Humour / Life

2012: Written in the Stars?

Happy New Year, friends! Apologies for not posting yesterday- but, let’s just say a little too much of this happened on NYE:

That's not actually wine, but rather an intensely inappropriate amount of champagne.

I pride myself on making really, really poor life decisions.

Ok I might as well just come clean- this hangover thing is really just a front for my being too devastated about Russell Brand and Katy Perry’s impending divorce to get out of bed yesterday… why did 2011 see the end of so many legitimate marriages??

  

 True love- if you’re out there- I still believe in you.

Anyway, this is probably the point where you are expecting to hear my New Year’s Resolution(s)… but I’ve gotta be honest, I had a tough time coming up with any this year. I thought about kicking the sauce for January (or “Janopause” as those crazy Brits call it)… but then I read that abstaining from alcohol when you’re used to saving the world with it each weeekend can actually be harmful to your health. Aaand that’s all I needed to hear.

Since my life is amazing and I’m pretty much perfect in every other way, I couldn’t really think of anything else to resolve (suggestions not welcome), but It seemed sort of blasphemous to not resolve anything, so I took to the internet in search of ideas.

I couldn’t find any resolutions I liked (because I don’t feel like becoming anorexic, saving feral cats, or  being an inherently good person this year) but I did happen to stumble across my 2012 yearly horoscope.

I’ve always been envious of people who religiously read their horoscopes. They must have such a sense of direction in life. It’s the same with people who believe in things like seances, psychic mediums and soothsayers. Even if you don’t have your future all figured out- It must be nice to think that someone else does.  We had a Ouija board when I was a kid.. I believed in that thing for awhile… until I realized that my older brothers were just moving the spade on their own. Devastating.

Anyway,  what with both the Mayans and crazy Canadian soothsayers warning of the apocalypse, this seems as good a year as any to stop my constant journey of self improvement, and instead, just start letting the cosmic forces decide what happens to me.

So because I know you’re just dying to read someone else’s horoscope, here’s what my year apparently  has in store for me:

SCORPIO: Oct. 24 – Nov. 22

This year’s remarkable celestial activity marks a turning point in your affairs, and it is possible that your attitude toward love and/or money will never be quite the same again. Of course, it could simply be a change of heart. But a shift in outlook can be as effective as a shift in direction. Certainly, Jupiter’s positive influence will herald a new beginning and enable you to weave together some threads that have been trailing in recent months. However, with unpredictable Uranus squaring up to your ruler Pluto in May and September, you may have to review your plans in light of changing circumstances.

heh. It says “uranus”.

But seriously… I think that’s about the only word I understood in this hippy dippy nonsense. Apparently there’s a lot of necessary background information for interpreting one’s horscope which I do not happen to possess. Like the demeanour and temperments of all the planets, for example…. who knew Jupiter was so agreeable? [Sidenote: why does Pluto get to be my ruler, anyway?  According to wikipedia, not only is it the farthest away from the sun, it's also a "dwarf planet". I don't even get a regular sized planet?? What gives?] .

Since my space-based knowledge is limited to being able to tell you that our solar  system is known as The United Federation of Planets, and that one may conduct interplanetary travel through the use of a simple  bath towel, this whole horoscope business might not be for me.

For now, I can tell you that my immediate future involves a bottle glass of wine, some chinese takeout, and the 2 hour season premiere of The Bachelor. And if that’s not a good sign of things to come in 2012, then I don’t really know what is.

Question of the Day:  Do you Read your Horoscope?

About these ads

8 thoughts on “2012: Written in the Stars?

  1. Thanks for the bachelor reminder ( and the new post, of course!!) I totally would have forgotten.
    Thanks to my breezy k, I can drift off into sweet slumber knowing my dvr is faithfully taping my show.
    … And now I’m getting out of bed just to double- check that my dvr is indeed working properly cause that would be a very disappointing start to the new work week of the new year.
    S

    • It’s almost like there’s too much material to even start. Like do I focus on Jenna, and do an “in defence of Female Bloggers” (we’re not all batsh*t crazy) post?? Or should I focus on “that bitch Lindzi and the horse she rode in on”…. or maybe the monica/blakely lesbian angle? That will definitely excite my male readers at least…. I need some direction, here!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s