The F*cket List

We’re all familiar with the concept of a “Bucket List”, right?  Initially popularized by the 2007 film of the same name, a Bucket List is essentially a list of things a person wants to do before he or she kicks the proverbial bucket.

Sounds kind of depressing, doesn’t it?  Well for some reason, people have gone absolutely crazy over this concept. Books have been written about it. Countless websites are devoted to it.  Even King Midas Oprah has one.

I noticed recently that Bucket Lists have become all the rage in the blogosphere as well.  Many bloggers have a separate tab for their Bucket Lists, where they keeping a running tally of all the items they’ve completed and blog about each experience. It started to feel like every second blog I read featured someone running a marathon,  or swimming with dolphins, or climbing mount Everest,  or becoming a Monorail conductor, or eating the world’s biggest hoagie, or living in the woods while keeping a journal of their thoughts, or bowling a perfect game.

……….Ok, so at least half of those were actually Homer Simpson’s lifelong dreams. But you get the picture.

Anyway, after reading about all of these great adventures, I started feeling a little envious. Why wasn’t that me standing beside the Grand Canyon with a big, shit-eating grin on my face? Why didn’t I have any pictures of myself hiking the Inca Trail, rendered impossibly skinny from a recent bout of altitude sickness? I wanted that altitude sickness god, dammit!!

I knew what I had to do. I had to cool it on the Real Housewives, and instead devote all of my free time  to creating the ultimate Bucket List. With a little luck, soon I too would be celebrating arbitrary goals and posting self-indulgent photos on Facebook!

This was going to be great. I’d compose the best Bucket List EVER, post it on my blog, and get all kinds of self-worth positive feedback and reinforcement.

Only, when I actually sat down to write it, I realized the majority of the things I wanted to do were either:

(a) too expensive ;

(b) impossible (although, in an ideal world, I would get to meet Astronaut Jones and  take a rocket to the moon with him) ; or

(c) embarassing (you WISH I would go there).

It’s sort of disheartening to realize that the majority of things you want to do in life are out of your current reach.  Plus, I found the whole exercise to be a little depressing. Thinking about things you want to do before you die sort of makes you think about… well, dying. And that’s a bit of a buzzkill, isn’t it?

I realized then that I didn’t actually want a Bucket List. The last thing I (or any of us) need is another t0-do list.  Just thinking about all the sh*t I have to do on a daily basis overwhelms me.   Why would I want to itemize the things I actually DO want and risk turning them into just one more chore I have to feel bad about not completing?

Do you wanna know what I think? I think instead of a Bucket List, what we all really need, is a F*cket List.

That’s right. Instead of trying to do MORE sh*t, I think we really all need to just do LESS sh*t. Starting with giving a f*ck. All those things that people say we should do, or shouldn’t do, or should like, or shouldn’t like? Yeah, eff that noise.

Instead of stressing out and feeling bad about ourselves, why not just make a list of  all the things that society tries to force upon us that piss us off, and vow to simply not give a f*ck about them?

I’ll start. I hereby vow to give zero f*cks about the following items from this day forward:

  • Drinking 8 glasses of water a day.

  • Spanx. Aww hellls nah.
  • Cleanses.
  • Moderation.
  • Getting 8 hours of sleep.
  • Haters. They gon’ hate.
  • The phrase “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.  Cause saying mean sh*t is fun.
  • Flossing.
  • Saving Money.
  • Karma.  She can be a real b*tch sometimes.
  • Last Call.
  • Electronic Music.

Phew. I feel better already!! So, who’s with me?? 

Question of the Day: What would YOU put on your F*cket List?

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38 thoughts on “The F*cket List

  1. Top useage of ‘shit eating grin’ there, Breezers. It’s an epic phrase.

    I would put people who dodge rounds in the pub on the Fucket List.

    Although I very much like electronic music, you cheeky swine.

  2. I’d add blogging EVERY day. Some people just make up sh!t so they have a blog entry to brag about. Keep it fun people–it’s not a job! Well, for some it might be a job, but I certainly don’t make squat off my blog! And you out there–making sure you blog every bleeping day–you don’t either! You know who you are!

  3. I love this! Glad to find another Real Housewives fan. That show is a time sucker. I am always complaining I don’t have time for anything yet I have seen every episode ever. It is brain candy.
    On my F””k It list would be probably be forcing myself to be social when I don’t feel like it. So what if I like to put my jammies on on a Saturday night and have a Parks and Recreation Marathon, and I prefer to travel on my own, and I like to eat in restaurants by myself and shop by myself. I enjoy my own company, that doesn’t make me a loser. I have a job which forces me to be face to face with thousands of people every day all smily and cheery. When I’m not at work, f**k it, I don’t always want to be with other people.

    • Did you watch the Vancouver season?? It was UNREAL. Even more drama than New Jersey. And I thought nothing could be better than Theresa flipping over a table….

      • OMG,,,I thought you guys were talking about Desperate Housewives. I also love those shows too,,I thought the Vancouver one was “ok”,,but I much more like the East Coast ones better,,those chicks in NY and NewJersey,,can sure kick some ass!

