It’s been about a month since you last heard from me, and in that time a lot has happened. Mostly sitting on my ass watching TV (damn you Big Brother and City Girl Diaries!); but shockingly, also a few things that involved leaving my apartment.
Like attending Lollapalooza – the annual three-day music festival in downtown Chicago, Illinois.
As a 27-year-old music festival virgin, I will admit that I didn’t really know what to expect. Would I have fun? Was I too old for all of this? What if I fell for the Jimmy Kimmel trap and became a viral sensation?
Luckily, I ended up having the time of my life. However, there are a few things I wish I had known before boarding that flight filled with excited 21-year-olds debating the merits of the male tank top. And to spare you all the same fate, I’ve decided to share them with you today.
1. But What Will I Wear!
I’ll just go ahead and save you the trouble of Googling “festival chic” and trolling Urban Outfitters for hours on end, because this, apparently, is the only thing you’re allowed to wear to a music festival:
If you’re a girl that is. If you’re a guy, it’s something a little more like this:
Dont say I didn’t warn you.
2. When Nature Calls…
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but unfortunately, unless you a) bring a catheter or b) are a freak of nature with super-human bladder control, you’re gonna find yourself up close and personal with these bad boys.
That’s right. The dreaded port-a-potty. If you’re a guy, you’ve got it easy. Just plug your nose and try your best to aim in the general direction. If you’re a girl -God help you.
But never fear! It IS possible crawl through the river of shit and come out (relatively) clean on the other side. Here is how you do it:
- Front-load your bathroom trips early on in the day (these puppies grow exponentially grosser with each passing hour)
- Choose a line with mostly guys in it (women move at a glacial pace)
- Once inside, grip the door handle and hold on for dear life (try not to think millions of germs)
- Try not to get it on your own shorts (easier said than done.. this is a serious leg workout, ladies)
- Finish your business
- Immediately head to the nearest hand sanitizing station (You should probably cover your entire forearms, just to be safe.)
3. Hydration, Hydration, Hydration
Pace yourselves, kids, because it’s going to be a long weekend. You don’t want to be the FunDrunkFriend passing out at 4:00pm.. or worse, throwing up in the corner while the evening headliner croons on.
Keep it sensible. Alternate every Bud Light Lime-Rita:
With a box of water.
Don’t forget to eat.
… and whatever you do, remember that wine in a sports bottle is a sneaky bitch:
4. Personal Space? Who Needs It!
If you dislike crowds, noise, and drunk people all up in your grill, then you miiiight want to hang out near the back and watch the shows projected from the jumbotron.
That being said- to the victor come the good seats. Here’s what you do:
1. Make yourself as big as possible. I’m talking starfish, people.
2. Try your best to ignore the verbal abuse being hurled at you from concertgoers in every direction.
3. Find your happy place
(this may or may not involve a sports bottle filled with wine).
5. Don’t Hate, Appreciate
I get it. Its hot. Its crowded. You kinda want to kill that dude with the 100 foot pole coming out of his backpack. But remember, you’re the one who paid $300 for these tickets. You bought all those t-shirts at the merch stand. So let’s try to be cool, ok?
One way to prevent yourself from getting too burned out is to spend some time away from the festival grounds. Because I am a (relatively) old lady, I chose to be selective with my concert schedule and spend the first half of each day exploring the beautiful city of Chicago.
I even managed to get in a bit of
… And if all else fails, you can always take the edge off with a friendly push-up competition
………And don’t forget to pose for copious amounts of photos and convince your friends at home what a great time you’re having!!
Remember kids- if you didn’t Instagram it, it didn’t happen!