The 5 Most Annoying Celebrities of 2012

With the Holiday season quickly drawing to a close and 2013 fast approaching, the internet is ablaze with “2012 year in review” posts. My favourite, of course, being the ones about annoying celebrities.

And since the 100 scotch cookies I’ve eaten over the past week have completely turned my brain to mush (that’s right, mom. I found your secret stash. muhahaha), I figured I’d weigh in with my own list of utterly unbearable celebrities in 2012.

1. Bethenny Frankel

I love hate to be gratuitously mean here, but there is just something about Bethenny Frankel’s face I really don’t like. Actually, it’s everything about her face. And her voice. And her personality.

via People.com

I feel sort of bad harping on her, since her made-for-tv marriage just broke up and everything, but I really can’t help it. She just grinds my gears. Bethenny please, for the love of God, pack up your 8 TV shows, cookbook collection and SkinnyGirl Margaritas (which are gross, by the way) and just go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it’s not in my living room.

2. Lindsay Lohan

Oh, Lilo. It’s just a sin, really. There’s not much I can say here that hasn’t been beaten to death already..so instead I’ll just focus this portion of the post on the travesty that is her hair extensions.

stensions

I mean, really, Linds. I know you’ve been experiencing some financial difficulties as of late, but couldn’t you just pawn a stolen fur or something and get yourself some new ‘stensions? It’s the least you could do after making us sit through Liz and Dick. Plus, that nasty weave of yours sure as hell ain’t inspiring no confidence in any judges. Trust me. I know these things.

3. Rihanna & Chris Brown

If you, like me, have made the mistake of following BadgalRiRi on Twitter or Instagram, then you already know what I’m talking about. Her newsfeed, which, at the best of times, is a schizophrenic combo of ganja posts, half-naked selfies and “inspirational mantras”, has recently played host to her grade 8 style make-up/break-up/meltdown cycle with Chris Brown.

ririchrisin

Plus this whole Karreuche Tran love triangle element. RiRi seriously needs to pull a Mary J Blige, cut the drama, and stick to doing what she does best: writing killer pop songs and performing them in front of Windows Screensavers on SNL.

ririsnl

Work that screensaver, girl

4. Honey Boo Boo

Y’all know I have shockingly low standards when it comes to my reality-tv (Ex-Wives of Rock, anyone?), but even I draw the line at Honey Boo Boo.

honeyboo

Never has anything so mentally and physically repulsed me within a 30 minute time period. Except for maybe my performance on the treadmill yesterday. But let’s not talk about that.

From the gourmet ‘sketti dinners, to the Go Go Juice, to Mama June’s “forklift foot” (for the love of God, do NOT google this), I just can’t even. It’s actually shocking to me how spoiled and ill-behaved this child is. The last thing homegirl needs is a renewed contract. What she really needs is a speech pathologist.

5. Tom Cruise

This one is also kind of gratuitous, because Tom didn’t really do anything in particular to piss me off in 2012; besides get his “heart broken” spectacularly. I just kind of can’t stand him. His voice. His smile. His glibness. I mean, just look at him:

tomc

Leave the “charmingly befuddled” thing to Hugh Grant, would you Tom?

There is a Scientology building in Toronto, and whenever I pass by it I like to imagine it as a 24-hour “Tom Cruise New Wife” screening centre. I always do a quick scan of the entrances for tall, endomorph midwestern girl next-door-types. No luck yet, though. They must be hiding them well.

Phew. Ok. End rant. I feel I can enter 2013 marginally less bitter now. Marginally.

Question of the Day: What celebrities do you find the most annoying?

2012: Written in the Stars?

Happy New Year, friends! Apologies for not posting yesterday- but, let’s just say a little too much of this happened on NYE:

That's not actually wine, but rather an intensely inappropriate amount of champagne.

I pride myself on making really, really poor life decisions.

Ok I might as well just come clean- this hangover thing is really just a front for my being too devastated about Russell Brand and Katy Perry’s impending divorce to get out of bed yesterday… why did 2011 see the end of so many legitimate marriages??

  

 True love- if you’re out there- I still believe in you.

Anyway, this is probably the point where you are expecting to hear my New Year’s Resolution(s)… but I’ve gotta be honest, I had a tough time coming up with any this year. I thought about kicking the sauce for January (or “Janopause” as those crazy Brits call it)… but then I read that abstaining from alcohol when you’re used to saving the world with it each weeekend can actually be harmful to your health. Aaand that’s all I needed to hear.

Since my life is amazing and I’m pretty much perfect in every other way, I couldn’t really think of anything else to resolve (suggestions not welcome), but It seemed sort of blasphemous to not resolve anything, so I took to the internet in search of ideas.

I couldn’t find any resolutions I liked (because I don’t feel like becoming anorexic, saving feral cats, or  being an inherently good person this year) but I did happen to stumble across my 2012 yearly horoscope.

I’ve always been envious of people who religiously read their horoscopes. They must have such a sense of direction in life. It’s the same with people who believe in things like seances, psychic mediums and soothsayers. Even if you don’t have your future all figured out- It must be nice to think that someone else does.  We had a Ouija board when I was a kid.. I believed in that thing for awhile… until I realized that my older brothers were just moving the spade on their own. Devastating.

Anyway,  what with both the Mayans and crazy Canadian soothsayers warning of the apocalypse, this seems as good a year as any to stop my constant journey of self improvement, and instead, just start letting the cosmic forces decide what happens to me.

So because I know you’re just dying to read someone else’s horoscope, here’s what my year apparently  has in store for me:

SCORPIO: Oct. 24 – Nov. 22

This year’s remarkable celestial activity marks a turning point in your affairs, and it is possible that your attitude toward love and/or money will never be quite the same again. Of course, it could simply be a change of heart. But a shift in outlook can be as effective as a shift in direction. Certainly, Jupiter’s positive influence will herald a new beginning and enable you to weave together some threads that have been trailing in recent months. However, with unpredictable Uranus squaring up to your ruler Pluto in May and September, you may have to review your plans in light of changing circumstances.

heh. It says “uranus”.

But seriously… I think that’s about the only word I understood in this hippy dippy nonsense. Apparently there’s a lot of necessary background information for interpreting one’s horscope which I do not happen to possess. Like the demeanour and temperments of all the planets, for example…. who knew Jupiter was so agreeable? [Sidenote: why does Pluto get to be my ruler, anyway?  According to wikipedia, not only is it the farthest away from the sun, it's also a "dwarf planet". I don't even get a regular sized planet?? What gives?] .

Since my space-based knowledge is limited to being able to tell you that our solar  system is known as The United Federation of Planets, and that one may conduct interplanetary travel through the use of a simple  bath towel, this whole horoscope business might not be for me.

For now, I can tell you that my immediate future involves a bottle glass of wine, some chinese takeout, and the 2 hour season premiere of The Bachelor. And if that’s not a good sign of things to come in 2012, then I don’t really know what is.

Question of the Day:  Do you Read your Horoscope?