live in the remote location of CANADA (first groceries by charter plane, now this??), so instead I’ll give you a clip of good ol’ MK LOLing at some poor contestant’s cut-out bathing suit ensemble:

8. The Firm (NBC, January 12)

Maybe this is my lawyerly nerdiness coming through, but I’m  excited for the new NBC drama based on the 1991 John Grisham novel, and the 1993 film. The show stars Josh Lucas as Mitch McDee  (also known as Reese Witherspoon’s love interest in Sweet Home Alabama… aka the best movie of all time) and, more importantly, a recurring role by Canadian comedian Shaun Majumder- or Raj Binder from This Hour Has 22 Minutes… ummm big deal alert

So there you have it friends- lots of quality programming for you to enjoy this January! Or, if none of this looks appealing to you- you could always just watch footage of Siku, the worlds cutest Polar Bear, on a continuous loop:

awwww.

Question of the Day: What shows are you excited for this winter?