A wise woman once said, “It takes a village to raise a child”.
That, and “You can never have enough pantsuits”
…but we won’t hold that against her.
In honor of this maxim (the village, not the pantsuits), this Mother’s Day, I’ll be celebrating not only to my own mom, but also all of the amazing TV moms who helped raise me. Claire Huxtable, Elyse Keaton, Vivian Banks, Kitty Foreman- where would I be without all of their sage advice, no-non sense attitudes and witty one-liners? (Well, maybe a little more well- read. But that’s beside the point.)
Here, with the help of a few GIFS, are 10 lessons I learned from TV moms:
1. Stand Up For Yourself
…. you show those b*tches who’s boss
2. You only have one family, so you might as well make the most of it.
3. Not everything that’s good for you is fun
4. Don’t worry so much about your appearance
………..You can have a harelip, crunchy bangs, or look like Mama June and someone will still love you.
5. It’s Important To Always Be a Lady
6. Every once in a while, you need to eat a piece of humble pie
Well kids, I’m here to tell you that if you stalk work hard enough, dreams really do come true!
That’s right ladies- read ‘em and weep: Brandon Walsh and I are officially an item. (Just kidding. I don’t think his wife would like that very much. But our heads are touching in this pic, which basically means we’re besties now.)
The pic above was taken at the wrap party for the play Race by David Mamet, in which Jason starred as a morally conflicted criminal lawyer.
My friend Jane and I went to see it a couple of weeks ago, and afterwards received an e-mail inviting us to schmooze with Jason and the cast at the wrap party. Obviously we couldn’t let the opportunity to hang with 90210′s resident moral compass pass us by,
so we got dolled up and went.
There were only about 75 people in attendance, so stalking opportunity = prime. Jason was hanging with the DJ and taking some photos with fans, so we made our way up to talk to him.
I will admit, I had a total fangirl moment was unable to form words for the first few seconds,
But eventually I pulled it together and eeked out “I loved your play!” (lie, it was terrible) “you made a very convincing lawyer!” (another lie, he didn’t), and then we chatted for a few minutes – mostly about Nova Scotia, where I’m from, and he films his TV show Call me Fitz. He said he loves it and has been thinking of buying a home there (!!!!). Note to self: move back to Nova Scotia.
Things were just getting good when his handler came over and asked “if I could I please hurry it up because they needed to move along.”
Ummm.. RUDE. Could she not see we clearly had a connection?
Anyway, we shared a wistful embrace (if you’re wondering, he smelled like expensive cologne and nostalgia) and then Jane and I left and headed to another bar. We were debriefing about our brush with celebrity when lo and behold, Jason and his assistant walk into the VERY SAME BAR!
On the inside I was like:
But on the outside, I’m just like:
We asked them if they were stalking us (because, you know, we touched heads, so we can joke like that now) and they laughed, and then drank with us for the rest of the night. (And by “with us” I mean at the table next to us, and we didn’t speak another word- but close enough for me!)
Anyway, I see this all as a very positive development in our relationship. Am I disappointed things didn’t progress more? Sure. But it’s Brandon Walsh, I’ve learned he likes to take things slow.
Don’t worry Brandon Jason- I’ve got time.
Question of the Day: Were you a 90210 fan? What celeb from your youth would you want to meet?
Well, it’s Thursday- and you know what that means: time to check in on some of our favourite has-beens celebrities from days gone by!
In my last edition of Throwback Thursday, I solicited recommendations for more celebrities to exploit follow up on, and man, you guys did NOT disappoint. You came up with some real, certified, D-List gems- and that’s saying something, considering I thought most of them were on Celebrity Rehab or Couples Therapy already.
Anyway, your wish is my command Google search! For each of these artists I’ve answered the age-old question “Where are they now?” - so grab some popcorn and watch as the train wrecks unfold!
Jimmy Ray
If you were alive in 1997 and still had functioning ear drums after being subjected to “My Heart Will Go On” eleventy billion times, then you are undoubtedly familiar with this song:
With these amazing lyrics, cheekbones for days, and hair that defied all natural laws of gravity, it seemed Jimmy Ray was destined for superstardom.
Alas- it was not meant to be. Apparently Jimmy suffered some “creative differences” with his label, and after producing a few more ill-fated singles, they dropped his ass. The English rockabilly crooner was left to join the ranks of such other one-hit wonders as Chumbawamba and Lou Bega (Mambo No. 5 anyone?).
