What to Do with All That Leftover Yarn (and other helpful holiday tips)

The holiday season is filled with a plethora of emotions: from the excitement and anticipation of Christmas Eve, to the rush of Christmas morning, to the inevitable food coma and the boxing day hangover blues. (Stick close to your Russell Stovers for this one, folks.)

boxing

When all is said and done, you’re left with that long stretch of  idle time between boxing day and New Year’s, where the days  feel 80 hours long and it’s a struggle just to get out of your PJS, let alone think about anything besides those delicious scotch cookies your mom hid in the downstairs fridge (ostensibly, from you).

Don't eat me, Breezyk!

Don’t eat me, Breezyk!

So what’s a girl to do with all of this free time on her hands? I tried filling the empty space where Christmas used to be with  daytime TV; but I could only watch Kathy Lee and Hoda drink so many glasses of pinot grigio before I got too jealous tired of it. Then I tried watching Holiday films, but they just made me angry.  Like, what classifies The Sound of Music as a Christmas film anyway? Cause I’m pretty sure it’s about Nazis.

soundof

And why there is so much conflict in the Polar Express? I tried asking Tom Hanks this directly on twitter, but he never got back to me.

Weird?

Thankfully, I’ve found a new way to occupy my time: by perusing my mother’s seemingly endless  collection of  women’s magazines.

Women’s World, Chatelaine, Best Health, O. Her collection is enough to make Martha Stewart weak at the knees.

I decided to begin with the December 24th edition of First for Women magazine, since it featured my #3 life model, Marie Osmond, on the cover.

marie

I was immediately struck by how this publication seemed to really identify with, and understand the plight of today’s modern woman. It contained so many helpful time-saving tips! Not to mention all of the groundbreaking,  empirically proven, scientific studies and weight loss plans.

And since many of you are modern, self-actualized women yourselves (or at least have one in your life) I knew I had to share to share them with all of you.

So let’s get started, shall we?

First off,  if you’ve been searching for a way to remedy that dusty holiday wreath of yours, then look no further, Cause First for Women has got you covered!

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A paper bag and a salt shaker! Who knew?

If you’re anything like me, then while doing your daily 8 hours of lady-cleaning this Holiday season, you’ve thought to yourself: “Gee, I wish I had a festive use for all these piles of extra yarn I’ve got lying around!”

Well sister, you’re in luck- because I’ve got not one- but THREE festive uses for that yarn for you!

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A picture frame! How delightful.

And it doesn’t stop there. First for Women is FILLED with time-saving tips: from Stain-Proof recipe cards, to 10 brilliant uses for orange peels, to decorative napkin folds, to a selection of “OH WOW! Holiday appetizers”, these tips will save you so much time, you’ll finally be able to get back to all of your other important lady tasks: like pumping out babies, honoring your period,  and talking about your vaginas.  Just think of how much  more time you’ll have for Pinterest!

Not only does First for Women contain countless household time-savers, it also features some fail-proof diet plans.

Looking to shed a quick 5-7lbs to squeeze into that holiday dress of yours? Try the “Grapefruit diet!” So simple it’s foolproof; this involves eating nothing but grapefruits for several days. But won’t I get hungry? You might be asking.

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Not according to Dr. Al Sears! “A grapefruit fast is surprisingly easy to do,” he assures. “Since grapefruit contains a fulfilling combo of carbs and fibre, I’m totally satisfied on 3-4 hours a day!”

There you have it ladies. And if grapefruit’s not your bag, how about the “Christmas Cleanse”? This involves drinking nothing but a combination of unsweetened cranberry juice, water and cloves for 24 hours before the big event. You might pass out after your first cocktail, but the results will be worth it!

There’s also a Q&A section, targeting some of your hardest-hitting women’s health issues. Like “What’s Causing my Itchy nipple?” and  “Do PH-balanced tampons really make a difference?”

There is even a  fashion section, featuring countess Holiday glam looks that can be achieved with items right from your own closet!

Like this timeless fab look, for example. Just start with “your own monochromatic pantsuit” and add some chunky accessories!

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The only problem will be narrowing down which of your monochromatic pantsuits to choose from! I’ve got 8 just in the purple family alone!

Off to get started!

Question of the Day: How have you been combatting post-holiday boredom?

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29 thoughts on “What to Do with All That Leftover Yarn (and other helpful holiday tips)

  1. I went to work both days, while it doesn’t combat your depression, it can help, though not completely cure, the wearing PJs all day issue.

  2. It is nice that some people get to have time off between Christmas and New Year’s. I understand how hard that must be for you. For those of us stiffs that are stuck working at those times, and don’t get boxing day (Mike Tyson gets honored that day?) you can check out all those neglected blogs (like bensbitterblog). If nothing else you can read it in the afternoon and it could provide you with something to fall asleep quickly with!

    • Haha done! I only have this week off because I had to fly halfway across the country and people respect planes. At least in my experience. And obviously boxing day is the holiday that celebrates all those living and or working out of cardboard boxes. Mike Tyson. Pfffft.

      • So if it is to celebrate those working or living in cardboard boxes, how come everyone in Canada gets it off? Do you guys even have anyone living cardboard boxes? I had to fly all the way across the country to Florida, so I guess I should get the week off too?

  3. I’ve been drinking,,,but,,I just ran out,,,,and have no money, so I will be starting AA and living on water and soup diet for a early New Years weight losing resolution not because I want to of course,,,it’s just cause I don’t have money for a bus pass so I shall walk and food meh who needs it,,,,I should look fab by early spring tho!

  4. Breezy, you are truly hilarious. Unfortunately, I have no witty repost as I am not a woman and haven’t the slightest experience with anything in this article. For that, I am sorry.

  5. Oh man, my Oma in Vienna has the same collection of magazines, except in German. And I always find myself with hours of time pre- and post-Schnitzel dinner (I’m not kidding), and I’ve learned countless herbal remedies for anything that could ail me, that old people worry particularly about their feet, how to make apple strudel 18 different ways, and that no demographic is more obsessed with the monarchies (British, Swedish, Danish, Dutch, Jordanian, yup keep counting) than the readership of these mags. I leave obsessed too, only to forget about them one week into being back in NA. Then I catch up on all the gossip when I go back. Thrilling! ;) No apple strudel in my home yet though.

  6. I’ve been cleaning out my old apartment. It smells like bleach everywhere. I think I’m doing something wrong. My eyes also hurt.

    I wouldn’t buy much into that grapefruit fast. I tried an apple fast and all I got was a lot of skin stuck in my teeth. Fasting is for losers.

  7. Eat…there’s nothing like starting the New Year feeling like a fat and guilty slob. I can carry that right through to Spring, becoming just “depressed” enough to justify cocooning on the couch for the duration of the winter months!

  8. Pingback: The 5 Most Annoying Celebrities of 2012 « The Camel Life

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