So, How You Comin’ On That Novel?

You may recall that back at the beginning of May, I announced that I was planning to write a novel in 30 days.

Well, since no one asked it’s the official halfway point, I figured I’d give a little update on how it’s been going.

So far, I’ve written approximately 22,500 words. That’s roughly 45% of the 50,000 word target, or, about 1,500 words per day.

Not bad, right? Except that it’s all total and complete garbage. 

Guys, I’m not kidding. The stench of rotten manuscript wafting from my minimized items right now is almost too much for me to handle. I call it “Eau de Broken Dreams and Misguided Aspirations”

The thing is full of plot holes, it’s totally unbelievable, and I currently have four different characters named Sergei. But that’s OK. The goal of this exercise is simply to get my words on paper- not to fuss with silly things like grammar, sentence structure and plotline.

….Right?

I won’t lie, it’s been pretty painful so far. I kind of want to kill myself/ throw my computer out the window/ eat 10 lbs of chocolate/ run away and never come back. But like a phoenix from the ash, out of my misery rise a few key lessons to be learned from all of this. Like…..  

 Writing Fiction Is Hard

Sometimes, I feel like the entire right side of my brain has been completely inactive for the past 10 years. Sure, I use it occasionally to write blog posts, but for the most part, it just sits there, dormant, letting its domineering evil stepbrothers logic and rational thought do all the work.

Writing a novel feels like grabbing the creative side of my brain with both hands, shaking it violently and waking it the hell up. As expected, for the first few days, ol’ righty remained slow, lethargic and low-functioning – sort of like me before I’ve had my coffee in the morning. 

But eventually it came around. Sort of. I’m still dealing with the giant hurdle of coming up with 50,000 words of original material in a ridiculously short period of time.  

Writing Fiction Is Fun!

(Did I convince you with that exclamation point? No? I didn’t really convince myself, either.)

Once you get past the fact that novel-writing is destroying much of your will to live, there are actually a few good things. Writing can be really fun when you’re not inhibited by pesky little parameters like “truth” and “accuracy”. Plus, it’s sort of cool to live vicariously through your characters. My main character is smart, sassy, and tells people off all the time- something I wish I could do more often.  

Plus, no matter how much it sucked, I still feel like this whenever I get my daily words in:

You’re Going to Run Out Of Ideas.. and That’s Where the Ninjas Come In

No matter how hard I tried, I still found it tough to come up with the recommended 1,667 words a day. I Googled some suggestions, and discovered something called a “Plot Ninja”.

A plot ninja is something you drop into the plot whenever you are at a loss for ideas. Traditionally, this has taken the form of actual ninjas who come crashing into the scene, disrupting things, but it can really be anything you want. My plot Ninja so far has been my main character going for drinks with her best friend. She’s pretty much an alcoholic at this point, but it’s also resulted in a few interesting scenes that never would have ended up in the plot otherwise.

When In Doubt.. Make it up

Another thing I didn’t anticipate was how much research was involved in novelling. Part of my story takes place in Russia, and the first few days, I spent hours Googling everything from typical Russian surnames to what year the Kremlin was built. Eventually, I decided to either leave what I didn’t know blank, or just make something up and go back and fix it later. Currently, the characters in my story consume only caviar, drink an excessive amount of vodka, and wear fur hats everywhere. That’s accurate, right?

Be Prepared To Hate Your Life

Not to be a Deborah K. Downer, but I have to admit that it’s extremely mentally and physically draining to write this much every day while working full-time, trying to do blog posts, keep up with my 52 book challenge and actually maintain a social life.

…………..Yes, I realize I did this all to myself, and yes I would like some cheese with that whine.

Only Dawson understands me

So to recap -  my first 15 days of Novelling: it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I don’t know what comes after that.

Question of the Day: Have you ever written a novel?

…..Any tips to keep me from strangling myself with my computer cord?

P.S.  I nominated myself  was nominated for Funniest Blog in the 2013 Badass Blogging Awards! I would love you long time if you’d please take a second and go vote for me!

http://theindiechicks.com/badass-blog-awards-vote-for-your-favorite-bloggers/

 

Liars, Drinkers And Eternal Optimists: Books I Read In April

Oh, hello.

I didn’t see you come in.

Intellectual Dachshund and I were just about to review some of the books I read in April. Won’t you stay and join us?

You will? Fantastic! Isn’t that right Intellectual Dachshund?

Reading nurtures the soul, and an enlightened friend brings it solace.

Aah my erudite little creature. So pithy! So delightful! Now, let’s get started, shall we?

Everything Is Perfect When You’re A Liar

by Kelly Oxford

Only two years ago, Kelly Oxford was an unknown, Canadian stay-at-home mom with a dream of becoming a writer. Now, she has a best-selling book, a  sold screenplay and a TV pilot. 

How did she do it? She be tweetin’ y’all.

Her hilarious tweets caught the attention of comedians and Hollywood celebs, and soon she amassed over 500,000 followers.  Can you say ca-ching in 140 characters or less?

