Viva Las Vegas (Giveaway!!)

In true lapsed Catholic fashion, this year I’ve decided to spend Easter weekend in the un-holiest place on earth: Vegas Baby!!

That’s right folks- by the time you read this, I will be on my way to Sin City with 17 other bad b*tches to celebrate the bachelorette parties of two of our closest friends. Yep- a DOUBLE bachelorette. God help our livers us all.

I was initially worried that my very devout mother would be horrified at the idea of my spending Good Friday popping bottles with Diddy at Wet Republic,

But apparently she’s way too busy worrying about Pope Francis to even notice. (“I mean, I know he preaches the simple life and all.. but if he doesn’t start using more security soon he’s not gonna be preaching anything at all” )

So I think I’m all set! I’ve got my flip flops, sunglasses, magazines, a crap- ton of candy, and this divine piece of literature for the plane:

The lady at Chapters assured me that it was “amazing” and “a total page turner”, but with lines like “the next time I drive a Ferrari, I’ll be sure to wear a longer skirt” – I have my doubts.

Anyway, I’ve never been to Vegas, but if it’s anything like I’ve seen in the movies, then I expect to do at least one, if not more of the following things while I’m there:

1. Play a specialized role in an organized casino heist with a motley crew of 11 12 13 sidekicks

2. Lose one of the bachelorettes, kidnap Mike Tyson’s tiger and pull my own tooth out

3. Develop an elaborate card counting scheme under the direction of my mentor, Nicholas Cage

4. Marry Ashton Kutcher and split a $3 million jackpot

5. Launder millions of superdollars in a counterfeit scam involving the Triads

6. Thwart Project Vulcan after nearly being assisinated by FemmeBots

7. Form an unlikely relationship with a hardened prostitute and suddenly develop a new lease on life

8. Lose all of my money gambling and have to share a $1.49 buffet with my cousin Eddie

9. Enter a beauty pageant in order to save the original Captain Kirk

10. Get hopped up on acid and drive around in an old Eldorado

Yes my friends, in Vegas, anything is possible!!

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and that the Easter bunny finds you. (For your sake, I hope it’s not the same one whose lap I sat on in grade 1.)

*Not me

And if you want to make your Easter REALLY special, you can enter my Festive East-Vegas Giveaway! Just match each of the Vegas activities listed above with the correct movie below, and you could win a free CAMEL LIFE TSHIRT!!

Unfortunately, it’s a ladies size small, so if it doesn’t fit then I guess you’ll just have to frame it and hang it on your wall along with the rest of your BreezyK memorabilia. The winner will also receive a personalized Easter card from me and a Las Vegas themed trinket for your garbage home!

If more than one person guesses the order correctly, I will take bribes draw names.

Here is the list of movies to be matched with the correct # above. Good luck!

A. National Lampoon’s Vegas vacation

B. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

C. Rush Hour 2

D. What Happens in Vegas

E. The Hangover

F. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

G. 21

H. Oceans 11/12/13

I. Leaving Las Vegas

J. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Contest closes on Sunday, March 31 at high noon!

Question of the Day: What are your plans for Easter weekend?

10 Reasons Not to Be Afraid Of Robots

Meet Robonaut 2.

Robonaut (or “R2” for short) is a humanoid robot designed by NASA to work alongside astronauts in space, performing dangerous or routine tasks so humans won’t have to. Footage of R2 working on the International Space Station was released this week; making him somewhat of an internet sensation.

R2 resembles a human from the waist-up, and has hands, arms and human-like dexterity. He can even do sign language!

If you’re anything like me, then you’re probably a little freaked out by all of this. You might be thinking, gee, this is a great scientific development and all, but what if that robot gets tired of wearing his heavy spacesuit all day and decides he wants my job instead? What if robots start taking all the jobs? Or worse- get their own reality shows. After that, it’s only a matter of time before total world domination.

Your concerns are not without merit.

But if there’s one thing Pop Culture has taught us, it’s that Robots are nothing to be afraid of.*

We should be excited, not scared, about the prospect having a few more Robots around. Here, as evidenced by pop culture, are just a few of the reasons why:

*With the notable exceptions of Decepticons, HAL 9000, Psycho Rangers, and Mario Lopez.

1. They Help You Out of Difficult Situations

If our friend R2D2 is any indication, Robots are some tough muthafu*kas. Not only are they incredibly skilled problem solvers, they also kick ass and take names 24/7. Let’s just say that if I ever found myself on the Planet Endor fighting off a legion of Imperial Troops, I’d know who to call.

