A wise woman once said, “It takes a village to raise a child”.
That, and “You can never have enough pantsuits”
…but we won’t hold that against her.
In honor of this maxim (the village, not the pantsuits), this Mother’s Day, I’ll be celebrating not only to my own mom, but also all of the amazing TV moms who helped raise me. Claire Huxtable, Elyse Keaton, Vivian Banks, Kitty Foreman- where would I be without all of their sage advice, no-non sense attitudes and witty one-liners? (Well, maybe a little more well- read. But that’s beside the point.)
Here, with the help of a few GIFS, are 10 lessons I learned from TV moms:
1. Stand Up For Yourself
…. you show those b*tches who’s boss
2. You only have one family, so you might as well make the most of it.
3. Not everything that’s good for you is fun
4. Don’t worry so much about your appearance
………..You can have a harelip, crunchy bangs, or look like Mama June and someone will still love you.
5. It’s Important To Always Be a Lady
6. Every once in a while, you need to eat a piece of humble pie
I’m a sucker for a good Friends re-run. Anytime I hear an episode playing, or catch a glimpse of it on TV, I automatically feel compelled to watch it.
It’s like I’m being pulled by some sort of centrifugal force. Kind of like how Kramer felt about Mary Hart…. only exactly the opposite.
Anyway, the other day I found myself watching an episode; and as the iconic theme song filled the room, and my heart with nostalgia, I got to thinking about The Rembrandts.
Remember them? They had a massive hit back in 1995 with the mind-numbingly awful yet unbelievably catchy ”I’ll Be There For You”, but what have they done since?
A quick Google search informed me that The Rembrandts (otherwise known as Phil Solem and Danny Wilde) had one other hit: the emo slow jam “That’s Just the Way it is (Baby”). Apparently, however, the stress of 2 hit songs was too much for them, and they split up shortly thereafter. Solem wanted to concentrate on his own band Thrush, while Wilde released his own solo album.
Both of these solo efforts met with about as much success as David Schwimmer’s movie career:
So they eventually got back together in 2000, and have since released about 17 greatest hit(s?) albums. They also write and produce music for other really current and relevant bands, like The Gin Blossoms. Other than that, I think they’re probably just busy hot oiling their hair, wearing round sunglasses, and cashing in on all their Friends royalties.
Syndication, baby! Ca-Ching! $$
Incidentally, that episode also guest-starred Jennifer Grey as Barry’s fiance, Mindy. Obviously I needed a little refresher on what Baby was up to as well.
Well, apparently that nose job wasn’t so “career ending” after all because home girl won Dancing with the Stars in 2010 and is now starring in lifetime movies! Holla!
Take that, haters!
All of this got me thinking back to some other forgotten has-beens celebrities from my past.. like:
B4-4
Canadian ladies of my vintage will undoubtedly remember the hot mess of seashell necklaces, spiky hair and sub-par vocals that was B4-4.
The band, which consisted of Toronto twins Ryan and Dan Kowarsky and their friend Ohad Einbinder, hit it big in 2000 with their single “Get Down”:
WARNING: This video contains scenes some viewers might find disturbing. Like Orange and yellow parachute pants.. and Mank Tops.
I never heard much of them after this, but Wikipedia tells me that they went on to become a giant hit in Germany.
David Hasselhoff and B4-4? Germany, I may never understand you.
They also used their fledgling celebrity status for a good cause by promoting an anti- frosted tips Smoking Campaign for the European Union alongside Moby.
The band broke up shortly thereafter, and Ryan and Dan decided to branch out on their own and form the inventively named pop/opera duo “RyanDan” .
I just can’t even.
According to the RyanDan website, they are releasing a new album soon. Get ready ladies!!
And as for Also-ran (I mean, Ohad Einbinder), apparently he works in music production now and developed a pair of headphones that transform into a boombox. Watch out for the film adaptation in 2014 starring Shia Labeouf.
Natalie Imbruglia
The Australian sensation had a giant hit here in North America in 1997 with her song “Torn”, which I was legitimately obsessed with back in grade 6.