Everything is Perfect When You’re a Liar  is Oxford’s collection of personal essays that cover everything from her awkward childhood, to her brief teenage modeling career, to being David Copperfield’s private guest in Las Vegas. 

Each story is engaging, well-written and hilarious. You never feel like she’s reaching for her jokes, or trying too hard. It’s almost like the funny just comes out of her naturally, an unintended side effect of her storytelling.

This is exactly the type of book I would like to write someday;  and for that I give it:

4/5 Intellectual Dachshunds

The Rum Diary

by Hunter S. Thompson

The Rum Diary tells the story of Paul Kemp, a 30-year-old journalist who moves to San Juan, Puerto Rico in the late 1950’s to work for an English language newspaper. When Paul is introduced to rest of the newspaper staff – a veritable motley crew of has-beens, misanthropes and never-weres-  he quickly gets swept into a world of hard-drinking, girlfriend-stealing, bar brawling, and of course, the occasional news story.

(You might also be familiar with the 2011 movie based on the book starring Johnny Depp)

If it doesn’t seem like there’s much of a plotline involved here, that’s because there isn’t. It’s really just some drunk-ass dudes wandering around a tropical paradise, eating hamburgers and causing disturbances. It’s awesome.

This book had me hooked from the very beginning. With it’s crisp prose and quoteable one-liners, I had a hard time putting it down. It reminded me of On the Road, but with more paragraphs, and punctuation.

Even though I’m not a wayward journalist with a drinking problem (officially), I found I could really identify with Paul and his feelings of aimlessness in Puerto Rico. I feel like that here in Toronto sometimes. I have no real roots here, no family, and sometimes I feel like I’m just wandering from place to place like some tiny, insignificant tumbleweed.

Anyhoo, since this is a book review and not a junior high journal entry, let’s get to the ratings shall we?

I give it: 4/5 Intellectual Dachshunds 

Favourite Line: “It gave me a strange feeling, and the rest of that night I didn’t say much, but merely sat there and drank, trying to decide if I was getting older and wiser, or just plain old.”

Candide

by Voltaire 

What the whaaaaat? BreezyK reading Voltaire? Don’t worry-  there is a reasonable explanation for all of this. Back in the fall when I took my Humor writing course, the instructor recommended this book as being one of the best humor pieces ever written. I finally got around to reading it a couple of weeks ago, and I’m glad I did.

The book centers around Candide, an enthusiastic young man brought up in the home of a wealthy Baron. Candide was taught by his tutor Pangloss to believe that no matter what happens ‘all is for the best’. Things, however, take a turn for the worse when the Baron throws Candide out after discovering his love for the Baron’s daughter, Cundegonde. Candide then sets out on a series of misadventures all across Europe, Asia and South America, experiencing one unfortunate series of events after another: earthquakes, syphilis, robberies, knaves, you name it – all the while testing Candide’s eternal optimism.

I found this book refreshing and hilarious – it satirizes everything from love, to money, to religion. It’s also a complete seminar in pithiness. Despite the fact that each chapter is about 3 pages long, so much happens in each one of them. This is a great read if you get bored easily and like short books (it’s only about 90 pages, which actually makes it a novella, but who’s counting). Then, when you’re done, you can feel superior to other people by saying you’ve read Voltaire. Win Win!

I give it (you guessed it) 4/5 Intellectual Dachshunds:

 

Question of the Day: What book or movie do you quote constantly?

For me, it’s Zoolander. I’m hoping to change that.

So I’m Writing a Novel.

This month, I’m going to write a novel.

50,000 words. 30 days. Let’s do this.

Why? Because I’m a masochist. A really bored masochist.

Other reasons include:

• I’m perpetually dissatisfied.
• Gretchen Rubin did it in The Happiness Project.
• I have no experience writing fiction whatsoever, and I figure this is a good place to start.
• I like a challenge.
• I get to brag about it and feel superior to other people.
• Because it’s really original and no one has ever done it before.
• Because my goal of reading 52 books in one year doesn’t keep me in my house alone enough already. (I want to make really, extra sure I die alone.)

I recognize that National Novel Writing Month (or “NaNoWriMo” as the cool kids call it) is still 6 months away, but as I always say, rules were made to be broken!

…..Actually, I never say this. I really just want all the spotlight without having to share it with any of you b*tches.

Did I mention I’m also really bored?

I would tell you what my novel is going to be about, but it’s totally progressive and original and I don’t want anyone to steal my idea. Just kidding, I actually have no idea what it’s going to be about, except that it will be loosely based on my own life. And there might be a Russian spy element involved.

Not like this. Well, maybe like this.

At the suggestion of my hetero-life model Gretchen Rubin, I picked up the book “No Plot, No Problem” by Chris Baty: an ultimate “low-stress, high -velocity guide to writing a novel in 30 days”.

The book starts by providing a number of tips and tricks to help you prepare for the launch of your novel; from time-saving techniques, to research and outlines, to how to set up the perfect workspace.