2. They Make Your House a Home

Who didn’t want a Rosie growing up? Aside from the Food Machine, she was the very best part of The Jetsons. A loving, caring, authoritative mother figure who helps you with your homework and keeps a perfect house? Name me one Roomba who can do that.

3. They Provide a Helpful PSA for Children About Safety

5. They Teach Us How To Love

6. They Struggle to understand human emotion in a really sweet way

“My Programming May Be Inadequate to the Task”

7. They Lead Us During Times of Crisis

Not only was Optimus Prime a brave and powerful leader, he was also a bit of an armchair philosopher. With such amazing lines as “Fate rarely calls upon us at a time of our choosing” and “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings“, I think I’d like to have a guy like Optimus around if nuclear war ever broke out or something. You know, if Churchill wasn’t available.

8. They Clean Up Our Streets

He might have some deep-seeded issues, but he means well.

9. They Make Really Fun Drinking Buddies

Lightweights

… And finally:

Because Robots Need Love Too

I ache. Therefore I am.

Like Marvin, the loveable yet chronically depressed Paranoid Android from Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, your robot (yes, we each get our own) may too, have some trouble adjusting to the inferior intellectual capacities of earth.

This is your opportunity to do something good for humdroidmanity!! Engage your robot’s planet-size brain in a rousing game of Risk. Plan a trip to the Museum of Modern Art. Organize a round-robin Rubik’s Cube Tournament. Anything you like. Just keep him away from the E! network.

Question of the Day: What would you like to see robots do?

Ain’t Got No Love For the Ding Dong?

So I know you’ve probably had enough of me after that long-ass diatribe I wrote last night about my experience at Sleep No More, but shockingly, I’ve got a few more things left to say.
Let’s just call this the “Friday Roundup of Randomness” shall we? (Or don’t, because that’s awful. )

1. Can we talk about Jamie Foxx hosting SNL last weekend?

Nailed it. From his monologue featuring 2 Chainz, to his portrayal as host of the game show “B*ttch, What’s the answer?” to his performance as a disgruntled Hostess Ding Dong, 2 thumbs way up.

2. I have no time for impatient people (<;;— see what I did there?). Especially the ones in line behind you at the grocery store who load all their stuff onto the belt and then push their empty carts alongside the register and edge you out completely as you're trying to pay. God FORBID you want to go back and get that package of mentos you've been eyeing, because face it buddy, you're f*cked now. You have nowhere to go but OUT.

3. My new favourite person to Twitter-stalk is Judd Apatow. Not only does he tweet back all of his fans, he posted like 100 self-pics from the This is 40 premiere. I’m working on the perfect tweet to him as we speak. I’m thinking something short, sweet, and to the point. i.e.:

“@juddapatow: Who’s Leslie?”

3. Instagram tells me that Lena Dunham and Aubrey Plaza are friends now.

WHY AM I NOT IN THIS PICTURE

4. I tuned into Real Housewives of New York the other night after a brief one-season hiatus. Apparently, I missed a lot. Like who are all these new b*tches? Where’s crazy Jill Zarin? And wtf is “Yummy Tummy”? Someone fill me in.

5. (This one I’m really excited about): My dad is coming to Toronto this weekend! Frequent blog readers know him as the crazy, reindeer print making husband of the even crazier neat freak/religious zealot that is my mother.. but I just know him as dear old dad. He’s in town for the Buffalo Bills game in Tdot on Sunday and we’re gonna paint the town red. (And by that I mean visiting the hockey hall of fame, going to church and eating at diners).

6. I wrote this post on my iPhone with my WordPress app. #sotechy

And finally, who wants to hear track 2 from my highly anticipated year in review mixtape??

EVERYONE? Ok, here it is:

Question of the Day: What are you doing this weekend? or, any random things to complain about?

P.S. for all you techies out there : in the words of Drunk Uncle: twitter me! Twitter me! @thecamellife
Or, holla at my Instagram: @breezyk1

Aliens Come to Earth for Bieber, Stay for Stuffed Crust Pizza

Residents of South-western Ontario were stunned last Friday when an Unidentified Flying Object carrying over two dozen extraterrestrials from the Planet Zyrgon landed in a corn field just outside of Stratford.

“Yeah, it was sorta strange” said Red Tucker, the owner of the property. “I had just finished spraying the crops for billbugs when I looked up to see this big, blue thing coming outta the sky… and I thought to myself ‘Now what’s this all about.’”

