You Googled What?? (The Sequel)

Between all the talk about self-doubt, fate and serendipity, plus my novice literary critiques, I feel like things have been getting a little heavy around here lately.

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Intellectual Dachshund says: Who you calling”heavy”? Last time I checked, I’m not the one who hasn’t been to the gym in a week .

Ahem. I said we’ll talk about this later.

Anyway, today, I’m going to lighten the mood a little by resurrecting a feature I like to call: “You Googled What??”-  a collection of the most ridiculous, obscene,and sometimes just plain sad search terms people have used to find my blog.  (If you missed the first installment, you can find it here.)  Below are just a few of my favorites- along with some color commentary.

“epi-pen party”

Um. Is this a thing? Because, like, not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but it sounds kind of dangerous. You should probably have a doctor on hand. And everyone’s up-to-date emergency contact information.

Safety first!

Safety first!

Other than that, have fun you crazy kids!

“Hanging with Mr. Cooper”

Boy, this one brought me back. Who didn’t love this mid-90′s TV gem about a charismatic retired NBA player turned substitute teacher who moves in with his two gorgeous female friends? Think Three’s Company, but with an urban twist.

Mark Curry in Hangin' With Mr. Cooper

Not only was Hangin with Mr. Cooper quality TV programming on its own, it also had the privilege of being included in potentially the best TGIF lineup ever (IMO): featuring Family Matters, Boy Meets World and Step by Step.

There are too many wonderful things in this pic to count.

There are too many wonderful things in this pic to count.

I was curious what ever happened to Mark Curry (aka Mr. Cooper), so I did a little Googling. Apparently, he is now on the Nick-at-Nite family show See Dad Run with Scott Baio (!!) and does stand up comedy on the side. He also got burned pretty badly a few years back after a can of aerosol spray exploded in his house, and he contemplated suicide for a while, until he talked to Sinbad (!!!) and decided that life really was worth living after all.

I honestly can’t even make this sh*t up.

“small town guy just trying to fit in”

Call Me.

Especially if you happen to look like this.

Especially if you look like this.

“home alone bird lady”

Sin, guys. ……………I mean, I know I kind of look like her, but really.

birdlady4

“why would someone steal my hairbrush”

OMG you too??? WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US

“Am I meant to be alone forever?”

While I unfortunately do not have a crystal ball, I can give you this handy little quiz to help you answer that one:

1)     Do you have a cat?

2)     How many?

3)     Is your PVR more than 80% filled with episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and/or Real Housewives?

4)     Do you collect human hair?

5)      Do you refer to the side of the bed you don’t sleep on as “the storage side” ?

mindyproj

If you answered yes to 87% or more of these questions, then I’m sorry to tell you that yes, you are a card-carrying member of the Forever Single Club. But never fear! In the words of the King Of Pop:

jackson

“best diorama ever”

Finding the “best diorama ever” is an incredibly noble pursuit. That’s why I thought I would help by identifying a few suggestions: diorama8 diorama1

….. also, apparently marshmallow peep dioramas are a thing:

diorama3 diorama4 diorama5 diorama6 diorama7

…. and my ultimate winner:

diorama2

“I want to make an artificial jungle to submit in my school for an exhibition”

……you should totally do that. And then send photos. Actually, live footage would be preferable.

“camel on America’s next top model All Stars”

Um. Is this true?? Because that would be AWESOME. I bet that Camel could show those skinny b*tches a thing or two about posing.

My humps.. my lovely lady lumps

My humps.. my lovely lady lumps

“is being a quirky girl a good thing?”

My heart breaks for the poor, insecure girl who searched this. Mostly because it was probably me.

“indie love mixtape”

Yes, please.

closure

“what to do if kids happen to see their Christmas gifts on Christmas eve and ruin the surprise”

…Give up now because you are obviously the worst mother ever and nothing in your kid’s life will ever be the same again. Way to ruin everything, mom.

cryin

“how to identify leftover yarn”

Like, are we talking from a pile of other non-yarn related items? Or from a pile of other pieces of yarn, some of which new, some of which “leftover”? …. Either way… you should probably just ask your mom.

Question of the Day: What is the weirdest Google search term you’ve Had lately?

You Googled What??

The world is a strange and mysterious place.

I am reminded of this almost every time I log into WordPress and peruse the list of search terms people have used to find my blog.

While many are unsurprising (“Camel”, “Breezyk”,  “unbelievably hot Sex Goddess”), others are pretty funny, and some just downright weird.

Regardless, they give me a good chuckle every time I read them, so I thought I would share a few of the best with you guys today.

Lord knows we could all use a good laugh, given that it’s now the second most miserable month of the year (after February), and the days are about as long as an episode of Breaking Amish ( not nearly long enough).

Not to mention the fact that I’ve heard the term “electoral college” way more times in the past 24 hours than I have enough booze for. In the words of the great Canadian treasure Avril Lavigne: Americans, why you gotta go and make things so complicated?

Hurts mah GD brain, y’all.

Here we go:

 The 10  15* Best Search Terms That Have Led People to My Blog Lately:

*I tried to narrow it down, but couldn’t. There were just too many gems.  My editorial notes can be found below.

1. “where to find lonely people”

- Ding ding!!

2. “nadya suleman creepy”

-  couldn’t agree more.

3. “i wish my voice was like Lil’ Wayne’s”

- I wish a lot of things of mine were like Lil’ Waynes. Most notably, my bank account.

4. “fat ginger women”

- this one is just perplexing. I don’t even know any fat ginger women. Besides maybe Ron Weasley’s mom from Harry Potter. And I don’t even really know her. I just read about her once in a book. Keep searchin’, buddy.

5. “hipster ukelele”

- awesome.

6. “funny pictures about snacks”

- there is nothing funny about snacks. Snacks are sacred.

7. “Nice things about living in Nova Scotia”

- answer: EVERYTHING.

Well, besides the chronically high unemployment. And the mixed precipitation. And the low number of Starbucks per capita. But besides that.. everything else.

8 “loneliness is highly overrated”

- is it? caaaause I thought I made it look pretty miserable…

9. “seth meyers hot”

- Preach, like-minded google searcher!

10. “How long does carb face last?”

- Well, if you’re like me (checks watch), about 27 years.

11. “drink in moderation”

- Haha. Ha.

12. الورد الاحمر.

- still working on this one.

13. “my dirty laundry”

- sorry, you’ll only find mine here I’m afraid.

14. “archery backpack”

- Sorry I couldn’t help you, person who searched this. Let me know when you find one though. I’ve also been looking for a more efficient means of transporting my archery supplies.

hook a homeboy up too, would ya?

15. “”God wants to talk to you but can’t”

- Oh, I’m sure he does…

So to recap: according to Google, I am a lonely, ukelele-playing ginger woman with a voice like Lil Wayne and a penchant for archery, who lives in Nova Scotia, is a moderate drinker, and has not yet found God.

Sounds about right.

To all the Googling weirdos, creepers and lonely souls out there: keep on searching. You’ll get it right eventually.

Question of the Day: Any good google searches to share?