So what’s a boy with nothing but a dream, some perfectly cuffed jeans and a glamorous novelty belt buckle to do?
Well I’ll tell you what he’s NOT doing: sitting at home, clutching his solid gold single and crying into his brylcreem.
(Well, maybe a little)
Instead, Jimmy marched his signature pout and devil-may-care attitude down the street to someone who actually gave a damn. Now he’s a member of the Airplayers, a song production team producing pop acts mainly in the UK and Europe. (He also has a LinkedIn profile, so you know he’s serious.)
I can’t find a recent pic, but for the love of God, I hope he hasn’t lost all his hair.
Color Me Badd
… I mean, they really need no introduction. The early 90′s R&B group from Oklahoma sold over 12 million albums in the U.S. with such hits as “I Wanna Sex You Up” and “All 4 love” – all while rocking jewel-toned pantsuits.
A moment of silence for that trend, please.
Anyway, after schooling us all in the arts of synchronized dance routines and color blocking:
Color Me Badd broke up in 2000, and the four members went their separate ways.
Sam Watters became a record producer and married American Idol alum Tamyra Grey
Mark Calderon became a Christian recording artist
Kevin Thorton was ordained as a Minister, and
Bryan Abrams was up on domestic violence charges.
Really living up to that second “D”, buddy
Although the R&B Angels sing no more, their legacy still lives on by inspiring such parody videos as Lonely Island’s “D*ck In A Box”.
… and at the end of the day, that’s what every band wants, isn’t it?
5ive
If you were a teenage girl in the late 90′s, then don’t even pretend you didn’t lose your sh*t every time “When The Lights Go Out” came on at your high school dance:
You know you rocked your kerchief top and cargo pants on the dance floor so hard at least one of your butterfly clips flew out and wedged itself in some unsuspecting kid’s braces.
It wasn’t your fault. These dudes were certified lady killers: “Slam Dunk Da Funk”, “Got the Feelin”, “If Ya Gettin Down” – need I go on??
Sadly, 5ive’s time in the spotlight was short-lived. The Brit boy band, which was created by the same producers as The Spice Girls (and included a member named “Abz Love”), split up in 2001 after- you guessed it- “creative differences”. The boys’ post-breakup history is pretty much par for the course: failed solo careers, stints at music production, domestic abuse allegations, oh- and of course a reality show.
That’s right. Earlier this year, 5ive teamed up with fellow has-beens 911, Atomic Kitten, B*Witched, Honeyz and Liberty X, for the British documentary series The Big Reunion, which followed the bands as they prepared for a reunion concert.
This is 5ive now. Not bad, amiright??
I have obviously been scouring the internet for footage of this train wreck but haven’t been able to find it. UK readers- help a sista out. Where can I watch this television gold?
Question of the Day: What other has-beens have you wondered about?
Between all the talk about self-doubt, fate and serendipity, plus my novice literary critiques, I feel like things have been getting a little heavy around here lately.
Intellectual Dachshund says: Who you calling”heavy”? Last time I checked, I’m not the one who hasn’t been to the gym in a week .
Ahem. I said we’ll talk about this later.
Anyway, today, I’m going to lighten the mood a little by resurrecting a feature I like to call: “You Googled What??”- a collection of the most ridiculous, obscene,and sometimes just plain sad search terms people have used to find my blog. (If you missed the first installment, you can find it here.) Below are just a few of my favorites- along with some color commentary.
“epi-pen party”
Um. Is this a thing? Because, like, not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but it sounds kind of dangerous. You should probably have a doctor on hand. And everyone’s up-to-date emergency contact information.
Safety first!
Other than that, have fun you crazy kids!
“Hanging with Mr. Cooper”
Boy, this one brought me back. Who didn’t love this mid-90′s TV gem about a charismatic retired NBA player turned substitute teacher who moves in with his two gorgeous female friends? Think Three’s Company, but with an urban twist.
Not only was Hangin with Mr. Cooper quality TV programming on its own, it also had the privilege of being included in potentially the best TGIF lineup ever (IMO): featuring Family Matters, Boy Meets World and Step by Step.
There are too many wonderful things in this pic to count.
I was curious what ever happened to Mark Curry (aka Mr. Cooper), so I did a little Googling. Apparently, he is now on the Nick-at-Nite family show See Dad Run with Scott Baio (!!) and does stand up comedy on the side. He also got burned pretty badly a few years back after a can of aerosol spray exploded in his house, and he contemplated suicide for a while, until he talked to Sinbad (!!!) and decided that life really was worth living after all.
