10 Second Book Reviews – Stuff I’ve Read Lately

Remember when I said I was going to read 52 books in 2013?

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Bet you thought I quit that noise, didn’t you? Tossed my lofty stack of paperbacks to the side, and said “the hell with it”! – content to do nothing but eat peanut M&M’s and watch Teen Mom in a ball of shame and self-loathing for the rest of my life;

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…..all the while wiping away my tears and spilled wine droplets with pages of my abandoned Infinite Jest.

Well guess what fools? You’re WRONG. Or at least partially wrong. The Teen Mom and chocolate are still happening, I’m just reading books too! (and they’re MILK chocolate M&Ms, so take that haters!!)

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I’m currently on book 36, and since I haven’t done any reviews in a while, I thought I’d catch you all up to speed on some of what I’ve been reading lately- in 10 seconds or less! Kind of like that Nicholas Cage movie…

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……….except nothing like that Nicholas Cage movie.

Iris Has Free Time

by Iris Smyles

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I think a more apt title for this book would have been “Iris is annoying”. (Good one, Breezyk!) Billed by reviewers as “for fans of HBO’s Girls”, the book- which is basically a collection of thinly-veiled semi-autobiographical essays – follows 20-something “Iris” (wonder where she came up with that one), a recent college grad with dreams of becoming a writer, as she gets drunk navigates New York City.

While some of the stories were charming and even funny, I had a hard time relating to Iris. I found her privileged, self-absorbed and desperately seeking attention (not that I would know anything about that).

Listen, I’m all for writing your own memoir as a 20-something who has done nothing remarkable in her life (hellooo.. this blog); but at the very least, find something relevant or funny to talk about besides just your “pink-outs” (which Iris calls being black-out drunk, “because she’s a girl”. Ugh.).

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I give it: 1.5/5  Intellectual Dachshunds

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A Hologram For the King

by Dave Eggers

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After Finishing Iris, this book was a breath of fresh- albeit slightly melancholic- air. The novel follows Alan Clay, a middle-aged divorcee who has been straight up bum-rushed by the recession and can’t afford to put his daughter through college. In a last-ditch attempt to turn his luck around and finally “do something great”, he goes to Saudi Arabia to make a presentation to the elusive King Abdullah in the hope of selling him hologram technology.

 [Insert 2Pac reference here].

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It’s a book where not much happens, but a lot happens at the same time.. which probably makes no sense, but just know that it’s pretty great. Dave Eggers’ writing style is extremely readable, and I was hooked from the very first page. I  also learned that the book is being made into a film starring Tom Hanks, which I’m excited about.  This book would be great to read over the fall, or to give as a gift- particularly for the men in your life. (So I’m giving it to no one). 

I give it: 4/5 Intellectual Dachshunds

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One Last Thing Before I Go

by Jonathan Tropper

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In a word? Meh. I had read his book “This Is Where I Leave You” before and thought it was just so-so, but I thought I’d give him another shot. 

I was underwhelmed. In fact, I actually forgot I even read it when compiling this list. The story surrounds washed-up musician Drew Silver, who after suddenly falling ill, is told that without brain surgery, he might die. Rather than go through with it, he instead takes a long-ass time to “think things over”- and in the meantime we are treated to a heavy dose of his middle-aged malaise and baby mama drama.  I thought when reading it that it could easily become a second-rate romantic comedy- and lo and behold, I find out it IS  going to become a second-rate romantic comedy…. so we can all look forward to that. 

2/5 Intellectual Dachshunds

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Middlesex

by Jeffrey Eugenides

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A.Maz.Ing. One of the top 5 books I’ve ever read. (Which I guess makes sense, since it won the Pulitzer and all). Although it’s really about a lot of things, the book at its center is about a rare genetic mutation as it moves from one generation to the next of a Greek-American immigrant family. I won’t spoil the surprise- because it’s worth discovering on your own.

Although it was long, and a bit of a saga at times (took me over a month to get through) it was well worth it. The word “masterpiece” literally comes to mind when I think about this book. Ok I will stop gushing now and pretending I know anything about literature.. but seriously, Go and read it!

4.5/5 Intellectual Dachshunds

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Question of the Day: What Great Book Have You Read Lately?

Friday Five

So it’s only my fourth day of consecutive posting, and I’m already exhausted. Remind me again why I signed up for this??

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Since writing a post about one coherent topic feels like A LOT right now, here instead are a bunch of random things I’ve been thinking about lately, all wrapped up under one alliterative title! Enjoy!

