Review: The Last Girlfriend on Earth by Simon Rich

Simon Rich is a pretty impressive dude. At 28, he’s already held the position of editor-in-chief of the Harvard Lampoon, been the second youngest writer ever hired on Saturday Night Live, had countless short stories published in The New Yorker, and penned five books.

Yeah. You’re not alone if you’re feeling REALLY inadequate right now.

The Last Girlfriend on Earth is Rich’s latest collection of short stories. Each one is about love and relationships- but with a twist:

From  a story written from the perspective of a condom in a young boy’s wallet, to Dog Missed Connections, to a little girl’s imaginary goat who wants to become “more than just friends”, each story is delightfully charming, quirky, and undeniably hilarious.

I first discovered Simon Rich, and this book through an interview he did on The New Yorker Out Loud podcast. He read an excerpt from one of his short stories, and talked a lot about writing- particularly his time at SNL I thought he sounded funny, and since I’m a die-hard SNL fan (how awesome was JT this past weekend by the way?)

I obviously had to go out and buy this book… and I’m really glad I did.

It was the very definition of short (took me 2-3 hours to read total) and sweet. Besides just making me LOL, the best part for me was that each story read like an SNL skit. I found myself picturing how each one would be played out on-screen, and which SNL cast members would portray each character. I’d love to see the story about a blind date with an actual troll turned into a Lonely Island digital short, for example:

And I’ll never go back…  to my not having sex ways of the past

Given what he has done so far, I don’t think it will be long until Simon Rich is a household name. I can see him having his own TV show- sort of like the Mindy Project, but about Jewish New Yorkers and relationships. (Ok so that’s basically Seinfeld. Or Friends. But you catch my drift) 

I thought this book was fantastic, and you should definitely buy it if you enjoy Saturday Night Live, Woody Allen, The New Yorker, The Simpsons, Futurama, Dude Where’s My Car (for the sex aliens) or if you just straight up love to laugh.

I give it: 4.5 Intellectual Dachshunds

Question of the Day: Do you like short story collections or novels better?

Ain’t Got No Love For the Ding Dong?

So I know you’ve probably had enough of me after that long-ass diatribe I wrote last night about my experience at Sleep No More, but shockingly, I’ve got a few more things left to say.
Let’s just call this the “Friday Roundup of Randomness” shall we? (Or don’t, because that’s awful. )

1. Can we talk about Jamie Foxx hosting SNL last weekend?

Nailed it. From his monologue featuring 2 Chainz, to his portrayal as host of the game show “B*ttch, What’s the answer?” to his performance as a disgruntled Hostess Ding Dong, 2 thumbs way up.

2. I have no time for impatient people (<;;— see what I did there?). Especially the ones in line behind you at the grocery store who load all their stuff onto the belt and then push their empty carts alongside the register and edge you out completely as you're trying to pay. God FORBID you want to go back and get that package of mentos you've been eyeing, because face it buddy, you're f*cked now. You have nowhere to go but OUT.

3. My new favourite person to Twitter-stalk is Judd Apatow. Not only does he tweet back all of his fans, he posted like 100 self-pics from the This is 40 premiere. I’m working on the perfect tweet to him as we speak. I’m thinking something short, sweet, and to the point. i.e.:

“@juddapatow: Who’s Leslie?”

3. Instagram tells me that Lena Dunham and Aubrey Plaza are friends now.

WHY AM I NOT IN THIS PICTURE

4. I tuned into Real Housewives of New York the other night after a brief one-season hiatus. Apparently, I missed a lot. Like who are all these new b*tches? Where’s crazy Jill Zarin? And wtf is “Yummy Tummy”? Someone fill me in.

5. (This one I’m really excited about): My dad is coming to Toronto this weekend! Frequent blog readers know him as the crazy, reindeer print making husband of the even crazier neat freak/religious zealot that is my mother.. but I just know him as dear old dad. He’s in town for the Buffalo Bills game in Tdot on Sunday and we’re gonna paint the town red. (And by that I mean visiting the hockey hall of fame, going to church and eating at diners).

6. I wrote this post on my iPhone with my WordPress app. #sotechy

And finally, who wants to hear track 2 from my highly anticipated year in review mixtape??

EVERYONE? Ok, here it is:

Question of the Day: What are you doing this weekend? or, any random things to complain about?

P.S. for all you techies out there : in the words of Drunk Uncle: twitter me! Twitter me! @thecamellife
Or, holla at my Instagram: @breezyk1

The Best of Both Worlds with BreezyK

Sometimes I feel like I am living a double life.

Not in the made for tv-movie, “suburban soccer mom who exotic dances and turns tricks in a Chilis parking lot to support her coke habit …. and is also a man” sort of way, though. It’s a bit more subtle than that.

