My Life Through Instagram Vol. 2

What up, homies? I know my blog has been about as active as a Giant Panda on Valium lately, and for that I apologize.

Side note: did you know Giant Pandas spend approximately 16 hours a day eating?? 

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We have so much in common.

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Anyway, it’s been a busy few weeks for your girl BreezyK here: weddings, parties, cottage weekends, and most importantly- a new job!

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(Do I get points for the timely Shoppers Drug Mart gif? No? Ok.)

It’s still in law, but no longer in private practice… so I expect the quality of my life to improve drastically to have more regular hours and thus more free time for blogging. (When my busy schedule of grooming and beauty related appointments permits, of course.)

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Those pictures were completely gratuitous.

Anyway, I know I owe you guys a real post (and to read and comment on some of the great stuff you’ve been writing), but as mentioned above, I’m in panda-mode. So in the meantime, I thought I’d give a little update on my life through my favourite fleetingly popular social media platform: instagram.

(You can see my first installment of My Life Through Instagram here.)

If you don’t follow me on Instagram, then you definitely should: @BreezyK1. I am extremely self-absorbed and post a lot of pictures of my manicures. Who doesn’t like that in their newsfeed??

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1.    Someone’s been making mixtapes!

2.    See, I told you. (Hey, when it takes as long as this did, it deserves to be instagrammed) 

3.    Summer BBQs. If you can believe it, there was actually way more food unpictured.

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4.    We clean up aiight 

5.    Sunset over Sugar Lake

6.    Wine and Cheese with a view.. oh you fancy huh  

7.    This album has been getting me through a lot of tough runs lately. Kanye- you may be a crazed egomaniac with questionable child-naming skills, but your beats are solid and your lyrics genius. So thank you for that.  

8.    Champagne celebrations

9.    I challenge you to name me a treat more delicious than s’mores

You just peed in your pants a little, didn't you?

You just peed in your pants a little, didn’t you?

10.  So I joined a softball league this summer- considering the ability to play softball entirely irrelevant. The only thing worse than my batting average is my attendance- but I do contribute to the team by taking glorious, sunset candid shots like this one.. so I think I’m pulling my weight.

11.  My lovely friend Danielle looking fierce at her wedding

12.  Cottage Adventures

13.  Do you… canoe? (Ok that was lame. Forgive me guys, I’ve been out of the game for a while) 

14.  Little father’s day tribute to my pops.. (and some inadvertent product placement. Mmm. Veggie Thins) 

15.  Delicious Sangria by the pool… I am just noticing now how many of these pics involve alcohol.

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16.  A lifesize “The Claw” arcade game set up in the financial district as part of Toronto’s Luminato festival for the arts and creativity. There was actually a dude inside who, when you put money into the machine, tried to retrieve a toy for you with oversize claw-like implements. Everyone cheered when he got one, and when he missed they played the sad fail music from the Price is Right. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A

Umm this Youtube video has had over 3 million views. I don’t know why, but that’s awesome.

Question of the Day: What has been the highlight of your summer thus far?

Mine’s probably a tossup between drinking that Sangria and watching the new season of Big Brother.. but I expect that to change when I head to Nova Scotia this weekend!

10 Lessons From TV Moms

A wise woman once said, “It takes a village to raise a child”.

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That, and “You can never have enough pantsuits”

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…but we won’t hold that against her. 

In honor of this maxim (the village, not the pantsuits), this Mother’s Day, I’ll be celebrating not only to my own mom, but also all of the amazing TV moms who helped raise me. Claire Huxtable, Elyse Keaton, Vivian Banks, Kitty Foreman-  where would I be without all of their sage advice, no-non sense attitudes and witty one-liners? (Well, maybe a little more well- read. But that’s beside the point.)

Here, with the help of a few GIFS, are 10 lessons I learned from TV moms: 

1.    Stand Up For Yourself

…. you show those b*tches who’s boss 

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2. You only have one family, so you might as well make the most of it.

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3. Not everything that’s good for you is fun

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4. Don’t worry so much about your appearance

………..You can have a harelip, crunchy bangs, or look like Mama June and someone will still love you.

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5. It’s Important To Always  Be a Lady

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6. Every once in a while, you need to eat a piece of humble pie

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……………….Unless of course you’re Tina Fey

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7. Choose your friends wisely

…….because apparently, everyone is an asshole

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8. Don’t ever forget where you came from

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9. And When it comes to boys….

