Few films have left such a lasting impact on my life as the 1999 cult classic Office Space.
Not only are its characters hilarious and its lines highly quotable, its tongue-in-cheek (yet painfully accurate) depiction of corporate culture continues to haunt me in my day-to-day life.
Anyway, while catastrophizing about my life the other day, I was reminded of one of my favourite anecdotes from the film- the “Jump To Conclusions Mat”.
Conceived by the bumbling Tom Sizemore, the Jump to Conclusions mat was, quite simply, a mat that you put on the floor with different CONCLUSIONS that you could JUMP TO.
I wished I had a jump to conclusions mat myself. Things would be so much simpler (especially if I landed on “moot!” every time).
All of this got me thinking: what other inventions from popular culture would I love to see come to life?
1. The Delorean Time Machine
Back To The Future
Man, what I wouldn’t give to go back in time. On second thought- I don’t know if I could handle the responsibility. What if it was like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer time travels through a toaster and Ned Flanders becomes dictator of the universe? Or we all end up with giant lizard tongues? Actually, the lizard tongues would be kinda cool. One Delorean, please.
Oh, the places I would go with a Transporter.
……Mostly to Sephora and the bulk candy store down the street… but still, Beam me up, Scotty!
3. Mind Control Device
The brainchild of diabolical toddler-genius Stewie Griffin, this ingenious device allows its holder to completely control the mind of anyone within aiming vicinity.
While Stewie used his in an elaborate scheme to kill his mother, I’d use mine for much more benevolent purposes…. like convincing all of my coworkers to bring me cupcakes. Mmm. cupcakes.
4. Invisibility Cloak
Because I’m inherently 7 years old, I often think about what I would do if I could be invisible for a day. Eavesdropping, sneaking onto international flights and stealing expensive items are all high on my list; but more importantly, I’d probably just pull a lot of people’s pants down.
5. The Transformation Chamber
Like Steve Urkel’s debonair doppleganger Stefan Urquelle,
I like to think I have an alter ego inside me just waiting for a Transformation Chamber to come out as well. Her name is Breeyoncé, She is a 5’11 Spanish pop star/diplomat/fugitive who is wanted in several countries for her suggestive on-stage dancing. Recently divorced from Charlie Sheen, she bides her time as Karl Lagerfeld’s muse and has a taste for expensive champagne and wealthy Italian race car drivers. She also rarely sweats, has long, thick, luxurious hair, and never feels awkward at cocktail parties.
6. The Lazy Man Toilet Chair
This spectacular device was created by Homer as a way of going to the bathroom while watching TV; because, as he rightly proclaimed, going upstairs is “the hardest thing in the world.” I feel you, Homer- and applaud your ingenuity- even if it is really gross.
7. The Hair Helmet
Flight of the Conchords
While this invention might not be as useful as, say, a teleporter or time-travelling DeLorean, I still think I’d look pretty bad-ass riding around Toronto in one of these puppies.
Especially if worn in conjunction with Brett’s other inventions: the “camera phone”
……….and gloves that look like hands.
8. Everything by Kramerica Industries
Ah Cosmo Kramer. One of the most inventive, yet misunderstood minds of our generation. How could I choose just one invention when we’ve got:
- The Coffee Table Book about Coffee Tables
- the Mansiere (or “the bro”)
- the pizza restaurant where you make your own pie
- cologne that smells like the beach; and last but definitely not least:
- Fusilli Jerry
Men In Black
When you say and do as many awkward things as I do, having a device to easily eradicate others’ memories of your ridiculousness sounds pretttty pretty good. Especially if it comes with a side of Will Smith.
10. The Cornballer
Invented by George Bluth in the mid-1970s, the Cornballer is.. well, a device used to make cornballs.
It was made illegal after it was found to cause serious burns, however George continued to market it in Mexico with the help of Richard Simmons.
3rd degree burns or no 3rd degree burns, cornballs are damn delicious. I could use one of these bad boys in my life.