Though I’ve been feeling it for a while now- I really started thinking more about this  ”double-life” idea just the other day.

It was a particularly busy day at work, filled with meetings and a dinner in the evening- all of which requiring me to be in full-on, suited, corporate-mode. I also had tickets that night to see the band Tennis perform at Toronto’s Horseshoe Tavern, and was praying my dinner would be over in time to make it.  

The dinner ran long- as they often do- and with every passing self-congratulatory speech,  I began nervously checking my watch with increased frequency, worried about missing the opener. Finally, we were discharged, and I rushed back to my office where I had a change of clothes stashed in order to switch into something more “concert appropriate”.

Armed with my skinny jeans, boots and oversized scarf, I  rushed into the women’s washroom to change. And as I awkwardly struggled to button up my jeans and generally indie-fy myself in a too-small bathroom stall, I realized the hilarity of the situation. I am totally having a Clark Kent moment right now, I thought to myself.

And it really was… except  that this was a bathroom stall rather than a phone booth… and instead of super-human strength and leaping over tall buildings, my only “super powers” include being annoyingly sarcastic, and functional alcoholism. I’m guessing Clark Kent also never had  to worry about the cleaning lady walking in while he was applying (way too much) eyeliner and mistakenly thinking he was a lady of the night. (to her, this probably seemed like more of a “Pretty Woman” moment).

So yeah, like Clark Kent, who by day is a mild-mannered reporter, by day I live my own buttoned down, corporate existence:

Exhibit A: Corporate Breezyk. The huge zit on my chin and my hastily applied lipstick say "whaaatup"

But by night, I’m a wannabe hipster; attending concerts at questionable establishments, and brunching at unmarked hole-in-the-walls with mismatched cutlery and dinnerware. (It’s ok though. It’s ironic).

Exhibit B: post 9-5 BreezyK. Let's pretend my dancing in this pic is also "ironic". That would be far less embarrassing.

Plus, on top of all that, I’ve got this blog, where I air all of my dirty laundry and innermost neuroses share my super insightful thoughts on the world with all of you guys.  

By no means do I think any of this is novel, or that my situation is unique. I think this is something many people struggle with-  who we are at work is often very different from who we are at home with our families, when we’re out getting crunk with our friends, or even our blog personas. We all have our own little inconsistencies, it’s just a question of how much you can reconcile them.

I take comfort in the fact that none of us are alone in this,and maybe it’s true that to a certain extent, we all lead double lives. In fact, here are some famous examples:

Hugh Jackman

The Australian hearthrob, famous for playing such roles as Wolverine in X-Men and a robot-boxing-promoter in Real Steel, is also a tony-award winning broadway singer, dancer and actor. This dichotomy has become so famous that it even now forms the basis of a recurring SNL skit,  “The Best of Both Worlds with Hugh Jackman” where Hugh (played by Andy Samberg) interviews other famous guests with contradictory personalities.

James Franco

Franco, most famous for being adorable and hilarious in such stoner comedies as Freaks and Geeks and Pineapple Express, also has, like 75 university degrees (and is currently obtaining his PhD in English from Yale), and is a published short-story writer and artist.   

Geena Davis

Who knew that Thelma was also a women’s olympic archery team semi-finalist?  

So moral of the story? We’re all frauds. But hey, at least it makes things more interesting.

Question of the Day: Are you living a double life?

White Meat, Dark Meat, You Just Can’t Lose

So, today is Thanksgiving up here in the Great White North…. and while I could regale you with anecdotes about Thanksgivings past (like that time my brother tried to microwave his turkey dinner on gold-plated china and blew a hole the size of a twoonie in the microwave); or provide you with a list of things I’m thankful for (Kim K’s wedding special tonight on E!- enough said), instead I’m just going to present you with some of my favourite Thanksgiving clips. Enjoy- and happy thanksgiving! Go hug a turkey today! (And i guess your loved ones, too).

1. South Park- Starvin’ Marvin Thanksgiving Special:

The gang sends money to an African charity in the hopes of getting a sports watch… but instead, they get this Ethiopian kid..  damn that Sally Struthers!

watch the full episode here

2. Friends- The one where Joey gets a turkey stuck on his head:

So many great Friends thanksgiving clips… so little time. Honorable mention goes to Joey’s Thanksgiving pants

3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles- Those Aren’t Pillows

Catch that Bears game? Yah, great game.

4. Adam Sandler- The Thanksgiving Song:

Could only get the audio on this one (grr SNL Copyright), but even with no video.. still awesome

Question of the Day: What (besides these hilarious videos) are YOU thankful for?