Christmas seriously needs to calm the eff down.
I don’t know about in your cities- but here in Toronto, we have been experiencing an extreme amount of Christmas overload as of late. Stores have been decorated for a good month now; Starbucks started giving out holiday cups the day after Halloween, and I think I have already fulfilled my quota for “All I want for Christmas Is you” and all other songs from the Mariah Carey Christmas album for an entire lifetime now.
Though all of this annoys me, I usually do my best to simply grin and bear it. That is until yesterday- when Toronto played host to it’s annual Santa Claus Parade.
Man, I don’t know what it is about parades exactly- maybe the candy they throw out to the crowds is laced with opium, or maybe all that baton twirling has some kind of hypnotic effect, but bitches go legtimately CRAZY over them. Walking to work on Sunday morning (perhaps an explanation for my Grinchiness), I could barely push through the crowds lined up hours before the parade even started. Small time black-market entrepreneurs were selling fake antlers and santa hats for $5 a pop in the financial district (oh the irony) and heated debates were breaking out over prime folding chair real estate. I just shook my head at the crazy, and then retreated to my office where I could cower at my desk and point and laugh at all of the lower class citizens down below.
Things only got worse though, when after work I had to go to the mall to return something. I knew that I was dancing with the devil, going into the mall on a weekend leading up to Christmas, but even I was not prepared for what I found there. Shit was RIDICULOUS. You could barely move through the halls there were so many people- I felt like one of the cod fish in that Canadian Heritage Commercial. And to make matters worse, the place was filled with blinking santa hats, bad fashion, and one too many tourists posing awkwardly for pictures in front of the Swarvozki Crystal tree (ed note: One IS too many). I even saw a fight break out in Sephora over a Philosophy Holiday Gift Set- Jingle All the Way styles .
Seriously people- pretty sure all this shit is still going to be here tomorrow- which, incidentally, will still be MORE THAN A MONTH AWAY FROM CHRISTMAS!!
Finally, with my task completed, I made my way to the subway to head home. I realized, however, that I had made a grave error in judgment when I stepped down onto the platform and was surrounded by 800 screaming children and cranky parents all making their post-parade commute home. But by the time I knew what was happening, I was already boxed in by strollers on all sides. I had no choice but to wait there among the ruckus for two trains until I could finally get on one- and when I did, I ended up being sandwiched between an asian kid obsessively talking about Zhu Zhu pets, and a group of overzealous 40-somethings wearing Christmas sweaters- not in the ironic way.
This sort of makes me wish we had American thanksgiving here in Canada. At least there are clear rules there: Santa and his fat ass remain firmly situated up in the North Pole until the Turkey has left the building. Here the lines are consistently blurred, with christmas tree lights and toblerone bars taking up the same shelf space as and Halloween face paint and Justin Bieber costume wigs. Where do we draw the line?? I’ve even heard of people having “Christmas in July” parties…. that shit better not catch on, or we’re all fucked.
I sometimes feel like having a public freakout and going all Grinchy-Claus on the whole thing…. except then I’d probably be committed. No one in this city seems to appreciate a good meltdown.