6 Things Everyone Should Know About Las Vegas

So good news everybody: I survived my whirlwind long weekend in Las Vegas!

The bad news? I am once again freezing my tuckus off in a subarctic Canadian climate. Also, the Easter bunny seems to have forgotten about me completely. I wonder if this has anything to do with the epic diss I gave him in my last post?

I still blame him for being so creepy.

So I must admit, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about Vegas at first. As my friend Jane so eloquently put it, “I didn’t think Vegas was leftist enough for you“.

I take her point,

But I still really enjoyed it. As Steve Wynn, owner of half the Las Vegas strip (and that creepy voice inside all the cabs) once famously said:  ”Las Vegas is sort of like how God would do it if he had money.”

I have a feeling God might have made a few changes- but if his son`s tweets are any indication, a Las Vegas run by the holy family would still be a pretty fun place to be:

Since I promised my fellow bachelorette-goers I wouldn’t get into too much of the nitty-gritty of our trip, I’m tailoring my Vegas recap to a few things I learned about the city in general. So here goes:

1. There’s Something For Everyone 

Based on my limited knowledge of Vegas, I expected the crowd to be mainly party-goers, eloping couples and Kim Kardashian.

Au contraire bonjour! Apparently everyone goes to Vegas! Families, couples, grandparents, these guys:

Is that a flamingo on your shirt? Or are you just happy to see me?

At first I was confused by all the little kids running around,

………..And then I saw this roller coaster:

It’s also way less glamorous than I expected. I thought people would be dressed to the nines everywhere I went- but let’s just say….. they weren’t. (Hey, I’m practicing cutting people some slack here!)

2. You Can Literally Do Whatever You Want. Except Bring Gum Inside Wet Republic.

My first thought about Las Vegas was that there were no rules whatsoever. Everywhere I looked people were walking around with alcoholic drinks, wearing bikinis, smoking INSIDE.

I even saw one guy drinking his walktail (<– see what I did there) out of a full-sized plastic guitar. It was awesome.

My perception shifted, however, after my first visit  to MGM’s famously raucous party pool Wet Republic.

With security so thick it rivaled Bieber’s entourage, guards double-checked your ID and vigorously inspected the contents of your purse at the entrance- removing any prohibited or nefarious looking items. Advil? No bueno. Bottled water? Fuhhhgettabout it.  I even had my pack of Dentyne Ice confiscated. I still don’t know why. Maybe they thought I was some sort of gum weilding assassin?? Or maybe they just didn’t want me to get it stuck in my own hair. That makes sense.

3. It’s In The Desert, Yo!!

I know what you`re thinking, and yes, I have seen a map before. But it was in that movie National Treasure and I couldn’t make it out very well.

Anyway, I kinda had an inkling that Vegas was in the middle of the desert, but I guess I didn’t fully appreciate this until my skin started shrivelling up like a California Raisin.

My hair quickly followed suit, leaving me resembling one of those sad “before” girls from hair commercials.

Ladies: 3 words: Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

4. If You Move There, You Will Gain 300lbs.

Ummm.. HOLY PORTION SIZES BATMAN. The American “bigger is better” philosophy was really drilled home to me during my several trips to McDonalds and In-and-Out Burger. Did you know a standard McNugget meal in the U.S.is 10 McNuggets, while in Canada, it`s only 6??

And as if that weren’t enough, my hotel also had the world-famous Jean Phillippe Bakery right downstairs. Nutella brioche??almond croissants? CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN? Heart… Beating… Faster.

You guys, it was a bad scene for BreezyK. Think Homer Simpson in the land of chocolate,

But worse. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

5. There is always a “List”-  And you need to be on it.

For girls, this basically means just leaving your hotel room. For guys, it means putting on your best Burberry knockoff and spending hours in line haggling with some glorified bouncer to let you and your buddies spend a grand  on a bottle of Grey Goose. Which you will then ultimately give to a group of cute 20-somethings, who will drink every last drop before running off to find the next table of suckers. The b*tches probably won’t even say goodbye.

And they say life isn’t fair  ;)

6. There`s a Good Chance It Was All Just A Mirage

I mean, it was in the middle of the desert. And the whole thing did sort of feel like a dream. The only evidence I have of even being there are a few instagram pics and a quick-fading tan. But that doesn’t prove anything. I could have just been abducted by aliens with a penchant for vitamin D and social media.

………If I ever made any sense, I have clearly ceased to do so.

Lets get to the winner of my East-Vegas giveaway! Congratulations (drumroll pleaaaaase):

Whinybaby! 