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But if you really can’t help yourself…

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And when you find that special someone… 

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10. Don’t be afraid to let loose every once in a while:

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… and when all else fails,

Sometimes, you need something a little stronger

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Happy Mother’s Day!!

Question of the Day: Who Is Your Favourite TV Mom?

Dreams Really Do Come True

So remember that time I saw Jason Priestley at a play and vowed to make him mine?

Well kids, I’m here to tell you that if you stalk work hard enough, dreams really do come true!

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That’s right ladies- read ‘em and weep: Brandon Walsh and I are officially an item.  (Just kidding. I don’t think his wife would like that very much. But our heads are touching in this pic, which basically means we’re besties now.)

The pic above was taken at the wrap party for the play Race by David Mamet, in which Jason starred as a morally conflicted criminal lawyer.

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My friend Jane and I went to see it a couple of weeks ago, and afterwards received an e-mail inviting us to schmooze with Jason and the cast at the wrap party. Obviously we couldn’t let the opportunity to hang with 90210′s resident moral compass pass us by,

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so we got dolled up and went.

There were only about 75 people in attendance, so stalking opportunity = prime.  Jason was hanging with the DJ and taking some photos with fans, so we made our way up to talk to him.

I will admit, I had a total fangirl moment was unable to form words for the first few seconds,

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But eventually I pulled it together and eeked out “I loved your play!” (lie, it was terrible) “you made a very convincing lawyer!” (another lie, he didn’t), and then we chatted for a few minutes – mostly about Nova Scotia, where I’m from, and he films his TV show Call me Fitz. He said he loves it and has been thinking of buying a home there (!!!!).  Note to self: move back to Nova Scotia.

Things were just getting good when his handler came over and asked “if I could I please hurry it up because they needed to move along.”

Ummm.. RUDE. Could she not see we clearly had a connection?

Anyway, we shared a wistful embrace (if you’re wondering, he smelled like expensive cologne and nostalgia) and then Jane and I left and headed to another bar. We were debriefing about our brush with celebrity when lo and behold, Jason and his assistant walk into the VERY SAME BAR!

On the inside I was like:

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But on the outside, I’m just like:

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We asked them if they were stalking us (because, you know, we touched heads, so we can joke like that now) and they laughed, and then drank with us for the rest of the night. (And by “with us” I mean at the table next to us, and we didn’t speak another word- but close enough for me!)

Anyway, I see this all as a very positive development in our relationship. Am I disappointed things didn’t progress more? Sure. But it’s Brandon Walsh, I’ve learned he likes to take things slow.

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Don’t worry Brandon Jason- I’ve got time.

Question of the Day: Were you a 90210 fan? What celeb from your youth would you want to meet?

Throwback Thursday: Who Wants To Know?

Well, it’s Thursday- and you know what that means: time to check in on some of our favourite has-beens celebrities from days gone by!

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In my last edition of Throwback Thursday, I solicited recommendations for more celebrities to exploit follow up on, and man, you guys did NOT disappoint. You came up with some real, certified, D-List gems- and that’s saying something, considering I thought most of them were on Celebrity Rehab or Couples Therapy already.

throwback14  Anyway, your wish is my command Google search! For each of these artists I’ve answered the age-old question “Where are they now?” - so grab some popcorn and watch as the train wrecks unfold!

Jimmy Ray

If you were alive in 1997 and still had functioning ear drums after being subjected to “My Heart Will Go On” eleventy billion times, then you are undoubtedly familiar with this song:

With these amazing lyrics, cheekbones for days, and hair that defied all natural laws of gravity, it seemed  Jimmy Ray was destined for superstardom.

throwback4  Alas- it was not meant to be. Apparently Jimmy suffered some “creative differences” with his label, and after producing a few more ill-fated singles, they dropped his ass. The English rockabilly crooner was left  to join the ranks of such other one-hit wonders as Chumbawamba and Lou Bega (Mambo No. 5 anyone?).

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So what’s a boy with nothing but a dream, some perfectly cuffed jeans and a glamorous novelty belt buckle to do? 

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Well I’ll tell you what he’s NOT doing: sitting at home, clutching his solid gold single and crying into his brylcreem. 