I honestly can’t even make this sh*t up.
“small town guy just trying to fit in”
Call Me.
Especially if you look like this.
“home alone bird lady”
Sin, guys. ……………I mean, I know I kind of look like her, but really.
“why would someone steal my hairbrush”
OMG you too??? WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US
“Am I meant to be alone forever?”
While I unfortunately do not have a crystal ball, I can give you this handy little quiz to help you answer that one:
1) Do you have a cat?
2) How many?
3) Is your PVR more than 80% filled with episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and/or Real Housewives?
4) Do you collect human hair?
5) Do you refer to the side of the bed you don’t sleep on as “the storage side” ?
If you answered yes to 87% or more of these questions, then I’m sorry to tell you that yes, you are a card-carrying member of the Forever Single Club. But never fear! In the words of the King Of Pop:
“best diorama ever”
Finding the “best diorama ever” is an incredibly noble pursuit. That’s why I thought I would help by identifying a few suggestions:
….. also, apparently marshmallow peep dioramas are a thing:
…. and my ultimate winner:
“I want to make an artificial jungle to submit in my school for an exhibition”
……you should totally do that. And then send photos. Actually, live footage would be preferable.
“camel on America’s next top model All Stars”
Um. Is this true?? Because that would be AWESOME. I bet that Camel could show those skinny b*tches a thing or two about posing.
My humps.. my lovely lady lumps
“is being a quirky girl a good thing?”
My heart breaks for the poor, insecure girl who searched this. Mostly because it was probably me.
“indie love mixtape”
Yes, please.
“what to do if kids happen to see their Christmas gifts on Christmas eve and ruin the surprise”
…Give up now because you are obviously the worst mother ever and nothing in your kid’s life will ever be the same again. Way to ruin everything, mom.
“how to identify leftover yarn”
Like, are we talking from a pile of other non-yarn related items? Or from a pile of other pieces of yarn, some of which new, some of which “leftover”? …. Either way… you should probably just ask your mom.
Question of the Day: What is the weirdest Google search term you’ve Had lately?
I’m a sucker for a good Friends re-run. Anytime I hear an episode playing, or catch a glimpse of it on TV, I automatically feel compelled to watch it.
It’s like I’m being pulled by some sort of centrifugal force. Kind of like how Kramer felt about Mary Hart…. only exactly the opposite.
Anyway, the other day I found myself watching an episode; and as the iconic theme song filled the room, and my heart with nostalgia, I got to thinking about The Rembrandts.
Remember them? They had a massive hit back in 1995 with the mind-numbingly awful yet unbelievably catchy ”I’ll Be There For You”, but what have they done since?
A quick Google search informed me that The Rembrandts (otherwise known as Phil Solem and Danny Wilde) had one other hit: the emo slow jam “That’s Just the Way it is (Baby”). Apparently, however, the stress of 2 hit songs was too much for them, and they split up shortly thereafter. Solem wanted to concentrate on his own band Thrush, while Wilde released his own solo album.
Both of these solo efforts met with about as much success as David Schwimmer’s movie career:
So they eventually got back together in 2000, and have since released about 17 greatest hit(s?) albums. They also write and produce music for other really current and relevant bands, like The Gin Blossoms. Other than that, I think they’re probably just busy hot oiling their hair, wearing round sunglasses, and cashing in on all their Friends royalties.
Syndication, baby! Ca-Ching! $$
Incidentally, that episode also guest-starred Jennifer Grey as Barry’s fiance, Mindy. Obviously I needed a little refresher on what Baby was up to as well.
Well, apparently that nose job wasn’t so “career ending” after all because home girl won Dancing with the Stars in 2010 and is now starring in lifetime movies! Holla!
Take that, haters!
All of this got me thinking back to some other forgotten has-beens celebrities from my past.. like:
B4-4
Canadian ladies of my vintage will undoubtedly remember the hot mess of seashell necklaces, spiky hair and sub-par vocals that was B4-4.
The band, which consisted of Toronto twins Ryan and Dan Kowarsky and their friend Ohad Einbinder, hit it big in 2000 with their single “Get Down”:
WARNING: This video contains scenes some viewers might find disturbing. Like Orange and yellow parachute pants.. and Mank Tops.
I never heard much of them after this, but Wikipedia tells me that they went on to become a giant hit in Germany.
