Humour / Life / Television

Happiness is Only Four Easy Payments Away…

With the holiday season quickly approaching, along with it comes the pressure to get that special something for everyone in your life. Unfortunately, for many of us, this involves removing our trusty Snuggies, braving the elements, and heading out to the mall, where it’s a constant battle against the multi-child strollers, commission-thirsty retail clerks and unescorted men at Victoria’s Secret.  Sigh. 

Kitties can brave the elements to make snow-cat people. Humans can't.

Well, friends, I’ve got just the thing to cure all of your retail-induced holiday blues (if that amazing cat picture didn’t). Here to tell us all about a GREAT alternative to facing the malls this season is my friend Stephanie (who frequent readers already know as my wine swilling, German-speaking partner in crime). I practically begged her to write a guest post about this topic.  She resisted at first- until I offered her my entire collection of framed 8×10 Kim K headshots. You’re welcome, guys.

Enjoy!

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 The other day, while  getting ready for bed, I absent-mindedly turned on my television. From the other room, I could hear the words “for only four easy payments, you can own one too!”.  The Shopping Channel. My television was tuned to the Shopping Channel.I made my way back into the living room to turn the television to a channel more suited to my taste, perhaps CNN (okay, more like E! or Slice)- but, before I could reach for my converter, I became suddenly fiaxated by what the Shopping Channel was trying to offer me. A deluxe speaker set? In any colour I wanted? On sale for the holidays? I can pay in INSTALMENTS? No way.

I sat down on my couch. I’ll just watch for a few minutes, I told myself. Two hours later,  I was no closer to turning in for the night. I had already ordered the speaker set and was feeling surprisingly gratified. Why had I not done this sooner?

 The people at the Shopping Channel had been so courteous and thoughtful over the phone. They let me customize my order exactly the way I wanted, and they even guaranteed me on-time holiday delivery. How nice! Before I hung up, I was directed to their website- where I could peruse other amazing offers, including that day’s “showstopper”. (Sounds fancy, doesn’t it? That’s because it is!). Within no time I was on my computer searching through a multitude of amazing offers and unique products. Obviously, I ordered the “showstopper”  (a Dean Martin Show DVD set, for those who are curious) before heading off to bed at around 2:30AM.

He's the toast of the town.. the Cat's Pajamas- and now in Stephanie's very own living room!

Thrilled about my new shopping discovery – or, more accurately, my shopping adventure – I regaled BreezyK with this amazing breakthrough the next day. I could see her wheels begin to turn as she asked me carefully thought out questions (she’s too considerate to  say what I’m sure she was actually thinking: this girl has finally flipped her lid). (ed note: I was thinking this) Why Dean Martin? Had I ever even seen the Dean Martin show? Did I seriously order two items in one night during the wee hours of the morning? When did I plan on fulfilling my destiny of  becoming a cat lady?

Fine points, they may have been…but I was in love. I loved getting home from work and tuning in to see what innovative and ground-breaking product the Shopping Channel had to show me. A reversible non-stick grill and griddle with thermolon volt! A luxe ultra-thin twistable camcorder with quilting pattern! A black and crystal leather bow tie collar with matching dog leash! Who dreams this stuff up? They deserve a medal.

Ed note: Ummm how could you forget to include the exquisite and extremely authentic Jackie Kennedy jewellery collection? This Ballerina brooch that simply screams "First Lady" is just dripping with glamour, and could be yours for just $29.99!!!

The Shopping Channel had thought of everything. They accepted returns, offered next day delivery, and  guaranteed happiness. And need I mention the three magical words: Easy. Pay. Option!!! I also felt uber-productive. With the holidays around the corner, I was facing the major dilemma of getting all my Christmas shopping done. Now I could shop while I cleaned, shop while I cooked, I even shopped while I brushed my teeth!

Sure, some did not approve or understand my new calling. My doorman looked at me with great pity every time I picked up a package adorned with the Shopping Channel logo. My friends discouraged my daily habit of scouring the website for new deals. Even my Mom said, “Oh Stephanie, don’t do that to yourself. You’re not 75.”