1. SNL

(and the amazingness that is BLERTA)

This past Saturday, SNL debuted for it’s 39th season; and because I’m kind of a loser die hard, I skipped out on a party to stay home and watch it. (Yes, I am aware I’m dying alone.)

Hosted by Tina Fey, it was the first episode in what has been dubbed a “rebuilding year” after the departure of Bill Hader, Fred Armisen, and mah boo Jason Sudeikis, and the addition of 6 new white guys cast members.

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Although I expected the night to be a total disaster, there were actually a few standout moments – like this parody of HBO’s “Girls” introducing Blerta, the Albanian refugee who keeps all those whiny white b*tches in check with her truth-telling. (and should 100% be made into a full-time cast member.. just saying).

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(Canadians can watch the full clip here)

Blerta is seriously my homegirl.

Side note: does anyone else remember those t-shirts?

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I bought one circa 2004 pretty much solely to shock my Catholic parents, and when I wore it I thought I was the SH*T. I also had a t-shirt with Jimi Hendrix’s face on it, despite never actually having listened to Jimi Hendrix. All of this serves as further proof that I am, in fact, a fraud.

2. Fall Weather

I hate to be one of those girls who just can’t S.T.F.U. about fall, but guys, I honestly can’t help it. October is f*cking amazing. Thanksgiving, Halloween, my BIRTHDAY, pumpkins, not sweating Whitney Houston styles on the subway every morning.. I mean, life really doesn’t get much sweeter than that.

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Plus, with this weather I am actually motivated to get out and run for a change. You see, since the Treadmill, Cold Weather and Too Hot Weather are BreezyK Public Enemies #1, 2 and 3, there is really only a short window of opportunity during which running doesn’t completely make me want to kill myself.

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Since we’re currently in the sweet spot, the other day, I decided to go for a run on the Lakeshore path in Toronto and it was glorious. I of course had to instagram it to show all of my friends how superior I am for exercising:

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And in doing so, nearly fell into Lake Ontario. Don’t ever let anyone tell you karma isn’t a b*tch, kids.

3. This

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4. The Return of Primetime TV

With the notable exception of Big Brother, it was a long, dry summer for TV up in here. I was seriously beginning to worry I was going to have to find a hobby or something… Or worse, actually leave my apartment.

On a weeknight?!

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Alas, I can continue my sloth-like ways, because all of my stories have returned to their rightful place inside my dream box. There’s

The New Girl,

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The Mindy Project

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Parks and Recreation, X FACTOR. I could go on. There are also a few new shows that I think might have potential- like Seth MacFarlane’s Dads starring Seth Green and Giovanni Ribisi, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, starring Andy Samberg as a wise-cracking cop.

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I can’t tell if it’s going to be good or garbage but I will support the co-creator of Laser Cats until the day I die.

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5. Fresh New Tracks

Besides just being the season where outfits look the best on me and my skin glows most luminous, fall is also an amazing season for music. Some of my favourite artists are out with new stuff, like Arcade Fire, and Drake (even though he jacked my outfit) as well as some cool new bands I hadn’t heard before, and I’ve got a few sweet concerts lined up. Here’s a track I’ve had on heavy rotation lately to help carry you into the weekend…..and also make you vaguely crave a pumpkin spice latte.

No? Just me on the latte then?

Question of the Day:

(get ready- because it’s a really deep one)

What’s your favourite season?

5 Tips For Surviving A Summer Music Festival

It’s been about a month since you last heard from me, and in that time a lot has happened. Mostly sitting on my ass watching TV (damn you Big Brother and City Girl Diaries!); but shockingly, also a few things that involved leaving my apartment.

Like attending Lollapalooza – the annual three-day music festival in downtown Chicago, Illinois.

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As a 27-year-old music festival virgin, I will admit that I didn’t really know what to expect. Would I have fun? Was I too old for all of this? What if I fell for the Jimmy Kimmel trap and became a viral sensation? 

Luckily, I ended up having the time of my life. However, there are a few things I wish I had known before boarding that flight filled with excited 21-year-olds debating the merits of the male tank top. And to spare you all the same fate, I’ve decided to share them with you today.

1. But What Will I Wear!

I’ll just go ahead and save you the trouble of Googling “festival chic” and trolling Urban Outfitters for hours on end, because this, apparently, is the only thing you’re allowed to wear to a music festival:

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If you’re a girl that is. If you’re a guy, it’s something a little more like this:

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Dont say I didn’t warn you.