(Well, maybe a little)

(Well, maybe a little)

Instead, Jimmy marched his signature pout and devil-may-care attitude down the street to someone who actually gave a damn. Now he’s a member of the Airplayers, a song production team producing pop acts mainly in the UK and Europe. (He also has a LinkedIn profile, so you know he’s serious.)

I can’t find a recent pic, but for the love of God, I hope he hasn’t lost all his hair. 

Color Me Badd

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 … I mean, they really need no introduction. The early 90′s R&B group from Oklahoma sold over 12 million albums in the U.S. with such hits as “I Wanna Sex You Up” and “All 4 love” – all while rocking  jewel-toned pantsuits.  

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A moment of silence for that trend, please.

Anyway, after schooling us all in the arts of synchronized dance routines and color blocking:

Color Me Badd broke up in 2000, and the four members went their separate ways.

  • Sam Watters became a record producer and married American Idol alum Tamyra Grey

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  • Mark Calderon became a Christian recording artist
  • Kevin Thorton was ordained as a Minister,  and
  • Bryan Abrams was up on domestic violence charges.
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Really living up to that second “D”, buddy

Although the R&B Angels sing no more, their legacy still lives on by inspiring such parody videos as Lonely Island’s “D*ck In A Box”.

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… and at the end of the day, that’s what every band wants, isn’t it?

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If you were a teenage girl in the late 90′s, then don’t even pretend you didn’t lose your sh*t every time “When The Lights Go Out” came on at your high school dance:

You know you rocked your kerchief top and cargo pants on the dance floor so hard at least one of your butterfly clips flew out and wedged itself in some unsuspecting kid’s braces.

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It wasn’t your fault. These dudes were certified lady killers: “Slam Dunk Da Funk”, “Got the Feelin”, “If Ya Gettin Down” – need I go on??

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Sadly, 5ive’s time in the spotlight was short-lived. The Brit boy band, which was created by the same producers as The Spice Girls (and included a member named “Abz Love”), split up in 2001 after- you guessed it- “creative differences”. The boys’ post-breakup history is pretty much par for the course: failed solo careers, stints at music production, domestic abuse allegations, oh- and of course a reality show.

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That’s right. Earlier this year, 5ive teamed up with fellow has-beens 911Atomic KittenB*WitchedHoneyz and Liberty X, for the British documentary series The Big Reunion, which followed the bands as they prepared for a reunion concert.

This is 5ive now. Not bad, amiright??

This is 5ive now. Not bad, amiright??

I have obviously been scouring the internet for footage of this train wreck but haven’t been able to find it. UK readers- help a sista out. Where can I watch this television gold? 

Question of the Day:  What other has-beens have you wondered about? 

Throwback Thursday: 90′s Edition

Fasten your seatbelts, kids- because I’m about to take you on a trip down memory lane the masochistic nostalgia highway with yet another round of have beens, washed ups and never-weres.

Yes, it’s Throwback Thursday again- and this week, we’re kicking it 90′s style.   

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The inspiration for this TBT actually came from an experience I had at a play a couple of weeks ago here in Toronto.

Yes, you read that correctly: BreezyK went to the theaaaataaah! Clearly I’ve been spending way too much time with Intellectual Dachshund.

All the world's a stage and.... hey, where's my scotch?

All the world’s a stage and…. hey, who moved my scotch?

Anyway, I was standing in line at the box office waiting for my homies, when suddenly I spotted a handsome gentleman to my immediate right. I was like

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I turned my head to take a closer look, only to discover that this “cute guy” was actually BRANDON FREAKING WALSH!!!

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 Yes- Jason Priestley was standing directly beside me, breathing the very same air. I wanted to say something snarky like “hey, wanna go to the Peach Pit after this?” or  “how’s Brenda? still reeling from that pregnancy scare?”

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But I refrained, and instead focused on obsessively studying every detail of his face. He was wearing a red K-Way type jacket, and looked a little worse for the wear- sort of like a hot dad post-soccer practice.

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He was also shorter than I expected, but had movie star eyes: the kind that melt your heart and haunt your soul at the same time. We held eye contact for roughly 3 seconds. (I counted.) 

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Obviously I had to Google him afterwards. It’s the responsible thing to do once you start dating someone new. I discovered that after such career highs as Choices of the Heart: The Margaret Sanger Story and People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful 1991, Jason bounced around for a while before landing the role of a morally flexible car salesman on HBO’s Call Me Fitz. 