I made an entire mixtape of it just this song, and listened to it so much that my mom and dad tried to impose a two-times-a-day limit. I also got my hair cut just like hers; failing to consider that the effect might be slightly different on a prepubescent, mildly overweight 12-year-old than on an Australian pop star.
Once I had my haircut, I would put on my matching grey hoodie and Chinese print tee, set my mixtape to “play” and lip sync in front of the mirror for hours. I had all the moves from the video down pat.. which mostly involved flailing my arms around and looking distressed.
This was not a proud time in my life.
So what has she been up to since? Well, apparently she was a judge on Australian X-factor and was married to Daniel Johns from Silverchair, but is now divorced. Currently, she is an unsigned artist.
I also stumbled across her Instagram the other day, which didn’t tell me much, except that she has long hair now, and really likes Koala Krisp:
Damn, that b*tch looks good in anything. Off to buy my own box of cereal and mimic this pose.
Question of the Day: Any forgotten celebs you’re wondering about?
(I’ll save you the 30 seconds and Google them for you)
With the Holiday season quickly drawing to a close and 2013 fast approaching, the internet is ablaze with “2012 year in review” posts. My favourite, of course, being the ones about annoying celebrities.
And since the 100 scotch cookies I’ve eaten over the past week have completely turned my brain to mush (that’s right, mom. I found your secret stash. muhahaha), I figured I’d weigh in with my own list of utterly unbearable celebrities in 2012.
1. Bethenny Frankel
I love hate to be gratuitously mean here, but there is just something about Bethenny Frankel’s face I really don’t like. Actually, it’s everything about her face. And her voice. And her personality.
I feel sort of bad harping on her, since her made-for-tv marriage just broke up and everything, but I really can’t help it. She just grinds my gears. Bethenny please, for the love of God, pack up your 8 TV shows, cookbook collection and SkinnyGirl Margaritas (which are gross, by the way) and just go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it’s not in my living room.
2. Lindsay Lohan
Oh, Lilo. It’s just a sin, really. There’s not much I can say here that hasn’t been beaten to death already..so instead I’ll just focus this portion of the post on the travesty that is her hair extensions.
I mean, really, Linds. I know you’ve been experiencing some financial difficulties as of late, but couldn’t you just pawn a stolen fur or something and get yourself some new ‘stensions? It’s the least you could do after making us sit through Liz and Dick. Plus, that nasty weave of yours sure as hell ain’t inspiring no confidence in any judges. Trust me. I know these things.
3. Rihanna & Chris Brown
If you, like me, have made the mistake of following BadgalRiRi on Twitter or Instagram, then you already know what I’m talking about. Her newsfeed, which, at the best of times, is a schizophrenic combo of ganja posts, half-naked selfies and “inspirational mantras”, has recently played host to her grade 8 style make-up/break-up/meltdown cycle with Chris Brown.
Plus this whole Karreuche Tran love triangle element. RiRi seriously needs to pull a Mary J Blige, cut the drama, and stick to doing what she does best: writing killer pop songs and performing them in front of Windows Screensavers on SNL.
Work that screensaver, girl
4. Honey Boo Boo
Y’all know I have shockingly low standards when it comes to my reality-tv (Ex-Wives of Rock, anyone?), but even I draw the line at Honey Boo Boo.
Never has anything so mentally and physically repulsed me within a 30 minute time period. Except for maybe my performance on the treadmill yesterday. But let’s not talk about that.
From the gourmet ‘sketti dinners, to the Go Go Juice, to Mama June’s “forklift foot” (for the love of God, do NOT google this), I just can’t even. It’s actually shocking to me how spoiled and ill-behaved this child is. The last thing homegirl needs is a renewed contract. What she really needs is a speech pathologist.
5. Tom Cruise
This one is also kind of gratuitous, because Tom didn’t really do anything in particular to piss me off in 2012; besides get his “heart broken” spectacularly. I just kind of can’t stand him. His voice. His smile. His glibness. I mean, just look at him:
Leave the “charmingly befuddled” thing to Hugh Grant, would you Tom?