2. When Nature Calls…

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but unfortunately, unless you a) bring a catheter or b) are a freak of nature with super-human bladder control, you’re gonna find yourself up close and personal with these bad boys.

lolla8That’s right. The dreaded port-a-potty. If you’re a guy, you’ve got it easy. Just plug your nose and try your best to aim in the general direction. If you’re a girl -God help you.

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But never fear! It IS possible crawl through the river of shit and come out (relatively) clean on the other side. Here is how you do it:

  • Front-load your bathroom trips early on in the day (these puppies grow exponentially grosser with each passing hour)
  • Choose a line with mostly guys in it (women move at a glacial pace)
  • Once inside, grip the door handle and hold on for dear life (try not to think millions of germs)
  • Squat
  • Pee
  • Try not to get it on your own shorts  (easier said than done.. this is a serious leg workout, ladies)
  • Finish your business
  • Immediately head to the nearest hand sanitizing station (You should probably cover your entire forearms, just to be safe.)
  • Repress
  • Repeat

3. Hydration, Hydration, Hydration

Pace yourselves, kids, because it’s going to be a long weekend. You don’t want to be the FunDrunkFriend passing out at 4:00pm.. or worse, throwing up in the corner while the evening headliner croons on.

Keep it sensible. Alternate every Bud Light Lime-Rita:

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With a box of water.

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Yes, apparently this is a thing.

Don’t forget to eat.

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Deep dish pizza if you’re in Chicago, obvi.

… and whatever you do, remember that wine in a sports bottle is a sneaky bitch:

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seemed like such a good idea at the time…

4. Personal Space? Who Needs It!

If you dislike crowds, noise, and drunk people all up in your grill, then you miiiight want to hang out near the back and watch the shows projected from the jumbotron.

That being said- to the victor come the good seats. Here’s what you do:

1. Make yourself as big as possible. I’m talking starfish, people.

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Clearing space for Kendrick Lamar.. it’s a jungle out there folks.

2. Try your best to ignore the verbal abuse being hurled at you from concertgoers in every direction.

3. Find your happy place

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(this may or may not involve a sports bottle filled with wine).

Enjoy!

5. Don’t Hate, Appreciate 

I get it. Its hot. Its crowded. You kinda want to kill that dude with the 100 foot pole coming out of his backpack. But remember, you’re the one who paid $300 for these tickets. You bought all those t-shirts at the merch stand. So let’s try to be cool, ok?

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One way to prevent yourself from getting too burned out is to spend some time away from the festival grounds. Because I am a (relatively) old lady, I chose to be selective with my concert schedule and spend the first half of each day exploring the beautiful city of Chicago.

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I even managed to get in a bit of instagramming  exercise.

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… And if all else fails, you can always take the edge off with a friendly push-up competition

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Yes, these are my grown-up friends.

………And don’t forget to pose for copious amounts of photos and convince your friends at home what a great time you’re having!! 389

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Remember kids- if you didn’t Instagram it, it didn’t happen!

Question of the Day: Have you ever been to a music festival? Any interest?

My Life Through Instagram

I haven’t been very inspired to write lately. Perhaps it’s because of my disillusionment/exhaustion/overwhelming desire to kill myself  general sense of malaise from trying to write a novel in 30 days.

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Or maybe it’s the fact that I was sick with the plague a dreadful cold/flu last week (yeah, in JUNE. THANKS GLOBAL WARMING).

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It actually got so bad that I called in sick to work for the first time in three years. I spent a solid 8 hours watching daytime TV, periodically spraying my throat with Chloraseptic in an effort to stave off the black lung (don’t question my methods) and drifting in and out of consciousness.

………….Lemme tell ya, Anderson Cooper fever dreams are one helluva drug.  

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Oh, and I also just joined a Bachelorette pool at work, so now I have to spend approximately 90% of my time trash-talking all of my colleagues. Drew for the win!

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Anyway, since I am still pretty low on f*cks to give, rather than write a real blog post, I thought I’d try a neat little idea I saw on another blog the other day –  a summary of my life  over the past few weeks through Instagram: 

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1. A sick manicure I got a few weeks ago. It took a ridiculously long time, but those damn little chevrons made me so happy every time I looked at them that it was worth it.

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2. A few weeks back, I received free tickets to the Canadian Opera Company’s performance of Salome at the Four Seasons Center. I was really excited because I had never been to the Opera before, and the whole thing just felt so civilized.