E-mail me at thecamellife@gmail.com with your address!

Question of the Day: Have you Ever been to Vegas?

Viva Las Vegas (Giveaway!!)

In true lapsed Catholic fashion, this year I’ve decided to spend Easter weekend in the un-holiest place on earth: Vegas Baby!!

That’s right folks- by the time you read this, I will be on my way to Sin City with 17 other bad b*tches to celebrate the bachelorette parties of two of our closest friends. Yep- a DOUBLE bachelorette. God help our livers us all.

I was initially worried that my very devout mother would be horrified at the idea of my spending Good Friday popping bottles with Diddy at Wet Republic,

But apparently she’s way too busy worrying about Pope Francis to even notice. (“I mean, I know he preaches the simple life and all.. but if he doesn’t start using more security soon he’s not gonna be preaching anything at all” )

So I think I’m all set! I’ve got my flip flops, sunglasses, magazines, a crap- ton of candy, and this divine piece of literature for the plane:

The lady at Chapters assured me that it was “amazing” and “a total page turner”, but with lines like “the next time I drive a Ferrari, I’ll be sure to wear a longer skirt” – I have my doubts.

Anyway, I’ve never been to Vegas, but if it’s anything like I’ve seen in the movies, then I expect to do at least one, if not more of the following things while I’m there:

1. Play a specialized role in an organized casino heist with a motley crew of 11 12 13 sidekicks

2. Lose one of the bachelorettes, kidnap Mike Tyson’s tiger and pull my own tooth out

3. Develop an elaborate card counting scheme under the direction of my mentor, Nicholas Cage

4. Marry Ashton Kutcher and split a $3 million jackpot

5. Launder millions of superdollars in a counterfeit scam involving the Triads

6. Thwart Project Vulcan after nearly being assisinated by FemmeBots

7. Form an unlikely relationship with a hardened prostitute and suddenly develop a new lease on life

8. Lose all of my money gambling and have to share a $1.49 buffet with my cousin Eddie

9. Enter a beauty pageant in order to save the original Captain Kirk

10. Get hopped up on acid and drive around in an old Eldorado

Yes my friends, in Vegas, anything is possible!!

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and that the Easter bunny finds you. (For your sake, I hope it’s not the same one whose lap I sat on in grade 1.)

*Not me

And if you want to make your Easter REALLY special, you can enter my Festive East-Vegas Giveaway! Just match each of the Vegas activities listed above with the correct movie below, and you could win a free CAMEL LIFE TSHIRT!!

Unfortunately, it’s a ladies size small, so if it doesn’t fit then I guess you’ll just have to frame it and hang it on your wall along with the rest of your BreezyK memorabilia. The winner will also receive a personalized Easter card from me and a Las Vegas themed trinket for your garbage home!

If more than one person guesses the order correctly, I will take bribes draw names.

Here is the list of movies to be matched with the correct # above. Good luck!

A. National Lampoon’s Vegas vacation

B. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

C. Rush Hour 2

D. What Happens in Vegas

E. The Hangover

F. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

G. 21

H. Oceans 11/12/13

I. Leaving Las Vegas

J. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Contest closes on Sunday, March 31 at high noon!

Question of the Day: What are your plans for Easter weekend?

I [Heart] NY

I just got back from 5 glorious days in New York City and I am smitten. Man, do I love that city.

I don’t have a lot to say right now because I am still sort of reeling from it all.. especially my traumatizing visit to the American Girl store, meeting Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family (sort of), and having my personal space repeatedly invaded by every character from Shakespeare’s Macbeth.

More to come on all of these points.

For now, here’s a few snaps from my trip which should help ease the withdrawal symptoms you’ve been experiencing in my absence.

 

 

 

Question of the Day: Been to NYC? Do you love it?

P.S. if you also love my mad clicking a button Photog skills, holla at me on Instagram- breezyk1

 

Thanks’gettin the Hell Outta Here

Season’s Eatings, friends! I am currently blogging to you live from the wonderful piece of Canadian majesty that is the Toronto Pearson International Airport, on my way home to Nova Scotia to spend Thanksgiving with my family.

I know, all of you Americans out there are probably like “say whaaaat Breezy, Isn’t Thanksgiving in November?” But no! Not up here in the Great White North it isn’t! Here we celebrate Thanksgiving in October… I can’t really tell you why, but it’s probably because we read that dang calendar thing wrong again and got confused.

