Family / Humour / Life

Dear Diary: Old School Edition

As my friends Young American Wisdom, Our Life in 3D, H.E. Ellis (and I’m sure many more) can attest- the mind of a child is a fascinating, complex- and most of all, hilarious thing. Often, when hanging out with my 7 year old niece, Lola, I find myself wondering what’s going on inside that little miniature brain of hers.

Actually, I know what she’s thinking about:  those babies she’s always carting around.  It must be stressful having like, 10 kids. I think she sings herself to sleep every night with What would you do” by City High…  I would.

For you this is just a good time, but for me this is what I call life....

Well, if you, like me- have wondered the same thing about those smaller-than-average-humans in your life- then do I have a treat for you today!

Back in the summer, when cleaning out my childhood bedroom , I came across this little gem:

 

What is behind that glorious Lisa Frank cat encrusted cover? You might ask.  That, my friends- is my childhood diary.  Given to me for my 7th birthday, it has preserved all of my little childhood secrets for almost 20 years…….. it’s sort of like the Dead Sea Scrolls. Only with worse spelling… and of no cultural, historic or religious significance.

Anyway, after I rescued this gem from the brink of obscurity last year, I sort of forgot about it… that is until last night, when, during a wine infused house-cleaning blitz (always a good idea) I stumbled across it again, and spent a good half hour reading it and laughing hysterically to myself.

So I thought I would share a few excerpts with you guys. Keep in mind, my objectivity may have been (definitely was) compromised, so you might not find it as funny as I did… but I’m still going to post it because I guarantee it’s much better than anything I could ever write now.

But before I get into the good stuff- a few disclaimers:

  • I was a highly unusual child.  (You’ll see)
  • For some reason, in the entries below, I felt the need to be incredibly profound, and at times, poetic. Just go with it.
  • Most of my friends were imaginary. I cannot guarantee that any of the names you will see below refer to actual, real live children.

Now that that’s out of the way- here goes (I have preserved original spelling/grammar for your viewing pleasure. You’re Welcome. )

November 16, 1992:

Today my mom got me my first diary. I can’t wait to write more stories. I am shure  I will have an exciting year. today we started practicing for our christmas concert. Mrs. Renouf said that she was proud of us for learning that song so quickly. We were in the lead because we have the most stickers. We are talking about bed time in school . I have a cruch on two people. Brian and Dillon. but I geuss none of them will ever like me”. [Ed. note: Chin up, little breezyk! boys dig confidence! You will learn this by 26. ......someday.]

November 17, 1992:

Today I fell in the mud twice. I  was humilyated by all my friends. [Ed note: does anyone remember falling in the mud as a kid? totally humilyating] The worst part is that I fell two times. [totally the worst part]. I wish people would learn that if they laugh at someone when they fall, the next person might be them. Besides, it’s not nice to laugh. I was lucky Dillon didn’t laugh at me…….. I try to make the most out of life. It’s the only one I have. These secrets are for your ears alone, so keep them secrets diary.

I can't even make this shit up

December 2, 1992:

Today I had a horable brainstorm. [Ed. note: hate those!] You wouldn’t believe what happened. Ashley said I made her troll fall. And she started to cry. I was not even there. And now she doesn’t like me but I still have friends. Then two boys started muttering to me. Then on the bus every body was pushing me. Then when I got home I dropped my Mr. Misty all over the floor [ed note: looking back, this was probably fate saying: "newsflash: you're mildly overweight. Put down the Dairy Queen, kid"]  Then I talked to my mom about it and she said It’s all right, it happens all the time. I felt better after I told someone. I have to say, I really wish my mind would make up its own mind. [Amen, sista].

My horable brainstorm involved drawing Jesus fish, apparently

December 19, 1992:

I feel terrible because I hurt my brother. It is the worst thing I ever did. It would be horible if any thing like that ever happened again. Although we fight alot I really love him. He is very nice in some ways I hate to say this But he’s one of a kind. [ed note: Kristin- don't say I never said anything nice about you]

There’s way more, but to be honest, that’s about all my self-esteem can handle for today (I considered posting the “About me” page, on which I list my favourite song as being “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t enough” by Annie Lennox… but the remainder was just too embarassing. Even for me).

Question of the Day: Did you have a diary as a kid?

P.S. if this is the second time you are receiving this post in your inbox- I apologize. My fat, hongray fingers accidentally hit “publish” before that shit was ready. my bad.