Despite initial reservations, the Stratford residents soon came to embrace their Zyrgonian visitors, who, in turn, took an immediate shining to the small Ontario town.

“We love it here,” said Captain Zaphod Beeblebrox, head of the Zyrgonian forces. “Earth is awesome!”

Zyrgonians had limited knowledge of Earth until a few months ago, when their satellite systems began picking up an audio signal from a far off galaxy. “The signal was so high-pitched and unrelenting that it broke the intergalactic sound barrier!” exclaimed Beeblebrox.

While either inaudible or insufferable to male Zyrgonians, the sounds proved intoxicating to the planet’s females.

“It caused mass hysteria, and almost fever-like symptoms among our females,” explained Beeblebrox. “And since Zyrgon has been experiencing a population decline and chronically low birth rates for the past 10,000 years, we became eager to harness the power of this intense aphrodisiacal force and bring it back to our planet to ensure the procreation of our species”.

“We initially thought the sounds might be emanating from some sort of nuclear testing facility; or perhaps a large dying mammal;” continued Beeblebrox, “however, after setting up some intelligence in the way of sophisticated Earth-Rovers and several highly trained Zyrgonian forces disguised as Starbucks Baristas, we discovered that the sounds were actually coming from an 18-year-old homosapien man-child known as ‘Justin Bieber’.”

According to Beeblebrox, the Zyrgonian forces had been conducting reconnaissance and plotting Bieber’s capture for months. “When our intelligence informed us last week that Bieber had recently been discarded by his long-time girlfriend, Selena Gomez, we knew his defences would be down and it was time to make our move.”

And so the Zyrgonians boarded their spaceship to make the 10,000 light year trek to Earth in pursuit of Bieber.

“Originally, we wanted nothing of earth besides the Bieber Man-child,” explained Beeblebrox. “Our species has been in existence for over 7 million years, and our intelligence quotient is quadruple that of the average human being. We assumed we would have no use for Earthlings and their primitive ways. However, we soon discovered that humans have developed a number of remarkable technologies that Zyrgonians could not even begin to imagine.”

“Like this, for example,” said Captain Beeblebrox, holding up an open pizza box. “They call it ‘hot dog stuffed crust pizza’. It is the most glorious tasting thing ever created. The flavour profile is simply outstanding; and greatly supersedes our regular diet of Zyrgon Rocks, carbon dioxide and Tang.”

“We have also grown very fond of an Earthling child by the name of “Honey Boo Boo”, added Beeblebrox.”We would very much like to meet her and her guardian Miss Mama June in order to obtain their secret recipe for the “Go Go Juice”. We think this would be most useful fuel for our spaceship.”

When asked what else they liked about earth, the Zyrgonians rattled off an extensive list, including Snuggies, PajamaJeans, the SlapChop, and a myriad of other products largely sold on infomercials.

“And that song, “Call Me Maybe”, added Captain Beeblebrox. “I know I should hate it…. but I kind of love it.”

Despite their newfound love for Earth’s products, there are some things about our planet that still confuse the Zyrgonians.

“Initially, we had thought Mr. Bieber to be the supreme leader of your planet, given the rate at which he was praised and adored by Earthlings;” Explained Captain Beeblebrox. “However, we soon discovered that Earthlings seem to admire not one leader, but rather hundreds of false idols known as ‘Stars’”.

“Using our intelligence, we assembled this detailed constellation chart”. Captain Beeblebrox held up a large piece of paper with the names of hundreds of Celebrities in a complex web, all surrounding one name that had been starred in the middle. “As you can see, there are various tiers and rankings. We have yet to identify one supreme leader; however it all seems to come back to this one man in the centre; a ‘Kevin Bacon.’”

The Zyrgonians it seems, have no intention of leaving anytime soon, and have turned the corn fields where they landed into a makeshift home. “At least they’re keeping the damn crows away,” commented Mr. Tucker.

And as for their plot to kidnap the young Bieber? “He invited us to his Grandmother’s house for tea,” said Beeblebrox, “And after that, we just couldn’t go through with it. I mean, have you seen Never Say Never? How could you not love the kid?”

Indeed, the Zyrgonians and young Bieber have become unlikely pals, and are even in the process of recording a new single together. “We are working on a collaboration for his next album,” added Beeblebrox, enthusiastically “It’s called “ExtraTerrestrial Boyfriend” and it features at least 15 other names on our constellation chart. We couldn’t be more excited.”

Question of the Day: Do you believe in aliens? If so, what do you think they’re like?