Speaking of confused, before we go any further, I should probably warn you that I am currently battling cold and flu like symptoms, and am writing this post on about 4 hours of sleep and under the heavy influence of Dayquil, ColdFX and a Starbucks Grande Americano. I’ve also eaten like, two entire packages of Halls already today…. and its only 7:30am. The combined effect of all of this is sort of making me feel like I’m on speed. I also can’t feel my right leg.

…..Here’s hoping they let me on the plane!

Anyway, I haven’t been home in a while and i’m really looking forward to it. I hear they installed a new sidewalk on our street.(!!!!) So stay tuned over the next few days for more enthralling posts about me fighting with my brothers and sisters and not moving off the couch except to get another glass of pepsi… Or when my mother guilts me into exercising with her. God damn that woman and her boundless energy!

And for those of you heading home to your respective families this weekend like i am – drink wine have fun and be safe! Ive already put in a good word with Saint Christopher, the Patron Saint of travel for you guys. Can’t help you on the 5-10 lbs you’re going to gain between now and January, though. That’s all on you and your deep, deep love affair with pumpkin pie.

Ok I’m going to stop talking now and instead give you all a little Friday ditty to help get the weekend going. Warning: it has nothing to do with thanksgiving.. Or cold Fx. But it’s catchy as a mofo, so enjoy!

Question of the day: what are you doing for thanksgiving? (or, to my non-Canadian friends, any fun weekend plans?)

Pre-Travel Anxiety: It’s a real thing, I swear!

In the coming week, both Canada and the United States will celebrate their respective birthdays. And you know what that means. FIREWORKS!!!! (And that I’m 5 years old, apparently). It also means that Canadians and Americans alike will be hitting the highways and airways en masse, eager to get the eff outta dodge and enjoy a nice long weekend, anywhere but here.

They might even watch this movie. (Although I wouldn’t)

In a few short hours, I will be joining the mass exodus, headed for the beautiful province of Nova Scotia to spend 12 glorious days with my family and friends. You’d think I’d be excited about this- given how annoyingly incredibly homesick I’ve been lately. And I am. It’s just that I’ve also spent the past few days feeling a little… well, anxious.

I can’t really explain it, but whenever I am preparing to travel anywhere, I spend the days leading up to my departure in a state of mild, generalized anxiety. I’m emotional. I’m high strung. I stress about everything- no matter how small.

First, there’s the thought of leaving work for a week. Tying up all sorts of loose ends; satisfying myself that the machine will continue to run in my absence, despite my essential cogging role. Packing is a headache in and of itself. Paring down the number of impractical dresses and shoes I bring. Worrying about my toiletries exploding all over the place, or that some rogue, could-be-construed-as-a-weapon item has made its way into my carry-on.

Exhibit A: Not my suitcase

But beyond this, I have this habit of adding to my own stress by creating arbitrary to-do lists of all the items I simply must complete before leaving, that really I don’t need to do at all.

Like, obviously I had to clean my entire apartment from top to bottom and organize my closet before I left. And I just I NEEDED to pick up Bumble and Bumble Beach Waves spray, get my nails done, and buy presents for everyone whose birthdays I missed in the past 6 months or all hell would break loose. For the past few days, I have found myself either frantically running around completing these highly important tasks, or sitting at my desk freaking out about when I was going to find the time to do it all.

When I realized I had worked myself up into a state of borderline hysteria, I tried to pinpoint the root of my anxiety.  I’m not jetting off to a foreign or unfamiliar destination. I don’t need a tetanus shot. I don’t have to calculate currency conversions at the speed of light, or  struggle to understand a foreign language. In fact, I’m going to the most familiar place I know- a place where I’ve spent the majority of my life and all of my family lives. My mom is even picking me from the god damn airport. So what gives?

Curious to see if others might share my pain, I took to google and discovered that apparently what I’m feeling is called “Pre-Travel Anxiety”. How original.  Turns out lots of people deal with it. (Well, ok.. mostly animals. But sometimes people too).

I even read one article where a woman nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to return vitamins she bought online prior to a 5-week Greek vacation.

What’s wrong with us all??

I think it all boils down to the fact that we humans are creatures of habit, and thrive off routine. Any type of change, or any time we are out of our comfort zone has the potential to cause anxiety and throw us into a tailspin- regardless of if the change is positive.

So how do we deal with it? Well, the websites I read recommended everything from packing ahead and having a travel “game plan”, to doing yoga and avoiding stimulants. Yeah, I think I’ll just help myself to a nice individual serving of boxed wine on the plane and call it a day.