I stole this pic from my friend Lia who was with me and is a great grammer herself

I stole this pic from my friend Lia who is also a great grammer

The performance was in German, and I will admit that for the first 30 minutes, I had no effing clue what was going on. (Even though there were subtitles. I’m just that smart.) Seriously guys, I was beginning to think I was being punked. But then someone on stage got beheaded, and after that I was totally into it

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Afterwards we were given a backstage tour and got to look at all the props (not the decapitated head though. I asked) and see how they do all the high-tech stuff. It was bomb, and if I can ever afford to buy my own tickets, I will totally go back again. So probably never.

3. Starbucks Fail. I feel like I should have been more offended by this.

4. A replica of Peggy’s Cove erected in Toronto’s financial district a couple of weeks ago. I actually thought I was seeing a mirage on my way to work in the morning, but then was lured into the display by a charming Tourism Nova Scotia employee with a familiar accent (damn those hard “A”‘s. They get me every time). I was so entranced by the man in a kilt onstage teaching the awestruck crowd how to properly cook a lobster that I ended up being 20 minutes late for work. #WorthIt

5.  I’m usually not one of those people who instagrams their food (OK, I totally am) but my lunch yesterday from IQ Food Co. was just way too good not to capture. I mean…Sh*t is like a healthy food rainbow.

6. This past Saturday I attended the Field Trip Music Festival in Toronto. The festival  celebrated the 10 year anniversary of Canadian record label Arts & Crafts, and featured a ton of amazing Canadian (and international) artists like Broken Social Scene, Feist, Stars, Bloc Party,  Ra Ra Riot, etc. It was an amazing day filled with friends, music and laughter.

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……Except for a brief period where they ran out of beer. BLAME CANADA.

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7. My new favourite show, Family Tree on HBO. It’s written and directed by Christopher Guest (Best In Show,  This is Spinal Tap) and stars mah boo Chris O’Dowd (the hot cop from Bridesmaids). It’s dry, brilliantly written and hilarious and is cheering me up from my disappointment over the new season of Arrested Development. (I’m only on episode 5- does it get better??)

8. Yogurt is good for you, right? (Side note: Nanaimo bars as a topping?? OMG)

9. I went to check out the flowers at Alan Gardens (It’s my “Serenity Now” place) last weekend and stumbled across this Cactus convention, which apparently, is a thing. Guys, there were so many weird cacti!!

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I spent a good hour checking them all out, and talking to the cactus growers who themselves are just as interesting (speaking of Christopher Guest…). Moral of the story: when life hands you a Cactus, make friends with its grower? #BadParable.

Question of the Day: Do You Instagram?

If so, what’s your handle?For more of this groundbreaking photojournalism, follow me @breezyk1

10 Lessons From TV Moms

A wise woman once said, “It takes a village to raise a child”.

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That, and “You can never have enough pantsuits”

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…but we won’t hold that against her. 

In honor of this maxim (the village, not the pantsuits), this Mother’s Day, I’ll be celebrating not only to my own mom, but also all of the amazing TV moms who helped raise me. Claire Huxtable, Elyse Keaton, Vivian Banks, Kitty Foreman-  where would I be without all of their sage advice, no-non sense attitudes and witty one-liners? (Well, maybe a little more well- read. But that’s beside the point.)

Here, with the help of a few GIFS, are 10 lessons I learned from TV moms: 

1.    Stand Up For Yourself

…. you show those b*tches who’s boss 

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2. You only have one family, so you might as well make the most of it.

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3. Not everything that’s good for you is fun

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4. Don’t worry so much about your appearance

………..You can have a harelip, crunchy bangs, or look like Mama June and someone will still love you.

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5. It’s Important To Always  Be a Lady

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6. Every once in a while, you need to eat a piece of humble pie

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……………….Unless of course you’re Tina Fey

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7. Choose your friends wisely

…….because apparently, everyone is an asshole

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8. Don’t ever forget where you came from

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9. And When it comes to boys….

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But if you really can’t help yourself…

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And when you find that special someone… 

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10. Don’t be afraid to let loose every once in a while:

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… and when all else fails,

Sometimes, you need something a little stronger

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Happy Mother’s Day!!

Question of the Day: Who Is Your Favourite TV Mom?

Dreams Really Do Come True

So remember that time I saw Jason Priestley at a play and vowed to make him mine?

Well kids, I’m here to tell you that if you stalk work hard enough, dreams really do come true!