Since I believe goals are best achieved when they involve no structure or planning whatsoever, I chose to do none of these things. Well, except for the part where I’m supposed to tell everyone I’m writing a novel so they will hold me accountable.

Hey everyone! I’m writing a novel! Hold me accountable, k? No, really. I expect all of you to shame me and ask me “how’s that novel coming along ?” on a regular basis.

Kind of like this:

Actually, exactly like that. And then I will rate you on your Stewie impression.

The other piece of advice I took from the book was to develop my Two “Magna Cartas”.

The first Magna Carta is a list of all the things that, to you, make a good novel. This can be anything from overall themes, to character traits, to magical unicorns. The aim of this list is to show what you “know” and appreciate as a reader, and to act as a guide for what to include in your own novel.

Here is the list I came up with:

• Humor
• Romance

I’m a girl, what can I say

• Serendipitous encounters
• Short, digestible chapters
• Quote-worthy prose
• Plot twists (doesn’t need to be M. Night Shyamalan or anything, but I like being surprised)
• Vulnerable characters
• Urban settings
• Music and/or other pop culture references
• Animals (I’ve never read a book about pandas, but I think that might be pretty cool)

Magna Carta II is just the opposite- a list of things that bore or depress you in a novel. These should be avoided in your story at all costs.

My list:

• Death
• Vampires/Unicorns/other forms of magical creatures

I blame this

• Stream of consciousness writing
• Misanthropic characters
• Overuse of a thesaurus
• Unhappy endings
• Long chapters

So basically, I should write an uplifting romantic comedy about pandas with multiple plot twists, easy words and short chapters.

Sounds like a bestseller to me!

Wish me luck!

Question of the Day: What, to you, makes a good novel?

Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking

Do you often let calls go through to voicemail? Enjoy one-on-one conversations as opposed to group activities? Dislike conflict? Prefer working alone rather than in a team? 

If you answered yes to the majority of these questions, then you my friend, are probably an introvert.

The good news is, you’re not alone. According to Susan Cain, author of the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking, at least 1/3 of the people we know are introverts.

Including me.

Yes- I know it  may come as a surprise, given how hilarious, effervescent and engaging  I am on my blog- but don’t let that purple wig fool you. On the inside, I’m just a scared little panda. 

I prefer listening to talking, find it easier to express myself in writing, and to the disappointment of my throngs of friends and admirers, often prefer to stay home, read a book and be by myself on a Saturday night.

Cain’s book explores the idea that in today’s society, introverts are chronically undervalued. By praising extroversion above almost all else, we fail to capitalize on the special and unique skills introverts possess, like focus, innovation, creativity, work ethic, thoughtfulness, and observation. 

Cain explains how over the past 100 years, Western culture has become obsessed with the idea of personality. “The Extrovert Ideal” now permeates almost everything we do: from offices designed in open concepts to inspire “Groupthink” and “brainstorming sessions”, to classrooms arranged in “pods”,  to the success of such books as “How to Win Friends and Influence People” .

If only all open concept offices had Don Draper in them.

Introversion has become a form of pathology – a personality trait that needs to be “fixed”. We encourage children who are introverted to “come out of their shells”, rather than focusing on what they can bring to the table. Cain points to evidence that our “extrovert ideal” can actually be harmful in business, and lobbies for change.

I decided to read this book after a friend showed me Cain’s 2012 TED Talk on the same subject. It received over 4 million YouTube hits and helped start what is now known as “The Quiet Revolution”.

The book is exhaustively researched: Cain spent almost 7 years wading through literature and scientific studies, as well as conducting her own “field research”. She went to a Tony Robbins leadership conference, spent a week at Harvard Business School, shadowed Asian American high school students, interviewed psychologists and prominent business people, attended a retreat for the highly sensitive and observed an Evangelical Christian leadership conference. 

I found this book fascinating, and it really resonated with me on a lot of levels. Before becoming a writer, Cain was a corporate lawyer on Wall Street, and discusses the difficulty of being an introvert in a profession dominated by big personalities. As a young lawyer, I can relate. I am constantly attending business development and networking seminars where we are encouraged to hand out business cards like Halloween candy.

“Follow up with everyone you meet!” they say. “Introduce yourself to the Managing partner in the elevator!”. As an introvert, this can feel overwhelming. You worry you will be left behind by all of your gregarious, outgoing contemporaries who fluently speak the language of schmooze.

Cain, however, explains how she put her skills as an introvert to work for her. By being the most prepared person in the room and using her skills of listening and observation, she became a highly successful negotiator, eventually founding her own consulting business. 

Another point Cain explored that I found interesting was the “internet paradox”: introverts are much more likely to express intimate details about themselves on the internet, to total strangers- often things their friends or family would be surprised to learn about them. 

This definitely rings true with me. As cheesy as it is to say, I feel like when I started blogging, I found my voice. It was like suddenly, my personality was more tangible to those around me. I felt understood. 

This is overly dramatic but you catch my drift.