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The show has received some critical acclaim and firmly re-trenched the Canadian starlet in D-List celebrity territory. Priestley is also starring in David Mamet’s new play “Race”, opening here in Toronto on Sunday. So, if you need me, I’ll be sitting in the front row, wearing my ratty old 90210 shirt and cheering on my man until further notice. Jason, if you’re reading this- let’s try to make it 4 seconds this time.  ;) 

Savage Garden

This TBT is brought to you by the Bellagio hotel lobby, whose unofficial radio policy is: “All Savage Garden, All The Time”.

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I swear I heard their songs more times in the past 4 days than in the past 10 years combined.  (Not that I’m complaining.)

For those of you who didn’t slow dance to “Truly Madly Deeply” with your grade 6 boyfriend like I did, I’ll give a little background: Savage Garden was an Australian pop/rock duo who first hit it big in North America back in 1998. Something about “Chicken Cherry Cola”.

The band consisted of Darren Hayes on vocals and Daniel Jones on instrumentals. After producing a handful of hits in the late 90′s, the pair split up in 2001 so Hayes could pursue his solo endeavours. 

Hayes came out with the song “Insatiable” in 2002 which I never heard but somehow has over 4 million YouTube hits???

I initially credited this to his glorious frosted tips in the video:

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but joke’s on me, because Darren Hayes is actually a legit TBT success story! He has done four solo albums since Savage Garden, all of which have been commercially successful. According to Wikipedia, he also came out as being gay in the early 2000′s and is a huge a Star Wars buff. Who Knew!

Chumbawamba 

Now I know y’all remember pissing the night away to this one:

But what has happened to the Brit band since?

Well, apparently Chumbawamba has been together for almost 30 years (!!) and was originally formed as an anarchist movement.

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After gracing the world with their surreptitiously anti-facist party anthem “TubThumping”, Chumbawamba had a bit of an identity crisis. They signed under multiple different labels, recording songs in basically every genre possible: techno, punk, world, a capella folk. They even released a Japan-only mini album (wtf is that?) consisting entirely of country and western versions of their greatest hits. Oh, and I almost forgot- they also sometimes go by the name “Skin Disease”.

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Apparently they got tired of being the weirdest band on earth, because in 2012, they decided to call it quits.

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So I know I say this about everyone, but this band REALLY needs their own reality show. I would totally watch that noise.

Off to find a way to make that happen!

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Question of the Day: Any 90′s stars you wonder about?

Viva Las Vegas (Giveaway!!)

In true lapsed Catholic fashion, this year I’ve decided to spend Easter weekend in the un-holiest place on earth: Vegas Baby!!

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That’s right folks- by the time you read this, I will be on my way to Sin City with 17 other bad b*tches to celebrate the bachelorette parties of two of our closest friends. Yep- a DOUBLE bachelorette. God help our livers us all.

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I was initially worried that my very devout mother would be horrified at the idea of my spending Good Friday popping bottles with Diddy at Wet Republic,

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But apparently she’s way too busy worrying about Pope Francis to even notice. (“I mean, I know he preaches the simple life and all.. but if he doesn’t start using more security soon he’s not gonna be preaching anything at all” )

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So I think I’m all set! I’ve got my flip flops, sunglasses, magazines, a crap- ton of candy, and this divine piece of literature for the plane:

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The lady at Chapters assured me that it was “amazing” and “a total page turner”, but with lines like “the next time I drive a Ferrari, I’ll be sure to wear a longer skirt” – I have my doubts.

Anyway, I’ve never been to Vegas, but if it’s anything like I’ve seen in the movies, then I expect to do at least one, if not more of the following things while I’m there:

1. Play a specialized role in an organized casino heist with a motley crew of 11 12 13 sidekicks

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2. Lose one of the bachelorettes, kidnap Mike Tyson’s tiger and pull my own tooth out

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3. Develop an elaborate card counting scheme under the direction of my mentor, Nicholas Cage

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4. Marry Ashton Kutcher and split a $3 million jackpot

What Happens in Vegas movie image Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher

5. Launder millions of superdollars in a counterfeit scam involving the Triads

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6. Thwart Project Vulcan after nearly being assisinated by FemmeBots

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7. Form an unlikely relationship with a hardened prostitute and suddenly develop a new lease on life

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8. Lose all of my money gambling and have to share a $1.49 buffet with my cousin Eddie

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9. Enter a beauty pageant in order to save the original Captain Kirk

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10. Get hopped up on acid and drive around in an old Eldorado

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Yes my friends, in Vegas, anything is possible!!