There is a Scientology building in Toronto, and whenever I pass by it I like to imagine it as a 24-hour “Tom Cruise New Wife” screening centre. I always do a quick scan of the entrances for tall, endomorph midwestern girl next-door-types. No luck yet, though. They must be hiding them well.
Phew. Ok. End rant. I feel I can enter 2013 marginally less bitter now. Marginally.
Question of the Day: What celebrities do you find the most annoying?
Don’t worry guys- this post isn’t about me. Otherwise the word “obsession” would for sure have been pluralized.
It’s actually about the tv show of the same name that premiered on TLC this week. Like such other quality TLC programming as My Strange Addiction , Hoarding: Buried Alive,Extreme Couponing, and John and Kate Plus 8 before it, My Crazy Obsessionaims to secure ratings and provide an exceptional experience for the viewer by exploiting those with seriously effed up psychological problems.
I question the continued use of the word "learning" in this acronym.
According to the TLC website:
My Crazy Obsession pulls back the curtains to reveal some of the nation’s most extreme and unique obsessions. The series takes viewers behind-the-scenes of homes that are dedicated entirely to the owners’ infatuation with various objects, people, or lifestyles.
These individuals go to great lengths to preserve the quality and authenticity of their jaw-dropping possessions and daily routines — and, for the first time, they’re allowing cameras to document their secret world of unbelievable, one-of-a-kind treasures and sometimes bizarre, never-before-seen habits and rituals.
Why would I be watching this, you might ask? (Or not, because it’s entirely predictable I would be watching this). Well, I’ve been battling flu-like symptoms for the past few days, and have had no energy to do anything but lie semi-comatose on the couch and send my friends 87,000 text messages about sh*t they don’t care about. So when this show came on tv, I had to make a decision: use my last scrap of energy to change the channel, or lift that last Lindor chocolate into my mouth. Guess what won out. It was either blog about this, or Cat Crazed, the documentary about the feline over-population crisis that I also watched. You tell me whether I made the right choice.
Anyway- the first episode centred around a couple in their 50′s who are obsessed with Cabbage Patch Kid Dolls. Yes, you read that correctly. And from here on out, I won’t be using the “d” word anymore, because obviously, they are real children.
"Yo, what up boo... it's Kevin.. yah, just here with my dad."
This couple has over 5,0000 ”kids” and has even built a 6,000 sq. ft. house just to hold them all (which is 6x the size of their own double-wide, I might add). They even treat their very first doll ”Kevin”, like their actual child. EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE THEIR OWN GROWN CHILDREN!!! Kevin gets to go on all family trips and has playdates with other “kids”… Bitch even gets an ALLOWANCE. (Please leave your guesses in the comment section as to what he spends this on). Just watch the video below- your eyes will have the sads for the first 30 seconds, but it’ll be worth it, I promise:
I hate myself a little for watching this- but I just can’t stop. Akin to watching a train-wreck, I just can’t turn my eyes away.
Obviously there’s something to it though- TLC has hit the ratings gold-mine by producing a series of shows that exploit dysfunctional famewhores with a CQ (crazy-quotient) of 175 or higher. For some unknown reason we get off on seeing people obsessed with eating drywall, planning their Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, or keeping every newspaper that ever was issued in their lifetime.
I can’t really put my finger on exactly what the allure is- it could be curiosity, voyeurism, or simply a desire to feel better about our own lives by comparison. Whatever it is- it’s definitely twisted. But I for sure know I’m going to tune in next week to see the dude who collects mannequins (he prefers them to real people!) and the woman with a 2,000 deep wig collection. Cause let’s face it- that’s just quality tv right there.
Question of the Day: Do you watch any of these shows? What do you think the allure is?
So, I know the other day I graced all your inboxes and bookmark reels (I flatter myself) with a list of the top 8 shows I’m looking forward to this January- but there are just so many great shows coming up, I couldn’t help but add a few more. (Caption Obvious says: So then why didn’t you just make it a top 10 list in the first place, BreezyK? Answer: because intuitiveness is not my strong suit. Plus, I didn’t want to make Letterman look bad.)
