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Observations of a Non-Sports Fan at a Major League Sporting Event

I’m not really what you would call a huge sports fan. Though I played soccer and basketball in high school, in recent years, my interests have diverged more towards other, less physically demanding hobbies- like watching animal-themed YouTube videos… and writing about my feelings.

My older sister Marija, on the other hand- is a sports fanatic. Whenever she comes to visit me in Toronto, she  always insists on going to a sports game (that, and a musical. She’s an enigma, I guess). Even though it’s not really my thing, I always oblige, because, well, I’m the best sister ever basically.  So this past weekend, when she was in town, I took her to see a Toronto Raptors game.

I didn't take a picture, but It kind of looked like this... only, with about 1% of the people.

The Raptors were playing the Charlotte Bobcats, who suck almost as much as they do…. and that combined with the fact that I know basically nothing about basketball anymore (that doesn’t start with “Jeremy” and end with “Lin“),  well, you can imagine what a riveting experience this was for me.

So, instead of paying attention to the actual game, I occupied myself by thinking about past sporting events I’ve attended. Besides the Raptors, I’ve been to a Maple Leafs Game, a Blue Jays game, and travelled to Buffalo to see the Bills play. Through all of this, I’ve developed a number of  insightful and ground-breaking observations about major league sporting events, which I’m going to share with you all today. (You’re welcome.)

  1. Athletes on TV are WAY HUGER than they appear.Seriously. These guys are freaking ginormous.. to the point where I don’t even think they’re real humans.  They’re like 150% better versions of humans. “Humans 2.0″ you might say. Watch for it in 2013.

    Exhibit A: Of course a relationship is destined to fail when one participant isn't even a real HUMAN.

  2. People will do anything for free shit. There’s  just something about free shit that reduces us all to our lowest common denominator. Age, gender, occupation, how much money you make- none of it  matters. Dangle something free in front of us, and we all dance like the monkeys we are. It doesn’t even have to be anything good. People go ape-shit for an ugly ass t-shirt or a free slice of Pizza Pizza the same way they will for a laptop.
  3. Beer makes everything way more fun.  There is an undeniable correlation between the number of beers consumed, and the amount of fun had as a sporting event… as seen here on this highly detailed and legitimate graph:

    (it's really hard to write sideways)

  4. Open Air stadiums can get really effing cold.
    Trust me.

    ……… and, on a related note:

  5. A Garbage bag, no matter how durable, will never adequately protect you from the elements.  Take my advice –> invest in some northface.

    It's also highly likely that your friend will pass out next to you due to day drinking. It's all part of the process.

  6. You will find the most interesting people you’ll ever meet at a tailgate. Don’t let those pajama pants/dated leather bomber jacket fool you- these people are true salt of the earth. Not only are they fun to hang out with; they can also teach you a lot of cool things…like how to wear your moustache in interesting ways… or how to build a fire in an old-trash can.

    Exhibit B: Tailgaters who rule. I am forever indebted to you for helping me to walk in a semi-straight line after 6 beers before 11am.

  7. It’s all about the pageantry.  For a non-sports fan like myself, it doesn’t really matter if you’re talking penalties or three pointers- my disinterest remains pretty much at a constant. What does make a difference, however, is the pageantry. Just give me some dancing kids, some jokers dressed up in animal costumes and a rigged shooting contest, and  I’m eternally yours.  

    Exhibit C: NAUGHTY BY NATURE performing at the Raptors half-time show. Suffice to say, I am now down with both OPP, and the Raps. Win.

  8. Wach yo mouth.  Dude. Sports fans are agressive. I’ve literally seen fights break out at every game I’ve been to- typically instigated by some clown in a visiting team’s jersey talking smack about the homegrown heroe’s RBI (<— don’t actually know what that acronym means). These situations are known to escalate quickly, and can lead to prolonged chirping, insults about one’s mother, and spilled beverages.  Best to just mind yo’ business.
  9. If you buy the t-shirt, prepare to back that sh*t up. Girls are particularly bad for this- buying a tshirt in an effort to look “cute” and “sporty”, with no actual knowledge of the person whose name is emblazoned on the back. To give you a real life example, I bought a “Rios” t-shirt at a Jays game a while back, and wore it around for a good year afterwards, oblivious to the fact that his ass was traded shortly after the game. When someone chirped me that I needed to get a new t-shirt, I responded, in a shocked tone: “why?? is there a hole in it ??” 

    Exhibit D: Baseball Fail.

  10. Appearances on the jumbotron are best reserved for cute kids and ridiculous dancing…NOT marriage proposals. And if you don’t believe me, check out this vid: 

Question of the Day: Are you a sports fan? Any observations I’ve missed?

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16 thoughts on “Observations of a Non-Sports Fan at a Major League Sporting Event

  1. No, that pretty much sums it up.

    I go to watch the games, but some people do consume too much alcohol and make the experience unpleasant for others.

  2. A fun post Breezy! Good Stuff! For not being a sports fan you sure know your schtick! You have been to more events than I have and I am a would-bee sports fan. I can’t think of any observations you’ve missed. Tailgating is fun and you get to meet some very interesting people and it can get cold….the grease in my chili coagulated on the side of the bowl on time! Maybe one observation you missed is how overly expensive concessions are. Can you imagine spilling that $8.00 draft beer on the way back to your seat? Errrrrr!

  3. That proposal made me feel almost as uncomfortable as the Ellen proposal; but, at least the Ellen one was fake! That poor man’s wounded pride.

  4. I’ve been to a few sports games in Chicago, myself, and I do enjoy myself when I’m at these games, especially when I wear my Chicago Cubs jersey! Of course, sports may not be your cup of tea, but, what are your other interests?

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