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and that the Easter bunny finds you. (For your sake, I hope it’s not the same one whose lap I sat on in grade 1.)

*Not me

*Not me

And if you want to make your Easter REALLY special, you can enter my Festive East-Vegas Giveaway! Just match each of the Vegas activities listed above with the correct movie below, and you could win a free CAMEL LIFE TSHIRT!!

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Unfortunately, it’s a ladies size small, so if it doesn’t fit then I guess you’ll just have to frame it and hang it on your wall along with the rest of your BreezyK memorabilia. The winner will also receive a personalized Easter card from me and a Las Vegas themed trinket for your garbage home!

If more than one person guesses the order correctly, I will take bribes draw names.

Here is the list of movies to be matched with the correct # above. Good luck!

A. National Lampoon’s Vegas vacation

B. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

C. Rush Hour 2

D. What Happens in Vegas

E. The Hangover

F. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

G. 21

H. Oceans 11/12/13

I. Leaving Las Vegas

J. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Contest closes on Sunday, March 31 at high noon!

Question of the Day: What are your plans for Easter weekend?

Throwback Thursday: Where Are They Now?

I’m a sucker for a good Friends re-run.  Anytime I hear an episode playing, or catch a glimpse of it on TV, I automatically feel compelled to watch it.

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It’s like I’m being pulled by some sort of centrifugal force. Kind of like how Kramer felt about Mary Hart…. only exactly the opposite.

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Anyway, the other day I found myself watching an episode;  and as the iconic theme song filled the room, and my heart with nostalgia, I got to thinking about The Rembrandts.

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Remember them? They had a massive hit back in 1995 with the mind-numbingly awful yet unbelievably catchy ”I’ll Be There For You” , but what have they done since?

A quick Google search informed me that The Rembrandts (otherwise known as Phil Solem and Danny Wilde) had one other hit: the emo slow jam “That’s Just the Way it is (Baby”). Apparently, however, the stress of 2 hit songs was too much for them, and they split up shortly thereafter. Solem wanted to concentrate on his own band Thrush, while Wilde released his own solo album.

Both of these solo efforts met with about as much success as David Schwimmer’s movie career:

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So they eventually got back together in 2000, and have since released about 17 greatest hit(s?) albums. They also  write and produce music for other really current and relevant bands, like The Gin Blossoms. Other than that, I think they’re probably just busy hot oiling their hair, wearing round sunglasses, and cashing in on all their Friends royalties.

Syndication, baby! Ca-Ching! $$

Syndication, baby! Ca-Ching! $$

Incidentally, that episode also guest-starred Jennifer Grey as Barry’s fiance, Mindy. Obviously I needed a little refresher on what Baby was up to as well.

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Well, apparently that nose job wasn’t so “career ending” after all because home girl won Dancing with the Stars in 2010 and is now starring in lifetime movies! Holla!

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Take that, haters!

All of this got me thinking back to some other forgotten has-beens celebrities from my past.. like:

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Canadian ladies of my vintage will undoubtedly remember the hot mess of seashell necklaces, spiky hair and sub-par vocals that was B4-4.

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The band, which consisted of Toronto twins Ryan and Dan Kowarsky and their friend Ohad Einbinder,  hit it big in 2000 with their single “Get Down”:

WARNING: This video contains scenes some viewers might find disturbing. Like Orange and yellow parachute pants.. and Mank Tops.

I never heard much of them after this, but Wikipedia tells me that they went on to become a giant hit in Germany.

David Hasselhoff and B4-4? Germany, I may never understand you.

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They also used their fledgling celebrity status for a good cause by promoting an anti- frosted tips Smoking Campaign for the European Union alongside Moby.

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The band broke up shortly thereafter, and Ryan and Dan decided to branch out on their own and form the inventively named pop/opera duo “RyanDan” .

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I just can’t even.

According to the RyanDan website, they are releasing a new album soon. Get ready ladies!!