The naysayers would just have to deal. I was finding all sorts of treasures. Just today, after monitoring the site for over a week waiting for the stock to replenish, I ordered a frozen treat maker aptly called “Yonanas”. This is genius, okay? You put frozen bananas, strawberries, pumpkin, you name it, into this clever little machine, and it spits out (what looks to be) a really delicious softserve-like treat. No wonder this baby was sold out due to overwhelming demand! The Shopping Channel is the only place to get one like it in Canada – it even comes with popsicle molds and a container. You cannot beat this deal: four easy payments of $13.74! Amazing!!!

So, while the rest of you are running around the malls like crazy people, trying to figure out what to get every Tom, Dick, and Harry in your life, I am done my shopping, sitting comfortably and contently amidst piles of Shopping Channel boxes, and wondering what new treasure are waiting for me for only four easy payments!

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Thank you so much Stephanie for the great story- and guys, make sure to show her some love in the comment section for taking the time out of her busy schedule of setting up her new (Shopping Channel purchased) Royal Doulton Holiday Figurine Collection and taking pictures of me on her blackberry to write this post. ;) LOVE YOU STEPH!!! 

Question of the Day: Have you ever bought anything from the Shopping Channel?

oh and P.S.... not sayin I want this for Christmas but...... I want this for Christmas.

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15 thoughts on “Happiness is Only Four Easy Payments Away…

  1. Great post, Stephanie! I, too, have fallen victim to the lure of the shopping channel. Everyone is soooo excited about their wares and soo chipper in that 4-easy payment world! And I also feel your pain about braving the shopping malls. I do not like the crowds and I avoid at all cost at this time of year. I met my other sister last night for dinner at a restaurant that was located in a mall and even THAT made me cranky!

    Hope you enjoy all of your shopping channel treasures. May the years of enjoyment they bring be equal to or more than the number of easy installments you made! :)

  2. This is a great post for this time of year! It does seem very easy to get sucked into ordering by phone. I have fallen victim to this recently after being up all night and feeling tired and run down. It only took the words “Cindy Crawfords secret to staying young”, and I was on board. Unlike the shopping channel it is not easy to get refunded and your credit card continues to be charged for future payments, but I won’t drag everyone down it will all work out.
    P.S. can you burn me a copy of the Dean Martin set I want to learn more about him.
    Happy Holidays!!!

    • Mazz- I was so excited for the Cindy Crawford products too!! What a scam. I’ll see if I can convince Stephanie to burn you a copy…. but she can be pretty territorial about these things, so I’m not making any promises.

  3. Ordinarily I would be scoffing and/or sneering at someone who regaled me with a tale of buying from the Shopping Channel, but this was written in an entertaining and amusing way. So I sort of can’t be my usual mean self this time around.

    I remember watching that channel years ago when they were showing off things like the Super Chamoi or some hose with dozens of amazing attachments that would make my life ten times better.

    I haven’t ever bought anything from it though, maybe it’s why I am so mean.

  4. I’m weary of anything new that involves electronic communication. My mom bought a few random things though. Mostly exercise equipment that we could never figure out how to use.

    The Yonana actually sounds really good and I officially want one. It sounds hard to clean though. Is there some sort of a device that I can purchase that cleans it out automatically?

  5. I have never bought anything from the shopping channel but as I was reading that post, the machine that makes soft serve sounds amazing.
    How do the payments actually work, so if it’s four “easy” payments is there shipping and handling on top and how much does it all add up to?

    I have never bought anything for anyone online or either via television before. This year I was running from store to store with my arms still sore carrying huge bags and swearing that next year I will get on board with the online shopping.

    Great post, definitely given me a lot of ideas!

    brookeandmckenzie.wordpress.com

    • Stephanie feels so validated by your comment right now I’m sure! haha .. I think they probably get you with the four easy payments things- each one gets taxed, probably 4x the shipping, everything… I totally was in the same boat xmas shopping this past week – wishing I had taken a page out of this book!

  6. Fun post, but never been a fan of TV shopping, always found them to be more expensive than online shopping (at least in the UK it is), which I much prefer and more convenient for me.

  7. My late mother-in-law was hooked (no pun intended!) on th e Shopping Channel! She’d buy EVERYTHING they had – or so it seemed!
    Don’t get sucked in, I beg of you!

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