Starbucks’ Hipster Formula

I used to think I wasn’t cool enough for Starbucks.I’d walk in, immediately become overwhelmed and intimidated by the hiss of the espresso machines, the excruciating inflections of the over-enthusiastic barristas and the complicated looking Italian words on the menu,  and promptly rush across the street to Tim Horton’s instead.

Corporate Breezyk loves her some Starbucks. (Photo courtesy of my friend Stephanie, who thought we were going on a coffee break, but instead was forced to take 75 pictures of me doing this exact same pose on her blackberry.. suckaaa)

I chalk this up to being from a small town where the closest starbucks was two hours away, and the double-double reigned supreme. But after a couple years of being a big city girl myself, I now am not only a Starbucks fan; I’ve also perfected the art of ordering. 

Every morning, I cooly sidle up to the counter, give the barrista my best “”I’m really f**cking busy, so let’s just do this“ look, and confidently order my grande Americano (in a venti cup, mind you)- soy at the bar, please. If I’m feeling a little crazy, I might even tack on a spontaneous banana. I like to live dangerously.

I’d pat myself on the back for being such a Starbucks aficionado,  if it weren’t for the fact that pretty much everybody else is one too. That person in front of you? Guaranteed their order  is 10X more complicated than yours,  and involves a “pump” of something or other, something “drizzled” or “sprinkled”, strict stipulations on the amount of foam, and possibly the use of a thermometer.

What really amazes me though is not only the sheer number, but the varied types of  people who all share a love for Starbucks.  Seriously. Hipsters, corporate executives, interns, soccer moms, highschoolers, movie producers, Britney Spears, the homeless-  they may be polarized on other issues, but if you cut them, do they all not bleed Christmas Blend??

Wannabe hipster breezyk at the first S-bucks store in Seattle.. don't be jealous

In a world where everything is cliché- somehow,  it’s still not embarrassing to say you like Starbucks. I mean, it’s no chi-chi European espresso, or fair-trade organic drip that comes with instant karma points…  but what Starbucks is, is cool enough to get by.

 

So how do they do it?  I for one, think they’ve got a formula that combines the perfect level of hipsterness with mainstream appeal to pull in the masses: 

1. Location

• Each location is slightly different, and caters to their clientele. The one in my young, urban neighbourhood for example is in a cool old  historic building with worn-in leather couches and 19 year-old hipster barristas with asymmetrical haircuts. The one in my office tower at work, however, is all business. I’m convinced the employees are all droids operated from a single switchboard, and the place is set up like a human cattle herding device. It’s narrow as shit, and I don’t even think there are any seats in there because, let’s just face it, THERE’S NO TIME!!!!!!!!

2. Sustenance

• They pander to the ever-increasing anorexic crowd with all of those mini cupcakes and “petite scones”  that are basically the size of my baby toenail. I also noted recently that almost everything in the display case is now preceded by the word “Artisan”.. which doesn’t fundamentally change anything about it, but subliminally sends the message that its made by real “salt-of-the-earth” types in an actual bakery, and not  by Kris Humphries in a factory in Minnesota. (Seriously. that’s his job now).

3. Music

• The music they play inside is always something that makes you feel slightly cooler for having listened to it (like Fleet Foxes, John Legend, Or Etta James) but not SO cool that it’s alienating in that “so obscure you probably never heard of it” sort of way.  Plus they are always offering free iTunes downloads and selling mixtapes. A mixtape of anything increases indie cred substantially.
  

  Starbucks: offering a great beard growing soundtrack at all times

4. Corporate Responsibility: 

• They craftily mitigate their would-be “big, bad, corporate conglomerate” status by being all do-goody and selling that Ethos water that tastes like shit, but you can’t complain about because starving babies in Africa are using it to make Soy Lattes. (Or something like that). Plus now they’re building all these “green” stores and ethically sourcing their coffee beans. Show-offs. 

I sort of picture it to be like that movie, “Weird science”…. two nerdy executives load all of these elements into a supercomputer, but instead of a hot babe, out comes a half corporate/half hipster looking Human Centaur,  drinking a Frappuccino and rocking out to Feist on an iPod while wearing skinny jeans and a casual sweater.

Maybe carrying around one of those white cups emblazoned with a green sea-lady doesn’t send the message of unattainable coolness- but what it does do is reduce us all to the lowest common denominator. It says, ”Hey, I’m non-threatening, have at least average taste, and am smart enough to  remember a drink order that contains 17 or more words“.

And if that’s not enough validation, then I don’t really know what it is.

Question of the Day:  Are you a Starbucks fan?