Food / Humour

Throwback Thursday: Halloween Candy

Halloween is right around the corner, and since I’m too lazy busy deciding which ironic Halloween costume to wear (Miley Cyrus wrecking ball?

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Or Baby North West?),

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I thought I’d go into the vault and pull out this little gem I first published back in October, 2011.

Originally part of a feature I did called Turn Up The Good: Turn Down The Suck, where I profiled a few things that were good, followed by a few things that sucked (genius, I know), this post is all about my favourite thing in the world (besides wine) – Candy! enjoy.

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Halloween is by far my favourite holiday of the year. Not only does it give you free license to wear whatever the hell you want and call it a “costume”, it’s also the day on which such A-List celebrities as Vanilla Ice, Rob Schnieder and (drumroll please)…. yours truly, were born. So that’s why, for this edition of Turn Up the Good, Turn down The Suck – I thought I would focus on one of the best parts of this glorious day: CANDY.

Halloween breezyk circa 1989

As a child, I put the “anal” in “analyze”. This was especially true of Halloween. I would return from trick or treating, dump my goods on my bedroom floor, and proceed to spend hours poring over my loot and categorizing its contents; determining which pieces were to be consumed first and which saved for later. By the time I was done constructing all of my little piles, my room looked like an episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive- but it was worth it. My rationing ensured that I would be adequately supplied with candy until Christmas (or at least until my older brothers got a hold of it.)

Sure they look cute… but these boys CANT BE TRUSTED

Anyway- as evidenced by my story, not all Halloween candy was created equal: so here I present to you a list of the best (turn up the good) and worst (turn down the suck) of Halloween candy:

Turn Up the Good

1. Full Size Chocolate Bars: otherwise known as the holy grail of trick or treating. Like unicorns (yes, exactly like unicorns), these were scarce. Neighbourhood kids would discuss which houses were giving full-size bars away, and make special trips just to get them. God bless these generous individuals.

2. Reese Peanut Butter Cups: I realize this one is slightly subjective. You can feel free to insert your favourite fun-size chocolate bar here- but damn I loved me some Reeses. Guaranteed to make the top cut of any sorting round.

2. Full Cans of (NAME BRAND ONLY) Pop (None of that No-name cola shit): I hesitated to add this one, simply because of the sheer weight these puppies add to your treat bag. However, it’s a cross I was always willing to bear in order to have unlimited cans of Pepsi at my disposal throughout November….

4. Homemade Shit: This makes the list due to its elusive nature. Homemade cookies? Quaint little bags of popcorn tied up lovingly with ribbons? CANDY APPLES? Sure they all looked amazing- but kid, you might as well just forget about it. If your parents were anything like mine, all that gloriousness was being thrown in the trash faster than you could say “this isn’t actually a costume“.

Homemade halloween treats- I salute you. Though your creators may be creepy, and you may contained concealed razor blades- your potential deliciousness transcends.

Turn Down the Suck

1. Rockets: AKA a cheap-ass waste of valuable treat bag space…. or, as a friend of mine rightly clarified: “a waste of EARTH space”.

2. Mollases Kisses: You know the ones I’m talking about. A sort of caramel/tootsie roll/ black licorice hybrid that have been around forever, and for some reason still persists. These choking hazards shouldn’t be given to CHILDREN- they should be reserved for old men who are missing most of their teeth so they can kill some time. I’m not feelin it.

3. Unmarked bags of potato chips: This was always a crapshoot. Emblazoned only with the “Hostess” or “Humpty Dumpty” logo all over them, you never knew what you were going to get. You risked wasting potential treats if you opened it up and didn’t like that kind, and for the weirdo kids like me, this created a nightmare for categorization.

Like this… EXCEPT NOT

4. Non-Food Related Items

Pencils, erasers, religious pamphlets… basically anything that made you roll your eyes behind the mask of your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume and go “REALLY?”

Bitches be fundamentally misunderstanding the concept of Halloween, yo..

Question of the Day: What were your favourite/ least favourite Halloween Treats?

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23 thoughts on “Throwback Thursday: Halloween Candy

  1. My candy of all suckitude is the Jolly Rancher. I had a bag that would sense a Jolly Rancher in the tri-neighborhood area and shoot a missle in the general direction of the house that gave them out, and incincerate the Jolly Rancher in any kid’s bags. Either that or I would just throw them out.

  2. We give out the full-size bars at our house. The kids get so excited so it’s totally worth it. Best house on the street.

    What’s up with the soda? We never got cans of soda. Worst treat was mini boxes of Kellogg’s cereal when we lived in Battle Creek, Mich., which is where Kellogg’s is headquartered. My brother used to say “no thank you” whenever someone came to the door with a supply of cereal.

    I’m craving me some Reese’s now.

    • haha your brother has serious swagger. I wish I could have said “no thank you” to craptastic candy. Well done on bringing the full size chocolate bar game to your street!! Wish I could go to your house

  3. Love them all! Being a bit older than you, I remember the “fun” size candy used to be a lot more fun. Maybe it is just memory playing tricks on me, but I think they were much bigger back then. (insert that’s what she said joke here). Hated any type of fruit being dropped into my sack of trick or treating wonder. Fortunately there was some untrue rumor about razor blades and I was able to discard any such healthy “treat” alternatives quickly and without protest. Any type of hard candy really made me angry. I wanted chocolate, and If there was no chocolate I was not a happy camper. You were born on Halloween? That explains a lot. :-) Happy Halloween

  4. Your childhood always sounds so much more interesting than mine. Most of my memories are of playing on my Sega Mega Drive or setting fire to things.

    Halloween isn’t really a big thing over here. It’s generally a case of throwing a white sheet over your head to dress as a ghost and then hope the neighbours don’t shout at you when you knock on their door.

  5. HAHA – the worst were the hard candy people – and let’s not forget the ones who gave out toothbrushes and mini-toothpastes (seriously – demented dentists, obviously).

  6. Happy early birthday! Totally agree that Reese’s are where it’s at and the supreme (Halloween) candy of all.

    Last on my list is black licorice, except they’re my mom’s favorite and I would always give them to her as a good deed (and to suck up).

    Doing anything exciting for your birthday next week?

    • Thank you! Black licorice is definitely polarizing. you’re either a lover or a hater and I’m a total hater. Just can’t get behind it! Red nibs though, however are my jam.

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