They say this kind of thing only gets worse with age. Which means that inevitably, my future children are going to hate me.  More than they already will for being a super-competitive stage mom and enrolling them in the Abby Lee Miller Dance Company. Hey.. mommy needs a little spotlight, too.

Question of the Day: Do you have Pre-Travel Anxiety?

La Belle Province

Here’s the thing about roadtrips: they can be a great, inexpensive, and fun way to travel.

……..except when you take them in the middle of a SNOWSTORM:

Yeeeeah. So driving from Toronto to Montreal in the middle of what newscasters were dubbing “Snowmaggedon 2012” in hindsight may not have been the best idea. The drive (which ordinarily takes about 5 hours) ended up taking my friend Lia and I well over 8, and involved several near-death encounters. Luckily, thanks to a giant bag of pretzel M&Ms, a sweet 80′s playlist, and more than a few prayers to Saint Christopher- I live to blog another day.

Dear Chris: please let us get to Montreal alive. And while you're at it, please let this rest stop have clean washrooms.

We spent our first night in Montreal at Lia’s Aunt and Uncle’s place. Obviously, copious amounts of wine were necessary to repress the memories of imminent peril- and we ended up having a late night of drinking, eating, and taking shelter from the storm.

I awoke the next morning with a vague recollection of drunkenly promising Lia’s Auntie Claude I’d attend her Spin class with her at 10 a.m…..  a decision I immediately regretted once armed with sober second thoughts. Being yelled at in french to pedal faster + a low-grade hangover do not make for an appetizing combo, lemme tell ya.  Luckily, cooler heads prevailed, and Lia and I agreed to simply run on the treadmill instead. 

We had free passes to the gym, which was good considering it usually costs eleventy thousand dollars and your first-born child just to get in there.  That plus the fact that it was called “Le Sporting Club Sanctuaire”, told me this gym was going to be ritzy. The best way I could describe it is: how the other half lives. The parking garage was filled with Porsches and Lexi (is that the plural of lexus?) and all of the women looked like they had just emerged from their daily dip in the eternal fountain of youth. (side note: did you know that Louis Vuitton made gym bags? I do now). Inside there were squash courts, an indoor pool, a state of the art pilates studio, and a cardio room that would make Bob Harper cry. They even gave out $20 bills to wipe away your sweat with! (Just kidding.. you got complimentary towels, which smelled like freshly baked cookies…I’m not sure how this works as an incentive, but I went with it).

I found this pic of the lobby online. I didn't take any pictures inside myself, only cause I'm not extremely creepy.

I did experience one slight hurdle when I realized the treadmill pre-sets were in Km/hour instead of my standard miles. I spent several awkward minutes slow-motion/stumble jogging and attracting quizzical glances from several other fellow gym-goers before eventually figuring that sh*t out. Treadmill fail.

After learning that I’m a Luddite working on our fitness, we made our way to Old Montreal. First stop, brunch at Olive et Gourmando.

If wanting to swim in a pool filled with brioche and almond croissants is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right

j

... Because the greatest, love of all is happening to me.......

Truffle mac & cheese should be illegal. Either that, or being morbidly obese should be socially acceptable.

2459090909 calories (and one pointless workout) later, we stumbled out of the restaurant ready to explore Old Montreal.

I recognize this looks like I cropped myself into this pic, but I swear to God I was actually there.

Yeah. That happened.

I decided during our stroll that Montreal has a charm and sophistication that no other Canadian city can match. The culture, the buildings, the cobblestone streets…. plus, saying anything in French just makes it seem infinitely cooler and more sophisticated.  I’ll admit I got sort of caught up in it all, and felt like I was becoming more sophisticated myself through cultural osmosis. I felt a smug satisfaction every time I ordered a Cafe au Lait instead of a coffee, or gave a cab driver directions in [extremely broken] french… I even found myself in an art gallery at one point, contemplating purchasing one of the prints on display. Guess I must have temporarily forgotten that I HAVE NO MONEY.

Anyway, the rest of our trip was delightful, and filled with more cheese, wine, Montreal bagels, and thankfully, a relatively uneventful drive home.

  

Except for stopping to buy these sweet shades at a gas station... (I lost on my roll up the rim to win though. It all evens out).

I recognize this post was pretty low in poutine, shopping, and sexy French-Canadian men like I promised…. buuuut it was pretty high in both quality photos and literary content, so you can’t really complain.

Just for good measure though (and because one faithful reader in particular I know will appreciate it) here’s a pic of the one and only Georges St. Pierre.

GSP says: Je plains le fou who doesn't read The Camel Life!

Question of the Day: Have you taken any trips recently?