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That’s right ladies- read ‘em and weep: Brandon Walsh and I are officially an item.  (Just kidding. I don’t think his wife would like that very much. But our heads are touching in this pic, which basically means we’re besties now.)

The pic above was taken at the wrap party for the play Race by David Mamet, in which Jason starred as a morally conflicted criminal lawyer.

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My friend Jane and I went to see it a couple of weeks ago, and afterwards received an e-mail inviting us to schmooze with Jason and the cast at the wrap party. Obviously we couldn’t let the opportunity to hang with 90210′s resident moral compass pass us by,

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so we got dolled up and went.

There were only about 75 people in attendance, so stalking opportunity = prime.  Jason was hanging with the DJ and taking some photos with fans, so we made our way up to talk to him.

I will admit, I had a total fangirl moment was unable to form words for the first few seconds,

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But eventually I pulled it together and eeked out “I loved your play!” (lie, it was terrible) “you made a very convincing lawyer!” (another lie, he didn’t), and then we chatted for a few minutes – mostly about Nova Scotia, where I’m from, and he films his TV show Call me Fitz. He said he loves it and has been thinking of buying a home there (!!!!).  Note to self: move back to Nova Scotia.

Things were just getting good when his handler came over and asked “if I could I please hurry it up because they needed to move along.”

Ummm.. RUDE. Could she not see we clearly had a connection?

Anyway, we shared a wistful embrace (if you’re wondering, he smelled like expensive cologne and nostalgia) and then Jane and I left and headed to another bar. We were debriefing about our brush with celebrity when lo and behold, Jason and his assistant walk into the VERY SAME BAR!

On the inside I was like:

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But on the outside, I’m just like:

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We asked them if they were stalking us (because, you know, we touched heads, so we can joke like that now) and they laughed, and then drank with us for the rest of the night. (And by “with us” I mean at the table next to us, and we didn’t speak another word- but close enough for me!)

Anyway, I see this all as a very positive development in our relationship. Am I disappointed things didn’t progress more? Sure. But it’s Brandon Walsh, I’ve learned he likes to take things slow.

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Don’t worry Brandon Jason- I’ve got time.

Question of the Day: Were you a 90210 fan? What celeb from your youth would you want to meet?

Throwback Thursday: Who Wants To Know?

Well, it’s Thursday- and you know what that means: time to check in on some of our favourite has-beens celebrities from days gone by!

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In my last edition of Throwback Thursday, I solicited recommendations for more celebrities to exploit follow up on, and man, you guys did NOT disappoint. You came up with some real, certified, D-List gems- and that’s saying something, considering I thought most of them were on Celebrity Rehab or Couples Therapy already.

throwback14  Anyway, your wish is my command Google search! For each of these artists I’ve answered the age-old question “Where are they now?” - so grab some popcorn and watch as the train wrecks unfold!

Jimmy Ray

If you were alive in 1997 and still had functioning ear drums after being subjected to “My Heart Will Go On” eleventy billion times, then you are undoubtedly familiar with this song:

With these amazing lyrics, cheekbones for days, and hair that defied all natural laws of gravity, it seemed  Jimmy Ray was destined for superstardom.

throwback4  Alas- it was not meant to be. Apparently Jimmy suffered some “creative differences” with his label, and after producing a few more ill-fated singles, they dropped his ass. The English rockabilly crooner was left  to join the ranks of such other one-hit wonders as Chumbawamba and Lou Bega (Mambo No. 5 anyone?).

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So what’s a boy with nothing but a dream, some perfectly cuffed jeans and a glamorous novelty belt buckle to do? 

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Well I’ll tell you what he’s NOT doing: sitting at home, clutching his solid gold single and crying into his brylcreem. 

(Well, maybe a little)

(Well, maybe a little)

Instead, Jimmy marched his signature pout and devil-may-care attitude down the street to someone who actually gave a damn. Now he’s a member of the Airplayers, a song production team producing pop acts mainly in the UK and Europe. (He also has a LinkedIn profile, so you know he’s serious.)

I can’t find a recent pic, but for the love of God, I hope he hasn’t lost all his hair. 

Color Me Badd

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 … I mean, they really need no introduction. The early 90′s R&B group from Oklahoma sold over 12 million albums in the U.S. with such hits as “I Wanna Sex You Up” and “All 4 love” – all while rocking  jewel-toned pantsuits.  

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A moment of silence for that trend, please.

Anyway, after schooling us all in the arts of synchronized dance routines and color blocking:

Color Me Badd broke up in 2000, and the four members went their separate ways.