You should definitely read this book if you are an introvert, or have introverts in your life. (if you’re curious whether you are an introvert, you can take Cain’s quiz here) .I will say, the book can be a little heavy on the scientific mumbo jumbo- so if you don’t want to deal with all that independent/dependent variable noise, then you can always just watch the TED Talk instead.

I give it: 4.2/5 Intellectual Dachshunds 

“I have never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.”

Question of the Day: Are You An Introvert, or an Extrovert?

March Reading Recap: In Like A Lion, Out Like A Hedgehog

They say March comes in like a lion, out like a lamb, and I guess that was sort of true when it came to my literary pursuits. Things started out strong with The Last Girlfriend on Earth and The Happiness Project (reviews here and here), petered off with a couple of duds in the middle, and then ended with a hedgehog.

Have no idea what the hell I am talking about? Read on to find out!

“The Love Song of Johnny Valentine” by Teddy Wayne

11-year-old pop star Johnny Valentine seems to have it all: a successful music career, the admiration of tweens worldwide, a killer hairdo. But is fame really all it’s cracked up to be?

The Love Song of Johnny Valentine attempts to answer this very question by following Johnny and his motley entourage on tour across America, tackling such hard-hitting issues as broken homes, body image and child exploitation along the way.

Think Never Say Never, but with more words.

While The Love Song makes some good arguments about our celebrity obsessed culture and paints an excellent picture of a complicated mother/child relationship, I had a really hard time believing Johnny as narrator. I mean, I get that he was precocious and mature for his age or whatever, but I still don’t know many 11 year olds who contemplate “the meaning of it all” the way he did.

I also wish there had been more of a storyline, rather than just a running narrative of Johnny’s tour. There was a bit thrown in there about his attempts to find his deadbeat dad, but it sort of seemed like an afterthought to give the book some semblance of a plot.

This book received a lot of great reviews (including in The New York Times) so maybe I’m missing something- but it definitely was not my favourite. I felt like it was trying too hard to be meaningful and profound, but the execution just fell short.

I give it: 2/5 Intellectual Dachshunds

So Damn Lucky by Deborah Coonts

Lucky O’Toole has a lot on her plate: not only is she the head of customer relations at a Las Vegas hotel, she’s also trying to save a failing relationship with a rock star while at the same time fielding romantic pursuits from a sexy fraud investigator and a 5-star French Chef. The last thing she needs is to be pulled into a murder investigation. But that’s exactly what happens after a hotel magician disappears right under her nose! So Damn Lucky follows Lucky and her improbable cast of sidekicks as they chase leads all over Las Vegas- all the while being pulled deeper into the world of magic, secret societies, and of course- romance.

Let me start by saying, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I bought this book. I wandered into Chapters looking for something to read on the plane to Las Vegas, and the lonely looking middle-aged sales lady recommended this book. I guess that should have been my first clue. Or, you know, the fact that the main character’s name was LUCKY FREAKING O’TOOLE.

Anyway, this book was complete garbage. I had to bribe myself with snacks just to get through the final chapters. Too many characters, flawed plotlines, unrealistic dialogue, I could go on, but I won’t torture you with more.

I give it: 1/5 Intellectual Dachshunds:

The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery

Renée Michel seems, by all accounts, your ordinary concierge. Fat, cranky and ostensibly ordinary, the residents of her bougie Paris apartment building have no idea she harbours a secret passion for literature, classical music and Japanese culture.

And then there’s Paloma, the 12-year-old child genius who lives upstairs from Renee. Paloma is convinced that life isn’t worth living and has decided to commit suicide and set her family’s apartment on fire on her 13th birthday. Until then she will keep a journal of “profound thoughts” documenting the last days of her life.

Thrown into the mix is a wealthy, cultured Japanese man who has recently moved into the building and takes a special interest in our unassuming concierge. The Elegance of the Hedgehog tells the story of each of these characters, and what happens when their worlds collide.

I had heard some polarizing accounts of this book from my friends; some loved it, others felt it was too pretentious and philosophical. I fell somewhere in the middle. I enjoyed reading it (so much that I read the entire thing in one sitting) and it made me reflect on a lot of issues- class, culture, hypocrisy, etc. Plus, call me a sucker, but I also found it pretty romantic.

At the same time, sometimes the philosophical/existential prose was a bit much for me. I mean, an entire chapter devoted to rain? Phenomenology?

To borrow a line from another review I read: “if this novel were a piece of furniture, it would be an ikea bestseller: popular, but not likely to be passed down the generations”. And that’s why I give it:

3/5 Intellectual Daschunds

Question of the Day: Have you read any of these books? What have you read lately?

The Happiness Project: What Worked For Me

So now that I’ve successfully lowered the bar by telling you all about my failed Happiness Project experiments, I figured I’d let you in on some of the ones I didn’t bomb quite so hard on.

So let’s get to it:,

Breezyk’s Happiness Project [Relative] Success Stories

1. Keep A One-Line Happiness Journal 

 ”The Days Are Long, but the Years Are Short” is just one of the many “universal truths” Rubin espouses in her book- the idea being that if we’re not careful, life could simply pass us by. In order to hang onto our happy memories, Rubin recommends writing them down. This could take the form of a full-fledged gratitude journal, or even a one-sentence notebook.  