David Hasselhoff and B4-4? Germany, I may never understand you.
They also used their fledgling celebrity status for a good cause by promoting an anti- frosted tips Smoking Campaign for the European Union alongside Moby.
The band broke up shortly thereafter, and Ryan and Dan decided to branch out on their own and form the inventively named pop/opera duo “RyanDan” .
I just can’t even.
According to the RyanDan website, they are releasing a new album soon. Get ready ladies!!
And as for Also-ran (I mean, Ohad Einbinder), apparently he works in music production now and developed a pair of headphones that transform into a boombox. Watch out for the film adaptation in 2014 starring Shia Labeouf.
Natalie Imbruglia
The Australian sensation had a giant hit here in North America in 1997 with her song “Torn”, which I was legitimately obsessed with back in grade 6.
I made an entire mixtape of it just this song, and listened to it so much that my mom and dad tried to impose a two-times-a-day limit. I also got my hair cut just like hers; failing to consider that the effect might be slightly different on a prepubescent, mildly overweight 12-year-old than on an Australian pop star.
Once I had my haircut, I would put on my matching grey hoodie and Chinese print tee, set my mixtape to “play” and lip sync in front of the mirror for hours. I had all the moves from the video down pat.. which mostly involved flailing my arms around and looking distressed.
This was not a proud time in my life.
So what has she been up to since? Well, apparently she was a judge on Australian X-factor and was married to Daniel Johns from Silverchair, but is now divorced. Currently, she is an unsigned artist.
I also stumbled across her Instagram the other day, which didn’t tell me much, except that she has long hair now, and really likes Koala Krisp:
Damn, that b*tch looks good in anything. Off to buy my own box of cereal and mimic this pose.
Question of the Day: Any forgotten celebs you’re wondering about?
(I’ll save you the 30 seconds and Google them for you)
Robonaut (or “R2” for short) is a humanoid robot designed by NASA to work alongside astronauts in space, performing dangerous or routine tasks so humans won’t have to. Footage of R2 working on the International Space Station was released this week; making him somewhat of an internet sensation.
R2 resembles a human from the waist-up, and has hands, arms and human-like dexterity. He can even do sign language!
If you’re anything like me, then you’re probably a little freaked out by all of this. You might be thinking, gee, this is a great scientific development and all, but what if that robot gets tired of wearing his heavy spacesuit all day and decides he wants my job instead? What if robots start taking all the jobs? Or worse- get their own reality shows.After that, it’s only a matter of time before total world domination.
Your concerns are not without merit.
But if there’s one thing Pop Culture has taught us, it’s that Robots are nothing to be afraid of.*
We should be excited, not scared, about the prospect having a few more Robots around. Here, as evidenced by pop culture, are just a few of the reasons why:
*With the notable exceptions of Decepticons, HAL 9000, Psycho Rangers, and Mario Lopez.
1. They Help You Out of Difficult Situations
If our friend R2D2 is any indication, Robots are some tough muthafu*kas. Not only are they incredibly skilled problem solvers, they also kick ass and take names 24/7. Let’s just say that if I ever found myself on the Planet Endor fighting off a legion of Imperial Troops, I’d know who to call.
2. They Make Your House a Home
Who didn’t want a Rosie growing up? Aside from the Food Machine, she was the very best part of The Jetsons. A loving, caring, authoritative mother figure who helps you with your homework and keeps a perfect house? Name me one Roomba who can do that.
3. They Provide a Helpful PSA for Children About Safety
5. They Teach Us How To Love
6. They Struggle to understand human emotion in a really sweet way
“My Programming May Be Inadequate to the Task”
7. They Lead Us During Times of Crisis
Not only was Optimus Prime a brave and powerful leader, he was also a bit of an armchair philosopher. With such amazing lines as “Fate rarely calls upon us at a time of our choosing” and “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings“, I think I’d like to have a guy like Optimus around if nuclear war ever broke out or something. You know, if Churchill wasn’t available.
8. They Clean Up Our Streets
He might have some deep-seeded issues, but he means well.
9. They Make Really Fun Drinking Buddies
Lightweights
… And finally:
Because Robots Need Love Too
I ache. Therefore I am.
Like Marvin, the loveable yet chronically depressed Paranoid Android from Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, your robot (yes, we each get our own) may too, have some trouble adjusting to the inferior intellectual capacities of earth.