  • Sam Watters became a record producer and married American Idol alum Tamyra Grey

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  • Mark Calderon became a Christian recording artist
  • Kevin Thorton was ordained as a Minister,  and
  • Bryan Abrams was up on domestic violence charges.
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Really living up to that second “D”, buddy

Although the R&B Angels sing no more, their legacy still lives on by inspiring such parody videos as Lonely Island’s “D*ck In A Box”.

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… and at the end of the day, that’s what every band wants, isn’t it?

5ive

If you were a teenage girl in the late 90′s, then don’t even pretend you didn’t lose your sh*t every time “When The Lights Go Out” came on at your high school dance:

You know you rocked your kerchief top and cargo pants on the dance floor so hard at least one of your butterfly clips flew out and wedged itself in some unsuspecting kid’s braces.

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It wasn’t your fault. These dudes were certified lady killers: “Slam Dunk Da Funk”, “Got the Feelin”, “If Ya Gettin Down” – need I go on??

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Sadly, 5ive’s time in the spotlight was short-lived. The Brit boy band, which was created by the same producers as The Spice Girls (and included a member named “Abz Love”), split up in 2001 after- you guessed it- “creative differences”. The boys’ post-breakup history is pretty much par for the course: failed solo careers, stints at music production, domestic abuse allegations, oh- and of course a reality show.

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That’s right. Earlier this year, 5ive teamed up with fellow has-beens 911Atomic KittenB*WitchedHoneyz and Liberty X, for the British documentary series The Big Reunion, which followed the bands as they prepared for a reunion concert.

This is 5ive now. Not bad, amiright??

This is 5ive now. Not bad, amiright??

I have obviously been scouring the internet for footage of this train wreck but haven’t been able to find it. UK readers- help a sista out. Where can I watch this television gold? 

Question of the Day:  What other has-beens have you wondered about? 

Throwback Thursday: 90′s Edition

Fasten your seatbelts, kids- because I’m about to take you on a trip down memory lane the masochistic nostalgia highway with yet another round of have beens, washed ups and never-weres.

Yes, it’s Throwback Thursday again- and this week, we’re kicking it 90′s style.   

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The inspiration for this TBT actually came from an experience I had at a play a couple of weeks ago here in Toronto.

Yes, you read that correctly: BreezyK went to the theaaaataaah! Clearly I’ve been spending way too much time with Intellectual Dachshund.

All the world's a stage and.... hey, where's my scotch?

All the world’s a stage and…. hey, who moved my scotch?

Anyway, I was standing in line at the box office waiting for my homies, when suddenly I spotted a handsome gentleman to my immediate right. I was like

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I turned my head to take a closer look, only to discover that this “cute guy” was actually BRANDON FREAKING WALSH!!!

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 Yes- Jason Priestley was standing directly beside me, breathing the very same air. I wanted to say something snarky like “hey, wanna go to the Peach Pit after this?” or  “how’s Brenda? still reeling from that pregnancy scare?”

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But I refrained, and instead focused on obsessively studying every detail of his face. He was wearing a red K-Way type jacket, and looked a little worse for the wear- sort of like a hot dad post-soccer practice.

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He was also shorter than I expected, but had movie star eyes: the kind that melt your heart and haunt your soul at the same time. We held eye contact for roughly 3 seconds. (I counted.) 

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Obviously I had to Google him afterwards. It’s the responsible thing to do once you start dating someone new. I discovered that after such career highs as Choices of the Heart: The Margaret Sanger Story and People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful 1991, Jason bounced around for a while before landing the role of a morally flexible car salesman on HBO’s Call Me Fitz. 

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The show has received some critical acclaim and firmly re-trenched the Canadian starlet in D-List celebrity territory. Priestley is also starring in David Mamet’s new play “Race”, opening here in Toronto on Sunday. So, if you need me, I’ll be sitting in the front row, wearing my ratty old 90210 shirt and cheering on my man until further notice. Jason, if you’re reading this- let’s try to make it 4 seconds this time.  ;) 

Savage Garden

This TBT is brought to you by the Bellagio hotel lobby, whose unofficial radio policy is: “All Savage Garden, All The Time”.

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I swear I heard their songs more times in the past 4 days than in the past 10 years combined.  (Not that I’m complaining.)

For those of you who didn’t slow dance to “Truly Madly Deeply” with your grade 6 boyfriend like I did, I’ll give a little background: Savage Garden was an Australian pop/rock duo who first hit it big in North America back in 1998. Something about “Chicken Cherry Cola”.