Since the idea of a “gratitude journal” seemed a little too Oprah’s Angel Network-y for me, I chose the latter. 

For two weeks, I wrote down the happiest moment of each day. And because I have no shame left at all (at least according to my mother), I will share some of them with you:  

• Sunday: Watching Real Housewives of Vancouver with my friend Maggie
• Tuesday: Discovering Marshmallow Peep Dioramas are a real thing

• Wednesday: Making a really great joke about Princess Leia
• Thursday: Talking to my sister on the phone about Big Brother Canada (Go Jillian!!)
• Saturday: Spending the morning in bed reading and listening to music 

At first glance, this list might seem to suggest that I am an incredibly shallow and immature individual. And that’s not totally wrong. But if you read between the lines, you start to get a sense of the things that are really important to me: friends, family, blogging, music, humor, etc.  

I think the one-line happiness journal is a worthwhile exercise not only because it helps you to reflect on the day and feel grateful for the moments you experienced, but because identifying the things that bring you happiness is the first step towards achieving it.  Plus, now I can totally use this to justify watching more reality TV. Everybody wins!!!!! 

2.    Tackle a Nagging Task

According to Rubin, “nagging tasks” (i.e. items on your to-do list you never seem to get around to) can be a huge source of stress and a drain on your mental energy. Tackling these tasks can provide an immediate energy boost and help to lighten your overall mood.

Given that I’m pretty lazy busy, I seem to have a lot of “nagging tasks” at any given time – filing documents, picking up dry-cleaning, answering my fan mail, you name it. I decided to tackle one “nagging task” per day- no excuses. It was definitely not easy. I once spent the entire day working up the nerve to make a dentist’s appointment. That said, these tasks usually took less time than I anticipated, and once completed, left me feeling relieved and happier. 

Like this jazzy lion, I was high on life

3.    Cut People Some Slack

If I’m being totally honest, then I have to admit that I am a very critical, often judgmental person.

 I’m also a total smart-a$$ and poke fun at people and make sarcastic comments far too often.  

Rubin argues that while it is enticing to behave this way (particularly because we, as a society, perceive those who are critical as “smarter” and more attractive) it is not healthy or constructive, and it erodes our happiness.

Reading this made me more aware of the negative things that come out of my mouth on a daily basis. For example, a friend recently told me about a concert she wanted to see, and without thinking, I responded “Ugh, I hate that band”.  Why did I feel the need to cut her down and ruin her excitement? It definitely didn’t make me any happier.

I started a mental tally of all the cutting and/or sarcastic remarks I made, and the number was, frankly, terrifying.

So I’ve started making a conscious effort not to be so hard on people. Man, it’s tough though.  The lure of the perfect sarcastic remark is often way too hard for me to resist, and I end up being back at square one. But at least I’m conscious of it now. Plus, I see this as more of a long-term project anyway. Like my quest to transition this blog into my own reality show. Check back in 2017.

The Simple Life BreezyK Edition? I’m just brainstorming here..

The resolutions I test-drove over the past few weeks are just a small sampling of Rubin’s entire Happiness Project. She makes dozens of resolutions: some of which I still want to try (i.e. clearing out closets, writing a novel in 30 days), others I will probably never do (hypnosis, meditating on koans).

While I have the utmost respect for Rubin’s mission, I’m not sure that creating a full-fledged “resolutions chart” complete with gold stars, unicorns and positive affirmations is my ultimate path to nirvana.

To paraphrase a very wise man:  Maybe happiness doesn’t come from a book. Maybe happiness doesn’t come from a store. Maybe happiness means just a little bit more.  

Or, maybe the answer to life, the universe, everything really is just “42″ after all.

So, even though Intellectual Dachshund found this whole thing a little low-brow and beneath him, he still gives The Happiness Project a 3.8 out of a potential 5… himselfs.

Intellectual Dachshund Says: Happiness depends upon ourselves.

Easy Aristotle-  it’s a paperback, not ancient Greek philosophy.

Question of the Day: Do you have any tips to stay happy?

The 10 Minute Tidy and Other Happiness Project Fails

One of the books I read this month was The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.

The international bestseller focuses on Rubin’s year-long quest to find happiness by conducting exhaustive research and trying out various happiness-related techniques. 

I will admit, the whole thing sounded a little warm-fuzzy-eat/pray/love-y to me at first,

but I decided to give it a shot anyway. Some of my friends had given it good reviews; plus, I couldn’t deny that I too could stand to be a bit happier. 

In the book, Rubin devotes each month to a separate set of happiness “resolutions”: January, was all about “Boosting Energy”, while June focused on friendship. October was about mindfulness and paying attention.

Inspired by what I was reading, I decided to try out a few of Rubin’s happiness resolutions myself.

