Humour / Uncategorized

Oh the Who-Manity!

Christmas seriously needs to calm the eff down.

I don’t know about in your cities- but here in Toronto, we have been experiencing an extreme amount of Christmas overload as of late. Stores have been decorated for a good month now; Starbucks started giving out holiday cups the day after Halloween, and I think I have already fulfilled my quota for  “All I want for Christmas Is you” and all other songs from the Mariah Carey Christmas album for an entire lifetime now. 

 Though all of this annoys me, I usually do my best to simply grin and bear it. That is until yesterday-  when Toronto played host to it’s annual Santa Claus Parade.  

Man, I don’t know what it is about parades exactly- maybe the candy they throw out to the crowds is laced with opium, or maybe all that baton twirling has some kind of hypnotic effect, but bitches go legtimately CRAZY over them. Walking to work on Sunday morning (perhaps an explanation for my Grinchiness), I could barely push through the crowds lined up hours before the parade even started. Small time black-market entrepreneurs were selling fake antlers and santa hats for $5 a pop  in the financial district (oh the irony) and heated debates were breaking out over prime folding chair real estate. I just shook my head at the crazy, and then retreated to my office where I could cower at my desk and point and laugh at all of the lower class citizens down below.

Things only got worse though, when after work I had to go to the mall to return something. I knew that I was dancing with the devil, going into the mall on a weekend leading up to Christmas, but even I was not prepared for what I found there. Shit was RIDICULOUS. You could barely move through the halls there were so many people- I felt like one of the cod fish in that Canadian Heritage Commercial.   And to make matters worse, the place was filled with blinking santa hats, bad fashion, and  one too many tourists posing awkwardly for pictures in front of the Swarvozki Crystal tree (ed note: One IS too many). I even saw a fight break out in Sephora over a Philosophy Holiday Gift Set- Jingle All the Way styles .

Seriously people- pretty sure all this shit  is still going to be here tomorrow- which, incidentally, will still be MORE THAN A MONTH AWAY FROM CHRISTMAS!!

Finally, with my task completed, I made my way to the subway to head home. I realized, however, that I had made a grave error in judgment when I stepped down onto the platform and was surrounded by 800 screaming children and cranky parents all making their post-parade commute home.  But by the time I knew what was happening, I was already boxed in by strollers on all sides.  I had no choice but to wait there among the ruckus for two trains until I could finally get on one- and when I did, I ended up being sandwiched between an asian kid obsessively talking about Zhu Zhu pets, and a group of overzealous 40-somethings wearing Christmas sweaters- not in the ironic way.

This sort of makes me wish we had American thanksgiving here in Canada. At least there are clear rules there: Santa and his fat ass remain firmly situated up in the North Pole until the Turkey has left the building.  Here the lines are consistently blurred, with christmas tree lights and toblerone bars taking up the same shelf space as and Halloween face paint and Justin Bieber costume wigs. Where do we draw the line?? I’ve even heard of people having “Christmas in July” parties…. that shit better not catch on, or we’re all fucked.

I sometimes feel like having a public freakout  and going all Grinchy-Claus on the whole thing…. except then I’d probably be committed. No one in this city seems to appreciate a good meltdown.

Question of the Day- Are you Christmased out already too?

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25 thoughts on “Oh the Who-Manity!

  1. I’m good. I don’t listen to the radio (so no bunch of crappy Christmas music for me), I hate malls and avoid them as I also hate shopping and do as much as possible online), annnd NO ONE will make me hate Christmas. I’m all about those presents. And I want a nicely decorated tree. I’m just not planning on noticing lights and garlands and all that ish until it’s like a week before Christmas. I get sick of it way too fast.

    • Are we gonna have to have a smackdown lovelylici?? jokes,I like your theory of just “not planning on noticing” lights and garlands, and am considering applying it to other aspects of my life. I think I’ll start by just “not planning on noticing” my bills that come in the mail…or the unibrow that is slowly taking over my entire face. whattya think?

      • I refuse to judge! I will only wish you well! Ahahahhahaha
        Listen… I am REALLY good at ignoring. SEVERAL times, people have asked me if they were disturbing me with their noise. They have to ask this question like 3 times (at least once right in my face), because I’ve been tuning them out so effortlessly and effectively for so long. What can I say? I’m GIFTED. (Or my brother was AWFUL during our childhood, and I found a way to cop.) LOL.

  2. I’ve seen Christmas stuff here in the US earlier than ever. The day after Halloween I saw it. Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I already see packs of red and green M&M’s.

    There aren’t any cool and hot toys anymore. Kids already have laptops and iPods. What’s the point in having a doll that giggles when you tickle it? They’ve already learned how sick that seems.

    • Red and Green M&M’s I will accept, because besides just tasting delicious, they also look charming and homogenous. And you should talk to my niece about the whole doll issue- I’m sure she could give you a few good reasons why that doll is ABSOLUTELY necessary

      • Little girls do know best!

        P.S. Congrats on freshly pressed! Prepare for fair-weathered fans. I feel very cool getting in on this before you went mainstream. It’s like being into Nirvana before Nevermind.

  3. Great Post! Unfortunately, Christmas Time in America (at least in Rochester, NY) seem to be happening way earlier than usual this year. It’s not Thanksgiving yet and we have a radio station playing nothing but Christmas music and Christmas decorations EVERYWHERE at the malls! I feel your pain my Canadian friend. I feel your pain.

  4. I wish I could say that it really did begin at noon on Thanksgiving Day, with the end of the Macy’s parade, but alas, to quote Linus in the Peanuts Christmas Special, “Christmas is getting too commercial.” There’ve been Christmas things out in stores since the day after Halloween.

    • oh the avarice- will it ever end?? I’m just going to have to find some way of embracing it I guess. I like eggnog. especially booze spiked egg nog. Lets go with that.

  5. It’s pretty bonkers that Christmas crackers start appearing in October here in the UK. Who on earth needs to buy them so early?

    The second week of November is just about an acceptable time for Xmas stuff to start appearing. And I do mean “start appearing”.

    It’s also weird how the office can look quite good just before Xmas when the decorations are up, yet the moment you come back in the New Year those same decorations look desperately tacky and horrible.

    • I know it’s so depressing- I remmeber when I was a kid I couldn’t even be at home when my mom took down the Christmas tree haha… strangely now I find myself wishing it just didn’t go up at all

  6. I would have a great deal of holiday cheer if it weren’t for all this holiday cheer. It seems all the more ridiculous when you live in Florida, and the Salvation Army santas are nearly collapsing from the heat in their costumes. I don’t even notice the constantly clanging bells or endless stream of yuletide tunes anymore, which worries me. Tis’ the season indeed!

    • hahahaha Santa should really have an alternate costume for when he goes down south. Mind if I steal that line about having cheer if it weren’t for all the cheer? kthanks. :)

  7. I was fine with Christmas until I was forced to decorate the office tree all. by. my. self.
    That is supposed to be done with friends and while drinking and humming acceptable Christmas Carols, you know like by Elvis and Karen Carpenter, NOT while my phone rings off the hook and hotshot lawyers walk by my critique my placement of the ugly ass ornaments.
    And now, I am in agreement. Back the eff off, I am no damn elf. ;)

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