Uptown Problems

So as I mentioned in this post, I’ve recently started taking a writing class, and our assignment this week was to write a humorous piece about something in the news.

A la J-Stew

Guys, this was HARD. Mostly because I’m a shame to my generation and never pay attention to the news (unless you count the People.com Twitter feed.) In the end, I decided to do a sort of satirical news piece lampooning The 1%, and thought I would share it with you guys. Mostly because I’m too lazy to write anything else. And I included links and pictures this time Enjoy!!

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Welcome to Uptown Problems, the premiere news source highlighting the everyday struggles of the Bourgeoisie. At Uptown Problems, we bring you the top stories facing the 1% from around the globe, all in one place. Because let’s face it- your life is hard enough already.

In today’s news, the bitter court battle continues between Paul and Judy Bronfman of Canada’s wealthy Bronfman dynasty and their insurers over a $2 million claim for valuables stolen from their Forrest Hill home. The insurers refuse to satisfy the claim (which includes a 6 carat diamond, two Stanley Cup Rings and a number of family heirlooms) stating that the value of the stolen goods exceeds the coverage limits on their luxury items policy. “That’s just ridiculous,” testified Mrs. Bronfman. “Our platinum toilet wasn’t a luxury; it was a necessity. Paul has a very sensitive bottom. His buttocks can only handle the best.”

Mrs. Bronfman went on to state that the sentimental value of the items far outweighed any economic loss: “I used that 18k gold platter to serve tea to Jay-Z and Beyonce” Mrs. Bronfman testified. “Now all I have left are the memories. And that diamond encrusted bassinette was for Blue Ivy. What will she sleep in now?” She pleaded.

The jury remains out on whether the insurer will be on the hook for the claim, but in the meantime, it seems there is some silver lining to this tragedy: “I’m just lucky they didn’t take my grill” testified Mrs. Bronfman, flashing her silver and gold-plated teeth to the court. “Lil’ Wayne gave this one to me,” she said, pointing to her left incisor, “from his own mouth! It’s priceless.”

In other news, the New York Times ran a hard-hitting article this week highlighting the increasingly marginalized Blackberry user population.

According to the article, those who still use the BlackBerry are embarrassed by their devices, and have become incredibly frustrated with the inferior capabilities their smartphones possess compared to iPhone users. “I see all these cool instagram pictures on Facebook and I can‘t even participate,” said 26 year-old investment banker Marcus Waldorf. “When I take pictures of my brunch with my BlackBerry, it just looks like regular old eggs and bacon. Not artsy, unattainable, OMG YOU WISH YOU HAD THIS eggs and bacon. I don’t want regular brunch. I want brunch washed in a 1970’s filter!”

“The Blackberry GPS feature is also unreliable,” added 25-year-old Sarah Crawford. “The other night when I tried to check into (Toronto hotspot) Lee, it mistakenly posted my location at the Jack Astor’s down the street. I was mortified,” she recounted.

To combat this growing social issue, support groups have been popping up all over the country to help BlackBerry users deal with their feelings of frustration, shame and anxiety. These groups, which include users of other dated electronic and social media devices, including MSN, AOL and the VCR, focus on celebrating the lingering merits of dead technology, while at the same time restoring a sense of dignity to its users. Donations to the program can be made at www.stopblackberryshame.org.

Presidential Candidate and Uptown Problems regular Mitt Romney was also in the news this week following Tuesday’s US Presidential Debate, where he made the now infamous remark about the “binders full of women” presented to him when trying to fill cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts. The comment instantly went viral; setting the internet ablaze with memes and parodies. We reached out to Mitt to get his thoughts on the the internet firestorm it created:

“People make jokes about it,” said Romney, “But they don’t understand how difficult it was for me. Do you know how many paper cuts I got flipping through all those pages? I ran out of band-aids and had to use Tagg’s special Spider Man ones. I looked ridiculous at the RNC. Thank Joseph Smith Clint was there to steal the spotlight.”

“And just trying to deal with all those rings,” Mitt continued. “They never closed properly. I had to buy 3M just to get a better model.” When asked about the women in the binders themselves, Romney responded “Meh, most of them were 6′s. 7′s at best. I thought when I told my staff “qualified” they understood that meant 9.5 or higher. Not Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich’s illegitimate female love child.”

No word yet on whether Mitt’s paper cuts have fully healed.

And finally, in a recent Globe and Mail article, Toronto women claim to be suffering from a new form of exhaustion: that brought on by endless hours of pampering. “It’s a nightmare,” Said 25-year-old Christina Chen. “I just got a mani/pedi and my eyebrows done yesterday, only to realize my roots now need retouching. I’m spending so much time on maintenance that I have no time left for shopping or clearing out my Netflix queue.”

Stressful.

To make matters worse, in order to obtain optimal service, many women are trekking all over the city to various appointments: “It’s a logistical nightmare,” said 29 year old Jessica McClintock. “Just last week I got the heel of my Louboutin caught in a sidewalk grate en route to my eyebrow appointment in Rosedale, then had to treck all the way back downtown to my cobbler before my 4:00 p.m. at King and Bathurst. The whole thing was simply traumatizing. Almost as bad as that time they put too much goat cheese in my salad at Canoe. It totally messed up the whole flavour profile.”

If there’s one thing we here at Uptown problems can relate to, it’s the stress of outsourcing. To the women trawling the streets of Toronto in 5 inch heels in the name of beauty, we salute you.

That’s it for this week’s edition of Uptown Problems. Join us next week when we grapple with such important issues as “Hermés bracelets: how many is too many?” and “Is that $20,000 piece of Charles and Diana’s wedding cake I bought still edible? “ Until next time!

Question of the Day: What’s the worst Uptown Problem you’ve heard lately?

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