Well, let’s just say they met with varying levels of success: Some left me feeling happier- others? Naaat so much. I figured I’d start by telling you about the ones that didn’t go so well, because that way it builds more suspense. Plus, it’s just way more fun to read about people failing.

So without further adieu, I present to you:

BreezyK’s Failed Happiness Project Experiments.

1. The 10 Minute Tidy

Rubin notes that household clutter can be a huge drain on one’s energy- and in turn, happiness. In order to eliminate this source of stress, she advocates the “10 Minute Tidy”: Spend 10 minutes each night cleaning up your house or apartment.  

Well, as you all know, tidiness is by no means my strong suit. I recognize this, and have gone about fixing it the best way I know how: by throwing money at the problem. I invested in a cleaning lady about 6 months ago, and it has been the best decision of my adult life to date.

But after reading about Rubin’s success, I thought maybe, just maybe, if I cleaned for 10 minutes a day, I wouldn’t NEED to pay someone else to do it. Novel!!!

After day one, I was already cutting deals with myself: “If you just do 5 minutes tonight, then you can do the other  5 in the morning!” I found myself staring at piles of dishes in the sink, willing myself to feel SOMETHING. Some desire to clean them. But all I felt was a strong desire to eat a bowl of cereal and watch Fashion Star. So that’s what I did. 

Needless to say, the 10-minute-tidy lasted about as long as my willpower at a desert table. But on the bright side, at least my cleaning lady is still gainfully employed??

Oh God I’m so bougie……  

2. Get More Sleep

Rubin is a big proponent of sleep: when you’re not tired, she argues, it’s easier to tackle the day, and to be happier while doing so. 

I know she’s right- I regularly suffer from dragging-a$$ syndrome at work, and can tell you it does NOT make me happy.

So I tried taking her advice and going to sleep earlier.

You’d think it would be easy, right? WRONG. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to do it. By the time I finished work, went to the gym, made dinner, worked on my blog and did my daily PVR maintenance, it was almost always 11:00pm. Then it was another hour before I actually fell asleep.  I tried shutting out all the light in my bedroom and removing electronic devices like Rubin suggested (Ok, I’m lying. I slept with my iPhone), but even that didn’t help. 

If anything, actively trying to get more sleep actually made me get less sleep, because I became so obsessed with it. I’d be laying there, all, “how many hours until I have to get up now?”

I recognize that this lack of sleep is probably going to take 10 years off my life… but hey, that’s what Starbucks and ErasePaste are for.

Plus, bags are the new black, right?

3. Buy Needful Items 

According to Rubin, when it comes to money, there are two different types of people: Overbuyers and Underbuyers. Overbuyers buy items in bulk; thinking they might be useful someday, whereas underbuyers delay making purchases or buy as little as possible.

Underbuyers tend to experience stress because they are always in need of something and are scrambling to buy it.

I would definitely consider myself an underbuyer- I’m always running out of stuff and feeling stressed. So I decided to do as Rubin suggested, and switch to more of an “overbuying approach” – the next time I went to the grocery store, I bought the 24 roll pack of toilet paper instead of my standard four. I also got a little crazy and sprung for the big packages of paper towel and laundry detergent.   

Not me. I would never wear this skirt.

I was feeling excited about my new purchases, until I encountered two immediate problems: 

• How am I supposed to carry this sh*t? – and
• Oh yeah, I live in a 500 sq. foot condo. Where the hell am I going to put it all?

After a rather awkward walk home, I ended up stuffing the paper towel and detergent in the back of my coat closet. As for the TP, I broke it down and shoved one or two rolls in various locations around my apartment: under the couch, in kitchen cupboards, you name it. For days, every time I did anything I was finding a roll of toilet paper. It was like the worst Easter egg hunt ever.

Actually maybe this was.

So to recap: so far in my Happiness Project, I have perpetuated my slobiness, become an insomniac, and turned my apartment into a replica of Mama June’s coupon closet. 

Things are looking promising!! Stay tuned for round 2!!

Question of the Day: Are you an underbuyer, or an overbuyer?

Review: The Last Girlfriend on Earth by Simon Rich

Simon Rich is a pretty impressive dude. At 28, he’s already held the position of editor-in-chief of the Harvard Lampoon, been the second youngest writer ever hired on Saturday Night Live, had countless short stories published in The New Yorker, and penned five books.

Yeah. You’re not alone if you’re feeling REALLY inadequate right now.

The Last Girlfriend on Earth is Rich’s latest collection of short stories. Each one is about love and relationships- but with a twist:

From  a story written from the perspective of a condom in a young boy’s wallet, to Dog Missed Connections, to a little girl’s imaginary goat who wants to become “more than just friends”, each story is delightfully charming, quirky, and undeniably hilarious.

I first discovered Simon Rich, and this book through an interview he did on The New Yorker Out Loud podcast. He read an excerpt from one of his short stories, and talked a lot about writing- particularly his time at SNL I thought he sounded funny, and since I’m a die-hard SNL fan (how awesome was JT this past weekend by the way?)

I obviously had to go out and buy this book… and I’m really glad I did.

