Culture / Humour / Life

Check Me Into the Betty Crocker Clinic

In one of my favourite scenes from Sex and the City, Miranda, unable to stop herself from eating a homemade chocolate cake, finally decides to throw the whole thing in the trash. But a moment later, her willpower fails her and she’s back in the kitchen picking discarded cake bits out of the garbage.

Realizing what she has done, Miranda calls Carrie and leaves her the following message:

“I know you’re probably busy having mind-blowing sex, but I feel you need to know that your good friend, Miranda Hobbes, has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You’ll probably need this information when you check me into the “Betty Crocker Clinic.”

But in the epic battle of Woman vs. Cake, it was Miranda who emerged the victor when she ultimately picked up a bottle of dish soap and dumped it all over the cake remains, rendering them unfit for human consumption.

Most of us ladies have had a “Miranda moment” at one point or another. Unable to control ourselves with “bad” foods, we do ridiculous things to sabotage ourselves, or the food, in order to put an end to the madness.

“Get these chips away from me!”

One of these such moments happened to me yesterday.

While I hasten to use the word “diet”, I guess that’s really the only term you would use to describe the satanic ritual I’ve been putting myself through lately. In an effort to look svelte and Facebook photo-ready for a few upcoming events, I’ve been watching what I eat and trying to cut out junk. You know, “carbs are the enemy” and all that noise. Anyway, yesterday, unable to face the prospect of one more apple, I took to the grocery store in search of healthy snack options. I perused the extensive collection of rice cakes and “100 calorie packs” before ultimately choosing an overpriced container of designer trail mix known as “Berry Blast”.  For $9.99, there better be a God Damn blast.  Maybe also some flecks of solid gold.

Guys, I kid you not, when I got back to my office and opened that thing I’m pretty sure rays of light and miniature angels flew out. This stuff was seriously addictive. Like a healthy crack.

But the problem with “healthy”snacks is that they, too,become unhealthy when you eat, say, 15 servings of them. When I realized this stuff was disappearing faster than everybody else in the theatre with Fred Willard,  I shoved the container into my office drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

Putting it within arm’s reach was my first mistake. Within 30 seconds I was again shovelling fistfuls of pecans and dried cranberries into my face. Next, I tried throwing it on top of the bookshelf across the room, confident there was no way I could reach it without a chair or other boosting device. And that would just be embarrassing, right?

You overestimate my pride. Within 5 minutes I was climbing up on my chair and using a file folder as a reaching device to bring the trail mix within my grasp.

After a couple more handfuls (and my self-esteem at an all-time low) I decided that the Berry Blast and I needed a third-party intervention. So I picked up the now half-empty container and marched it down the hall to the office of a trusted colleague.

“I need you to do me a favour.” I said.

“Ok… what is it?” she replied, tepidly.

“I need you to  hold this trail mix in trust for me until I regain enough self-control to have it in my presence.”

Stifling laughter, she pryed it from my cold dead hands  took the container from me.  “Should we develop a safeword?” She asked, “So that I’ll know you’re serious when you come back?”

This seemed prudent.

We settled on “Idaho”. (“Boston”, “California” and “Nova Scotia” were also thrown out there, but all of those places made me hungry.) Then we drafted up a quick custodian agreement setting out the terms of the arrangement. (Just kidding. we’re not that bad).

Thinking that my trail mix troubles were behind me, I went back to work, free from the intrusive thoughts of macadamia nuts and pumpkin seeds.

But later that night, as I lie awake in bed, thoughts of my beloved Berry Blast returned to me. Images of cashews and blueberries danced in my head.

Like this. Only trail mix.

With sleep a distant possibility, I spent my waking hours mentally crafting each and every perfect handful.

The next morning, I marched into my colleague’s office and waved the proverbial white flag. “Idaho” I said,  resolutely.

“What’s that??” She asked, jokingly.

“Idaho. IdahoIdahoIda- oh just give me the god damn thing already”.

Should’ve gone with the soap.

Question of the Day: Have you ever had a Miranda moment?

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12 thoughts on “Check Me Into the Betty Crocker Clinic

  1. Ha this is me with any type of food. The worst thing is the healthier I ate the more I will binge on foods that I believe are healthy but really aren’t. I cannot buy these 100 calorie packs because the whole box will disappear. Not only do I look at the serving size, I look at the amount of servings. I multiply and figure out just how many calories I will be consuming.

    I’ve never gone into the trash after food. I can at least claim to that. I find having as little food in my home keeps me in check. Or I put things in my car. If I’m dumb enough to have little self control I’m also dumb enough to go outside to quench my nutritional wants.

    • haha I laughed at the image of you walking out to your car with a box of 100 calorie pack oreo crisps… if I had a car I would totally do that too.

  2. Silly Breezy.

    People in my office keep having birthdays, and stuff. They buy cakes, and then send an email around about it.

    Today, some bloke had his last day, and he got loads of cakes. In fact, there are still caramel squares, rice krispie chocolate caramel squares, short cake, and bags of doughnuts round there.

    People who leave are gay, and so is anyone who has a birthday.

    • Agreed! There are a group of assistants on my floor who take turns bringing in treats every day. Even though walking past their pod is the quickest way to the kitchen, I walk all the way around the long way just to avoid the temptation. But now I want caramel squares in a bad way. Is your goal in life just to make me hungry Michael??

  3. #1 obsession that I can’t stop eating once I start: dark chocolate covered ginger from Trader Joes. It’s healthy, right? All those antioxidants from the chocolate and good digestion from the ginger…? :/

    • yum! I’m bad with dark chocolate too I also have a bar of that in my desk I struggle with on a daily basis. I never believe the people who say that with dark chocolate you don’t have to eat as much…they must have stronger willpower than I do!

  4. hahaha this is why I love your freaking blog!!! Miranda moment you ask? Well funny thing I am having one right now as I write this, yup sad story. Yesterday I went to Target (apparently Canada will getting target store sometime next year, I googled this) and they have a $1 section, I grabbed a small bag of milkyway chocolates, the mini size the bag has 10, when I bought the bag I told myself I would pace myself and not eat it all at once. I managed to not do that yesterday only because I also bought a box of cheez it (please tell me they exist in Canada!) that’s another miranda moment, I can eat an entire box of cheez it in under 10 mins (its horrible) any who back to the milkyway, I pretty much just ate what was left in the bag (~6). I wish I had miranda moments, with celery sticks or baby carrots, not chocolates.

  5. Pingback: Attack of the three-day-old pizza | Time for a change

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