Anyway, here are a few shows coming up this season that I think deserve an honorable mention, some that may have potential (touch and go) , and a few others I would recommend avoiding like the plauge.. or Lindsay Lohan in a hot tub. Eww communicable diseases.
Honourable Mentions:
Luck (HBO, January 29)
This new HBO drama centers around the world of horse racing, and stars some serious heavy hitters like Dustin Hoffman, Dennis Farina and Nick Nolte. It looks like it could have some serious potential… plus I’m just happy for the ol’ Hoff that he’s actually doing something good again. Things went a little wayward there for a while with all that Little Fockers and Kung Fu Panda business.
House of Lies (Showtime, January 8)
Don Cheadle is an amazing actor. Whether he’s garnering Academy Award noms for starring in genocide dramas, or tearing it up as Captain planet, you basically know it’s gonna be bomb. That’s why I’m excited about his new comedy on showtime, which follows a group of cut-throat management consultants who will do anything to get a deal done. It also stars Kristen Bell., who won me over in Forgetting Sarah Marshall ( that ”When in Rome” blip with Josh Duhamel excluded) . Here’s the trailer
Touch and Go
These shows might take off- or might crash and burn- only God (and maybe the Mayans) know:
Betty White’s Off their Rockers (NBC, January 16)
A new hidden camera show, hosted by Betty White, where senior citizens play pranks on unsuspecting youngsters. I’m usually not a fan of hidden camera shows (what is this, 1975??), but I do love me some Betty White. I couldn’t find a good preview to post- so instead, I’ll just post a link of the timeless and amazing Rose Nylund, explaining how they play Monopoly in St. Olaf: (cause that’s the same thing)
Alcatraz (Fox, January 16)
A new drama on Fox about a homicide detective whose investigation leads her to Alcatraz, and its deep, dark past. If you like mystery/dramas, and shows like Prison Break- then this might be for you. But the acting looks a little touch and go, plus I’m probably just way too much of a fraidy-cat to actually watch it. (Let’s be honest, I thought Harry Potter was scary).
Avoid at all costs:
Work It (ABC, January 3)
The new ABC sitcom where two men dress as women to get jobs at a pharmaceutical company, after discovering that the recession is actually a “mancession” (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). Not only is this show angering LGBT rights groups in America, it’s also just angering my senses with its damn stupidity.
Oprah’s Next Chapter (OWN, January 1)
I’m probably gonna get a lot of flack for dissing Oprah’s new interview show from her legions of fans..but c’mon guys. Seriously? enough’s enough. Hey Oprah- just because you’re not sitting in a chair anymore doesn’t mean you’re still not doing the EXACT SAME THING. Plus, I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to call it a “retirement” when you don’t actually RETIRE.
PS Does anyone else find it lame that George Lucas has named his place “Skywalker Ranch”? no? just me?
Question of the Day: What other shows are you looking forward to/ would rather sit through a Twilight saga marathon than watch this winter?
Well- 2011 (much like my girl Kim K’s short-lived marriage) is quickly coming to an end- and while we could be depressed about the years of our lives quickly slipping by (or the fact that “tiger blood” made the top 10 twitter hashtags of 2011), instead why not look forward to all of the exciting things to come in 2012? Like some really great tv.
Frequent readers of The Camel Life already know that I love me some teev, and that my PVR gets more action than a Michael Bay flick(or at least more action than me)- but this January it’s going to be doing double duty trying to catch all of these awesome new shows.. it’s like Christmas in January! (too soon?) So without further adieu I present to you 8 (because 8 is way better than 10) TV shows I’m excited for premiering this January:
1. Are you there, Chelsea? (NBC, January 11)
I’ve recently started watching Chelsea Lately (yes, mostly because it’s on right after Kim and Kourtney take New York) and man – that Chelsea Handler is one bad-ass, hilarious bitch. That’s why I’m excited for this new sitcom, based on her 2008 book of the same name. It stars Laura Prepon (aka Donna from That 70′s Show) and Chelsea herself in a supporting role. Looks like it might be a #winner. Aaaah damn you twitter!