It was the very definition of short (took me 2-3 hours to read total) and sweet. Besides just making me LOL, the best part for me was that each story read like an SNL skit. I found myself picturing how each one would be played out on-screen, and which SNL cast members would portray each character. I’d love to see the story about a blind date with an actual troll turned into a Lonely Island digital short, for example:

And I’ll never go back…  to my not having sex ways of the past

Given what he has done so far, I don’t think it will be long until Simon Rich is a household name. I can see him having his own TV show- sort of like the Mindy Project, but about Jewish New Yorkers and relationships. (Ok so that’s basically Seinfeld. Or Friends. But you catch my drift) 

I thought this book was fantastic, and you should definitely buy it if you enjoy Saturday Night Live, Woody Allen, The New Yorker, The Simpsons, Futurama, Dude Where’s My Car (for the sex aliens) or if you just straight up love to laugh.

I give it: 4.5 Intellectual Dachshunds

Question of the Day: Do you like short story collections or novels better?

From Wily Old Geezers To Middle Class Malaise: Other Books I Read In February

So I’d just like to start by saying THANK YOU for all of your lovely comments on my last post. I swear I wasn’t fishing for compliments (yes I was), but it’s still lovely to hear so many kind words of encouragement and to know so many of you can relate.

Now, onto business. In keeping with my goal of reading 52 books in 2013, I read four books in February. A slight decrease from the 5 I read in January, but in my defense, it was a short month, and two of them were over 500 pages (I know. That SHOULD be illegal). I already reviewed Ham on Rye here, but below are my thoughts on the remaining three.

1. The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window And Disappeared

No, this is not what happened following Clint Eastwood’s latest speaking engagement… but good guess. It’s actually the title of this lovely little book by Jonas Jonasson:

The 100-Year-Old-Man tells the story of Allan Karlsson, a Swedish octogenarian who, on his 100th birthday, climbs out the window of his nursing home with nothing but a pair of flimsy old slippers and a strong hankering for Vodka, and decides to start over.

You had me at “vodka”.

A series of hilarious and entirely unpredictable adventures ensue involving a stolen suitcase full of cash, an organized crime ring, unlikely friendships, and (what else) an elephant. What makes the plot even more interesting is that throughout the book, we learn that Allan is not your average centenarian. A munitions expert by trade, Alan somehow had a hand in everything from inventing the atomic bomb to saving General Franco’s life. He’s basically like the really old, Swedish Forrest Gump.

Except way, way older

This book was silly, ridiculous, and I kind of loved it. I’m not going to say it was perfect- parts of the plot were downright unbelievable, and most of the characters were incredibly unrealistic, but I tried to tell myself this was all just part of its charm.

I think it would make a good Hollywood screwball comedy film, like a Hangover or Bounty Hunter type situation. Preferably one that would involve Gerard Butler wearing no shirt and massacring a Swedish accent.

Plus, it’s nice to see a lighter side to the Swedes after all that Girl With the Dragon Tattoo business.

For that, I give it 3.9 intellectual Dachshunds.

Too lazy to make this entirely accurate.

2. I Found This Funny by Judd Apatow

From famed Hollywood writer, producer and director Judd Apatow (Pineapple Express, Girls, The 40-Year-Old- Virgin) comes this collection of his favorite humor pieces: from short stories, to poems, to illustrations; even a failed TV pilot written by Conan O’Brien.

Apatow explains in the prologue that after the commercial flops of his first two TV shows Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared, he decided to take a year off from writing and just focus on reading.

He started with short stories, because that’s all he had the attention span for, and grew from there.

His career took off exponentially after that, and he attributes a lot of his success in his writing to that year he spent reading. I found that really cool, and something I could sort of relate to given this whole 52 book thing I’m doing.

I should warn you, though, that a fair number of these pieces are not funny at all. He admits this right at the outset – some are sad, poignant, or just plain confusing.. but if you’re open to it, these ones are cool too. The collection includes pieces by such famous writers as David Sedaris, Jonathan Franzen and Dave Eggers, but I think one of my favourites was a story by Paul Feig (co-creator of Freaks and Geeks) about his attempts at announcing his high school football games, despite knowing nothing at all about football.

This is a great coffee table (or, lets be honest, bathroom) book: one that you can pick up every now and again and read a piece from.

I give it: 3.7 intellectual daschunds.

3. The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen

I’m making a sad face because this is an inherently sad book. Also, I got new glasses.

I was inspired to read this book based on a short story by Franzen in I Found This Funny. More than anything, I was struck by his vocabulary. I had to look up like 8 words in a 12 page story. It was kind of annoying, but I also like a challenge.

The Corrections centers around aging Midwestern couple Edith & Alfred, and their desire to have their three grown children, Gary, Denise & Chip, all home for one last Christmas. Enid is miserable, Alfred’s got Parkinson’s with a side of dementia, and the kids have got a whole host of issues I can’t even begin to describe here. Basically, Gary is a depressed alcoholic, Denise is a Grade A Homewrecker, and Chip is a broke screenwriter who was fired from his teaching job for “sexual harassment”.

