Family / Food / Humour

The Old Woman and the Jungle (or, what I’ve been up to this Holiday season)

So, you’ll all be pleased to know that I made it home safe- and only mildly scarred by the fact that my  Montreal to Halifax flight involved a loss of power; a one hour de-icing process on the tarmac; and a seatmate who had several full-on panic attacks during the flight (one even requiring the use of an air sickness bag for breathing). Air Canada, you are a de-light.  

Anyway- the sad thing is that after all of that excitement, I’ve spent the past couple of days largely doing nothing whatsoever. I know. I really should’ve spread that shit out. Well, I shouldn’t say nothing- I have been getting up to a few antics…. including:

  • Hanging out with my niece, Lola.

Man I missed this kid. She’s always up for a good time. Yesterday, for example, we wrote and starred in an original play entitled “The Old Woman and the Jungle” (rumoured to be hitting broadway in late 2012). I don’t wanna give the whole thing away here- but I can tell you that it involves apple picking; a cat named Crumple Ears; and an unlikely friendship.  

  • Watching a lot of daytime TV.  It is a sad but true reality, that just yesterday I watched about 8 hours in a row of television. I’ve decided that I find pretty much every presenter on tv either extremely offensive or annoying…. Rachel Ray, Anderson Cooper, Dr. Oz , almost every Chef on the Food Network, Jeremy Kyle-  I want to punch them all… but yet I can’t stop watching it. I feel far too compelled to find out how to make a decorative centrepiece fashioned entirely out of donut holes.. or a wreath made of toilet paper…. or that cancer cure I never knew existed right there in my cupboards.

*I don’t actually want to punch Jeremy Kyle. I want to give him an award for being the most badass TV personality of all time, and having the balls to say to his guests things like “GUESS WHAT?? Your wife’s a liar as well!!!”

  • Not wearing anything but pajamas and/or sweatpants. Two words: aaawwww yeeeeeeeeaaa
  • Eating. A lot. mostly chocolates, things involving cheese, and/or holiday baked goods. But I don’t really discriminate…. if it contains more than my recommended daily intake of calories- I’m interested.
  • Arguing with my mother about our Christmas tree.  So, this year my mom decided that she was done with the nonsense of cleaning up needles, and decided to switch up our beautiful, regular live tree for an artificial one. Now, I don’t really have anything against artificial trees as a concept- what I do have a problem with though, is this artificial tree:

Shit looks like Charlie Brown’s pygmy reject that went on a hunger strike in protest of being its own damn self.  Needless (pun intended) to say, it has become my own personal mission to annex this tree from our home… which shouldn’t be hard, given that I clearly beat it in both physical stature and holiday cheer.

So that’s what’s been happening with BreezyK- stay tuned for more of these extremely high quality literary updates on my life.. or, do yourself a favour and don’t.  Hope you guys are all having a wonderful holiday season- and let me know:

What have you been up to??

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14 thoughts on “The Old Woman and the Jungle (or, what I’ve been up to this Holiday season)

  1. I dont even really need to tell you, since I was right beside you on the other couch. Through thick and thinly prepared Christmas programming ( Steven and Chris were REALLY reaching in their craft section yesterday! I’m thinking maybe their writers were sick and they had to pull something together themselves. And what they had was bad…) and the fact that I’ve put so much thought into why that program was a flop (but we still sat through it) proves I should get out of the house today!
    So- off I go (with you for moral support) to brave the crowds and get those last- minute gifts! There would be nothing like an empty stocking under the tree to forever squash my Childs lust for life- and since she provides so much entertainment and fodder for you- we’d best hit the malls!

    Sooo glad you’re home :) except for the oil comment…

    • An empty stocking, or one filled with welf Shoppers Drug Mart milk chocolate bars and ceramic ornaments?? hmmmm… tough call ;)
      So glad to be home and thanks for being my lazy companion the past few days, sis!! xo

  2. Don’t be mean to the tree. I can totally see a Christmas special called “The Artificial Tree Nobody Wanted.” It eventually finds its way to an orphanage where the kids can appreciate it. They use it as a sled to help escape the dangerous orphanage keeper (I think the heads of orphanages are called keepers) and then they meet their biological parents thanks to a wise cracking Artificial Tree that nobody wanted.

    • Fantastic idea… love the orphanage angle and the bonding between the orphans and the tree over their respective abandonment/inadequacy issues… I think there should be some form of environmental angle thrown in here too tho… like, in the process of finding the kids biological parents, they also tackle the destruction of he world’s forests brought on on by cutting too many live Christmas trees- centered around one particularly menacing Lumberjack named Deforestation Dave

    • of course I was the old lady.. typecasting. I just can’t get away from it. She even made me speak in a crachity old voice and walk around with a hunch.. it was all very beautiful. I wish I had surreptitiously taken pics of the barf bag guy, but I have a feeling that would have only increased his anxiety haha..

    • I like the way you look at it- and really it just ended up making it look like we had WAY more presents in comparison. I’ll take it ;) Happy holidays to you too!

  3. Well BreezyK you must have this Christmas thing down to a science to have all that extra time! Congrats! …or you actually do things when you say you are going to do them (I put em all off UNTIL the last 3 days ~ not so smart.)

    My family breezed in Christmas eve and we have been feeding ever since (OMG!) The kids had a wonderful Christmas though and it was fun for all …video coming!

    Great blog BreezyK! Merry Christmas!

    ~Andy

    • I’m lucky (?) enough to have four brothers and sisters- so I just outsource. I secretly convince them to do my shopping and whatnot for me ;) Thanks for reading- and glad you had a great holiday!

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