The band consisted of Darren Hayes on vocals and Daniel Jones on instrumentals. After producing a handful of hits in the late 90′s, the pair split up in 2001 so Hayes could pursue his solo endeavours. 

Hayes came out with the song “Insatiable” in 2002 which I never heard but somehow has over 4 million YouTube hits???

I initially credited this to his glorious frosted tips in the video:

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but joke’s on me, because Darren Hayes is actually a legit TBT success story! He has done four solo albums since Savage Garden, all of which have been commercially successful. According to Wikipedia, he also came out as being gay in the early 2000′s and is a huge a Star Wars buff. Who Knew!

Chumbawamba 

Now I know y’all remember pissing the night away to this one:

But what has happened to the Brit band since?

Well, apparently Chumbawamba has been together for almost 30 years (!!) and was originally formed as an anarchist movement.

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After gracing the world with their surreptitiously anti-facist party anthem “TubThumping”, Chumbawamba had a bit of an identity crisis. They signed under multiple different labels, recording songs in basically every genre possible: techno, punk, world, a capella folk. They even released a Japan-only mini album (wtf is that?) consisting entirely of country and western versions of their greatest hits. Oh, and I almost forgot- they also sometimes go by the name “Skin Disease”.

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Apparently they got tired of being the weirdest band on earth, because in 2012, they decided to call it quits.

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So I know I say this about everyone, but this band REALLY needs their own reality show. I would totally watch that noise.

Off to find a way to make that happen!

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Question of the Day: Any 90′s stars you wonder about?

Viva Las Vegas (Giveaway!!)

In true lapsed Catholic fashion, this year I’ve decided to spend Easter weekend in the un-holiest place on earth: Vegas Baby!!

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That’s right folks- by the time you read this, I will be on my way to Sin City with 17 other bad b*tches to celebrate the bachelorette parties of two of our closest friends. Yep- a DOUBLE bachelorette. God help our livers us all.

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I was initially worried that my very devout mother would be horrified at the idea of my spending Good Friday popping bottles with Diddy at Wet Republic,

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But apparently she’s way too busy worrying about Pope Francis to even notice. (“I mean, I know he preaches the simple life and all.. but if he doesn’t start using more security soon he’s not gonna be preaching anything at all” )

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So I think I’m all set! I’ve got my flip flops, sunglasses, magazines, a crap- ton of candy, and this divine piece of literature for the plane:

lucky

The lady at Chapters assured me that it was “amazing” and “a total page turner”, but with lines like “the next time I drive a Ferrari, I’ll be sure to wear a longer skirt” – I have my doubts.

Anyway, I’ve never been to Vegas, but if it’s anything like I’ve seen in the movies, then I expect to do at least one, if not more of the following things while I’m there:

1. Play a specialized role in an organized casino heist with a motley crew of 11 12 13 sidekicks

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2. Lose one of the bachelorettes, kidnap Mike Tyson’s tiger and pull my own tooth out

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3. Develop an elaborate card counting scheme under the direction of my mentor, Nicholas Cage

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4. Marry Ashton Kutcher and split a $3 million jackpot

What Happens in Vegas movie image Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher

5. Launder millions of superdollars in a counterfeit scam involving the Triads

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6. Thwart Project Vulcan after nearly being assisinated by FemmeBots

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7. Form an unlikely relationship with a hardened prostitute and suddenly develop a new lease on life

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8. Lose all of my money gambling and have to share a $1.49 buffet with my cousin Eddie

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9. Enter a beauty pageant in order to save the original Captain Kirk

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10. Get hopped up on acid and drive around in an old Eldorado

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Yes my friends, in Vegas, anything is possible!!

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and that the Easter bunny finds you. (For your sake, I hope it’s not the same one whose lap I sat on in grade 1.)

*Not me

*Not me

And if you want to make your Easter REALLY special, you can enter my Festive East-Vegas Giveaway! Just match each of the Vegas activities listed above with the correct movie below, and you could win a free CAMEL LIFE TSHIRT!!

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Unfortunately, it’s a ladies size small, so if it doesn’t fit then I guess you’ll just have to frame it and hang it on your wall along with the rest of your BreezyK memorabilia. The winner will also receive a personalized Easter card from me and a Las Vegas themed trinket for your garbage home!

If more than one person guesses the order correctly, I will take bribes draw names.