      • I am just about to watch the finale of the Vancouver….”She said we weren’t Jewish!!?!?”…I heart it. Real Housewives fans represent!. Let’s add being ashamed of admitting I am a Real Housewife fan to the F**K It list.

  4. I know how you feel, sometimes scrolling through blogs or peoples Facebook status updates makes me feel like a total loser… why am I not hanging out on the beach in Brazil? Or completing my first 50k and WINNING it? Who the hell are these people? Apparently some are my friends… I need more underachieving friends.

    But really, people only put their best foot forward online, nobody talks about how they tripped up the stairs in front of coworkers or have really bad hemorrhoids. Sheesh.

    I add the following to the list:

    Veganism
    ‘Green’ homecare products (no, I don’t want to wash my hair with f*cking vinegar and baking soda)
    Rainy day funds
    Self tanner

    • I agree! It’s so easy to make your life look glamorous/amazing on facebook just by posting a few selective photos… I think it kind of messes with us because it’s not a true picture of reality.
      If it makes you feel any better, I definitely talk about the embarassing sh*t I do ALL THE TIME.
      I don’t want to wash my hair with vinegar and baking soda either. That just sounds dangerous.

  5. I’d add people that say “If I was you I’d do this”. Eff you,,I’m NOT you so, back off!
    People that watch reruns every night at the same time (totally my ex).
    And,,,Bell and Rogers,,customer service.

    Awesome post!

    • haha reruns at the same time every night. My mom and dad watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy religiously every night.. but I kinda think that’s endearing. Agreed on the people saying “if I was you”. I also HATE when people tell me to “relax”. Especially if I’m not even riled up…I am now!

  6. This is a great idea! BTW, I was laughing hard the entire time I read this. I would go on and one about how great this post is, but that feels like work, so I added it to my Fucket List. Thanks for the idea.

    • thanks!! For sure work gets added to the f*cket list. Any kind of work at all. Including getting up from the couch to get more chocolate. I need to invent some sort of chocolate couch delivery system. Or maybe just will it to appear with my mind. Ok I’ve clearly been workling too long today.

  7. What strikes me about all the bucket lists and massive projects that people do is that, in day to day life, when you’re talking to people or out with friends, NONE of them seem to be doing anything except planning to watch a movie or go to the bar. In my circle, I’m the one with all the weird “I’m doing X project I hope to have done by the end of the year.” I recently started hanging out with a guy that does similar things. But it’s not about any bucket list. It’s more like: “Hmmm. That sounds neat. Let’s do that for a while.” And I’ve got tons of professional and personal projects going but mainly, I’m just sitting around in my spanx (you don’t know, I could be) watching reruns of Celebrity Rehab while eating pizza. Which makes me call BS on most people’s bucket lists. If everyone was that into it, I’d run into lots more people doing interesting things.

    As for that proverbial other list: number one would have to be offending people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go protest in front of an abortion clinic. Not because I’m anti-abortion or anything. I’m going to yell, “Awww yeah. Look who”s a slut that likes to bang all the time and not use protection! Why ain’t you giving daddy any of that! I’m protesting!” Then when they say something back, I’ll commence with my number 1 on the f*cket list of not caring about offending anyone……which I will then cross off my bucket list.

    • What a renegade! I dig it.
      Also, I agree on the whole calling BS on people’s bucket lists thing. I think facebook/blogs make it easy to look like you’re doing all kinds of cool stuff all the time just by compiling an album of the 5 cool things you did all year.
      What’s your current project?

      • I’m currently working on a novel, an album, and a arrangement project for a friend. The novel is the only thing I have total control over…..which of course means I’ll be slacking and all for tons of that supposed work.

  8. I heard a Seth Rogen interview where he said he wanted to make a movie of the same title. It was what led to 50/50. The Fucket List would be more them doing things like killing hookers before they died. I love this idea. Too bad he smoked pot and stopped caring about pursuing.

    I drink a ton of water. You should too. My skin is perfect 3 months out of the year. The other 9 I’m working on looking less scaly.

    • 50/50 was a great movie. I wish they would make a Fucket list one, too.

      I actually do drink a ton of water… but somehow the prescribed number of glasses keeps increasing, and my four-year-old bladder just can’t keep up. I’m glad at least one of us has part-time perfect skin though.

  9. LOVE it! Now, I have a LIFE LIST, which is pretty much the same as a Bucket List, but with a positive spin. BUT. I need a F*cket List too. I’m gonna get right on that!
    Some of the things that MUST make my list are:
    -
    Yeah, not gonna do that any more. You pretty much covered ‘em. Cheers! *shoots tequila*

  10. Hahaha, I love this so much. And I have to say, there have been so many times where I say, “This is the week where I’m not going to say ANYTHING negative or mean spirited.” Too damn hard. Saying mean things is … fun. :)

  11. Hey Ms. Breezy, I am with you, not much fan of others to-do lists either. My bucket list is in my head and probably changes every week.

    Sorry I lost touch…my list of people I follow some how as edited an about 5 or so dropped off.

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