This is your opportunity to do something good for humdroidmanity!! Engage your robot’s planet-size brain in a rousing game of Risk. Plan a trip to the Museum of Modern Art. Organize a round-robin Rubik’s Cube Tournament. Anything you like. Just keep him away from the E! network.
Question of the Day: What would you like to see robots do?
With the Holiday season quickly drawing to a close and 2013 fast approaching, the internet is ablaze with “2012 year in review” posts. My favourite, of course, being the ones about annoying celebrities.
And since the 100 scotch cookies I’ve eaten over the past week have completely turned my brain to mush (that’s right, mom. I found your secret stash. muhahaha), I figured I’d weigh in with my own list of utterly unbearable celebrities in 2012.
1. Bethenny Frankel
I love hate to be gratuitously mean here, but there is just something about Bethenny Frankel’s face I really don’t like. Actually, it’s everything about her face. And her voice. And her personality.
I feel sort of bad harping on her, since her made-for-tv marriage just broke up and everything, but I really can’t help it. She just grinds my gears. Bethenny please, for the love of God, pack up your 8 TV shows, cookbook collection and SkinnyGirl Margaritas (which are gross, by the way) and just go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it’s not in my living room.
2. Lindsay Lohan
Oh, Lilo. It’s just a sin, really. There’s not much I can say here that hasn’t been beaten to death already..so instead I’ll just focus this portion of the post on the travesty that is her hair extensions.
I mean, really, Linds. I know you’ve been experiencing some financial difficulties as of late, but couldn’t you just pawn a stolen fur or something and get yourself some new ‘stensions? It’s the least you could do after making us sit through Liz and Dick. Plus, that nasty weave of yours sure as hell ain’t inspiring no confidence in any judges. Trust me. I know these things.
3. Rihanna & Chris Brown
If you, like me, have made the mistake of following BadgalRiRi on Twitter or Instagram, then you already know what I’m talking about. Her newsfeed, which, at the best of times, is a schizophrenic combo of ganja posts, half-naked selfies and “inspirational mantras”, has recently played host to her grade 8 style make-up/break-up/meltdown cycle with Chris Brown.
Plus this whole Karreuche Tran love triangle element. RiRi seriously needs to pull a Mary J Blige, cut the drama, and stick to doing what she does best: writing killer pop songs and performing them in front of Windows Screensavers on SNL.
Work that screensaver, girl
4. Honey Boo Boo
Y’all know I have shockingly low standards when it comes to my reality-tv (Ex-Wives of Rock, anyone?), but even I draw the line at Honey Boo Boo.
Never has anything so mentally and physically repulsed me within a 30 minute time period. Except for maybe my performance on the treadmill yesterday. But let’s not talk about that.
From the gourmet ‘sketti dinners, to the Go Go Juice, to Mama June’s “forklift foot” (for the love of God, do NOT google this), I just can’t even. It’s actually shocking to me how spoiled and ill-behaved this child is. The last thing homegirl needs is a renewed contract. What she really needs is a speech pathologist.
5. Tom Cruise
This one is also kind of gratuitous, because Tom didn’t really do anything in particular to piss me off in 2012; besides get his “heart broken” spectacularly. I just kind of can’t stand him. His voice. His smile. His glibness. I mean, just look at him:
Leave the “charmingly befuddled” thing to Hugh Grant, would you Tom?
There is a Scientology building in Toronto, and whenever I pass by it I like to imagine it as a 24-hour “Tom Cruise New Wife” screening centre. I always do a quick scan of the entrances for tall, endomorph midwestern girl next-door-types. No luck yet, though. They must be hiding them well.
Phew. Ok. End rant. I feel I can enter 2013 marginally less bitter now. Marginally.
Question of the Day: What celebrities do you find the most annoying?
If you watch the show Parks and Recreation, you will undoubtedly recognize the title of this post as the annual holiday celebrated by Tom (Aziz Ansari) and Donna (Retta) where they spend a day treating themselves to whatever they want.
Genius, right?
That’s why my mom, my sister, my aunt and I decided to take a page out Tom Haverford’s book and treat ourselves to a day at the spa on Friday. All of us have been so busy running around with Christmas preparations and buying gifts for everyone else, we figured why not get back to the true meaning of the holiday season: ourselves.
Plus, we obviously need to look our best for hitting up Tim Horton’s, Wal-Mart, the post office and all of the other small town Nova Scotia hotspots.