And as for Also-ran (I mean, Ohad Einbinder), apparently he works in music production now and developed a pair of headphones that transform into a boombox. Watch out for the film adaptation in 2014 starring Shia Labeouf.

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Natalie Imbruglia

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The Australian sensation had a giant hit here in North America in 1997 with her song “Torn”, which I was legitimately obsessed with back in grade 6.

I made an entire mixtape of it just this song, and listened to it so much that my mom and dad tried to impose a two-times-a-day limit. I also got my hair cut just like hers; failing to consider that the effect might be slightly different on a prepubescent, mildly overweight 12-year-old than on an Australian pop star.

Once I had my haircut, I would put on my matching grey hoodie and Chinese print tee, set my mixtape to “play” and lip sync in front of the mirror for hours. I had all the moves from the video down pat.. which mostly involved flailing my arms around and looking distressed.

This was not a proud time in my life.

So what has she been up to since? Well, apparently she was a judge on Australian X-factor and was married to Daniel Johns from Silverchair, but is now divorced. Currently, she is an  unsigned artist.

I also stumbled across her Instagram the other day, which didn’t tell me much, except that she has long hair now, and really likes Koala Krisp:

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Damn, that b*tch looks good in anything. Off to buy my own box of cereal and mimic this pose.

Question of the Day: Any forgotten celebs you’re wondering about?

(I’ll save you the 30 seconds and Google them for you)

The 5 Most Annoying Celebrities of 2012

With the Holiday season quickly drawing to a close and 2013 fast approaching, the internet is ablaze with “2012 year in review” posts. My favourite, of course, being the ones about annoying celebrities.

And since the 100 scotch cookies I’ve eaten over the past week have completely turned my brain to mush (that’s right, mom. I found your secret stash. muhahaha), I figured I’d weigh in with my own list of utterly unbearable celebrities in 2012.

1. Bethenny Frankel

I love hate to be gratuitously mean here, but there is just something about Bethenny Frankel’s face I really don’t like. Actually, it’s everything about her face. And her voice. And her personality.

via People.com

I feel sort of bad harping on her, since her made-for-tv marriage just broke up and everything, but I really can’t help it. She just grinds my gears. Bethenny please, for the love of God, pack up your 8 TV shows, cookbook collection and SkinnyGirl Margaritas (which are gross, by the way) and just go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it’s not in my living room.

2. Lindsay Lohan

Oh, Lilo. It’s just a sin, really. There’s not much I can say here that hasn’t been beaten to death already..so instead I’ll just focus this portion of the post on the travesty that is her hair extensions.

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I mean, really, Linds. I know you’ve been experiencing some financial difficulties as of late, but couldn’t you just pawn a stolen fur or something and get yourself some new ‘stensions? It’s the least you could do after making us sit through Liz and Dick. Plus, that nasty weave of yours sure as hell ain’t inspiring no confidence in any judges. Trust me. I know these things.

3. Rihanna & Chris Brown

If you, like me, have made the mistake of following BadgalRiRi on Twitter or Instagram, then you already know what I’m talking about. Her newsfeed, which, at the best of times, is a schizophrenic combo of ganja posts, half-naked selfies and “inspirational mantras”, has recently played host to her grade 8 style make-up/break-up/meltdown cycle with Chris Brown.

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Plus this whole Karreuche Tran love triangle element. RiRi seriously needs to pull a Mary J Blige, cut the drama, and stick to doing what she does best: writing killer pop songs and performing them in front of Windows Screensavers on SNL.

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Work that screensaver, girl

4. Honey Boo Boo

Y’all know I have shockingly low standards when it comes to my reality-tv (Ex-Wives of Rock, anyone?), but even I draw the line at Honey Boo Boo.

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Never has anything so mentally and physically repulsed me within a 30 minute time period. Except for maybe my performance on the treadmill yesterday. But let’s not talk about that.

From the gourmet ‘sketti dinners, to the Go Go Juice, to Mama June’s “forklift foot” (for the love of God, do NOT google this), I just can’t even. It’s actually shocking to me how spoiled and ill-behaved this child is. The last thing homegirl needs is a renewed contract. What she really needs is a speech pathologist.