Here is the list of movies to be matched with the correct # above. Good luck!

A. National Lampoon’s Vegas vacation

B. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

C. Rush Hour 2

D. What Happens in Vegas

E. The Hangover

F. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

G. 21

H. Oceans 11/12/13

I. Leaving Las Vegas

J. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Contest closes on Sunday, March 31 at high noon!

Question of the Day: What are your plans for Easter weekend?

You Googled What?? (The Sequel)

Between all the talk about self-doubt, fate and serendipity, plus my novice literary critiques, I feel like things have been getting a little heavy around here lately.

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Intellectual Dachshund says: Who you calling”heavy”? Last time I checked, I’m not the one who hasn’t been to the gym in a week .

Ahem. I said we’ll talk about this later.

Anyway, today, I’m going to lighten the mood a little by resurrecting a feature I like to call: “You Googled What??”-  a collection of the most ridiculous, obscene,and sometimes just plain sad search terms people have used to find my blog.  (If you missed the first installment, you can find it here.)  Below are just a few of my favorites- along with some color commentary.

“epi-pen party”

Um. Is this a thing? Because, like, not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but it sounds kind of dangerous. You should probably have a doctor on hand. And everyone’s up-to-date emergency contact information.

Safety first!

Safety first!

Other than that, have fun you crazy kids!

“Hanging with Mr. Cooper”

Boy, this one brought me back. Who didn’t love this mid-90′s TV gem about a charismatic retired NBA player turned substitute teacher who moves in with his two gorgeous female friends? Think Three’s Company, but with an urban twist.

Mark Curry in Hangin' With Mr. Cooper

Not only was Hangin with Mr. Cooper quality TV programming on its own, it also had the privilege of being included in potentially the best TGIF lineup ever (IMO): featuring Family Matters, Boy Meets World and Step by Step.

There are too many wonderful things in this pic to count.

There are too many wonderful things in this pic to count.

I was curious what ever happened to Mark Curry (aka Mr. Cooper), so I did a little Googling. Apparently, he is now on the Nick-at-Nite family show See Dad Run with Scott Baio (!!) and does stand up comedy on the side. He also got burned pretty badly a few years back after a can of aerosol spray exploded in his house, and he contemplated suicide for a while, until he talked to Sinbad (!!!) and decided that life really was worth living after all.

I honestly can’t even make this sh*t up.

“small town guy just trying to fit in”

Call Me.

Especially if you happen to look like this.

Especially if you look like this.

“home alone bird lady”

Sin, guys. ……………I mean, I know I kind of look like her, but really.

birdlady4

“why would someone steal my hairbrush”

OMG you too??? WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US

“Am I meant to be alone forever?”

While I unfortunately do not have a crystal ball, I can give you this handy little quiz to help you answer that one:

1)     Do you have a cat?

2)     How many?

3)     Is your PVR more than 80% filled with episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and/or Real Housewives?

4)     Do you collect human hair?

5)      Do you refer to the side of the bed you don’t sleep on as “the storage side” ?

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If you answered yes to 87% or more of these questions, then I’m sorry to tell you that yes, you are a card-carrying member of the Forever Single Club. But never fear! In the words of the King Of Pop:

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“best diorama ever”

Finding the “best diorama ever” is an incredibly noble pursuit. That’s why I thought I would help by identifying a few suggestions: diorama8 diorama1

….. also, apparently marshmallow peep dioramas are a thing:

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…. and my ultimate winner:

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“I want to make an artificial jungle to submit in my school for an exhibition”

……you should totally do that. And then send photos. Actually, live footage would be preferable.

“camel on America’s next top model All Stars”

Um. Is this true?? Because that would be AWESOME. I bet that Camel could show those skinny b*tches a thing or two about posing.

My humps.. my lovely lady lumps

My humps.. my lovely lady lumps

“is being a quirky girl a good thing?”

My heart breaks for the poor, insecure girl who searched this. Mostly because it was probably me.

“indie love mixtape”

Yes, please.

closure

“what to do if kids happen to see their Christmas gifts on Christmas eve and ruin the surprise”

…Give up now because you are obviously the worst mother ever and nothing in your kid’s life will ever be the same again. Way to ruin everything, mom.

cryin

“how to identify leftover yarn”

Like, are we talking from a pile of other non-yarn related items? Or from a pile of other pieces of yarn, some of which new, some of which “leftover”? …. Either way… you should probably just ask your mom.

Question of the Day: What is the weirdest Google search term you’ve Had lately?