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19 thoughts on “Dear Diary: Old School Edition

  1. LMAO this was great. I didn’t keep a diary but I do have a few old notebooks or stories I wrote. It’s almost as embarrassing but I can say the same thing about things I wrote/thought/did 3 years ago.

    I think this helps us (and possibly you) understand the person you’ve grown up to become. I wonder of those boys who made you feel, was it humilyated?, for falling ever had thoughts like this. Hey, the strange kids always turn out normal or so that’s what every famous successful person says. Nobody ever says they were a popular person while being interviewed by Jay Leno or receiving a million dollar a week paycheck for being a big mean CEO. Let’s hope it’s true!

    • I think you’re right- like it or not it definitely gives some insight into who I am now… I feel like I want to look these boys up on facebook and see what they are doing now. That is, if they are actually real. Still unconfirmed.

  2. These things are so great. I didn’t have any kind of diary but saved most any note or letter between friends. Every time I go home its one of my first stops at night and reread everything, hoping to find something new. Some times I wonder how I survived my high school years! And going in your theme here, and on the advice of another blogger, I thought I would print out some of my blogs for my kids when they older; ..and show them how lucky they were to survive. Just kidding!

    …mostly. Thanks for the fun read Breezy!

    • that’s a great idea- I bet your kids will LOVE reading them. Although not really the same thing, my dad saved a bunch of stuff from when I was a kid (letters I wrote to Santa/that Santa wrote me, cards I gave him, etc) and I had a blast reading them over Christmas… definitely do it!

  3. I loved this! I had that exact diary when I was a kid and it was my first one, too. I wish I knew where I could find it now–hopefully it’s locked away in my parents’ attic somewhere because I, unlike you, wouldn’t have the guts to let anyone else see what I wrote about!

  4. LOL “I have to say, I really wish my mind would make up its own mind.”
    You were an awesome 7 year old I must say. I had a diary all through highschool. Despite the age difference between your 7 year old seld and my 15 year old self, our diaries basicially focused on the same things. Multiple crushes on boys, lack of confidence and falling in the sand (we dont have mud in Kuwait).

    Happy Australia Day btw! And I hope you didnt have any 7am wake up calls. Because that would be a shitty way to spend Australia day ;)

    • Happy Australia day to you too!! No 7am wakeup calls thank god but I did end up working all day/evening.. womp womp!
      hahaha falling in the sand… at least you could get rid of the evidence easier, rather than walking around with caked mud all over you all day as a constant reminder ;)

  5. This is amazing. I’ve been there with you, with falling in the mud. It’s super embarrassing and I still live in fear of it because my clumsiness never wore off. You are brave! :D

    • haha I never thought of myself as being brave until I actually posted it- and was like, OMG… i just put my diary on the internet. hahaha
      Thanks for reading :)

  6. Dec. 2nd is one for the books! Man- that was a rough day for my breezy!!

    I HATE when horrible brainstorms happen…

    Even if you didn’t have anything to do with the toppling of the troll, you probably took some pleasure in it. Let’s face it- you were clearly wise beyond your years and on some level, you knew they were stupid…

    … Are you certain people were muttering to you? Um- do people on the bus still mutter to you? Don’t answer this on your blog… we should discuss your answer over the phone and, in the meantime, I will do some preliminary calling about respectable facilities in your area.

    I laughed out loud at the mr. misty image.

    And yes- our brother (the one you maimed in the next entry) truly IS one of a kind!! :)

    Love ya breezy! As always, I got a good chuckle out of this post.

    • I’m glad I don’t get any more of those…. Thanks to all that wine and Kardashians, my brain is now mercifully free from any activity whatsoever… muuuch better.
      I sort of always think I hear people muttering to me… but then again, those might just be the voices in my head.

  7. Hilarious!!! I am scared to see entries about me so don’t post any.They are probably just about me doubling you on the motorbikes anyway!

  8. Pingback: The 5 Habits of Highly Lonely People « The Camel Life

  9. Ha! I was googling for a photo of my own childhood diary … found only one in the whole wide internets … and lo and behold, it takes me to the blog of someone I know! What are the odds??

    In the name of fairness, one embarrassing story from my diary is on offer – pick an entry in the early 90s, and I guarantee that it starts with a list of boys I liked and who didn’t like me back. A “Ryan” was in there for years …

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