I’m sort of overstating how fabulous my family actually is. We bought the spa services for my mom and my aunt as part of their Christmas gift, and my sister and I decided to join them because we are delusional and think we can just do gratuitous sh*t like that for no reason.
Given my limited holiday budget, I was planning on just getting a shellac manicure; but then I mentioned to my sister that I might like a facial too. And you know what she said?
So I did.
It was a great afternoon of pampering and relaxation. I even fell asleep during my facial and woke myself up with my own snoring. (Yes, I just admitted that.) I was immediately self-conscious and worried about how long I’d been asleep for, but my facialist just gently dabbed my drool away with a warm towel and assured me that nearly everyone falls asleep. It’s all part of the process.
I then bonded with my manicurist over our mutual love for makeup. She told me she is getting an airbrush makeup gun for Christmas, and obviously I am now obsessed with these.
Guys, they make your skin look FLAWLESS. Like, I’m talking as airbrushed as this photo of Britbrit:
They are not even a little bit cheap, but you know what I’m thinking?
Alriiiiight.
Anyway, since Treat Yo’ Self Day, not much else has been going on here. Just chilling with friends and family, eating obscene amounts of baked goods, and of course, the corresponding guilt-fuelled workouts. A new gym just opened here in town, which is pretty much the biggest news since our new sidewalk:
Holla
Finally, let’s get to why you are all reading this post in the first place: the winners of my mixtape giveaway!!!
I tried using that random number generator to pick the winners, but despite the fact that I tweet like a pro and instagram like a boss, I’m otherwise technologically incompetent and couldn’t figure it out.
So I went with the obvious second choice: exploiting a small child.
With the help of my lovely assistant, we chose the following 5 winners via the ludite-proof “out of a hat” method.
Have you ever heard of PostSecret? It’s a blog filled with people’s anonymous secrets that they mail in on a homemade postcard.
I love reading them. They range from people’s deepest darkest secrets, to funny/embarrassing confessions like this one:
So in the spirit of PostSecret, I thought it might be fun to do a post where I confess a few embarrassing things to you guys. Which I know is what I do in pretty much every post. This just lets me string a bunch of random thoughts together and call it an “idea.”
1. I love the TV show “The Littlest Hobo”
For those of you who aren’t familiar, The Littlest Hobo was an early 1980′s Canadian television programme about an ownerless German Shepherd (Hobo) who travelled from town to town, helping people in need. It’s basically like Lassie North… vagrant styles.
Hobo would always save the day, and when the people he’d helped went to thank him, would have already jumped on a seemingly always available boxcar and skipped town.
I love this show for many reasons. The supreme acting, the early 80′s hairdos, the highly original and extremely realistic plotlines. Not to mention it has perhaps the best theme song of any show ever:
They still show reruns and I watch it all the time. I even record episodes. It’s not weird.
The other day I was the only person in the gym in my building and had complete control over the TV remote. I was flipping through the channels and was amped to find an episode of the Littlest Hobo on. I was getting really into it when another chick came into the gym and got on the treadmill beside me. She gave me this look, like “Really? Are we really watching The Littlest Hobo right now?” So I threw her back some shade with my own look that said “Yeah b*tch, that’s what’s up. And there’s nothing you can do about it, because I’M in control”.
So we watched it. And LH saved the day again. And I loved life. Then, afterwards this Cash-For-Gold infomercial came on, and I purposely didn’t change the channel out of spite.
How you like me now, biaaatch?
I might get this Littlest Hobo thing from my mom, who’s got mad love for Little House on the Prairie.
She watches it all the time but refuses to admit it. I’ll walk into the room and be like “What’s up mom? Watching Little House on the Prairie again?” and she’ll quickly change the channel and be like ”No! It’s ”The Doctors“. See look, they’re making a homeopathic remedy for constipation out of burdenga root!”
Now I understand. I just have far less shame, apparently.
2. My bookshelf is filled with books I’ve never read.
I’m sort of obsessed with buying books. Which I guess isn’t inherently a bad thing. You know, ”Literacy” and all that. Where the problem lies, however, is in the rate at which I read these books. It by no means matches the frequency and intensity with which I purchase them.
I’ll order a bunch of books online, and then get impatient waiting for them to arrive and buy more at the bookstore. Some of them I’ll start and get bored or distracted. Others I just forget about entirely, or decide I now have no interest in.