5. Tom Cruise

This one is also kind of gratuitous, because Tom didn’t really do anything in particular to piss me off in 2012; besides get his “heart broken” spectacularly. I just kind of can’t stand him. His voice. His smile. His glibness. I mean, just look at him:

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Leave the “charmingly befuddled” thing to Hugh Grant, would you Tom?

There is a Scientology building in Toronto, and whenever I pass by it I like to imagine it as a 24-hour “Tom Cruise New Wife” screening centre. I always do a quick scan of the entrances for tall, endomorph midwestern girl next-door-types. No luck yet, though. They must be hiding them well.

Phew. Ok. End rant. I feel I can enter 2013 marginally less bitter now. Marginally.

Question of the Day: What celebrities do you find the most annoying?

Ain’t Got No Love For the Ding Dong?

So I know you’ve probably had enough of me after that long-ass diatribe I wrote last night about my experience at Sleep No More, but shockingly, I’ve got a few more things left to say.
Let’s just call this the “Friday Roundup of Randomness” shall we? (Or don’t, because that’s awful. )

1. Can we talk about Jamie Foxx hosting SNL last weekend?

JamieFoxx

Nailed it. From his monologue featuring 2 Chainz, to his portrayal as host of the game show “B*ttch, What’s the answer?” to his performance as a disgruntled Hostess Ding Dong, 2 thumbs way up.

2. I have no time for impatient people (<;;— see what I did there?). Especially the ones in line behind you at the grocery store who load all their stuff onto the belt and then push their empty carts alongside the register and edge you out completely as you're trying to pay. God FORBID you want to go back and get that package of mentos you've been eyeing, because face it buddy, you're f*cked now. You have nowhere to go but OUT.

3. My new favourite person to Twitter-stalk is Judd Apatow. Not only does he tweet back all of his fans, he posted like 100 self-pics from the This is 40 premiere. I’m working on the perfect tweet to him as we speak. I’m thinking something short, sweet, and to the point. i.e.:

“@juddapatow: Who’s Leslie?”

juddap

3. Instagram tells me that Lena Dunham and Aubrey Plaza are friends now.

aubreylena

WHY AM I NOT IN THIS PICTURE

4. I tuned into Real Housewives of New York the other night after a brief one-season hiatus. Apparently, I missed a lot. Like who are all these new b*tches? Where’s crazy Jill Zarin? And wtf is “Yummy Tummy”? Someone fill me in.

5. (This one I’m really excited about): My dad is coming to Toronto this weekend! Frequent blog readers know him as the crazy, reindeer print making husband of the even crazier neat freak/religious zealot that is my mother.. but I just know him as dear old dad. He’s in town for the Buffalo Bills game in Tdot on Sunday and we’re gonna paint the town red. (And by that I mean visiting the hockey hall of fame, going to church and eating at diners).

6. I wrote this post on my iPhone with my WordPress app. #sotechy

And finally, who wants to hear track 2 from my highly anticipated year in review mixtape??

EVERYONE? Ok, here it is:

Question of the Day: What are you doing this weekend? or, any random things to complain about?

P.S. for all you techies out there : in the words of Drunk Uncle: twitter me! Twitter me! @thecamellife
Or, holla at my Instagram: @breezyk1

Breaking the Fourth Wall: My Experience With Interactive Theatre

When I was in New York a couple of weeks ago, my friends and I attended a performance of  Punchdrunk theatre’s “Sleep No More“.

sleepno

Sleep No More is an interactive theatre performance based loosely on Shakespeare’s MacBeth. There is no dialogue and no program is given. Instead, you follow the actors around the 1930′s era”McKittrick Hotel” ( a group of refurbished warehouses in Manhattan) and watch as the drama unfolds.

Now, I know many of you probably read the words “interactive theatre” and thought to yourselves:

katt-williams-dafuq

And I don’t blame you. I was a little skeptical myself. But I’d heard good things, so decided to give it a go.

We arrived at the hotel about half an hour before the performance started, and were led through a series of drak hallways to the hotel lounge known as the “Manderley”. There, we had a drink, listened to the lounge singers, and awaited our turn to enter the hotel. (Fans of Gossip Girl may recognize it from this episode)

We had each been given playing cards with different numbers, and soon they announced it was time for anyone holding a 7 to enter the hotel.

Gulp. That was me.

I said goodbye to my friends and made my way towards the elevators, where a dapper albeit creepy young “usher” awaited us.

