Crafting: Not for the Faint of Heart

So this weekend I confirmed a suspicion I have had for a very long time: I really, really suck at crafting.

To all of you ladies of Pinterest  out there making holiday wreaths out of used q-tips, the classified section of the newspaper and the blood of a male unicorn; I salute you.  Because I am straight-up hopeless with a glue gun.

Let’s back up a little bit, shall we? Remember this summer when I blogged about my experience at Adult Summer Camp? Well, this weekend  I attended another event put on by that crazy group of PeterPan children: a pubcrawl… for charity.

I know. I thought this type of thing only existed in my dreams, too. But guys, it REALLY HAPPENED.

There were about 75 of us total, and we were supporting Santa Comes to Bay Street, a charitable organization that sponsors needy families during the holidays. The plan was to pub-crawl to various bars around Toronto, and on the way stop at Toys R’ Us to purchase gifts for the children we had been given to sponsor.

I was matched with an 8-year-old girl named Vivian.  How amazing is that name  for an 8 year old  by the way? I wanted to buy her a fur, some pearls and a bottle of Chanel No. 5 because that’s what a bad-ass b*tch with a name like Vivian deserves.. but she said she wanted art supplies, so pencil crayons it was.

Anyway, back to the crafting part. We were encouraged  to dress in festive costumes for the event, and were told that ugly Christmas sweaters would NOT do.

I had a group of about 6 friends going, and my friend Lia suggested that we all go as Christmas Trees. She had made this costume before and assured us that it would be really cute. (And, more importantly, would make for fantastic Facebook photos.)

Since it was pretty labour intensive, I was volun-told I would be assisting with the preparation.

I tried to warn her that arts and crafts were not my forte. Growing up, my mom banned almost all craft projects from our home due to their inherent messiness.  For our creative endeavours, we were limited to the use of construction paper, crayons and safety scissors. Glitter was strictly prohibited. White glue was permitted only on special occasions; and under strict supervision.

Because of this, I became very insecure about my crafting abilities, and developed a strong aversion to arts and crafts in general. Plus, I’ll be honest, part of me always thought that once you start crafting, it’s only a matter of time before you turn into this:

But these tree costumes weren’t going to make themselves. so I had to suck it up.

So we set off on a Toronto-wide blitz of craft and fabric stores in search of supplies. Prior to this, I hadn’t been inside a fabric store since grade 7 Home Economics class, when I ambitiously chose to make a series of pillows spelling out “BREE” from a hideous blue and white floral fabric. Obviously this was a disaster and my letters were completely illegible, but I displayed them proudly in my room anyway. Once, I showed them to a confused friend, who asked: “Why do you have pillows that spell NERF? do you really like Nerf guns or something?”.

After that, I switched to shop class.

So basically, I had no idea what to do in places like Michaels and Fabricland. So many decorations! So much glitter! My mom would have an aneurism. Luckily, however, I was dealing with a crafting pro.  At one point I asked her how we would get the decorative stars to stay onto our tree-topper headbands, and she looked at me, with dead seriousness, and said “You’d be surprised at all the things you can hot glue onto yourself.”

Indeed, I would be.

Soon we got to work cutting, trimming, and ironing while eating frozen pizza and listening to the Justin Bieber Christmas album. I know what you’re thinking. Best.Friday Night. EVER. But I’m sorry to tell you it was not. My lack of crafting ability quickly became a bone of contention, and we proceeded to spend the next 6 hours fighting and making passive aggressive comments at each other. It’s not my fault they don’t make proper left-handed scissors, Lia. And like, sorry I never learned how to decoupage; I was kind of busy getting a law degree.  Sheesh.

Plus she kept “accidentally” burning my fingers with the hot glue gun. Likely story.

I didn’t take many pictures of the whole experience because, quite honestly I planned on repressing it.. but here’s an artistic rendering of what I looked like the entire time:

Despite the fact that it literally almost ruined our friendship, in the end I think we came up with some pretty sweet costumes:

Will I have a future in crafting? Probably not. But hey, at least I can say I gave it a shot. And I’ve still got the hot-glue gun scars to prove it.

Question of the Day: Are you good at crafts?

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20 thoughts on “Crafting: Not for the Faint of Heart

  1. Lol. Glue guns are not for everyone…I have an old post called “Pinterest for Men” which sums up my crafting knowledge. Look for it in my archives if you want to be awestruck by my crafting abilities. Great post!!

    • See, yah that totally eclipses anything I could ever do. I will now amend my second sentence to say the ladies AND Men pinteresting old q-tip wreaths. Have you done that too? Because then I would be REALLY impressed.

    • Haha no my skirt was perfect!! How dare you say otherwise!! Jk it started falling apart about as soon as i put it on, but the charm in Christmas trees is that they’re not supposed to be perfect, right?
      I agree- screw crafting.. But at least you can cook! I’m failing on all counts of domesticity I’m afraid…

  2. Maybe you could get your cat to be the crafty one in the family. I mean it can make gingerbread cookies,use a hot glue gun and it can even craft with its own hair. Do a craft and it will last the night, but teach a kitty to craft and she will do it for a lifetime, right? By the way, I enjoyed your new word volun-told. I am a big advocate of combowords.

    • Alas.. I’m terribly allergic to cats and so must live out my cat-owning fantasies through hilarious gifs and June Cleaver-esque cat pics. I’m working on whether or not you can still turn into an old cat lady this way. And thanks. the word is much more fun than the experience.

  3. i am LMAO crafting is much me like me making dinner…i attempt it and sometimes it rocks and other times…not so much. craftiness always involves a bottle of wine and very little expectation…i amazed myself when i was able to pull together a black widow costume but when i tried some canvas art the other day–total disaster. crafting is not for the fain at heart. i’m creative but not necessarily crafty! thanks for making me laugh.

    • haha at least you attempt making dinner! I do not. I wanted to drink wine during my endeavours but was told that it would make my hands unsteady. Oh god. hahah

  4. Huge crafter – you name it, I’ve tried it! It’s my outlet…I currently teach papercrafts as part of my small business…I am always wearing glitter, ink, scraps, thread or ribbon…and not always in the most appropriate places. Hubby is fine with it…as long as he doesn’t find glitter in any of his inappropriate places!

  5. You are by far the best Christmas tree I’ve ever seen. Screw pine! Its all about Bree trees this holiday season hahah

    I’m okay with normal crafts like making paper rockets and birthday coupons. Does drawing stick figures on Paint count too? If it does, add that to the mix. But the moment the craft project becomes a task that will require me to go to Fabricland, I realize how creatively inept I am and feel the need to shoot myself with a hot glue gun.
    By the way, I thought Fabricland closed down years ago :/

    Anyway, I also wanted to say I too have a kid I have to buy a Christmas gift for!!!! And I’m so excited and anxious about it lol.

    • You are so lovely and supportive. Can I adopt you?
      Paper rockets?? Like paper airplanes? Why didn’t I get one of these for my birthday too. And pssh don’t even talk girl you can draw like a mad woman. That illustration of me you drew on my bday card was so good I’m thinking about using it for my driver’s license photo.
      How old is your Christmas kid??

  6. Hi there. Great post. I totally suck at crafts. I made a dress for a barbie once and a school pal said don’t go into fashion….:-). Your outfits turned out cute!

    • hey! Thanks for commenting :) Screw the haters, you keep on making barbie clothes if you want to! Though that seems to require an attention to detail I could never possess..

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