At this point, my bookshelf is at least 1/3 filled with books I’ve never read. And it sort of makes me feel like a fraud, because here I am advertising that I’ve read Slaughterhouse 5 when really, I’ve never read Slaughterhouse 5. I don’t even know what it’s about.Every day I walk past my copy of Infinite Jest and feel it shaming me. All 1079 witty, yet incomprehensible pages of it.
I think I just really like the idea of the person I would be if I read all of these books. Like last year, I decided I was going to get really into “The Classics”. So I went on Amazon and ordered half of the entire Penguin collection. In my mind it was going to make me all cultured and sophisticated, and I’d read shit like Great Expectations andunderstand Gwyneth Paltrow way better.
But I soon lost interest in the dense subject matter and looking up every second word in the dictionary, and switched back to Fluffy chic lit instead. I’ve had bigger failures.
3. I read Craigslist Missed Connections Every Night
Long-time readers of my blog already know this. I’ve even written a whole post about it. I just wanted to let you all know that yes, this is still happening. And yes, it is still really sad.
Question of the Day: Do you have any confessions to share?
What would you do if you had to spend one week without technology? Would you go crazy? Would it be a welcome reprieve?
This was the issue facing the one and only Tom Haverford in last week’s episode of Parks and Recreation.
Tom (played by the hilarious Aziz Ansari) was sentenced by a judge to a week without screens of any kind after getting into a car accident while tweeting. His negligence was proven by his pre-accident tweets, which included:
“Four green lights in a row. #blessed”
…….and this one:
A self-proclaimed techaholic, Tom is completely beside himself over this sentence and even goes so far as to make an imaginary Pinterest board and an iPhone out of paper.
Photo via Hulu
Eventually, Ron decides that enough is enough, and offers to take Tom to his cabin in the woods for a little serenity and detox time. While there, he encourages Tom to list out everything he does on the internet to get it out of his system once and for all:
Tom: “Okay, I start everyday by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes I like to throw in Linkedin. For the profession shawwwties.Then I like to go on Reddit. Reddit is great because it has all the important links…..”
………..”Wikipedia is mankind’s greatest invention. You can learn about anything. We all know Ray J. We all know he’s a singer. He’s Brandy’s brother. And he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian. But, did you also know he’s Snoop Dogg’s cousin AND he was in the 1996 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks? Suddenly, you’re on the Mars Attacks page!”
…………..”I love gChat, you can talk to anybody! I hit up brad.pitt. It wasn’t the actor. It was actually a guy named Brad that’s a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don’t have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit.”
……..”Podcasts! There are a million of them and they’re all amazing! Jean Ralphio and I have one called “Nacho Average Podcast”, where we rate different kinds of nachos.”
In the end, Tom admits that he relies on technology so much because things in his life aren’t going that great, and he’d rather play Doodlebots than think about it. I can sort of relate. Except that for me, technology is more of a crutch for my unwavering and crippling loneliness. I definitely notice a marked increase in my social media usage the lonelier/sadder/more homesick I am feeling… and maybe that’s a bad thing. But hey, at least it’s not heroin.
I took a quick mental tally of all the types of technology and social media I rely on. The verdict? Bad, but not as bad as Tom.
Things I love and use all the time:
TV (!!!)
My iPhone:
Yes this is a picture I took of myself looking wistfully at my iphone. And no, there is nothing sadder. Except for maybe how many takes there were of this.
Facebook
Youtube
Twitter – I rarely ever tweet, but I do heavily twitter-stalk Seth Meyers, Joel McHale, Mindy Kaling, Lena Dunham, Aziz Ansari (see how this all came full circle?) and a handful of other celebrities I like to pretend I’m friends with in real life.
Instagram-I only have like one follower though. Follow me! @ breezyk1. I can’t promise much, besides self-pics and coffee cups…
Blogging- obvi.
Buzzfeed – Strictly for the high ratio of cat to human pictures.
Things I don’t use:
Pinterest (I want to maintain some semblance of a life)
Gchat
Iphone games like Angry Birds, words with friends etc. (Again, with the life thing).
Skype (waaay too awkward for that noise)
Kindles/E- Readers (I like the whole “trophy case” effect of a bookshelf. Plus having a lot of books around just makes me look SMRT. )
Not my house
I actually thought about attempting a week without technology as a sort of blog experiment. But then I realized that was just the Pinot grigio talking and thought better of it. I’d miss all my gadgets and you guys would miss my quirky online presence. I’m sure of it
Question of the Day: Could you go a week without technology? Which types of technology/social media do you use the most?