“Good Evening”, he said, “Welcome to the McKittrick Hotel”.

As we stepped into the elevator, he handed us each a mask like this one:

sleepnomoremask

and told us it must remain on  at all times during the performance. Once the elevator stopped, we would be free to  explore the hotel as we pleased. We were encouraged to follow anyone not wearing a mask, as these were the characters in the play. “Follow your curiosity wherever it leads you,” our usher said, “and if possible,  do it completely alone.”

Soon, the elevator stopped, and as he moved his arm to let us pass, he added: “Just remember- fortune favours the bold”.

The crowd immediately dispersed, and I was left to wander the hotel alone. I’m not going to lie, I was pretty much scared sh*tless. I felt like I was playing a real-life game of Clue and that Colonel Mustard was going to jump out from behind a corner and bludgeon me to death with the candlestick at any second.

He's just so damn nefarious

He even looks nefarious

Suddenly, an unmasked young woman ran past.  Showtime, I thought. A small crowd gathered, and together we followed her from room to room as she brushed her hair, put on lipstick and sobbed over a photograph. I had no sweet clue what was going on, but was strangely mesmerized.

I was just about to follow her into her bedroom when I spotted a young, unmasked man down the hall, clutching his stomach in pain. (I would later discover this was Malcolm.)

He was, in a word, beautiful. Like a taller, hotter Joseph Gordon Levitt.

only BETTER

only BETTER

Obviously, I had to follow this dude.

I watched Malcolm tear apart what appeared to be an alchemist’s shop before finding what he was looking for. He turned to face me, and before I knew it, grabbed my hand and led me down the hall to a shoe-box size room fashioned into a graveyard. He locked the door behind us and opened his palm to reveal a single egg. He stared into my eyes intently (!!!) before placing the egg in my hand. Then, without warning, he raised his hand and smashed the egg in my palm, dirt spilling out everywhere.

He searching through the dirt on my hand as though looking for some sort of message, before taking me by the shoulders and pressing me against the wall. He ripped off my mask and brought his face exquisitely close to mine. “Do you see the signs?” he shouted; “Do you?!”

We had been instructed not to speak, so this put me in  a rather awkward position. I wanted to play by the rules, but I also wanted to please Malcolm. I sort of shrugged a little, and with that, he collapsed into my chest and began murmuring and kissing my neck. I stood there motionless,”The Greatest Love of All” playing on a continuous loop in my head.

I had always thought I would meet the love of my life on an airplane, but hey- interactive theatre would work too.

Future engagement photo

For some unidentifiable reason, Malcolm grew tired of weeping into my bosom and kicked me out of the graveyard. I was devastated, but the show must go on.

I spent the next two hours wandering aimlessly around the hotel, trying to piece together what the eff was going on. We were told to read the synopsis of MacBeth beforehand, but I was too busy scarfing down NY pizza  and Magnolia cupcakes to give it a second thought. I watched some sort of weird dinner party where almost everyone’s sexuality was questionable, a grizzly murder, and a LOT of interpretive dance performed by a pregnant lady.

Yeah. I don’t know either.

dinner

At the end, we were all subtly ushered back to the Manderley, where I rushed over to my friends to tell them all about my  quasi make-out session with hot Joseph Gordon Levitt. But before I got the chance, my friend Michelle interjected: “OMG! Did you see the naked orgy with the baby sacrifice?”

Um… the what with the what now?

Oh no b*tch didn’t just try to steal my thunder right now. A baby sacrifice?  Are you f*&king kidding me?

Whatever. Everyone knows Hot Joseph Gordon Levitt pulls trump card any day.

As it turns out Sleep No More was some serious choose-your-own adventure business. Everyone had completely different experiences. One of my friends watched a man take a shower, completely naked. She even handed him a towel. (!!)

All in all, it was a pretty amazing experience, and if you’re looking for something fun and different in NYC, I would totally recommend it. The only downside? I never did get Malcolm’s number. But all’s not lost- I’m working on my Craigslist Missed Connection as we speak. What do you guys think of this:

“You asked me if I saw the signs-   w4m (The McKittrick)

You – tall, dark and haunted.

Me- smitten.

I thought at first you were quoting Ace of Base, but now I see. Let’s solve those mysteries together. “

Question of the Day: Do you love the theataaah? Ever experience interactive plays?