2. Angry Boys (HBO- January 1, 2012)
I’ve talked about this show before on the Camel Life- but I’m hella excited for it, and thought it deserved another mention. Angry Boys is the new HBO comedy series from Chris Lilley, creator and star of the hilarious “Summer Heights High,” (Mr. G? Polynesian pathways? I die), which debuted on HBO in 2008. Shot in mock documentary style, the show explores the lives, dreams and aspirations of males in present-day society, spotlighting six characters, all portrayed by Lilley, from a pair of 17-year-old twin boys in Australia to a 24-year-old Los Angeles-based rapper. The series has already received widespread praise in Australia- and if its anything like Summer Heights High I know it’s gonna be a huge hit here too..after all, as Ja’mie would say: boys are so randommmmm. Here’s a sneak peek of the first episode:
3. American Idol, Season 11 (Fox, January 22)
I’ve said it before- I’m a sucker for American Idol. I can’t help it. I get all tingly inside every time I hear those contestant sob stories, and watch as one by one they all conquer adversity. Plus, who doesn’t like watching people make fools of themselves on National Television?? (Alright, so really I just want to see all of J.Lo’s pretty outfits. Is that so wrong?)
4. Mr. D (CBC, January 9)
I first fell in love with Canadian comedian Gerry Dee when he was a contestant on NBC’s Last Comic Standing back in 2007. Over the next few years I watched him go from appearing in KFC commercials; to selling out comedy shows at Yuk Yuk’s, to now starring in his very own show. Though I normally cringe at most original CBC programming (Little Mosque on the Prairie? need I say more?) - this one actually looks pretty good:
5. Napoleon Dynamite: The Animated Series (Fox, January 15)
Who didn’t love the 2004 cult classic Napoleon Dynamite? It’s only like, the best comedy ever (like anyone could even know that). Well good news for all you fans out there- this January, Napoleon, Kip, Uncle Rico ,Pedro, and the rest of the original cast are back in a new animated series on Fox. If you like stupid comedies, and fox classics like Family Guy, American Dad, and King of the Hill- then this one’s for you.
6. The Bachelor: Season 16 (ABC, January 2)
If the next bachelor, Ben Flajnik, didn’t steal your heart as the runner up on Ashley’s season of the Bachelorette- then you must be a cold, heartless b*tch. Just kidding. Sort of. A wine maker with a sexy haircut, rock hard abs, and a dead dad (which by default means he’s sensitive)… what’s not to love? Plus this season’s contestants look legit crazy – guaranteed to make for some quality TV.
7. Project Runway, All Stars (Lifetime, January 5)
I know every reality series and their purse dogs are doing an “All stars” season (ANTM, Top Chef, etc), but I’m still pretty excited for the return of Austin Scarlett, Mondo Guerra, and of course Michael Kors’ classic one-liners (e.g. “that outfit looks like something Peter Brady would wear to an Autumn Harvest“). I can’t get a clip of the upcoming season since I live in the remote location of CANADA (first groceries by charter plane, now this??), so instead I’ll give you a clip of good ol’ MK LOLing at some poor contestant’s cut-out bathing suit ensemble:
8. The Firm (NBC, January 12)
Maybe this is my lawyerly nerdiness coming through, but I’m excited for the new NBC drama based on the 1991 John Grisham novel, and the 1993 film. The show stars Josh Lucas as Mitch McDee (also known as Reese Witherspoon’s love interest in Sweet Home Alabama… aka the best movie of all time) and, more importantly, a recurring role by Canadian comedian Shaun Majumder- or Raj Binder from This Hour Has 22 Minutes… ummm big deal alert
So there you have it friends- lots of quality programming for you to enjoy this January! Or, if none of this looks appealing to you- you could always just watch footage of Siku, the worlds cutest Polar Bear, on a continuous loop:
awwww.
Question of the Day: What shows are you excited for this winter?