Yeah, it’s all VERY uplifting. Did i mention it’s also like, 600 pages?

I really wanted to love this book. It received tons of critical acclaim (you might remember it from the infamous Oprah’s book club fiasco a few years back whereby Franzen basically told Oprah to go eff herself.)

They made up later. No one stays mad at Oprah.

And I did like parts of it. Franzen did a great job of capturing the nuances of family life and sibling relationships. However, it was also very long, slow-paced and emotionally draining.

If you’re into tangible malaise and a bunch of white people talking about their first world problems, then this book might be for you. Otherwise, stick to I Found This Funny.

I give it: 3 Intellectual Dashchunds.

Question of the Day: What Book Are You Currently Reading/Have Read Recently?

Overcoming Self-Doubt – Without the Golden Globe

I’m really into Podcasts lately. They’re kind of my new thing.

I’ve been listening to This American Life or NPR on my way to work in the mornings, and it has completely revolutionized my entire subway experience. Sure, I look a little crazy laughing to myself in the middle of a jam-packed train,  but I try not to let the awkward stares get me down.

Anyway, in my quest to expand my Podcast horizons, I recently stumbled across one called “I Should Be Writing” for wannabe fiction writers. It’s hosted by writer Mur Lafferty, and every week focuses on a different topic relating to writing. A lot of them don’t apply to me, since I’m really more of a corporate droid than an aspiring novelist, but the topic she spoke about the other day was one I could definitely relate to: Self-esteem… or lack thereof. 

During the podcast, Lafferty remarked that she never checks her stats or followers online, because she has low self-esteem and that noise would drive her completely batsh*t cray-cray. She’d end up obsessively checking how many people subscribed to each podcast and overanalyzing every lost twitter follower.

At the same time, however, she acknowledged that you can’t hide from criticism forever. The bigger you get, the more you’re going to be talked about- and not always in a good way.”Go and check Amazon.” she said, “Even Shakespeare has bad reviews”.

The key is not to let this completely destroy your self-esteem and paralyze you from continuing to write. You have to take in what’s constructive, tune out what’s not, and keep on writing.

Incidentally, later that day I also read the chapter in my book, The Happiness Project where author Gretchen Rubin decides to start her own blog.

She almost talked her self out of it on numerous occasions due to self-doubt and insecurity, but in the end, she promised herself she would always “Be Gretchen”. Of course, it went on to become one of the most popular blogs on the internet.

Not to be cliché, but I sort of feel like these two ladies came into my life at exactly the right moment. You may have noticed (psych, no one besides Ben noticed) my rather long blogging hiatus back in February. While I would like to say this was as a result of work stress, crazy partying, or being abducted by sex aliens named Ryan Gosling, the truth is, it wasn’t.

I was sitting on my couch, reading my books and watching Real Housewives, stroking my self-doubt like the kitten I don’t have.

Me

I had plenty of time and opportunity to write; but for some reason, I just couldn’t.

I worried that everything I wanted to say was irrelevant, off-topic; unfunny, or uninteresting. Were people getting tired of my book reviews? Should I be posting more about my personal life? Less about personal life? More pictures of animals doing people things? (BTW, the answer to that question is always yes)

I lost count of how many things I posted on twitter and instagram and then immediately deleted. Why would anyone care about my lamentations on oatmeal and elevators? Or that pic of the three foot chocolate egg at my grocery store I thought was hilarious:

I mean.. it is kind of hilarious

 Unfortunately, unlike Anne Hathaway, I don’t have a Golden Globe to perpetually guard against self-doubt.

I”ve tried snuggling my Liebster blog award at night, but it’s just not the same. It feels all angular. And German.

So I let that shame and insecurity win. I let it travel all the way down to the tips of my fingers and paralyze them.

I was a sad blogger.

But I’ve decided that enough is enough. Bluntly put,  I need to just give less of a f*ck. I need to write more, more often, and care less about what people think. Otherwise, I’ll never fulfill my dreams of becoming Seth Meyers/David Sedaris/Mindy Kaling/Lena Dunham/Carl Kasell. (Ok, that last one isn’t even a writer.. I just love his voice SO DAMN MUCH).

Lena Dunham doesn’t G.A.F. how many people see her peeing, having sex, or wearing mesh shirts with no bra on TV, and look where it’s gotten her!

(Don’t worry guys, I won’t go that far).

I’ve come to realize that there is nothing less funny or engaging than a writer who is self-conscious. It’s time to start throwing everything against the wall and seeing what sticks. It may not all work, but maybe some of it will. Some of my most successful posts have been ones I had no idea people would like, so who knows.

Anyway, I know you’re probably thinking, “Homegirl really needs to learn the difference between “blog” and “journal” right now” … but you know what, I don’t care. Im’ma just Be BreezyK. And you all should be You, too. Every weird, last one of you.

Question of the Day: How do you deal with self-doubt?

Is your writing primarily influenced by your audience, or what you want to write?